Hair, and Sponsors.

I've always found it fascinating, the amount of money and time that our culture devotes to telling us about how our hair can be softer, bouncier, lighter, carefree, sophisticated, playful....the list is as endless as the advertisements.

I've had hair down to my butt, and I've had hair an inch long, and now I have hair about 1/8" of an inch. It was starting to fall out just a few at a time, 10 here, another 10 or so there, so I went and had my head shaved.

My sponsor and I went wig shopping last week, and found a wig which looks very much the way my own hair does. Dark brown with a bit of grey through it. Wigs have come a long way in terms of looking natural, even when they are 100 acrylic. My sponsor and I had a great time in the wig shop, trying on Dolly Parton look-alikes, and all sorts of strange colors and styles, and laughing ourselves silly. We even got the saleslady into it after a while, she was picking out some hilarious styles for me to try and then the three of us would stagger around the shop in giggling fits, with the saleslady never getting past saying more than a gentle, "Oh dear, I think that's not you!" while my sponsor was more upfront,  at one point making me howl by saying firmly, "That's hurting my eyes, you need to take that one off."

I went wig shopping with my sponsor because I knew it would be fun with her. I'm not terribly broken up by my hair loss, I don't love it, but I'd rather laugh than cry, since it's part and parcel of the chemo I'm getting. By shaving my head early into the process, I gained a little control, and that felt good.

Wig-shopping with my sponsor was a pleasure. I feel completely safe with her, I can relax completely, say exactly what I'm thinking, and get good honest loving feedback. And lots of laughs. Just thinking about her brings a smile to my face; she's great fun, and excellent company. My first sponsor down here was wonderful while we were in that relationship, and I feel a heartfelt gratitude for all of the help and support she gave to me, and now we are friends, and talk on the phone once in a while. We've talked about what happened, she's apologised, and I hold no grudge or bad feelings about it, but it did affect my ability to trust her, and it was time for a new sponsor. So it goes.

I was just incredibly lucky enough to know someone who I wanted to be my new sponsor, and she accepted. A good sponsor is a friend, a confidante, and for those of us who are long-time members of this program, a lovingly honest reality check. I can write her an email about exactly what's going through my head, and she will hear me, validate my feelings, then offer her ideas. And because I love and respect and admire her, I'm completely openminded to the way she sees it. Already, in the short time we've been sponsor-sponsee, she's been a comfort and a help in ways too many to enumerate.

A sponsor is a gift we give to ourselves in this marvellous program.

"...Tried To Carry This Message To Others..."

There is only so much of me to go around. When I left my ex, I changed my cell phone number, and when he somehow obtained it and began to call me, rather than get a new cell phone number, I chose to get a landline. When I leave home, and anyone calls me, they get voicemail, and the next time I'm back at home, I return the call. It's not possible to reach me at every hour of the day or night by telephone. There's a certain glorious feeling of freedom when I'm with my sweetheart at his place, and I know that no-one can get in touch with me. For the same reason, I don't take my laptop to his place, because emails can wait for a reply, also.

Some of my sponsees are chained to their phones, and find it irritating in the extreme that I am not instantly and always available. I understand this, but I've learned over my years of sponsoring that I'm not indispensable to anyone - it can actually be helpful to a sponsee  to not be able to reach me, and as a result, for them to choose to call another program member for support. It's not healthy for me, or for them, if they consider me their sole source of support. I like us to have a weekly meeting for working through the Steps together, and I will take whichever calls I am able, when I'm at home. When I'm out, I'm free of any feelings of responsibility for, or to, my sponsees. I give what I can, and that's enough.

This blog is another way I practise Step 12 in my program. Some periods of my life, I write on an almost daily basis, other times, not so often, but I do what I can, and try to discipline myself, without
turning it into a millstone around my neck. I will now and then receive a thank you letter from a reader which will bring a lump to my throat, because their words take me back to the time when I was new to this wonderful program, and just beginning my journey to recovery. I am powerfully grateful to my Higher Power for the love, acceptance and joy I have been given in my life, and for the ability to be of some use.

I can only do what I can do, and lately, my sweetheart has been getting the lion's share of my free time. It's still new and still amazing to me that we can get along in such peaceful serenity, livened by dashes of humour, and sprinkled with grace.

I hope that you are having a calm and satisfying weekend. 

Question: Finding A Sponsor.

Craig asked: "In my area, there aren't very many men in the program, almost none still married to an active alcoholic. It's hard to find a sponsor and work the steps. I don't know what to do other than to pray to God for help. Any thoughts?"

Al-Anon's official site on the page entitled "How Al-Anon works for me" has an interesting quote down at the bottom of the page:

"Newcomers to Al-Anon are often interested in learning from members whose personal situations most closely resemble theirs. After attending Al Anon meetings, they begin to understand how much they have in common with everyone affected by someone else’s drinking, regardless of the specific details of their personal situation."

I don't need a sponsor whose personal situation mirrors mine, in order to find good help, support, and guidance in working the program. I might find that someone with whom I appear to share no life experience is the one person who consistently says what I most need to hear.

Finding a sponsor is not like picking a friend, (although most of us go on to become incredibly close friends with our sponsors over time.)  A sponsor is there to help us learn and use the Al-Anon program. We don't need to feel that spark of personal interest right off the bat which makes us want to pursue a friendship. We don't even have to like the person. I've sponsored people I wouldn't have chosen as a friend, and they've turned into friends. Choose people who have knowledge about working the 12 Steps, and whose life is calm and serene. I suggest that newcomers ask someone who has been in Al-Anon for a while, has worked the 12 Steps themselves, and has a sponsor with whom they consult on a regular basis.

You might find this interesting reading, also from the official site: forum-magazines-stories

Try asking the men you see at meetings, even if you think you have nothing in common with them, to sponsor you, and if they are unavailable, then you could ask a woman to be your interim sponsor until you can find a male sponsor. I think it's acceptable for a man to have a woman sponsor, as long as you have firm boundaries established right from the start - you both need to be comfortable with the relationship.  Perhaps you could ask one of the older women who has been in Al-Anon for quite some time, and that might make it more comfortable than working with a woman your own age.

Good luck, and please let me know how it goes.

A Question About Recognising Unhealthy People.

"Somebody asked me to be their sponsor, but I'm not sure I want to. They never get to a meeting on time -usually they come in half-way through. They talk for twenty minutes, or talk 2 or 3 times. They never talk on topic. They're always in a crisis. They're not very good friends with another person I sponsor, and there's a lot of drama going on there. Is it okay to say no when someone asks me to sponsor them?"
------------------------------

Yes, absolutely. I wouldn't sponsor someone who won't come to a meeting before it's half over.

I'm not going to speculate about what that may or may not indicate about the person who's always late, because this isn't the place and I don't think it matters - the motives behind the actions may be completely obscure to the person themselves. Dealing with only the result of the choices, the following is happening:


The meeting, and whoever may be speaking when this late person arrives, is interrupted. They avoid sitting in silence, listening to the readings common to the opening of an Al-Anon meeting - the greeting, Preamble to the Steps, the Steps, Traditions, 3 Obstacles to Success.

They "hijack the meeting"  by ignoring the topic and speaking instead of the (most recent) crisis in their lives. They talk for so long that they leave little or no time for the other people who might like an opportunity to share.

An AA friend would describe behavior of this sort as: "There's a lot of "me-me-me!" going on.." 

I think most of us could be described as self-absorbed when we come into program, because we're so caught up in our own problems that they "fill the screen." Even that being so, most people are still able to detach for the sake of politeness and offer courtesy and some space to other people in a social setting. If someone won't do this even in an Al-Anon meeting, which is grounded on giving each person room and space - well, I said I wouldn't go there, so I won't. Suffice it to say that if asked to sponsor someone who is always coming into meetings half an hour late, I might reply that I would be happy to do so, after they'd shown me that they could be on time to a meeting, and once there, respectful to the other members, for a period of 3 months.

I consider sponsorship to require a serious committment of time and energy on my part, and after this many years doing it, I have a good idea of my own limitations. I know that I don't want to work with someone who is  disrespectful of both program, and the other members of the group.  I don't want to embark upon a caretaking relationship thinly disguised as sponsor-sponsee. I can't make someone want to change. I can't love someone into wanting to change. I don't want to work with someone who is more interested in acquiring another spectator for the drama of their lives, than in working their program - I've made all these mistakes in sponsorship, and learned the difficult lessons therein.  Hope this helps.

Celebrations

Last night we attended a celebration at the local John Howard Society's treatment and recovery house for men. One of my husband's sponsees is going through the program there, and he'd invited us to join him as his "family" because his birth family lives far away. This man has been in and out of treatment many times, and as the saying goes, "around AA" for a lot of years, but this time, something has changed. We had a few moments quiet conversation amidst the noise of happy chatter and laughter, when my husband went to speak to another friend. I could sense the difference in this man; his restlessness has gone, and so has the sarcastic and critical facade - he's found serenity.
Later, we all gathered in the main room and sat in peaceful communion, while the men in the house stood up one by one, and spoke of what it meant for them to be in recovery, to be clean and sober at this time of year, to have their family there to celebrate with them.  Many had to stop and swallow several times to regain their ability to speak, because their gratitude brought such a powerful wave of emotion. (I'm hopelessly emotional in these gatherings, and used to try to be circumspect about wiping the tears from my eyes - I gave that up years ago. I know I'm going to weep throughout, and I accept that as just the way it is.)

When my husband's sponsee stood up to speak, I glanced at my husband beside me - his eyes, too, were full of tears. He loves this man the way he loves them all, wholeheartedly, with no judgement or reservation, through their disbelief, their anger, their frustration and despair - no matter what is going on for them. He's a rock of calm to which they can cling, he makes them laugh, and because he is an alcoholic himself, he heads them off at every attempt to justify or rationalise.

One sponsee came up to me last night and said laughingly that he finally had to start working the program because my husband was the first guy in AA he'd ever met who was just that tiny bit more stubborn than he was himself. He said to me, "He wore me down!" I hugged him and replied, "Oh bullshit, _____, you wore yourself down, he just kept you company while you had at it."

He grinned at me, and said, "I forgot - you've been in Al-Anon since I was 10."

I love these 12-Step celebrations; for days afterwards, I find myself remembering, and smiling.

Thoughts about Sponsorship.

To sponsees:

A sponsor isn't doing their job if they aren't irritating you on a regular basis. This might be because they're harping at you about getting together to work the Steps for your first time, or it might be because they insist upon pointing out certain annoying facts, such as, "Isn't that the twelfth job you've had this year?"

Don't pick a sponsor who reminds you of a family member. Ditto for accepting a sponsee. I did that once, and found myself gritting my teeth when she'd use the same phrases which made steam erupt from my ears when I heard them issuing from the alcholic's lips.  It's good to have a little detachment in this relationship.

Be willing to listen, if you want to learn. Allow yourself to be teachable.

To sponsors:

Remember how afraid you were, when you were very new. Be as kind and loving as you are able - dish out love in great heaping armfuls. Be willing to repeat yourself endlessly without getting angry if the message isn't getting through - it took you a while, didn't it? Make them laugh. Laughter helped me to swallow some difficult realisations about myself, when I was working with my first sponsor.

Pray to be a conduit for their Higher Power. Read the books so you can say, "Courage to Change has a great reading on that," and find it to show them. They're going to need that reading some night when it's too late to call anyone, and they can't find their way alone.

Open yourself to the wisdom of humility.

Sponsorship Is A Spiritual Gift To The Sponsor.

One of the greatest gifts I have received through being a sponsor in Al-Anon, is seeing the people with whom I work, grow in their love of self. As the old confused thinking, and automatic assumptions about themselves, are scraped away through the practise of this wonderful program, the self beneath begins to emerge, with the beauty and dignity that is the human spirit.

Perhaps we've been assigned roles in our dysfunctional families, which we've accepted as -  just the truth - never questioned. I find it awe-inspiring, to work with a person who has accepted this kind of family labelling, (and felt great personal shame about it,) and watch them begin, through working Step Four, to discover that it's not the truth, it's a convenient fiction which made it possible for the family to keep limping along in the same unhealthy groove. When a sponsee is granted that kind of realisation, it changes the way they see themselves, and with the dropping away of shame, comes a new peace and serenity. When I watch a sponsee working through the falling away of old shame, I gain a clearer picture of the ways in which shame kept me a prisoner, behind my public facade.

I love it when a sponsee begins to understand that they can't control anyone but themselves, and they can't change another person. With that realisation, they can drop the reins, because they realise that the darn things aren't, and were never, attached to the horse.

Letting go brings space and room to turn their attention to what they can change for the better - themselves, their own lives, their search for knowledge and understanding. Every time I share in their delight, it deepens my understanding of my own journey.

With each person I have sponsored in Al-Anon, I have gained a greater understanding of myself: how I think, what I fear, how I compensate and arrange, the ways in which I attempt to control, who I am when I'm alone with only my dogs and my Higher Power for company.

Your sponsor will benefit, just as you do, in your work together - that's one of the miracles of 12-Step. When you ask someone to be your sponsor, you aren't being a bother, you aren't intruding upon their time; you are offering them a great spiritual gift - try to keep that in mind, if you are feeling anxious or worried about asking.

"I Feel Like My Sponsor Judges Me."

"My sponsor moved, so I had to find a new one. I thought I'd picked well, but when I try to talk to this person to "reason things out" I feel like I'm being hurried along, and I feel like my sponsor judges me for still having problems, when I'm not a newcomer."

Choosing, and working with, a sponsor, is an important part of recovery in Al-Anon. It's vital that we feel accepted as we are right this minute, with no judgement of how we should be/could be/might be/ought to be, or any variation thereof.

I, too, have been in this same position, of having chosen as a sponsor, someone with whom I was not a good "fit." I'd call my sponsor, try to talk about whatever it was that was on my mind, and either receive the same pat answer every time, which wasn't at all helpful to me, or, (as the person writing to me does,) I'd feel judged and found wanting, in some subtle, unspoken way.

CAUTION: I'm going to make one of those blanket statements we aren't supposed to make in Al-Anon. Make of it what you will, it is purely my opinion, and, as my grandfather used to snort dismissively, when exposed to "Free!" offers, "worth what you paid for it." Ready? Ok, here we go:

If you feel judged by your sponsor, you need a different sponsor.

Perhaps I feel strongly about this, as a result of having experienced it myself, and in hindsight, understanding how this negatively affected my ability to work an honest program. Because I felt judged and found wanting, I began to edit my ideas and feelings when I talked to this person, so as to appear more "recovered" and "healthy." Only problem was, those weren't my true ideas and feelings, so I was pretending to be someone I wasn't, in my encounters with her.

I presented her with a facade, rather than the real me. This caused me to slowly begin to feel distanced from Al-Anon. My co-dependent thinking began to assure me that if my sponsor judged me, and she was supposed to be the most forgiving and accepting person in my program, then so must everyone else in my meeting, and my feelings of safety and comfort in the program began to seep away. I still attended meetings, but I talked less and less, because I was fearful of being judged, and instead of listening to what was being shared at meetings, I was caught up in trying to decide who liked me, and who didn't, what they must think of me from what I'd already shared up to that point, yada yada yada.

I had worked myself around to quite a state of misery, by the time I received an invitation to dinner, from a woman in my home group. I went, and we chatted about this and that over the meal. As we relaxed in her livingroom after dinner, one of those natural pauses in the conversation was ended by her looking over at me, and saying in that crisp British voice, "Ok, kiddo, what's really up with you? And don't give me any of that "fine, fine" crap!"

To my horror and shame, I burst into tears. (I'm still not comfortable crying in front of other people, but back then, it was excruciating.) In the time it took us to drink one cup of coffee, I spilled my guts. I then sat and listened, while she gave me a short version of what she was struggling with at that very point in her life, and as she'd been in program for a long time, I listened carefully. I was astounded to discover that she wasn't perfectly serene, that she still had ups and downs and sideways jaunts, and that she was willing to admit to them.

We talked and talked and talked, and when the evening drew to a close, and we were hugging goodbye at the door, I mustered all of my nerve and asked her to sponsor me. She agreed, and I think of her as my "first" sponsor, because she's the first person with whom I truly began to work the program, and learn to live my life differently - with serenity and wisdom, and great lashings of humour.

She held my feet to the fire countless times, because she was a woman who understood human nature, and she knew that if she didn't, I'd weasle my way out through some loophole, and continue with my misery unabated. When we were first starting out, I took offense at what she said many times, but even so, never, never, did I feel as though she judged me. She was always willing and able to share with me, how her character defects operated in her own life - she didn't present herself as all cured, looking down on me, the lowly beginner.  She made a point of letting me know that in Al-Anon, we are all equals. Period. No experts.

Even as I'd be driving home feeling offended at some question she'd asked, on another level, the portion of my spirit that craved recovery, kept me going back to her, with my best attempt to answer her honestly. She helped set me on the path of honest self-examination, and for that, I will always be deeply grateful.

My Feelings Are Not The Alcoholic's Fault.

I was raised in a very blaming environment - I've written about that elsewhere so won't go into details again - suffice it to say that I promptly internalised this attitude as I moved out into the world.

It wasn't until I entered Al-Anon that I began to dimly perceive that perhaps there was another way to live - a way which didn't include the assignation of blame, before changes could be made.

When I detach, take a step back from the heat of my feelings, I can see that no-one makes me feel anything. They may do A, and then I may feel B, but the two things do not have to follow "as the night the day," if I'm working my program, and have a healthy amount of detachment operating at all times.

When I am blaming another person for the way I feel, the receiver of the line to my Higher Power, is off the hook. The connection is disengaged. I can't get through to Him, and He can't get through to me.

I asked someone to be my sponsor, and she accepted with delight. (Only in 12-Step would someone agree to accept long blathering phone calls detailing the minutae of another person's navel-gazing, and consider it an honor.)
I knew that I'd picked the right person for me, during the very first phone call I made to her.

I was wallowing in some feelings of being hard-done-by at the hands of my significant other, and she heard me out, then made a comment which at one time would have caused me serious offense, but due to the wonders of Al-Anon, and the personal growth I've achieved as a result, now made me burst out laughing.

As soon as I did, the self-pity vanished, and I was able to say to myself, "Okay, now let's get some helpful thinking done here."

I feel what I feel, and that's fine. Not only am I'm entitled to my feelings, but it's of vital importance that I recognise and identify them, because my feelings let me know what's going on, when my head can't quite grasp it yet, due to fatigue, manipulation, whatever.

So I allow my feelings. I give myself permission to feel them to the depth of the container (me) - I even agitate it a bit, through prayer, meditation, and reasoning things out with someone else, to make certain that I'm getting them all out. Then I have a choice about what I do next.

In program, I've learned that I cannot change another person. (If I can't make them wipe the crumbs off the counter, why would I imagine I could make them change their personality, or coping mechanisms?)

I can only change myself. I can choose to remain mired in my misery by railing against fate, the alcoholics in my life, and the wrongs they have done me, as I perceive it. Or, I can choose to do things differently this time, rather than go down that same tired old road. I can choose to see my feelings as an indicator that change is necessary, and work to bring that change about, by working the Steps of Al-Anon.

I can set boundaries, and be willing to maintain them, even when I'm in HALT, even when that little voice of unreason is murmuring, "Oh just this once, it doesn't matter, surely?"

That sneaky little voice is my disease of codependence speaking to me. When it starts up, I need to have a conversation with my sponsor, a program friend, and my Higher Power. I need to do the work required, if I want the result that's promised.

I feel what I feel, that's nobody's fault. I hated that idea when I was new in Al-Anon, because I had no idea how to manage if I wasn't blaming. I can still fall back into blaming if I'm not working my program, and maintaining my healthy boundaries.

It's easier to lie back, weep wail moan and blame, than it is to get myself up and go to a meeting. But I want what the meeting offers: experience, strength, hope, love, and a good laughing fit. I'm willing to let go of blaming, to gain what is only possible when I do so - serenity. Gratitude. I heard someone at a meeting say recently, that she cannot love herself, if she's caught up in hating the alcoholic. I need to hear that kind of powerful insight, those reminders, to keep me balanced, focussed and content.

Privacy, Or Secrecy, And Why Does It Matter?

Those of us who have been in 12-Step for many years have seen a lot of people come for a while, and then fade away - they just can't make it past their personal sticking point.

Mine was the point at which I had to put down the victim mode, and pick up that suit of personal responsibility, which appeared to weigh 16,000 pounds and be made of pure lead.

A crusty old-timer in AA once said at a meeting, that what he considered his privacy was actually his secrecy, and keeping it almost killed him. I asked how could one tell the difference? He replied that if my ego started shrieking at the idea of sharing whatever it was, that was a good indicator it was secrecy. If I could think about it calmly and clearly, it was most likely a privacy issue.

Which sounds good, unless you happen to be a person like me, who can rationalise almost anything, given a half-hour alone, and whose worst deceptions of self have presented as an excellent idea at the time.

This is where a sponsor comes in handy, readers! One can pick the type that has an instant readout (raised eyebrow, disbelieving expression) or the type that waits until one has finished speaking to respond with many ego-soothing euphemistic embellishments of the central idea of: "Are you bonkers?". I had the former for my first sponsor, and the latter for my second.

I am grateful for both, and looking for a new sponsor in this new place we are living. I'm not rushing into my choice, but neither am I allowing myself to follow a vague plan of "Eventually, I'll get a sponsor..." because my ego is a slippery dog, and if not kept firmly in check, can wreak havoc in my life, in her charges for freedom.

I need a sponsor to help me hold the leash.

Sponsorship.

This week I was approached to ask if I'd "take phone calls" by an Al-Anon member. I happily agreed. This is a vital aspect of my recovery - service to others. Because I'm new to this city, I don't yet have any sponsees here, and I've missed the time spent listening and learning. I enjoy offering, with no obligation, what has worked so well for me. The more I give it away, the more solidly it lives within me.

I know that for me to feel truly happy and satisfied in my life, I need to feel useful. Fufilling my own needs is all very well and good, but if there is no service in my life, I begin to feel rather hollow and adrift. In my search for meaning after I stopped working, and through working the program, this became apparent: I have a strong desire to help, and I need to satisfy that desire, in order to feel balanced.

It's that desire to help which drove so much of my co-dependent behavior and thinking, so I know what happens when I don't find a healthy outlet for it - chaos, confusion, and attempts to control.

Isn't this what so much of Al-Anon is about? Finding healthy ways to satisfy those innate traits of our character, which, if ignored or dismissed, will run amok?

From Hope for Today, page 101:

"The God of my understanding wants me for my availability as well as for my abilities."

When I was first approached to sponsor someone, many years ago, I was terrified that I wouldn't do it "correctly." That fear led me to reflect and respond with far less assertion than I might otherwise have done, and that made me much more approachable, less judgemental, and a softer, warmer sponsor. I found my way by letting the sponsee find hers, and we learned and grew together. I'm not a directive sponsor - I'd never tell someone what action to take, or what choices to make. I am, however, the Al-Anon equivalent of what an AA friend calls "a Big-Book pounder." I talk program. I offer my insights for whatever they are worth, and let the sponsee assign whatever importance or value they may or may not have for their own lives.

I may tell them "Emotion is a drunk driver, don't let it get behind the wheel of your life," or "Stopping to think is never a bad thing if acting on impulse is your usual behavior" or any of the other phrases which were offered to me, and have been so useful, but I never tell someone what to do in their daily life. I see very clearly that this is not my place, and I don't want the responsibility, if it all goes to hell in a handbasket.

As a sponsor, I know I have been maddening in my refusal to tell sponsees what they "should do" - I had a sponsee once who, after working with me for a while, flatly told me that I was useless to her, because I wouldn't give her "life directions." I agreed that no, I certainly wouldn't, and hoped she could find someone more helpful to her.

When it comes to specific problems, I ask open-ended questions, and my sponsees find the answers in their own replies. We often already know what to do, we just need to hear ourselves say it aloud.

Sponsorship keeps me grounded, and keeps me humble - with my ego always in the wings, looking for an opportunity to strut onto the stage and take over, that is a very good thing.

Why Do I Need A Sponsor?

I need a sponsor because I've developed coping mechanisms which very quickly will have me convinced that whatever it was I did/said/thought was perfectly and completely reasonable and acceptable under the circumstances, because -  any rational person would be feeling as I do, right?

When I go to my sponsor with this specious reasoning, she will kindly hear me out, then gently offer an alternative reasoning which will leave me not a millimetre of wiggle-room, and do it in such a way that invariably, I end up laughing at myself.

When I was new to program, I needed someone who was tough, and would listen to my torrent of complaint, and when I finished, look me straight in the eye, and say firmly, "Bollocks."

Some of us need that painful honesty - it's the only way to puncture our denial. I've seen what happens when people deliberately pick a sponsor who they know won't confront their self-deceptions or encourage them to work the Steps; they don't move past a certain level of understanding in the program. Perhaps they will stay stuck there for years on end, getting ever more frustrated, or perhaps they begin to miss meetings, and slip away from Al-Anon entirely.

I need a sponsor so that I can have the use of her experience in working the program,to see around corners which remain blind to me.

I need a sponsor so I have one person I can trust absolutely with all my "stuff," knowing she will never deliberately shame or embarass me. This isn't to say that I won't feel those emotions while working the Steps, I think that's a natural progression, as we work through them - we need to feel it, and then be able to move beyond it, in faith that God will carry us.

I need a sponsor to be my cheering section, on days when I'm tired and grumpy and feeling irritated and annoyed with myself for doing whatever it is again. On those days I need to hear someone tell me "But look at the incredible distance you've travelled - remember when you used to think this about that?" My sponsor helps to keep me motivated when I'm feeling frustrated with what I see as my lack of progress in one area. We are not always able to track our own progress accurately.

I need a sponsor to help me apply Al-Anon wisdom to all areas of my life, not merely those which pertain to the alcoholic directly. Some of us tend to have a narrow scope of vision when we're under stress - a sponsor helps to widen that.

I need a sponsor so that I have someone who loves me when I cannot love myself - this love proves to me that I am worth it - worth the striving, misdirection, and maddening vexation of trying to improve myself.

Sponsors.

A reader asks how long was I in Al-Anon before I asked someone to be my sponsor?

About a year. I was not able to trust other human beings with much ease or speed back then, and the very idea of pouring my heart out to another person was terrifying. I wanted a guarantee that this information wouldn't be used as ammunition to hurt me. I wanted a signed statement, before umpteen witnesses, that this information I was going to give, would be kept private.

It took me about a year to understand that there are no guarantees. Al-Anon operates under the principles of anonymity, trustworthiness, and discretion, but I had to decide - how badly did I want this sanity and serenity? Would I be able to survive, if my trust were broken? What's the worst that could happen? The worst for me, was that I'd be very hurt by the betrayal, and perhaps embarassed and ashamed.

But I'd survive. Once I'd had that realisation, I decided to ask someone to be my sponsor. I knew that I needed more in-depth conversation with an Al-Anon member, to help me work to discover which of my long-held beliefs were standing in my way.

I chose to put my trust in another person, and I took it very slowly, revealing myself in small increments, so that I was comfortable with the process. (The first person I asked, wasn't a good fit for me, and I ended up asking someone else with whom I felt more comfortable.)

I had been in awe of my sponsor, she seemed so calm, and relaxed. In working with her, I learned that she was a fellow traveller, with her own frailties, and I grew to love her. She wouldn't let me get away with anything, it seemed, and offended me a lot with her early observations - and we had some great laughing fits recalling my offense, when I had a few years of recovery. (I took myself very seriously when I first came into program - lots of drama and self-pity.)

A sponsor can be incredibly helpful, if we allow it.