Powerlessness.

Thank heavens for this program, it keeps me sane when I'd otherwise be climbing the walls. And not just sane, but calmly sane. I know what to do, and most times, I remember to do it. For that, I am truly, deeply grateful.

I'm grateful for the new Step Study group just formed - I look forward to those meetings, for the extra intensity they bring to my recovery, and for the depth of intimacy the members are willing to share.

I'm trying to pay more attention to what happens in other areas of my life, when I'm in "disengaged mode" -  the result of  detaching from the alcoholic. I noticed today, that the world in general felt less safe, I felt less confident, and my outlook with people was less lighthearted than it is when I'm not actively detaching. I was more "on guard."  Inability to trust freely has been ongoing for me, but not trusting means I live apart from those with whom I share this journey, and thereby rob myself of love, comfort and support freely offered.

I noticed today that my first impulse was to adopt a social posture in which I greet people warmly, but don't stop to talk. (An isolation technique) I'll smile, make a friendly comment, and keep moving. This last is necessary to stop anyone from reading my body language and asking inconvenient questions such as: "Are you tired today?" In fact, I was tired today; I felt exhausted. I fell into bed after supper, and slept for about 2 hours. (Another isolation technique.)

Being aware of these habits can help me to work against them. Today I invited a couple of friends to come for tea, and to talk gardening. I don't think I'd have done so, had I not written out my thoughts on the blog yesterday - writing can be of enormous help to me, in recognising habits of thought, and patterns of behavior.

Forcing myself to engage, by putting myself in the position of having friends over to tea, was me pushing myself out of an old comfort zone. I really enjoyed myself, because I enjoy these people - we make each other laugh, and conversation ranges over a wide and interesting variety of topics.

Today, I acted as if I wanted to socialise, and reaped the benefits. That time with friends got me back into balance, helped to remind me that trust is a good thing, regardless of what the alcoholic is doing.