Getting My Own Way.

From "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" page 155:

"A program of self-recognition and self-change "reads easy and does hard."

I spoke with a sponsee yesterday, and she mentioned how difficult it is to work our program, because of the challenge of being honest with ourselves. Honesty with self is a necessity and a prerequisite, if we are to get anywhere in this journey to wholeness and serenity, but the very human difficulty in seeing ourselves with any level of perceptibility means that we will invariably reach a point of being stuck, and unable to progress.

When that point is reached, I've learned not to tell myself stories about what I'm doing, but instead realise that I've gone as far as I can with objective clarity, and when I can't get any further, ask for input from my sponsor and other program friends. I need to choose people who won't reassure me with people-pleasing, but will instead be direct and if necessary, blunt, in their take on my situation.

I don't offend easily anymore, and when I ask for help, I'm willing to hear whatever that person has to say. I don't have to agree, and I don't have to like it. But respect and experience has taught me to listen and give the words the weight they deserve. I've asked for them, this person has taken the time and effort to give me their take on it; I need to sit quietly and listen, and perhaps I'll need to sit in the feelings stirred up by their reply, if the issue is a particularly thorny one.

I've learned over the years to recognise a certain type of irritated feeling which will rise in my chest as a desire to defend, argue, or debate. Nowadays, when I feel that particular feeling, I know to pay close attention to what is being said to me, because I've learned that I only ever get that feeling when I'm hearing the truth about myself. The truth resonates with a power that something which doesn't apply can't reach. So I know to "sit down, shut up, and pay attention." Don't sit with a smile on my face, while arguing internally, don't ignore what's being said in favour of my own take, don't let this chance to learn pass by unremarked.

Other people are a conduit for our Higher Power, respect them!

Don't Fear The Inventory - It's A Gift.

Many of us struggle with the idea of examining our character in depth - what horrors might we encounter, down there in the muck and mire of our crazed thinking? When we've been raised in families of dysfunction, we can have a self-image fragile and wobbly; I know I was afraid that I'd find out even worse things about myself than I thought I "knew" already.

What I discovered, was that much of my shame and guilt were assigned, and not deserved: that I had coping mechanisms which got in the way of my having a peaceful and serene life: that I was worthy of love simply for the fact of my existence - I didn't have to "earn" love.

Once I had a reasonable idea of my character, and my presumptions, conclusions, projections and assumptions, many of which I'd been unaware, prior to my first Step Four, my real self-improvement could begin. Without the inventory, I was a woman with no sense of direction, trying to find true north. Before Al-Anon, my deficits infuriated and distressed me, because they seemed to prove my unworthiness. In program I learned that I'm not unworthy, and that my mistakes, if I allow it, can be instructive.

Last night I was gathering the waistband of a dress I'm making, and laughed to realise that I was trying to get the gathers exactly perfectly distributed - unaware, I fall easily back into that lunatic perfectionism first acquired, when shame was a constant companion. I catch myself, because I know now how I operate, and I recognise my patterns of thought.

I know that when I have a sense of irritation rising in my chest as someone gives me feedback about myself, it's because I'm feeling defensive. I only feel defensive when I'm hearing the truth - so now, when I feel that irritation rising in that situation, I take a few deep breaths, and pay attention. My Higher Power is using this person as a conduit to teach me.

I do not have to like the lesson.

I don't float about my life, never feeling sad or bad or pissed right off - life is the way it always was, it's my response which has changed. It's the changed response which leads to serenity and peace.

The only way to a changed response, is to find out what my original response was, and why I had it - for that, I needed and still need, Step Four. I'm not afraid of myself anymore. I can be frustrated with my inability to grasp a message, but even that has paled and faded over time. I ruefully accept that I can be a very slow learner when I'm not thrilled with the reality of "It is what it is" and I can joke of this to my program friends, who will laugh with me, and give examples of their own dragging heels.

Some of the best laughing fits I've ever had, have happened while discussing character defects.

Pray for courage, and plunge into Step Four. Trust long-timers. when we tell you that you will be glad you did. Some things you just have to take on faith - this may be one.

Fighting Other People's Character Defects....

...instead of our own, is the way to ensure that we will continue to live in frustrated despondency, for years to come.

Sound bleak? That's the outcome to which we sentence ourselves, when we are unwilling to examine our own characters. We can take another person's inventory,  itemise each time they trespass against us, decency and the world, but at the end of our (probably extensive) list, we will be no further ahead.

I can't change other people.
I can't manipulate them into changing, I can't talk them into changing; they are beyond my control. That leaves me with myself. Before I can be willing to attempt change in myself, I need to discover the ways in which I have gone wrong. This is what the Fourth Step is all about - figuring out what motivates us, and why we do the things we do.

If I cannot or will not accept that I too, have made mistakes, chosen to behave badly instead of well in some instances, then I'm not being honest with myself, and that lack of honesty will continue to trip me up. It may be satisfying to enumerate another person's character defects when we're annoyed, hurt, or frustrated, but where does that get me? My experience has been that whatever I concentrate upon tends to intensify - if I focus upon another person's character defects, soon that's all I can see or hear when I'm in or out of their company - what's wrong with them.

Meanwhile, I can be excusing the selfsame behavior on my part, by giving it a different label, or pretending that I'm not really doing what I'm doing, no, I'm doing something else completely, see?

I once heard an AA speaker, say something which has stayed with me:"You know how to distinguish mature people from those who are just adult? By their willingness to admit, make amends, and work for change."

I pray for maturity.

"I've Decided Not To Go Tonight, Because ..."

I like to say this to my spouse, who will make noises of agreement and support, knowing full well that all I'm doing, is giving myself permission not to go to my meeting, on nights when it's hard to pull myself out the door. This doesn't mean I'm staying home; it's being said in the minute before I haul myself to my feet, and walk down the hall, to go get ready.

This may sound silly, but it works for me. In doing Step Four: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves," I've discovered that I have a secretly rebellious streak. Just let me get the idea that I'm being expected to do whatever it is, and that (childish) part of me will begin to mutter darkly in the background, insisting that I don't have to do anything I don't want to, and nobody can make me do anything, and all manner of variations on that theme.

I've learned that rather than argue with my sulking inner child, it's much better to just agree with her, and continue along my adult path. (Do I sound as though I've got multiple personalities, here? Just an analogy - no actual voices arguing inside my head.)

I've learned that if I give myself permission to not do whatever it is that my rebellious streak is up in arms about, whether that be my yoga exercises, walking the dogs in the rain, cleaning the bathroom, or going to a meeting, I can sidestep all that mulishness.

MrSponsorPants has a good post today about making sure that we are listening to others, and truly hearing them. I've discovered through working my program, that I need to do this for myself, as well. I cannot ride roughshod over myself, insisting that my responsibilites require that I ____, and if I were truly mature I would ____, and I am bloody well going to do ____, whether I like it or not. This may work for some, this taking of self firmly in hand, but it often will not work for me.
It sets me up for failure, because the rebellious part of my nature will begin to place roadblocks in my path, trip me up time and again, anything to assert my independence, no matter how self-defeating the result.

I think of the years I spent pre-Al-Anon, trying and failing to force change upon myself, and in the process, waging an internal war. I recall how confused I was about my own behavior; I didn't know myself. I didn't understand that the abuse in childhood, had robbed me of my ability to feel as if I had any rights at all in life, so when I reached adulthood, all I had left to sustain me was my silently livid, internal rebellion.

I have learned that I need to listen to myself grumbling away: allow that part of me to feel heard: agree that yes, it is within my rights to not do this thing.  In the strange alchemy of self-willfullness, the moment I do this giving of permission, is the moment that the internal resistance melts away, and I can get up and go do it. Strange but true, and I'd never have figured this out, if I hadn't been willing to do a Step Four. And then another and another, as I work my way down through the levels of excavation of self.
I love this program, for all that it has given me, in so many areas of my life.

How's That Working For You?

Years ago, I had a friend who was crazy about Dr. Phil - she watched his show every day, and if I happened to drop by while it was on, I had to sit quietly, and not interrupt. (I used to do the mental equivalent of rolling my eyes and sighing heavily, not having reached a place in my life where I could be tolerant or accepting, of that which I didn't like.)

One day the show featured a guest, who was expounding upon the reasons for his harsh treatment of his family. Each time Dr. Phil would point out the limitations of his choices, the guest would "Yes, but..." him. Several of these interjections, and the guest was then allowed to continue without further interruption, rationalising and justifying himself and his choices. When the guest fell silent, Dr. Phil asked: "How's that working for you?"

It was fascinating to watch various expressions chase themselves across the face of this man, as he considered the question - he was dumbfounded. He sat in silence for a moment, then replied, "It isn't."

I've been that guest - rationalising, caught up in defending, explaining: quite unable to listen or see, until brought up short by someone else's wisdom. That's why I'm grateful for program: for the people who faithfully attend meetings, and share their experience, strength, and hope with me.

I'm beginning to suspect that my 4 th Step inventory this time around, is going to be one of the tidal wave kind - washing away all before it.

I've experienced a couple of these over the years I've been in Al-Anon, and they are a wild ride. The wave sweeps through, and then recedes. I climb down from the safety of my observation point and wander around - a little dazed and shaken, but otherwise unharmed. I see to my astonishment that my house of self has been lifted completely off its foundations, given a quarter-turn, and set back down. My line of sight has changed. It takes a bit of getting used to, but the new placement offers me a view previously obscured by the walls of my assumptions and beliefs.

If I am willing, accepting, and open to the process, I believe that I'll be graced with a leap forward in my personal growth -understanding, compassion, love.

Inventories.

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

This can seem a daunting prospect; it was for me. Apart from my rage and resentment towards the alcholic, and my belief that all roads led straight back to him and his drinking, was my hidden, secret fear that an inventory of myself would reveal horrors the like of which skirted my dreams at night.

I felt resentful at any suggestion that I wasn't perfect as is, that I might have a part in my own misery, that I needed to swivel my focus from the poor sodden drinker to the mirror, and take a good hard look at myself and my own behavior patterns.

I've learned to use resentment as a touchstone; when that's my predominant feeling in a situation, it's an excellent indicator that my own character defects are running at high tide. I don't become resentful unless I'm already feeling guilty. I'm not feeling guilty unless I know I'm behaving with less program than I could. (Not should, could. Al-Anon teaches us not to try changing our conduct through shaming and restrictions, but to choose better behavior as a path to enlightenment and serenity.)

There are no "musts" in Al-Anon; we are each given the room and the freedom to practise this program as much, or as little, as we see fit. No-one will sit at the table with us, take notes, and declare us wanting. We are part of the fellowship to whatever degree we choose. In the same way, we will have whatever relationship with whatever Higher Power we embrace.

I've had periods of great movement and change, when I've been driven by stong desire not to be that same unhappy person I once was, and I've had times where I've just been coasting on fumes. I try not to judge the one by the other, but to accept both as the natural ebb and flow, without fear. I'm moving forward steadily - I can see that when I glance back over my shoulder to see my last resting place. But I don't want to become complacent, or self-satisfied.

Regular inventories of myself keep me honest, and help me to understand my character, my choices, and my motives.

Too Much To Ask?

From the ODAT, page 272:

"We learn that an honest appraisal of ourselves will open the way to improvement and start us on the upward climb to sanity and serenity."

I like that, it's a shorthand description of Step Four, with all the fear and defensiveness removed. When I do an honest appraisal of myself, I aim for some objective vision as to my own character defects, and my character strengths. I don't do it so that I may fashion a new weapon with which to belabor myself in the middle of the night when I can't sleep - that's old behavior, and I work to let that fall away.

I don't do it so that I may feel superior to those who may struggle with that which comes easily to me - that was a way I comforted myself, when my self-image was so tattered and torn as to be no protection against the cold winds of life that we all face.

I do an honest appraisal of myself because I want change. I want what I see others have - serenity. An ability to ride life like a boat on choppy seas - rolling and pitching when the sea is heavy, but still on the surface, and still moving forward.

Step Four.

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

When I came into Al-Anon, I was skilled at taking the inventory of everyone around me: friends, strangers, coworkers, neighbours, casual acquaintances. I did not, however, turn that beam upon myself - I was too afraid to do so, for fear of the ugliness I might find there.

I was a vessel filled to the brim with a nasty soup of fear and shame. Just let anyone suggest that my motives were less than pure, or that my attitude was not the best it could be, and they'd be met with a storm of righteous indignation, and defensiveness.

I couldn't admit to my faults and frailties because I didn't have the awareness of my merits and virtues to balance them out. My first sponsor started me working Step Four by listing my positive character aspects first, and only. I tried for days, and would end up sitting with my pen, an empty sheet of paper, and my own mind completely stonewalling me.

Then one night at my home group meeting, the chair wanted to try an exercise - at the top of a piece of paper, we were to write: "I like (our name) because:" pass this to the person sitting to our left, and accept the page being passed from the person to our right. When our own page arrived back to us, having made the circuit of the group, we were instructed to fold it up, and read it later on at home.

I saw writing on my page, but hurriedly shoved it into my pocket, and when I arrived home, couldn't read it. I was too afraid. I called my sponsor, and asked if she would sit on the phone with me while I opened and read it. She quickly agreed. I unfolded that piece of paper, and slowly read what 11 women, who had known me for a couple of years at that point, had written about why they liked me. It was all positive. There were comments about my empathy, my kindness, my generosity, my sense of humour, my infectious laugh, my thoughtfulness.

I had tears streaming down my face as I read. It was such a hugely powerful exercise for me to read that others could so easily find these positive aspects of my character, when I could find none.

That was the lever that made it possible for me to begin to work Step Four.

Taking my inventory became less an exercise in fear and trembling, and more an archeological dig - a search for knowledge which would help me to understand myself, my motives, and how I operate. I'm comfortable with the idea that I have human faults and frailties, because I'm also comfortable with the idea that I have positive characteristics. The more often I take my own inventory, the less able I feel to take anyone else's.

Complete Honesty

From the ODAT, page 105:

"Knowing that only complete honesty will bring me to self-understanding, I pray that my Higher Power will help me guard against deceiving myself."

When I came into Al-Anon, I was very skilled at self-deception. I had a convoluted rationalisation for each of my behaviors, and all roads led back to the alcoholic. If only he would not do this, then I wouldn't need to do that.

Complete honesty can be excruciating, since it requires that we let go of our justifications for what we do, and admit that we are making choices.

For me, humour smooths the way. Life, and some of my own thinking, becomes funnier the longer I'm in 12-step. I've sat at meeting tables, spoken whatever was on my mind, (sometimes thinking it was quite meaningful,) and had the disconcerting response of everyone at the table bursting into laughter.

The first few times this happened, I was mortally offended. This must have been obvious to the other members, as some were quick to reassure me that they were laughing only because they too had experienced "that sort of insane thinking."

Insane thinking? (that was an idea whose time had come.) Until then, I hadn't ever considered that my thinking was anything but "normal" or "reasonable," it was the drinker who was insane. Al-Anon was offering me a message I wasn't certain I wanted to accept - that I was also bonkers, in my own way.

Complete honesty requires several things from me:

- acceptance of the likelihood that I can be/may be/am, mistaken in how I see a situation, or myself.
- willingness to at least entertain the idea, that doing it differently doesn't negate me as a person.
- belief that if I am honest, I open myself to the possibility of change, and with change, relief.

Looking back, I can say that complete honesty in my 4th steps, has allowed me to uncover aspects of my character which have made me cringe in shame and embarassment. I have also discovered things of which I can feel proud, and satisfied. It's a mixed bag. I want to be able to see all of myself, not just the latter.

Talking to program people about my own character defects, has given us some of the best laughing fits I've ever had in my life. That's a bonus I'd never have considered, when I started this recovery journey.

Why Is Step Four So Frightening?

Why do so many of us, when facing our first "searching and fearless moral inventory," find the mere idea unnerving? Why is the concept of looking clearly at ourselves, with no justifying, no rationalising, such a daunting prospect?

I heard at a meeting recently, "I'm afraid I'll find out I'm not a nice person."

Isn't that true for most of us? We're terrified that if we dig around within, we will find only rot - extensive decay, and things unrecognisable as human, with a stench powerful enough to peel wallpaper. (Reminds me of a bachelor friend, who, when asked what a questionable container in his fridge held, replied, "Don't throw that out, that's my science project! I'm growing blue fur.")

Aren't we terrified that our core beliefs in our own intrinsic lack of worth, will only be strengthened and proven, if we do a Step 4? Don't we carry a quiet terror that all the horrid verbal abuse heaped upon us over the years may be true, and that this will become evident to "ourselves, to God and to another human being" when we move further along in the process, to Step 5?

We may have been unkind, we may even have said or done that for which we now feel ashamed, but we aren't evil, and we won't find out that we aren't nice people. On the contrary, considering the fear and trembling with which many of us approached our first moral inventory, we come out the other side breathing a huge sigh of alleviation, laughing a bit in giddy relief.

We discover that we've been bound and triggered by our pasts; we've made choices we can now understand, worked against us. We've been impatient, we've been angry, we've been childish, we've been a myriad of character defects, but we've still been only human, with all the attendant human frailties.

Al-Anon is teaching us to love ourselves, in our entirety: not just the small acceptable pieces we are willing to display in the front parlour, where nobody sits, but also the ratty old pieces worn to a fade by years of overuse, on the back porch, where the dog sleeps.

What Are My Motives?

As "families and friends of alcoholics" we learn to become adept manipulators. We undertake to plan for all eventualities in the hopes of heading them off; we scheme and strive for control. Sneakily. Since most of us, on some inner level, realise that this manipulation is not an honest or forthright way to deal with other people, we drape it in long, involved rationalisations. We explain that we have only the alcoholic's best interests at heart, we are pure as the driven snow in that regard, and it simply makes sense for this to be this way, it isn't because we want it for ourselves, heavens no, we are selfless as a saint. We justifiy our own behavior with reasons multitudinous and inventive.

Most of us have become so hardened in these defensive positions, we are able to spout this chicanery, while wearing an expression of injured innocence. Rarely have I seen anyone leap to admit their own character defects - for most of us, it's a slow dawning, and we fight it every step of the way, whining in protest, and searching frantically for some other way out of the pit we have dug for ourselves.

When we do decide to face this reality, of our own controlling natures, it can be almost impossible to catch ourselves at it, because we've gotten so good at the rationalisations. How do we know when we are trying to control? I have two questions I ask of myself:

- What are my motives?
- What do I hope to accomplish by saying this?

Am I speaking in an attempt to exchange information, clarify my position, or state my feelings?

Or is this the first step in a circular maneuver, where I'm starting out at one side, and slowly working my way around to the other, pretending I'm only out for a casual stroll, all the while with a fixed destination in mind?

Examining my motives has become easier over the years, as I've seen the positive results of working my program this way. Newcomers may have to take this one on faith for a time, because human nature seems to be such, that we are far more skilled at self-deception, than honest self-examination.

That is why we are encouraged to get a sponsor, and to "reason things out with someone else." It's always easier to see where the other person is kidding themselves - our own rationalisations are things of beauty to our ears.

Step Four - And The Point Of This Is?

Step Four: Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.

Those of us who have had our lives ravaged by someone else's drinking, are often very well defended emotionally. We have so many ways of deflecting, denying, and avoiding, that the road to our internal self is akin to a luxury car commercial - great swooping turns, it's always moonlight, and it's a "professional driver on a closed course."

Step Four is about setting off down that road in daylight, for a change, and with a companion - our sponsor.

We come into our first meetings with so much resistance accumulated, our minds slam shut like clapping hands, the minute any suggestion is made that we bear any responsibility for our own misery. I was fine, thankyou very much, just tell me how to make the drinker stop drinking, and I'm outta here.

I heard this nonsense about taking my own inventory with disbelief - what did that have to do with making the drinker quit?
I can take no credit for my initial learning on this step, it happened in spite of me. I was lucky enough to have a sponsor who could dodge around the end of my barricades like one of those cars at a railway crossing, plant herself in the middle of the road, and hold up a sign reading, "Realisation Ahead - Slow down! Pay attention!"

That woman offended my pride so many times, I lost count after a while. But something in me hungered for change and growth, and also, she made me laugh so hard at myself, I'd be sitting at her kitchen table clutching my stomach and barely able to talk.
I slowly learned that I could use Step 4 as leverage to open my own defenses enough to slip inside, and walk around, picking up the odd wierd-looking thing, and saying "Oh. Oh my. Well, isn't that strange. Hmm. I didn't know this was in here, that's for sure. What is that?" Having my sponsor beside me on these initial forays, kept me feeling safe, ordinary, and only human.
I learned that I wouldn't vanish in a puff of smoke if I said "I was in the wrong."

I learned that the more I discovered about my own mental workings, the easier it became for me to effect change in my life.
I learned that the more I understood myself, the more compassion and understanding I felt for all of humanity, alcoholics included.
I learned that I had reached my early thirties without ever having matured in many areas of my personality - in some areas, I was still stamping my foot and screaming "No! No! NO! It's not fair!"
And it wasn't fair, and it still isn't fair, but "fair" is a fantasy in life. Fair is for sports, and portion sizes at the dinner table; anywhere else in life, if we are insisting on "fair" before we will accept it, we will go to our deathbed resisting.

Step Four felt so strange when I started trying to practise it, and has become of one of my favourite steps over the years. (Favourite doesn't mean I love it at all times, there have been plenty of times I've cursed it with great heat and inventiveness. Favourite means I see the value, and treasure the outcome - the process, not so much some days.)
Step Four I had to take on trust, from those in my meetings who personified the change I was so desperate to achieve.