Roller Coaster Ride, con't.

Just a quick note to say that I saw a doctor at Cancer Care this morning, and had an urgent ultrasound this afternoon, and am now taking two kinds of antibiotic, as the doctor thought the lumps were the result of an infection, and or possible abscesses. She mentioned that on chemo, one is vulnerable to infections that someone with a fully functioning immune system can shake off easily.

We're praying that the news from the test will be that she's correct in her diagnosis, and that my new lumps are part of the infection.

She noticed, as I had not, that a lump I'd still had at my last appointment has now disappeared, and also, I'm gaining weight, both excellent signs.

I'm trying to let go of awfulising, projecting, and worrying, and just live in the moment and be grateful for all of my blessings. I'll keep you updated. Thanks to all of you who sent your best wishes to me, it's enormously comforting to receive them.

Roller Coaster Ride.

Living with cancer has been likened to a roller coaster ride - peaks - a clean ct scan, and valleys - I've found some new lumps in the month I've been off chemo long enough to get the PICC line out of my arm, and a chemo port installed in my chest. I wanted this done because I'd developed a ferocious allergy to the adhesive on the plastic and gauze bandages they were using on the PICC line, and the itch was driving me to distraction.

But the result of no chemo for a month is the new lumps. All I can hope is that once chemo starts up again tomorrow, they will be shrunk back into nothingness. I'm feeling anxious and frightened, and have had to ask my Higher Power to take my fear and anxiety, and grant me serenity. Against my initial feelings, I've shared the news with close friends in program, and shared my fear. I have received such love, caring and support, it brings tears to my eyes to know that I am loved.

I spent all of my life before Al-Anon, wanting to be loved, but being the kind of person who was so angry and resentful that I drove people away from me. I have the support system that I do now because of the person I have become as a result of this wonderful program.

I'm off to Cancer Care to see a doctor in about 45 mins, I'll keep you updated with whatever news I get.

A Better Attitude.

Sorry no posts for so long, I was reeling from the news about the cancer having returned. But now, a couple of weeks further on, my mood has settled more into acceptance and gratitude for all of the love in my life: friends, family, and my wonderful Robert.

One of the women in a group I attend weekly, came up to me before the last meeting, gave me her phone number and address, told me that she had been through one aspect of the surgery I'm facing, and would happily be there for me as support and encouragement. I called her a few days later, and she was encouraging and helpful. Her surgery was due to other reasons, not cancer, but it was the same sort of thing, and she is willing to come to my place and help me when I'm newly home from hospital, and to be a support by phone at any time. I'm supposed to call her this weekend, and go over to her place for tea and some more talking.

I felt far less frightened after speaking with her; she helped me to feel that I can get through the surgery and recover, although it's life-changing and invasive. I have no choice, if I want to live for any time at all, I have to get it done.

Tomorrow I go for a CT scan in the morning, in an effort to see if the cancer has metastasized to my other organs. If it has, I will be lucky to live for another couple of years, if it has not, who knows?

My brother is flying out from New York on the 2nd, and going home on the 4th. We were estranged for many years, and haven't seen each other for almost 30 years, so I am giddily excited at the idea of having even that short space of time to visit with him.

When I live in the moment, life is good.

AA Rally

Last night was the start of this weekend's local AA rally. A program friend gave me a ticket as a gift, and I went with my beloved sponsor, and a woman I sponsor, whose courage for the program invigorates and inspires me. Rallies have an energy which is uplifting and powerful. One of my favourite moments at an AA rally is the countdown to sobriety. That's happening tonight, and the three of us are going back for another evening of laughter and wisdom, and then again Sunday morning, to hear the Spiritual speakers.

I'm thinking I might drop in this afternoon for the "Old-Timers sharing - 30 plus years of sobriety" I like to hear people talk about how sobriety has changed for them over the years. It seems that once the first overwhelming compulsion to drink has been removed, and a few years of sobriety has been gained, that to keep a solid program going, many people turn more to the spiritual side of the program.

Listening to the AA speaker last night, when he quoted "God could and would, if he were sought" I realised just how much my seeking has changed over the time I've been in Al-Anon. My seeking at the start, 28 years ago, consisted of my asking from my Higher Power, that I be granted my own will.
It took me years to be able, or willing, to grasp that what I was asking was doomed to failure, and that if I kept on along that path, I was never going to be able to trust my Higher Power, because I was going to continually be operating under the belief that I would never be granted that for which I was asking.

When my seeking changed from wanting my own will to asking for help, guidance and comfort, my program took a huge leap forward, because the results were swift, breath-taking, and hugely powerful in changing my thinking. I, like other old-timers in program that I've heard, can see that my progress in understanding and acceptance, and my level of serenity, grew deeper in the last ten years than in the almost 20 years prior to it. I don't know if it's because my stubbornness kept me plodding along a  path that led nowhere but back to myself, or if my fear was the culprit (a favourite AA speaker talks often about the fact that it isn't that we're afraid that true honest prayer for God's help won't work, we fear that it will work, and then where will we be, with our ideas about life?) -whatever the reason, when I began to ask for help instead of to be granted my will, everything changed, not the least of which was me.

I began to let go of things I'd had a steely grip upon for years, because I just couldn't trust enough to let them go. I accepted, and I turned over the clutter which had been clogging my thinking before then. That's when I knew I was going to have to leave my marriage, because I didn't want to live with my husband'd anger for one more day. When my friend took ill with cancer, and died within 3 months of his diagnosis, it was a turning point for me, I looked around at my life, and thought, "That could be me, I don't want my last 3 months of life to be lived in this environment of anger, with a man who is so self-absorbed he cannot really see me." With my husband's illness, his self-absorption is understandable, I'm grateful on a daily basis that I'm here now, and not still there.

If I'm going to make it to the library, and the old-timer's sharing, I need to get ready now. Take care, and may your day be blessed with beauty and serenity.

Living Beyond Your Means.

That phrase is generally understood to be referring to our financial states, but I was thinking today that I lived far beyond my means emotionally, in the marriage.  I extrended myself to exhaustion, trying to keep something going for which I didn't have the resources.

I was, for many years convinced (and told, since the alcoholic refused to take any responsibility for our relationship whatsoever, it was always and forever all my doing) that if I just tried harder, I could make it work. I'll never forget hearing somewhere, at a meeting, or perhaps a 12-Step speaker, that it's impossible to sustain a relationship when only one person is willing to put in the effort. 

When the other person has made it clear that they are unwilling to respond to me in any way other than the one they've chosen, whether that way is dismissive, painful, or merely indifferent, and I keep on trying, in the hope that they will "come around" "see the light" "get the program" I am living beyond my means. When I am expending myself in the effort to get what I want, giving more than I can afford emotionally, not receiving what I need in return, I am spending resources with no consideration of what happens when it's all going out, with nothing coming back in.

I want to be clear that this was my choice, to live beyond my emotional means. I may have felt like a victim, bvut I was a willing, if misguided, participant.I may have been susceptible to the acceptance of this treatment because of a self-image damaged in an abusive childhood, but I was also going regularly to an Al-Anon meeting, and denying to myself, my sponsor, and my Higher Power that I was married to an emotionally distant, and increasingly verbally abusive man.

Abuse creates abuse, and the cycle is broken only when the secret is broken. I pretended that my marriage was good for many years, partly from sorrow, and also from pride. It hurt my pride that I, a woman who had been in Al-Anon for many years, was living this way.

My pride was hurt,  and I felt ashamed that my pride was hurt, shouldn't I be above or beyond this after all the time I'd been in Al-Anon?

And then my beloved friend died, and suddenly pride was no longer of the slightest importance.

My grief opened me to my Higher Power, and completely, with utter clarity, to myself. I knew that I was emotionally bankrupt in that marriage, and that I had given all I had to give. That knowledge gave me the peace to leave.

I've survived the worst of the grief for my friend, my marriage, my dogs, and the life I wanted so badly to have, that I was willing to deny the reality of the terrible loneliness I felt in that marriage.

I went to a meeting tonight where the topic was "Living in the Present Moment" and I felt gratitude and peace as each member of the group shared.  I listened to the ways that each of us has fought with ourselves, sometimes for years, before we could find the peace and strength to choose to live in the now.

I pray to be granted relief from what AA's Third Step Prayer terms "the bondage of self."

Changed Attitudes

I was doing yoga exercises this afternoon, listening to an Al-Anon speaker, and kept having to pause the file, to get up and run over to the kitchen table to write down what she'd just said. This woman spoke about her version of "contempt prior to investigation" and her description caused me to realise that I've been doing just that about my new living quarters. As of the first of Sept, I will be living in an apartment. I've only lived in two or three in my life, becauce I had all sorts of reasons why I didn't like them, and preferred a house.

At the moment, my options are severely limited due to my finances being severely limited. I've been offered a one-bedroom in an area of town I love, close to a large park, and the ocean. It's very small, but it will be my peaceful, private nest.

I have a choice, do I concentrate upon how much I'd rather live in a house with my dog, which at this time, is not within my financial reach, or do I concentrate upon the blessing of this little private space which will be mine alone, and in which I will be able to learn and heal from my sorrow? My choice.

One makes me feel hard-done-by and self-pitying, one makes me feel grateful. I want gratitude, and peace of mind. I want to be able to accept what I am given in life without always wanting something different. It isn't that I believe we shouldn't strive for more, I do, but I"m realising that in the unhappy years of that marriage, I had some belief in geographic cure.

And that never works, because I have to take myself with me. My same crazy over-thinking self would be along for the ride no matter where I went. So I choose gratitude, and the work required to remind myself of my choice, when those little thoughts slide across the forefront of my mind.

Helping or Enabling?

How do I know the difference between helping my alcoholic, and enabling them?

One dictionary defines enabling as: "to make possible or easy." When I lived with active alcoholism in my first marriage, and hadn't yet heard of Al-Anon, I enabled the alcoholic. I made runs to the liquor store so he wouldn't drive while intoxicated. I made excuses for him. I "explained" him to family and friends. I did it because I was fearful of the consequences, and also because I wanted to be a good wife.

In this marriage, because the alcoholic had been sober for many years before we met, and I was fairly new to Al-Anon, I imagined him cured, and let go of all the teachings of the program about enabling - I was under the mistaken impression that enabling was part of active drinking, and not alcoholism as a whole. I can still have some difficulty distinguishing between helping and enabling, especially when I'm asked to "do a favour" and either I forget to say "I'll get back to you on that" or :"Let me think about it" because the person asking the favour is pressuring me for an immediate answer, or because I'm in HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired.  When I'm vulnerable, I'm less likely to resist manipulation, because I don't have the energy to stand my ground against repeated verbal pressure. That's when I need to remove myself  - by leaving the room, and sometimes the house, even if all I do is wander outside to look at my garden.

For me, enabling has almost always been driven by fear - fear of financial insecurity, fear of what others may think, fear of the future. At some point in my recovery, I found that I can ask to have my fear removed, and it will be, as long as I am willing to also let go of the coping mechanisms which have arisen around that fear, and learn a new way to be. If I try to ask to have the fear removed without any willingness on my part to let go of old patterns of behavior, and old coping mechanisms, I will be asking again 5 minutes later, because I'm not doing my part.

 Fear used to make me angry, and in my anger I would lash out at the alcoholic, saying hurtful things, and blaming him for all the problems in our life.I wanted relief from the awful fear I felt, but I wasn't changing the way I behaved as I asked to have my fear taken. I didn't understand at that point, that to be at peace, I need to be loving. I can't get relief from my own fear while being mean to someone else.

As is the way with so many of these realisations I've been granted, on this side of it, I'm amazed that I didn't get it earlier. In effect, I was saying to my HP  "Please make me feel different, (no fear) while I do exactly what I've always done in this situation. (lash out in blame.) I would do it, make an amend, then do it again the next time. I didn't get the correlation between my unhappy feeling about behaving that way, and my fear about whatever it was. I always had a good reason for my behavior, and felt justified because if it weren't for the alcoholic, I wouldn't be feeling so awful. On this side of the realisation, I have discovered that the fear was a smaller part of my feeling that I had thought - distress about being a person who acted that way when she was afraid was the major part of it.

When I let go of who I have been, and try my best to be more loving, I feel better about myself. When I feel better about myself, fear doesn't have the same ability to grab me by the throat the way it once did. When I am more loving to others, I am more loving to myself. I pray to be always more loving.

More Than We Can Handle

This week has pushed me to my emotional limits. I've discovered that I'm stronger than I thought, have more courage than I'd have given myself credit for, and there are areas of my life philosophy which need rethinking.

I'm feeling very tired now, and until the situation resolves itself, I'm going to continue to be tired. I believe that friendship carries certain obligations, and I take them seriously - sometimes the greatest gift that we can give a friend is just to sit with them as they experience the pain and tragedies of life. We can't ease them, we can't fix them, all we can do is give the comfort of our time, freely shared.

I'm really having to work my program so as not to be taken over by the fear that when my friend is released from hospital in a few days, he will do himself further harm. That's beyond my control. I cannot make him want to live after his life partner has died.

I keep catching myself worrying about this. I stop, take a moment's pause, then ask my Higher Power to remove my fear,  grant me peace and serenity.

Fighting Fear.

Today my friend (who has just undergone major surgery to remove cancer tumours) was finally well enough that I could go to the hospital to visit him. When I walked into the hospital room, I had a second's pause of my mind utterly refusing to believe that this ghostly pale, thin. weak man was my wonderful, loving friend. Only a month ago, he was still a vibrant energetic man. Now he's lying in a hospital bed too weak to speak much above a whisper, with IV's in each arm, and various drainage tubes, catheters, pain medication feed lines all running into and from his arms. I didn't break stride, and I asked God to please grant me the strength not to let the shock show in my face, or body language. I bent to hug him as gently as possible, and kissed him, saying how lovely it was to see him, and agreeing that the view from his window wasn't too bad, since he could see mostly trees.

He patted the side of his bed for me to sit, so I did, and was joking with him, teasing him lovingly, talking about gardening and my little dog, while the shock of seeing him looking so dreadfully thin and ill resonated through me like a cold ache. I stayed for a half-hour or so until he said he was beginning to tire, then hugged and kissed him again, went out into the hallway, took the elevator back to the ground floor, and walked slowly back out to my car.

 I'm still feeling that shock of my first sight of him, and the prognosis, told to me by his partner, and by my friend himself - he has been given 3 months to live because the cancer has metastasised to his liver in "hundreds of places" according to the oncologist. When I was sitting there with him today, he looked at me, and said softly, "I might not make it."  I gave him the little silver ankh I'd brought for him, the Egyptian symbol of everlasting life, and reminded him that doctors are just trained people with opinions, and that he has a ferociously strong will and life force.

I'm writing this while wearing a leather vest he gave me not long ago, it somehow brings him near to me, and reminds me to keep on praying for him. He's been a source of love and kindness for many of us in his 61 years, one of those special people with a loving generosity of spirit.

I wish that I could find a way through tears to break up the stone of aching grief in my chest, but I can't weep. I'm feeling bottled up, trying to find my way to acceptance through praying for my friend, and for my little dog. I love them both so, and I can do nothing in either case, it's beyond my control, I can only live with however it will be. I am grateful for the live that each of them has given me, and for the love I've felt for them. Love is a precious gift, and I've been blessed in my life.

May Already, And Faith.

My little dog being hurt has placed me into a situation where I must rely on faith that she will improve. Her breeder and the vet tell me that they've both seen dachshunds recover and go on to lead a normal life after back injury. I'm told that time, steroids, pain meds and crate rest will heal her, because we are very fortunate, and she has no neurologic deficits,  her only symptom is pain and that this fact suggests the possibilty of an excellent outcome. I'm willing and committed to do whatever I can to ease her suffering and help restore her to health, and I'm receiving a lesson in faith while I do so.

Faith requires that I let go of what I want, and accept what is now. I have much for which to feel grateful - that we can afford the vet, and the medications to ease my little dog's pain. I'm grateful for enough time in Al-Anon that I no longer spend the time railing at my Higher Power for what is happening in my life, which used to consume me in fury and frustration before 12-Step.

When I awoke in the middle of the night last night, and immediately my thoughts leapt to my little dog and her suffering, I had a choice in that moment as to whether I would take the path of worrying and stress and anxious horrified imaginings, or would I ask my HP for help to let that go?

I've come to believe that for myself, anxiety is lack of faith, because if I truly trust my HP, what do I have to be anxious about? Do I trust that I will be looked after, or don't I? If I do, then I let it go, and ask to have my character defects removed so that I may enjoy my life. Well, do I believe that my HP cares for me, but not for my little dog? She too is one of his creatures. No, I believe that she is loved as I am loved. Then I do what I can to look after her, and let the rest go. Don't obsess over whether she seems better than yesterday, or worse, accept.  Do the next thing there is to do. Be loving. Live in the moment, because the now is all there is. I have to live in the day, and in the moment, this and this and this are happening.

Don't let my thoughts become my master. Shake them off and seek serenity. That's what I have to do.

Acceptance.

I've been struggling with this the last 24 hours, having to time and again turn my mind to positive thoughts, and ask my HP to help me, for a couple of reasons, one being that my friend has been diagosed with colon cancer.

My little dog is a good indicator of how well I'm doing in my attitude, because she senses it, and responds accordingly - last night, after receiving the bad news, I wandered around the house for a few minutes, with her close at my heels, giving me little nudges with her nose when I stopped to gaze out the front window. Glancing down, I saw in her body language the mirror of my own distress, and going to the kitchen, picked up the phone and called a dear friend, telling her what I'd just learned, asked if she'd like to go for a dog walk. She agreed, and within 20 minutes was at my door, hugging me; we gathered up dogs and leashes and went out for a long walk. I talked about the diagnosis, and my fears, and my friend gave comfort through her willingness to walk with me, and give me the gift of allowing free expression of all my feelings, the joyous, and the painful.

This morning, I realised that I've been fighting off tears ever since my friend called to tell me that he's been diagnosed with cancer. This is old behavior, rooted in childhood, this not allowing myself to truly feel my feelings, trying instead to surmount them. I've expended enormous energy in my life, doing this - going through my days with sorrow half-choking me, because at some point I had lost the ability to release the pain through tears, and then when I regained it, I didn't want to submit to weeping, to surrender.

I have no control over this. It will be what it will be, and I will go with it, because when it comes to life and my powerlessness, I'm a twig going over Niagara Falls. My only choice is in my attitude - am I going over screaming in fear and anger, or am I going in peace, knowing that I have the precious gifts of friendship and love in my life? I am truly blessed with the people in my life - fascinating, witty, generous people - and I am blessed to have had a family doctor all those years ago, who kept telling me, "I think you need to go to Al-Anon." I had no concept then, of the love and growth I would be offered, or the healing. I went to my first meeting seeking a way to stop my alcoholic from drinking, and here I am, so far from that day in time and place, with a gratitude I cannot begin to express for all of those who've helped me along the way.

I've gone from a bitter, furious, resentful woman who hadn't cried in years, to someone who knows how to get through anything. Reach out, ask for help and support, and then when it's offered, accept it.
Let the tears flow, let the pain out, ask my HP for serenity, and be willing to let it all go. Give back to others what was so generously given to me by the women at my first meeting, and every Al-Anon meeting since - love.

Common Denominators - Rigidity

 In which areas am I rigid? What are my "rules?"  Rules are different for each of us, and can range from "Don't complain" to "Dishes must be arranged in the dishwasher in this order" to "Don't let the dog up on the furniture" to "A good friend would never do _____" to "When gardening, always deadhead before watering." It can be an interesting experiment to try to figure out as many of our rules as possible, then begin to work to let them go.

I was raised by a ferociously rigid adoptive mother who enforced her many rules and regulations with physical abuse. It wasn't until I had some time in Al-Anon that I gained an understanding that her rigidity was powered by fear - she lived in a constant state of fear. She'd had a hard childhood herself, had learned that the world and the people in it were not to be trusted, and as an adult, tried to cope with her fear by coming up with rules to cover any and every eventuality.

I didn't want to be anything like her, but I'd been well-trained into the idea that there's only one right way to do something, (and that when I became an adult, I could make up my own rules and enforce them) so it was a long hard haul uphill to try to change this way of thinking. Before I could begin to change it, I needed to understand which feelings drove it, and the purpose it served.

The feelings behind most of my rules were/are: fear, and a desire for control. If it's not one, it's the other, and  I've expended much energy trying to make the various alcoholics in my life follow my many rules. (Good luck on that one.) When I catch myself being rigid, I've learned to stop, investigate what my feeling is, why has it arisen, what do I believe will happen if my rule isn't followed to the letter, and can I choose to let this go?

So many of the things that I once believed should be done my way have been repeatedly proven to be equally as successful if done someone else's way. It doesn't matter one bit how they are done, as long as they get done. Muddling through works fine most times. There's very little in most of our lives that needs to be done precisely. This isn't rocket science, brain surgery, or computer programming.

Seems like I'm always discovering new areas in which I need to let go. Whenever I hear myself using the word "should" in a sentence, I know I need to stop and take a good look at that thought process - "should" or "shouldn't" has become a red flag for me. Much of my martyrdom was about other people refusing to follow my rules. How dare they? My first sponsor suggested a better question might be, "Why would they?"



The more I can let go, the more serenity I find. The plants don't care if I water before deadheading, or afterwards. They have a few basic needs, and as long as those are met, they will thrive. I too, have only a few basic needs. I too, can thrive if I choose to.

Resisting Manipulation.

We teach other people how to treat us. This painful truth can be a lesson I must learn time and again with regard to some of the alcoholics in my life.

It can be a matter of remaining polite and cheerful while the other person is settled in for a long siege of mind games, emotional withdrawal and/or ignoring, in an effort to make me do what they want, in response to my having stated firmly and courteously that I am not going to do ____ anymore.

So, how to resist this sort of manipulation? I focus upon my own program, work with my sponsees, and use prayer and meditation to increase my conscious contact with my Higher Power. I need that conscious contact to keep myself in balance, and be able to maintain my boundaries.

I also don't do anymore what I once did - bring the topic up repeatedly, trying to explain again my feelings, decisions, and reasons for my choices. I try my very best to say it once, then step back, and let it go. Turn it over. Turn them over. Don't keep going over and poking them with my words, trying to control them, wanting them to respond differently.

Let them do whatever they are going to do, and don't provide them with an audience for their tantrums and head games by wandering around the house following them, like a puppy trying to make amends after a scolding. If someone turns their back to me when I'm speaking, I stop talking, and walk away. If I were to stay and continue speaking to their back, I'm enabling that rudeness.

If I agree to have conversations during which the other person is playing head games with me, I'm enabling those mind games.

I'm realising that I still have some areas of life in which I can be manipulated through fear, and financial security is a big one for me, as it is for many of us. This is on my mind a lot lately, this fear, and every time it arises, I have been turning it over to my Higher Power, and then letting it go. It's all out of my hands anyway, so why would I torture myself with it?

I desire peace, and the way to peace for me, is through staying in the moment, because in the moment, I have everything I need, and through prayer and meditation. I need to be willing to do what I don't want to do - let go of my fear of financial security and believe that I am in my HP's care. I also need to be willing to stick to that which I know is best for me, regardless of how scary that may feel right now.

I need to feel my fear, and then turn that over, too. I pray for courage, for peace, for acceptance.

Old Dogs, New Tricks, and Fireworks.

Our little male dog was always utterly terrified of fireworks, thunder, any loud noise, but fireworks were the worst, they'd send him to his bed to shake for hours. It was a dreadful sight, and we tried everything to comfort him, but nothing worked. Our little female dog wasn't afraid when we adopted her, but followed his lead - if he was so afraid, there must be something to fear, and she became terrified of fireworks herself.

One day I was watching the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, and he spoke of distracting a dog when they are afraid. I thought - how do I do that? I decided to get my dog a new toy, and keep it until the night of the fireworks. When the first one went off, I reached behind the couch cushion, brought out the new toys, and handed them out. He didn't know what to do - his fear was telling him to rush down the hall to cower in his bed, but he had just been given a new toy - he compromised by taking his new toy into his bed, and huddling with it there. Over time, we've worked on distracting him with retrieving whenever there's a loud frightening noise. He's a crazed retreiver dog.

Last night I was overjoyed when the first very loud firework exploded, and he rushed into the livingroom, grabbed his newest toy, brought it to where I was at the kichen sink, dropped it at my feet, and stood eagerly waiting, tail waving, ears up. He has learned to associate fireworks with play. It brought a lump to my throat and the sting of tears to my eyes - his terror was gone, as if it had never been.

If a 10 year old dog, (that's 70 in human years,) can learn to get over a life-long fear, can't we do the same?

"Can Al-Anon Help Me With Anxiety?"

I've added "anxiety" to the list of topics, and attached it to several posts, because anxiety seems to be a common denominator in Al-Anon. From today's reading in Courage to Change, page 306:

"Likewise, when my thoughts race out of control, I need to stop. I may do this by breathing deeply and looking at my surroundings. It can help to repleace the obsessive thoughts with something positive, such as an Al-Anon slogan, the Serenity Prayer, or another comforting topic that has nothing to do with my problem."

I learned how to head off panic attacks with the help of a kindly intern at a hospital, years before Al-Anon, but it wasn't until I got into program that I learned how to quiet the mental turmoil. A popular AA speaker in the States uses the phrase "ravaged by thought." An excellent description of what we do to ourselves. If I don't want to be ravaged by thought, I must be willing to let go of my worries, and not be chewing them over like a cow with its cud, all the while running like a madwoman on the gerbil wheel inside my head.

I need Awareness of what's going on in my internal dialogue, Acceptance of what it is that I can and cannot do, and then I must take Action by using the program tools I've been taught. It's up to me, in the end, because nobody can surrender or let go for me, I must be willing to do it myself.

The Many Facets of Fear.

When I was in my early twenties, I began to have panic attacks - my heart would feel like it was going to pound right out of my chest, my entire body would shake, and, utterly transfixed by fear and an overwhelming claustrophobia, my singleminded focus was: get outside now!

I would walk out of the grocery store, leaving a full cart: pull over to the side of the road and get out of the car: be found out on the back porch/in the yard/walking my dog, no matter what the weather, or time of day.

I will be forever grateful to an emergency room intern, who, after listening to my heart, showed me how to calm myself through the use of shallow, slow breathing, and affirmations that this was just an anxiety attack, I wasn't going to keel over, I was fine. I learned to talk myself down.

I learned that anxiety attacks follow a pattern - once we've had one, we then worry that we'll have another,  and we become afraid of feeling afraid.

This intern explained to me that with the initial feeling of anxiety in a panic attack, comes a physical response - a little spurt of adrenalin, which causes our heart rate and breathing to speed up, our senses to sharpen, our hands to shake, perhaps we get a feeling of nausea. We then think, "Oh NO! I'm having an anxiety attack!" and then we get a big dump of adrenalin into our system, and the full flight-or-fight response kicks in, rational thought falls by the wayside, and we are in full panic mode.

I learned to head off physical panic attacks, but it wasn't until Al-Anon that I gained any control over my mental panic attacks - the gerbil wheel of obsessive worry and awfulising. I learned to deal with these quite effectively, most times.

Until menopause, and insomnia. When I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, not only is it difficult not to worry and obsess, but my sleep debt begins to negatively affect my daytime mental state, and I become far more likely to do that same worrying and obsessing during my waking hours.

I've had a bad few days with this, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to get out of the hand-dug pit. I've read program literature, prayed, reasoned things out with someone else, prayed, practised thought-stopping, all of my usual ways of dealing with worry, and the moment I've relaxed my guard, I will find myself right back into it, full-bore.  I'm feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.

No wisdom today, apart from the knowledge that if I keep working my program, this too shall pass. I'm reminding myself to be grateful for the blessings in my life, and not to give this difficult period too much weight. When I wake up in the wee small hours, I read; this occupies my mind enough that I can't imagine various scenarios, all negative, with which to torment myself. When I become sleepy again, I say the Serenity Prayer, or pray to be granted sleep. I'm listening to a lot of program speaker tapes during the day, and going to as many meetings as I can.

I also find it's important for me to admit to my mental state to those who are safe, in program and out - only then do I escape the isolation of hidden worry and stress. Fighting the truth of where I'm at doesn't work - acceptance does. I'm not alone; I have a partner who loves me, friends who love me, dogs who love me, a Higher Power who loves me - these are my life gifts, and I treasure them all.

A Question.

A reader asked for my interpretation of this quote:

"The difference between my will and God's will is that my will starts out easy and gets hard, and God's will starts out hard and gets easy."

It's always easier to do what I want to do, but the consequences are often not pleasant - in contrast, it may feel incredibly difficult to accept my Higher Power's will for me, but when I do, the consequences will be positive, in ways I cannot imagine.

A good example of this, is making amends to my alcoholic - I have a hard time with this on occasion, because I'm offering my throat to the wolf - who, also on occasion, cannot resist taking a bite. When the wolf's canines are menacing one's carotid arteries, it's easy to lose sight of the end result (becoming a better person) of the action (making amends) and instead, give oneself over to fear (he's going to bite down!) and anger (what kind of fool am I, walking up to the wolf, and offering my throat, what am I, crazy?) It's not easy, keeping in mind that that I'm doing this because experience has taught me that not only is it the "right thing" to make amends, but that I grow and learn when I do this.

My  wolf   alcoholic is in early recovery, and old habits die hard. Some days, the urge to be right, to take advantage, to play those alcoholic head games, appears to triumph; those days, my making an amend to this person appears to trigger a meanness that the alcoholic chooses not to resist.

If I were follow my will, knowing that this resultant unpleasantness is a possibility, probably would stop me from making those amends which are so important for me to make, because they teach me humility and honesty and willingness. It would be a lot easier at that particular moment in time, but I'd be marching in place, and that gets very hard after a while. Watching others moving forward, while I put ever more effort into not moving?  That's hard.

When I follow God's will, and use the realisations he gives me, it can feel like pushing a tractor-trailer uphill on a hand cart - the very definition of impossible - but once I do get that sucker up the hill, it's a free coasting ride down the other side. (Until I reach the next hill, of course, then it's work, work, work, again.)

How Do I Usually React When I Feel Frightened?

That's a question from the "Fear" section in Blueprint for Progress, the workbook for Al-Anon's Fourth Step.

When I feel frightened, I become angry. This was a mystery to me for a long time; I couldn't comprehend why when I felt afraid, I would flip over into an anger so fierce, my heartrate rocketed, and my entire body trembled.

In one spiritual awakening, I saw the answer with a stark clarity: fear feels weak, anger feels strong. In childhood, fear was a constant companion. Fear of loss, fear of abandonment, fear of battering and abuse, fear of shaming and humiliation. These were very real fears, because that pretty much describes my life up to about 16, when I went out on my own.

I was thinking yesterday, about what a program friend calls, "the stories we tell ourselves." My stories before Al-Anon, all revolved around pain, fear, loss, shame. I was, I now understand, an unremittingly negative person. I learned early in life that it was better not to hope. I was trapped by circumstance and other people's decisions for me; I shut myself down, and endured, until I could escape.

Endured until I could escape: this set a pattern in my life, of always looking to a mythical future, when I could get out, get away, disappear, escape. I can still find myself falling into this default mode, when I'm under stress/not paying attention/not working my program.

In that mindset, I feel martyred, alone, trapped. I don't feel able to affect change; I'm merely enduring until I can escape. It's a coping mechanism that may have served me well as a small child, but now interferes with my recovery. When I'm in that place inside my head, I'm shut down. I'm not willing or able to take a different viewpoint, I'm just putting up with it, until I can find a break in the fence, and make a mad dash for freedom.

In Al-Anon, I have learned that feelings are not facts. Yes, I feel whatever I feel, but I have a choice as to what connotations or interpretations I attach to those feelings. I do not have to view them with the old filter, which only shows two options - endure, or escape. I can view them through an Al-Anon filter, which not only opens up a sightline of many choices, but also reveals how feeling trapped is a choice I make, when I am fearful.

Feeling trapped is a slithering away from my own responsibilities for where I am, and how I deal with life. Feeling trapped is a blaming of others for my pain, a way to keep an uneasy distance, from an intimacy which may feel threatening, only because I haven't come this way before - it's a further pushing forward of my personal frontiers.

When I'm frightened, I tend to flip over into anger. If I work my program I will stop to examine my anger when it arises, to eliminate the possibility that it's a response to having my boundaries violated. If that's not happening, then I need to look around to see: where am I fearful?

I'm going to a lot more meetings per week in the last while, and it's an amazing coincidence how doing so has affected my program. I'd been feeling very stuck; now, I'm like an old car with a faulty choke, I may be juttering and banging and lurching along, but hey, I'm moving forward, and I'm feeling my serenity flowing back to warm not only me, but all around me.

I sat here this morning, with my little dog making contented noises, as she had a little slurp on my shirtsleeve, (our vet says this can happen when puppies are weaned at too young an age - it can leave them with an apparently lifelong urge to nurse; eating a meal triggers this, and if she's cuddling with me after eating, she will either fasten upon my knuckle, which makes typing impossible, or refused that, my sleeve.) and felt a rush of gratitude, for all of those who show up at meetings, and speak their truth, and for all who blog, and do the same. 
Keep coming back, it works.

June Bugs.

Our little male dog is pure black, and likes to do a silly thing - he lies down on the floor, rolls over belly up, and then bicycles madly with all four legs, while making grunting snarfling noises. He reminds me of a June bug trying to right itself. He was doing it the other day, and we were laughing at him. My favourite part, is when he all at once rolls over and springs to his feet, then looks around as if surprised to find himself still in the same spot.

I said to my spouse, "You don't get nearly as far, when you're running while upside down."

I've been thinking about that again this morning. I spent a fair bit of my life running while upside down - lots of noise and fuss and movement, no real progress.

I had a major realisation about the way I deal with conflict in relationships. earlier this year, and it seems as though my Higher Power is giving me the same lesson time and again, to make sure I learn it in the way I need to - so that it becomes second nature, in the way my people-pleasing has been second nature.

It felt quite intimidating the first time I tried out new behavior, and is still a little scary, but I'm gradually seeing that it was my unwillingness to face the fear of standing my ground that caused me so much trouble.

I can deal with the conflict, and survive. What I can no longer deal with, is the consequences of the old behavior.

From the ODAT:

"What's the Big Idea in Al-Anon? What's behind these assurances that I do have the power to improve the shape and texture of my life?
It is this: Look to yourself."

Relationship Confusion.

Syd wrote an excellent two-part post about relationships in the last couple of days.

One of my major confusions in friendships, is deciding how to speak up when I don't like something a friend has said or done. Over my lifetime, I've lost a few friendships, when I've finally reached a limit and said "I didn't like when you..." I think that contributes to my hesitation in setting or maintaining boundaries; I'm afraid that even my small, tempered boundary setting will be taken with such offense that I'll lose the friendship.

What do I do when a friend continues to do, that which I've asked them to not do? Well, how important is it? There will be minor irritations which allow me to practise being more tolerant and accepting, and larger trespasses which feel like disregard or disrespect.

How do I distinguish between the two? There will be days when the former feel like the latter, because I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I've learned to give myself time to reason this out, but with a limit. I like to wait until I'm in an excellent mood, and then consider the problem, because that's when I'm at my most tolerant.
I reason it out with my sponsor, because she has the ability to  pick out the one vital element in the relationship, and ask me to discuss that aspect, and how or why it works in the way it does, and whether it is respectful or dismissive.

My first sponsor asked me a question about my friendships that opened up an entirely new line of thinking: "How do you usually feel, after an encounter with a friend?"

It may sound silly now, but up until she asked me that, it hadn't ever occurred to me that if I felt unhappy, frustrated, irritated, annoyed or negated, dismissed, any of those feelings, perhaps the friendship wasn't a good fit for me. I had grown to adulthood with those feelings being the major part of the relationships described to me as "loving," so why would I think differently?

I've used that question ever since, and it has made it possible for me to work my way through the murk and fog of my own denial, to realise that when I feel those things after being with someone, I'm doing both of us a disservice. I don't want any more passive aggressive friendships, in which I'm often feeling as though I'm in the wrong, for a reason unexpressed.

I don't have to keep contact going, because of time spent together in the past, that't not a good enough reason. I have friends from whom, after a few hours in their company, I take my leave with  a full heart. We delight each other. That's what I'm aiming towards, more of those - I deserve it.