The Many Facets of Fear.

When I was in my early twenties, I began to have panic attacks - my heart would feel like it was going to pound right out of my chest, my entire body would shake, and, utterly transfixed by fear and an overwhelming claustrophobia, my singleminded focus was: get outside now!

I would walk out of the grocery store, leaving a full cart: pull over to the side of the road and get out of the car: be found out on the back porch/in the yard/walking my dog, no matter what the weather, or time of day.

I will be forever grateful to an emergency room intern, who, after listening to my heart, showed me how to calm myself through the use of shallow, slow breathing, and affirmations that this was just an anxiety attack, I wasn't going to keel over, I was fine. I learned to talk myself down.

I learned that anxiety attacks follow a pattern - once we've had one, we then worry that we'll have another,  and we become afraid of feeling afraid.

This intern explained to me that with the initial feeling of anxiety in a panic attack, comes a physical response - a little spurt of adrenalin, which causes our heart rate and breathing to speed up, our senses to sharpen, our hands to shake, perhaps we get a feeling of nausea. We then think, "Oh NO! I'm having an anxiety attack!" and then we get a big dump of adrenalin into our system, and the full flight-or-fight response kicks in, rational thought falls by the wayside, and we are in full panic mode.

I learned to head off physical panic attacks, but it wasn't until Al-Anon that I gained any control over my mental panic attacks - the gerbil wheel of obsessive worry and awfulising. I learned to deal with these quite effectively, most times.

Until menopause, and insomnia. When I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, not only is it difficult not to worry and obsess, but my sleep debt begins to negatively affect my daytime mental state, and I become far more likely to do that same worrying and obsessing during my waking hours.

I've had a bad few days with this, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to get out of the hand-dug pit. I've read program literature, prayed, reasoned things out with someone else, prayed, practised thought-stopping, all of my usual ways of dealing with worry, and the moment I've relaxed my guard, I will find myself right back into it, full-bore.  I'm feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.

No wisdom today, apart from the knowledge that if I keep working my program, this too shall pass. I'm reminding myself to be grateful for the blessings in my life, and not to give this difficult period too much weight. When I wake up in the wee small hours, I read; this occupies my mind enough that I can't imagine various scenarios, all negative, with which to torment myself. When I become sleepy again, I say the Serenity Prayer, or pray to be granted sleep. I'm listening to a lot of program speaker tapes during the day, and going to as many meetings as I can.

I also find it's important for me to admit to my mental state to those who are safe, in program and out - only then do I escape the isolation of hidden worry and stress. Fighting the truth of where I'm at doesn't work - acceptance does. I'm not alone; I have a partner who loves me, friends who love me, dogs who love me, a Higher Power who loves me - these are my life gifts, and I treasure them all.