Chasing Rainbows in Soap Bubbles.

A sponsee and I have tried a couple of open AA meetings of late, trying to find a good fit for us, and seem to have hit upon a meeting at which we both feel comfortable. We went to it this evening, and now that I'm back home, I find myself in a rather pensive mood, remembering the shares of those who spoke so honestly and openly about what it was like for them, what happened, and what it is like now.

Tonight's meeting brought up some feelings for me around dealing with the alcoholism of my two sisters, both of whom are still in active drinking, in mid-life. With my eldest sister, I can find a way to relate to her because she shares with me a strong spiritual belief, and that has been the place at which we can have a meeting of the minds, and find comfort and sustenance in each other's writing.

With my middle sister, I don't have this way to connect, so I find it much more difficult to relate to her. Her alcoholism takes the form of a powerfully negative view of life and people, and I can find  it almost impossible to respond to what brings up in me a feeling of frustration.

I'm frustrated because I'm not accepting of her, I realised tonight, again. This is not news to me, but it was underscored tonight by a couple of the people who spoke about their fears, lack of hope before 12-Step, and just general intense trouble in finding a way to live in the world.

I need to pray for tolerance and acceptance of my sister. I want us to be able to connect, and since I'm having trouble with it, I need to turn it over to my Higher Power and step back and let it happen within me, let go of wanting her to be something she is not, and work on my own lack of acceptance.
One topic at the meeting tonight was "relationships" - never an easy topic. But for me, tonight, as so often at a meeting, I heard just what I needed to hear.

Changed Attitudes

I was doing yoga exercises this afternoon, listening to an Al-Anon speaker, and kept having to pause the file, to get up and run over to the kitchen table to write down what she'd just said. This woman spoke about her version of "contempt prior to investigation" and her description caused me to realise that I've been doing just that about my new living quarters. As of the first of Sept, I will be living in an apartment. I've only lived in two or three in my life, becauce I had all sorts of reasons why I didn't like them, and preferred a house.

At the moment, my options are severely limited due to my finances being severely limited. I've been offered a one-bedroom in an area of town I love, close to a large park, and the ocean. It's very small, but it will be my peaceful, private nest.

I have a choice, do I concentrate upon how much I'd rather live in a house with my dog, which at this time, is not within my financial reach, or do I concentrate upon the blessing of this little private space which will be mine alone, and in which I will be able to learn and heal from my sorrow? My choice.

One makes me feel hard-done-by and self-pitying, one makes me feel grateful. I want gratitude, and peace of mind. I want to be able to accept what I am given in life without always wanting something different. It isn't that I believe we shouldn't strive for more, I do, but I"m realising that in the unhappy years of that marriage, I had some belief in geographic cure.

And that never works, because I have to take myself with me. My same crazy over-thinking self would be along for the ride no matter where I went. So I choose gratitude, and the work required to remind myself of my choice, when those little thoughts slide across the forefront of my mind.

Assumptions Keep Our Viewpoint Narrow.

A sponsee called last night to ask how I was doing, and we talked for a while. I had reached and passed the level of fatigue at which my brain goes on "standby" (if asked a direct question, I can reply, but I'm unable to generate new topics, or a new element of the existing one) so the conversation was sort of limping along. She was very surprised by my answer to one of her questions, and said so; she'd "assumed it was the opposite." I was too tired to take it up with her, but it crossed my mind this morning as a good topic for our next meeting, because these sorts of assumptions keep our viewpoint narrowned down so that we only see what we expect to see. We have our assumptions, and we can operate from that starting point for a great deal of life, never realising that there is so much more than is visible through our narrowed viewpoint.

If I limit my life to "this is only possible with that prerequisite" I am closing off great sweeps of possibility. There's so much more to life than what I am capable of imagining.

A long-timer in Al-Anon jokes that this is one of the reasons that meetings are set up so that we don't interrupt or crosstalk, because we need to be forced to sit quietly and listen to a viewpoint differing from ours. I think for some of us, myself included, I could have gone on sitting in meetings and listening, without having much of a change in my thinking - I needed to work the Steps with a sponsor who gave me very little wiggle-room. My assumptions were all about keeping me safe in the world, so the roots ran deep in my character, and needed concerted, sustained time and effort to dig up, haul out into the light of day, examine closely, and eventually, realise that I could let them go. I needed that shared time, talking and laughter to be able to discard my outmoded notions.

I Don't Trust You Because...

I've been told by the vet, and also the breeder from whom I got my female dog, that the best thing to do is crate rest, being let out to relieve herself and to eat, then right back in.  This gives the injury a chance to heal, because the dog can't do much else but sleep. The vet gave me a handout which states: "In reality, poor results in a dog are almost always traceable to inadequate confinement" and "Three weeks of cage rest is a minimum course." Her breeder agreed with this, when I spoke to her, and warned me that my dog is going to be upset with me, but that if I'm seeking the best possible outcome, I'll do as suggested.

So that's what I'm doing, and at the moment, my little dog won't even lick my fingers when I put them through the mesh, or let me tickle her chin, she turns her face away - she's very upset about being put into a crate and kept there day and night. I understand that, but I also understand that to be a responsible dachshund owner, I need to be willing to accept her annoyance and sadness, do what I can to make her feel happy, but accept that the outcome of a very loved and cuddled and snuggled dog being confined to a crate 24 hours a day, is going to be one very upset dog.

Last night my alcoholic was trying to convince me to let her out, because "she's upset and lonely." I explained again what the vet and breeder had explained to me, and finally realised that he wanted to let her out because it would make him feel better. It was upsetting him to see her gazing mournfully through the wire mesh door of the crate, and he wanted to relieve that feeling for himself right now. That, combined with the arrogance of the (long-time sober, but new to recovery) alcoholic stubbornly insisting that "she'd be fine lying on the couch" sparked me to say firmly that I wasn't going to discuss it anymore, and to state that if I'm not home, he is not let her out of her crate - I'll take her out when I get home, just leave her in there, please. Unfortunately, I can easily imagine him ignoring that. I may have to take her with me in the car when I go out, just to stop him from doing what he's done so many times in the years we've been together - gone against what I've specifically asked of him because he thinks he knows better.  I could ask him to promise, but I've learned that his promises are meaningless.

The interesting part of all this for me, and the point of this post, is that I'm not even remotely annoyed about it - I'm completely accepting that for now, this is who he is, and what can I do to safeguard my dog? I don't want to give the impression that he doesn't love her, because that's not the case. But he can only go so far in that love, and when it comes up against him feeling uncomfortable, the dog is going to be the loser. I've reached a place in my own recovery where I can see that with clarity, with no accompanying emotional storm about it - no anger, no blaming.

Love is accepting - it is what it is. He is what he is. Work around it. I can't change his thinking, or his inability at this stage to put the dog's health above his feelings of discomfort at confining her. All the talking in the world won't accomplish that, it's beyond my control. I control what I can - myself, and I let the rest go with a sigh of relief.

Common Denominators - "Knowing"

Conversation between my sponsor and I when I was new to Al-Anon:

(Me:) "Well, I know she ...."
"How do you know?"
"I can just tell."
"How can you tell?"
"I just can."
"Ok, I hear you saying that, I'm asking for an explanation of how you do that."
"Well, by the way she looks at me; her tone of voice."
"Have you asked?"
"I don't need to, because I already know."
"I'd like you to try asking."

Next conversation on the subject:

"Did you ask?"
"Yes."
"And?"
(Laughing) "She had no idea what I was talking about."
"So what happened was that you saw an expression of some sort on her face, a tone in her voice, decided what that meant without checking that out first with her, and then spent two days chewing it over, ruining your mood, getting ever more upset, only to discover that it was all inside your head... would you say that's an accurate description of what went on?"
(Pause) "Well, sort of."
"Sort of?"
(Really laughing now) "Yes, okay?  Yes, that's exactly what I did."

I have had this conversation, in various forms, repeatedly. I've been the sponsee who "knew" and I've been the sponsor challenging that "knowing."

We may have developed this as a way to keep ourselves safe when we were small children dealing with unhealthy adults, it may have not have started until we were in an alcoholic marriage, but this assumption that we "know" what's really going on inside someone else's head, this is a form of arrogance,  and it devours time - devours my life.

Not only does this "knowing" allow me to disregard what someone else is saying, in favour of my own interpretations, it gives me a focal point upon which to obsess. I have an obsessive sort of mind. If I open that door even slightly, there's a good chance it will be ripped out of my hands, slammed open against the wall and I'll be carried off by a tidal wave of obsessing.

This is the habit. How do I avoid this? By not opening the door. Not even enough to peer through the crack to "just see what's in there today." I know that if I don't want to waste my time obsessing, it's a good idea not only to avoid looking through the peephole, but don't even go into the room in my mind in which that door is set.

Stay out. Let go. Live in the moment. If I want information, or interpretation, I can ask the person themselves.

What if I don't receive what I consider an honest, or satisfactory reply? Let it go anyway. Turn it over.
Get out of that dark damp creepy room, and into the light. Find something else with which to occupy my mind. If I can't get myself off the gerbil wheel under my own power, ask for help. Read some program literature, call a friend or my sponsor, ask my Higher Power to take it. It's my choice. I know what obsessing over someone else feels like, I've spent a great deal of my life doing it. I have obsessed over a parental figure, friends, coworkers, husbands - the list goes on. I've wasted hours, days and weeks, "knowing" what someone else is thinking, and ramping myself up into a state of unmanageability because of it.

All that I can know for certain is what is happening with me. The rest, I must take on faith, because whatever I may like to believe, no, I can't read minds. And if I could, it'd be an invasion of privacy. Let go. Let it all go. Stop wanting to "know" and accept that I am fallible, human, and limited. Trust my Higher Power in the same wholehearted way my little dog trusts me - she "knows" that she is safe in my arms.
Let that be enough.

Common Denominators - Hounding.

My dictionary defines hounding as "to pursue or harass without respite."
It doesn't matter why we do it - whether we are driven by fear or anger - our reason for doing this has not the slightest importance, although I've used that excuse to justify my constant pursuit and harassment of the alcoholics in my life.  I've done it when I had no idea that I was being verbally abusive to keep repeating and repeating and repeating myself, and I've done it when I knew better, but was so angry I was unwilling to stop. I've hounded because I wanted to punish and control.

It was supremely difficult to learn to say it once, and then stop talking. I felt as though I wouldn't be heard were I not to pound my message home with repetition. And therein lies the truth of hounding - we are beating on the other person with our words. I'm sure we've all seen a dog cringing before a furious voice and menacing tone - we don't need to hit to be abusive. We can strike just as vicious a blow with "only words"  - so did I defend myself to my first sponsor. The fact that we don't raise our voice, doesn't justify the use of words to hurt or shame.

I've had sponsees ask me, "But how do I make him see, if I don't repeat myself?" And I've given them that same blunt answer I received when I asked that question:

"You can't."

The 3 "C's" - We didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

Giving up the illusion of control can be threatening. We may feel as though we're stepping out onto uncertain ground. What we need to understand is that it's not our place to try to walk for someone else. We each walk our own path in this life, and the sooner we grasp that basic truth, the sooner we will be free of illusions which keep us stuck in pain and fear.

Reconsider - do you really need to say what you're thinking? Is it kind? Is it helpful? Is it loving? If it is all of those, then say it once, and stop. If you're afraid you won't be able to do that, either don't start, or when you finish, remove yourself. Go for a walk, have a bath, read your program books or any other, finish a task; whatever works for you, go do it.  Pray for peace - ask your Higher Power for serenity.

Let go. 

Common Denominators - Dwelling & Domineering.

My first sponsor used the description "chewing over" to describe the choice of dwelling upon, to the point of insanity, a passing remark made to us by another person. Seems to me that we members of Al-Anon tend to be dedicated dwellers - we can haul out a comment made weeks past, and commence a spirited and instense chewing, like some supercharged ruminant with their cud.  I know I'd go for hours, trying to work myself into the person's head, to decide if I could figure out "exactly what they meant by that.." and feeling more resentful and angry the longer I chewed it over.

I heard an AA speaker describe the start of each and every day for him before his Fourth Step - first thing he did the moment he opened his eyes was to turn on his "resentment replay machine" and replayed every perceived slight he could remember receiving. Hearing this, I was laughing, but it was with a painful sense of identification - I'm sure that were I to add it up, I've spent literally years of my life feeling that terrible, grinding resentment.

As I've grown in Al-Anon, and learned how I have been the architect of my much of my own misery, I've been able to let go of all of my old resentments. When I think of my childhood, and my first marriage to a drinking alcholic, it's with a calm detachment. I don't fill up with that hot anger and resentment anymore. It happened, what can I learn from it?

Now, when I catch myself starting to dwell upon something just said or done that I don't like, I stop and pray to my Higher Power:

"Please take this from me, I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel your love, and be loving. I want to let go of my anger, resentment, judgement, and be filled with your love."

This works for me, each and every time I choose it. I can be loving, patient, tolerant, compassionate and maintain my serenity. I can speak with loving calm to the person, if I need to reset the boundary. I can let it go if I don't. Let it fall from my hand, and be swept away downstream, so that all I can see is the sparkle of light on water.
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Domineering: my dictionary defines this as to "oppress; assume authority."

Did I oppress? Did I assume authority? Absolutely I did. I tried with all of my power to oppress the alcholics in my life. I assumed authority which wasn't mine to take, and commenced to browbeat, hound, rant and rave. I justified this behavior by pointing to the wrongs they had done to me. I transferred all blame to them, and could see myself as being purely innocent. When I began to work my Fourth Step, I was shocked to realise just how "selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and inconsiderate" I had been. I didn't want to see myself in that honest light. I wanted to blame, and slide out from under. I wanted to continue to be domineering and get my own way, because that was the only way I could see to get what I wanted in life.

I've noticed, through my time in Al-Anon, that I become less and less focused upon what I want in life, and more open to the will of my Higher Power. I don't fight and squirm for weeks and months, trying to force solutions. I try to let myself be guided.

I can't work to be open to guidance from my Higher Power, and at the same time, be domineering. I no longer have that strong belief that I know the right way. I see that I have my way, and you have your way, and I don't have the right to try to force you to live your life according to my rules. I don't even have the right to try to force myself to live by those damn rules.

It's like trying to force jello through a straw - I've got things I'd rather do, such as live in peace and serenity.

Common Denominators - Caretaking & Control.

Not sure how far I'm going to run with this, but please feel free to suggest any topics you'd like to see addressed.  A reader asked about "balance."

Prior to my finding Al-Anon, I had none. Over the years, I'd heard it suggested that it was a good idea to have balance in life, but I had no concept of how that might look, or feel. My emotional life was stunted, and largely negative - very rarely did I feel happy, and never, ever content. I was lonely and depressed when I was isolating myself, or put-upon and hard-done-by when I was trying to fix someone else's problems. (More on caretaking later in this.) In order to find balance, I needed to work the first four Steps. I had to admit my powerlessness, accept the concept of a Higher Power, turn my life over to that power, and do an inventory.

I smile with recognition, when I hear people talk about how they didn't work the Steps for a long time, because they "already knew they wouldn't work."  AA's Big Book has a quote about that precise attitude:  'contempt prior to investigation' and I was a master at it. I used that attitude to keep myself stuck in that awful place inside my head. I hated being in there, between my ears, but do any of that silly stuff my sponsor was suggesting to me that I try? I knew it was a waste of time before even hearing what exactly it was that she was trying to express. For someone in such terrible mental shape, I was deeply arrogant.

The first 4 Steps put us into position to rocket off into another, better world. If we don't do them, we never achieve ignition.

On to caretaking. Whenever I was involved in caretaking, I'd start out feeling empathetic and compassionate, (and judgemental) which would trigger my impulse to help (and try to control) and soon I'd be enmeshed in the person's life and problems, trying to make them do what I thought they should, feeling utterly infuriated at the way this person was "taking advantage" of me.

Madness. Complete madness, and I did it time and again, year after year. Before Al-Anon, that's what I thought I was supposed to be doing, but I hated and resented the person I was trying to "help," for their (as I saw it) use of me, and myself for not having the courage to say "No." I'd get caught up in another's problems, because I thought I could see so clearly what the best solution was for them, and also believed that could I just make them see that I had the perfect solution for them, they'd leap to implement it, and their life would be so much improved! Why could they not grasp this simple truth, that I knew better than they did how they should order their life?

When I caretake, I am deciding that my opinions, ideas, attitudes, and habits are superior, and should be implemented.



My own life was a wasteland of rage, resentment and self-pity, but I thought I had wisdom to offer - an excellent example of the insanity of co-dependence. I thought I needed to stop caretaking in order to be free of someone else's unreasonable expectations. I couldn't yet grasp that what I most needed to let go, was my own misguided belief that I, emotional wreck of a person that I was back then, had any useful life advice to be ladling out.


When first introduced to the idea of "caretaking" I didn't get it. Aren't we supposed to be loving and caring and do for others? Loving and caring, yes -  do for others, well, that depends upon the situation, and when I'm trying to force solutions upon someone, I'm caretaking. Enabling is caretaking. Putting someone else's needs before my own is caretaking.

Notice that I said "needs" not wants or desires. I need to eat, sleep, pray, exercise my body and mind, enjoy life, have time alone. I'm a person who needs time alone, to reflect, talk to my Higher Power, think, meditate. If I don't get some time alone in a day, I can feel myself becoming irritable and unreasonable. I used to think that this was selfish of me, when I was involved in caretaking of others. Now, I understand that this is how I am made - I need time alone. I desire it, and I deserve it - it's my right as a human being. I don't have to give up every moment of my time to other people, in a confused belief that being 'selfless' is either attainable or desirable.

Every time I refuse a request which would strain me to my limits to fufill, I am choosing not to caretake. I'm getting a much clearer idea of my own boundaries, and give as much as it is in me to give. Then I stop, and take the time I need to recharge. Doing this allows me to give with my whole heart, joyously, instead of grudgingly, seething with resentment.

When I don't give advice, I allow the other person to find their own way to sanity.

Pride Comes Before A Fall.

I was talking to an Al-Anon friend yesterday, about the elderly gentleman who had been so utterly convinced that he knew exactly when "The Rapture" was coming. She made me laugh when she said, "How's that for a life lesson on "Don't project! and "Stay in the moment!"

I replied that he didn't seem to be a person who learned from his mistakes, since this is his third failed prediction about the end of the world. My friend had seen him interviewed a couple of days before the date he'd picked, and the interviewer had asked, "What if it doesn't happen?"
"Oh, it will happen."
"But what if it doesn't?"
"It will happen."
But what if it doesn't, what then?"
"It WILL happen!"

She said she'd remarked to her husband at the time, "Imagine having that guy in your family, and trying to get him to compromise on something." Her husband had looked over at her, and said lovingly, "You were sort of like that, before Al-Anon."  She'd threatened him with a small pillow, and been about to make some smartass response, but stopping to think about it, she had to admit  - it was true. She'd always been predicting some dire outcome to her husband's drinking, in an effort to control him. Not only that, but she had the same stubbornness of thinking that the elderly gentleman had seemed to demonstrate.

We had the giggles by this time, but she got me thinking, and ... I was sort of like that, myself. I had decided opinions, was very rigid in my thinking, and when I wasn't regretting the past, I was looking to the future. The present was just something to "get through" as best I could. I was unable to allow for other people's ideas or points of view, I was controlling, I was always looking outside myself for happiness.

I was more concerned for my pride than for my spirit.

In Al-Anon, I have learned to accept that one certainty in my life, however long it may be, is that I'm going to make mistakes. I'm so grateful to this program for having taught me to find the humour in that fact: to be able to have a way of viewing it, which allows for have laughing fits with my program friends and my sponsor, when we discuss my human frailties.

My pride no longer trips me up, because it no longer matters what other people think of me. What matters is what I think of me. As long as I am honestly working my program, I can feel serenity and content, and let all the rest of it go, turn it over. I can live in this moment, and that's enough.

Question

"A friend, sober for 15 years, very active in AA, has suddenly decided that he's "not getting anything out of it anymore," and has stopped going to meetings. I'm really worried that he's going to drink again, and throw away all that he's got going for him. How can I help him?"
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Anyone who's been around 12-Step programs, and alcoholics, for any length of time, will have heard about something like this, many times over. Perhaps the alcoholic has reached a point of wanting to prove to themselves that they can "handle it alone," even though all of their personal experience has proven time and again that they cannot. The Big Book of AA speaks to this, in the passages describing the alcoholic's inability to remember the terrible results of their drinking.

Or maybe they've been in a relationship with someone who frequents the same groups; when the romance ends, not wanting to have to see the person, they stop going to the meetings.

I've seen alcoholics who have had sobriety and a good life, drink again for no reason that anyone, including themselves once they sober up, can readily explain. It happens, and it's out of our hands.

You mentioned in your email, that he'd told you his own sponsees were telling him they thought he was doing the wrong thing, and it only had the effect of making him more stubborn in his defense of his choice. An alcoholic friend of mine, once commented ruefully that she was at her most intransigent, when she was fully aware that she was heading for disaster.

It can be agonising to watch someone making what may seem to us, to be insane choices, and say nothing. When we care for another human being, we want to help. But when we start trying to steer, or control, an alcoholic, we are setting ourselves up for failure, resentment and anger.

We all have to learn our own lessons, in our own time.

Some of us can forget those lessons when life has been good for a long while, and the only way to reinforce them, is to "go back out" and relearn them.  The terrifying truth about addiction, is the very real possibility that the person may not make it back to sobriety. People die when they go back out.

So we listen to the rationalisations, and watch the behavior choices, and we cringe in fear and trembling, for the denial demonstrated, and the willingness to lose all the ground so painfully gained. I wish I had something helpful to offer, but I really don't. Look after yourself, and try to detach from your friend's choices - you have no control over what he decides to do.

Fighting Other People's Character Defects....

...instead of our own, is the way to ensure that we will continue to live in frustrated despondency, for years to come.

Sound bleak? That's the outcome to which we sentence ourselves, when we are unwilling to examine our own characters. We can take another person's inventory,  itemise each time they trespass against us, decency and the world, but at the end of our (probably extensive) list, we will be no further ahead.

I can't change other people.
I can't manipulate them into changing, I can't talk them into changing; they are beyond my control. That leaves me with myself. Before I can be willing to attempt change in myself, I need to discover the ways in which I have gone wrong. This is what the Fourth Step is all about - figuring out what motivates us, and why we do the things we do.

If I cannot or will not accept that I too, have made mistakes, chosen to behave badly instead of well in some instances, then I'm not being honest with myself, and that lack of honesty will continue to trip me up. It may be satisfying to enumerate another person's character defects when we're annoyed, hurt, or frustrated, but where does that get me? My experience has been that whatever I concentrate upon tends to intensify - if I focus upon another person's character defects, soon that's all I can see or hear when I'm in or out of their company - what's wrong with them.

Meanwhile, I can be excusing the selfsame behavior on my part, by giving it a different label, or pretending that I'm not really doing what I'm doing, no, I'm doing something else completely, see?

I once heard an AA speaker, say something which has stayed with me:"You know how to distinguish mature people from those who are just adult? By their willingness to admit, make amends, and work for change."

I pray for maturity.

A Familiar Face, And Open Ears.

I've recently begun to attend an extra meeting on Thursday nights, and I'm really enjoying the mix of people. I don't know if it's because it's halfway across the city, but up until last night, there hasn't been anyone I know at this meeting. Last night for the first time, someone I know from other meetings was there. I find it raises my comfort level in a new meeting, to see a familiar face. It can feel more welcoming - warmer. In some way, I feel as though I'm being heard in a way I might not when everyone else is a relative stranger. (I once expressed this to a friend, who joked that he was sorry, he'd been daydreaming when I'd been speaking, and hadn't heard a word; he'd had his face set on "autopilot.")

I've been thinking lately, about the fact that most of us don't listen very well. I first had training in active listening, when I volunteered for the local crisis line. The training had demonstrated, how poorly developed, are most people's listening skills. The trainers would break us up into small groups, one of whom would have been chosen ahead of time, and told to ramble, use sentence fillers such as "you know?" get sidetracked and never finish a thought, all the ways in which we make it difficult for our listeners. It was the first time that I considered listening to be an activity; before then, I'd seen the speaker as active, and the listener as passive.

It was enlightening to watch myself fasten upon "you know?" and be increasingly irritated with each repetition. Why was this? I realised that I'd been taught that this was an "annoying verbal habit." I judged it, and I judged the person using it.

Time and again, I'd catch myself getting hung up on the person's vocabulary, or their grammar, or tone of voice, and the content would slide past, half-heard. Active listening is hard work; it requires that we detach from our internal dialogue, and pay close attention to the other person.

I like to listen to program speakers while torturing myself with yoga poses; last night the speaker I had chosen, mentioned how difficult it can be to listen, with no assessing. and no judgement of the speaker, or what they are saying:

"To really listen, you have to temporarily surrender your personality - all your likes, your dislikes, attitudes, biases - you have to let it all go, in order to have room in your head to take in the message."

I had a situation recently, where a (not in recovery)friend and I, were in a small social group - 5 people - and afterwards, I'd mentioned that some of the language used had seemed negating or dismissive - lots of labelling, and assumptions. My friend asked that I elaborate, give her some examples - when I did, she responded that she hadn't heard any of that. I was surprised, as it had been gratingly obvious to me, perhaps because it was "criticism of others." The longer I'm in Al-Anon, the more aware I seem to become of this, and the more it bothers me.

In other areas of my life, such as my relationship with my spouse, I have not been a great listener. Too much emotion swirling, too much of allowing myself to get away with behaviors that I know in my heart, are not the kindest of choices. Too much rationalising about "not wanting to hear his excuses when his behavior" yada yada yada - I lose my focus, and when I lose my focus, I lose sight of both my listening training, and my program training. I know better. I pray to be aware and open-minded, to be a good listener, in all aspects of my life.

Pronouncements of Blame.

Just a little while ago, my alcoholic looked me straight in the face, and coolly pronounced me to blame for something which has happened. I was sitting at the kitchen table when this was said, and after a moment of stunned silence, I got up and came into my workroom, closing the door. I was reeling.

Not only can I not follow the reasoning, I'm astounded to discover that they consider it to be my fault. All becomes clear, having had this piece of the puzzle plopped down onto the table in front of me; I find myself thinking that now I understand the resentment I've been sensing, the anger directed towards me for no apparent reason, the snarky comments, the contempt. It's my fault -  therein lies the justification for the behavior directed towards me.

I had to go call my sponsor and talk for a few moments, until I felt that my world view had reasserted itself on a balanced plane. I said with heartfelt gratitude that I was happy I had a meeting to attend this evening, and we both laughed.

Now that I'm on the other side of the conversation with my sponsor, all I can do is shake my head and detach from the utter insanity of the alcoholic reasoning. I can be grateful that I'm not on the inside of their head, and that I have my program to help me during these moments. I can insist that I be treated with respect, and I can calmly, courteously refuse to accept the yoke of blame.

I can pray for guidance from my Higher Power.

Discussions of Religion.

Syd posted a comment regarding this post, mentioning the Lord's prayer being said at the end of Al-Anon meetings - I've never experienced this - any meeting I've been to, closes with the Serenity Prayer.  So, that's interesting, must be a cultural thing, I guess.
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From the Al-Anon pamplet: 3 OBSTACLES TO SUCCESS IN AL-ANON.

"All Al-Anon discussions should be constructive, helpful, loving and understanding. In striving toward these ideals, we avoid topics that can lead to dissension and distract us from our goals.

1. DISCUSSIONS OF RELIGION.
Al-Anon is not allied with any sect or denomination. It is a spiritual program, based on no particular form of religion. Everyone is welcome, no matter of what affiliation or none. Let us not defeat our purpose by entering into discussions concerning specific religious tenets."
 
When I was very new to Al-Anon, I was grateful for that aspect of the fellowship, because I believed myself to be a confirmed aetheist, and  talk of anything religious made me clench my teeth and stop listening. I did NOT want to hear it. I'd had sufficient organised religion stuffed down my throat as a child, that I felt I'd reached my earthly limit, and couldn't swallow another morsel.
 
I still feel gratitude for this tradition, but my reasons couldn't be more dissimilar. My spiritual beliefs have changed considerably over my time in program, so now it isn't that I don't want to listen to any "Higher Power talk," it's that I have a far deeper understanding of the wisdom of this tradition/policy/suggestion/guideline - call it what you will.
 
I've seen two individuals who might have been of great help and comfort to one another, divided by their religious beliefs - they didn't respect this Al-Anon guideline, and were soon engaged in heated discussions in which the words "sinner"  "misguided" "one true way" and "deluded" were bandied about. From a possible source of support and encouragement, the relationship became a maelstrom of acrimony.
 
They went from always arriving at the meetings in the same car, to refusing to attend any meeting at which they thought the other might be present. 
 
I've had to set a boundary on this issue with several relative newcomers to Al-Anon over the years I've been in program; some have respected it first time, and some have not. 
 
One of my main beliefs regarding this issue has to do with organised religion's unfortunate habit of choosing to see their members as the only ones who have "Seen the Light."
People who do not believe as they do, are regarded as anything from a poor misguided soul who just needs to be told "the truth," to serious sinners on a road hellbent to destruction.
 
If I regard myself as in possession of "the truth," and you as either misguided, or flat-out sinning wrong, what possible equality can there be for the two of us, in Al-Anon?
 
Can I learn from you if I regard you only through that lens? What is the likelihood that I will be offering you "welcome and comfort," and giving the alcoholic "understanding and encouragement?"
 
12 Step doesn't work very well if one person sees themselves as superior in any way, to another member of our fellowship. The equality we practise, the "feelings we have for you," are only possible if we see ourselves as two peas in the earthly pod.

Interesting Questions.

Syd's post for Thursday made me laugh when I reached the final paragraph, the idea of being "...pulled overboard by a killer whale." It's so Jaws. The whole idea that orcas are out there looking for a tasty person to have as a nice little midday snack, and have the motor control to get far enough out of the water, then bend themselves in half like a stooping human, and pluck a person from a boat? Mind-boggling.

I have my own ideas about why orcas in captivity kill people, and it has to do with taking a magnificent animal capable of ranging for thousands of miles in the oceans: a social animal, which in the wild lives in pods, cohesive family groups, and placing it into a tiny pen, alone, forcing it to perform silly tricks for food rewards. (All this as a money-making venture, regardless of the "educational"  rationalisations offered.) But let's not get me started on that particular rant. (She said, having already delivered herself of half of it.)

I feel the same about birds - I have never, from a small child, been able to understand how people can capture a creature which can fly, and then cage it and clip its wings, rendering it earthbound.

One of those mysteries of human nature, that we cannot just admire wild creatures in the wild, but must remove them from their natural habitat and put them into the miseries of captivity, for our entertainment.

We have that endless desire to be in control. I think the human species doesn't like the idea that other creatures on the planet can be our predators; we want to be at the top of the food chain, the ultimate predator, and with our technologies and our arrogance, in many ways, we are.

But one on one, it's a vastly different story. And some of us just hate that.

I'm a member of a gardening website, and cringe to read of how many people are still madly pumping poisonous pesticides into our environment, for no other reason than to make it easier to weed their gardens.

It's that whole "I want this, and my little bit of hubris isn't going to hurt anything" magnified a hundred thousand, a million, a billion times, that is killing our beautiful planet. We're on a spaceship, and merrily bashing away at the hull, saying cheerily, "I'm only making a tiny dent, one tiny dent won't matter, surely?"

I've ranged rather far afield from where I started; suffice it to say that the desire for ultimate control over our environment and all the people, creatures, plants and insects within it, has been our downfall, and will continue to be.

There are those of us going about asking the ones with the hammers to please stop bashing at the hull of the spaceship, and wrestling others to the ground and confiscating their hammers, and we do it for love.

Love of spaceship Earth, and all the miracles and beauty she contains.

Morning People

Why do morning people feel morally superior to those of us on a different circadian rhythm? Must be all those years of hearing proverbs in childhood: "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise."  I don't shame those folks who cannot keep their eyes open past nine or ten o'clock in the evening, why do they feel perfectly justified in shaming me for not getting up early?

It isn't that I go to bed when they do, and just sleep for 3-4 hours longer - in most cases, I'm getting a significant amount less sleep than early risers. When I challenge these perceptions, I can often watch the other person struggling to fit this information into their pre-conceived notions about how those of us who sleep into the morning are "lazy" or "slackers."

We all have our ideas about what other people should be doing, in a world run along our personal guidelines, but how often are we operating under this type of misconception? I know I've seen my own faulty thinking challenged time and again, and every time, I find myself shaking my head and wondering - how did I get to the point I reached, without taking any of that into account?

I did it by assuming that I knew what was happening, (without bothering to find out if I was correct,) and then I went on to act upon my assumptions - always a shaky place from which to begin.

From the ODAT, page 92:

"With Al-Anon's help, I can make my battered old world into a shining new one."

Let me be someone who pauses in my thinking long enough to allow others the room to be fully who they are, without comparing, and without judgement.

Oh Please, Not That Again!

I saw a doormat the other day, which read, "Oh no, not you again!"  It reminded me of the cry of one sponsee I had years back, who was very determined to get her own way in each and every encounter with the alcoholic - so much so, that she would work out elaborate scenarios, in which she would set him up, just so she could chop him off at the knees. When she'd call me, to run these past me, I'd ask her what her motive was, and her initial reply was always the sentence I've chosen for the title of this post.

It's a thin dividing line between certainty and arrogance, and I can cross over without realising it, if I don't take care to be aware of my motives.

I know I've bored more than one sponsee over the years, with my "What would be your motive in responding that way/taking that action/making that statement?" questions, but I am a firm believer that most of us are fairly skilled at self-deception when it comes to our own motives.

I know I am. I can spin entire castles out of straw, when I'm determined to convince myself that something I'd like to do, or say, would be not only satisfying, but completely appropriate. I laughed today, reading MrSponsorPants :

"...some people get creative with their tax deductions -- stretching what qualifies as a write-off to comical degrees."

I was thinking about a friend who has a business, and does precisely that very thing.  Hearing about his tax deductions has given me good practise in keeping my mouth firmly closed.  I make noncommittal noises like "Mmmm?" in response, rather than saying what I truly think, since he isn't asking for my opinion, and I need the exercise in keeping silent.

My first sponsor used to suggest that I would benefit from talking less and listening more - I'd felt deeply offended by this suggestion, but working a Fourth Step made it clear to me that this was nothing more than the simple truth. I got to where she'd start the sentence, "Perhaps you'd benefit from talking.." and I'd interrupt her to finish it, "...less and listening more, yeah, yeah, I know." She'd fix me with that basilisk glare, and ask, "If you know it, why aren't you doing it?"

Why? Because I have a tendency towards arrogance, that's why.
(You get two, two, two co-dependents in one! The arrogant control freak, and the craven people-pleaser!)

Whenever I hear myself starting an argument inside my head with someone who is trying to tell me their truth, that's arrogance. Whenever I decide that I know how someone else should better run their life/ pick their partner/ do their job, I am falling into an arrogant mindset. And when I'm in that mindset, I am not teachable, because I've decided there's nothing here to learn, I know it all already.

When I'm feeling humble, I cringe to think of the times I am arrogant. When I'm arrogant, I feel a creeping unease that I'm not behaving the way I should, and it often only serves to harden my position at the time. I have to get away by myself, meditate, read some program literature, run whatever it is past my sponsor, and then I can see my arrogance clearly.

For me, it's almost always about fear. I'm afraid - of rejection, abandonment, loss, pain, sorrow. I have a tendency, developed in my earlier life, to leap straight from fear into anger, because anger feels powerful, and fear feels vulnerable. I was astonished the first day I realised that. It tilted my worldview sharply, to realise with a calm understanding that all those times I was stomping an angry road, I'd started down it, stumbling along in fear. When I'm afraid, I have a hard time admitting to it, because I see it as a weakness.

Where did this come from? Same place most of my insanity got started - in the craziness of my childhood. Before Al-Anon, I was still reacting like a small child who is terrified, but denies her fear even as she wets herself in terror.

Fear ruled my life. It still comes knocking, insisting that if I just let it in, it will tell me the real story. It tooks me years in Al-Anon to be able to get to a place where I could understand that my fears were possible, yes, but so was a positive outcome - it was 50/50 most times, so why did I never consider that?

When I'm in a fragile state emotionally, or ill, or fatigued, I am far more likely to fall back into that state of fearful dread of the future. Whatever is coming, I just know it won't be good. Times like that are when I become arrogant and controlling, stubborn and judgemental - all my character defects come rushing to the fore, willing and ready to take me over, if I allow it. A line in today's reading in the ODAT leapt out at me:

"No-one can distort my thinking unless I permit it."

That includes me, that "no-one."