What Do I Have To Offer?

In Al-Anon, a sponsor can be of invaluable help. For those of us who start out with firmly closed minds and determined ideas, a sponsor can, with a combination of direct speaking, humour and encouragement, create a safe enough environment that we can begin to step out from behind our social mask of "Oh, fine thank you!" to reveal the true feelings we carry. These may include rage, fear, frustration, loneliness, or despair that we will ever attain the serenity about which we hear so much.

When I was first asked to sponsor someone, I was terrified; I couldn't see what on earth she thought I had to give. I still often felt like I was barely managing to maintain my newfound serenity. When I asked her, a long time later, it turned out that she liked my ability to laugh. She felt as though she'd lost her sense of humour completely, and she wanted it back more than anything else she could imagine; she wanted to be able to howl with laughter. This member felt that she'd evolved into a dry and serious woman who could barely muster a fake chuckle, and she wanted to be able to laugh until her eyes were wet, and her stomach muscles hurt. She remembered laughing like that in childhood, and early adulthood, before her marriage to an alcoholic. The constant financial problems, other stresses, strains and heartbreak, had slowly eroded her ability to find humour in everyday life.

When I hear those who have a strong program declare that they don't sponsor, because they don't belive they've got anything to give to a sponsee, I will sometimes tell them this story. Perhaps they have the idea that they need to be deeply involved in Al-Anon, with many years of experience, and lofty things to share at meetings, before they will be of value as a sponsor. For me, it was my ability to see the humour in the small things we observe, the silly choices we can make, the ironies of our behavior, that were attractive to my first sponsee. She wanted to hang out with someone who laughed often, in the hopes that she'd be able to regain her sense of humour, and she did. We used to have long involved philosophical discussions punctuated by helpless laughing fits. She told me many times over the years that it was my ability to laugh at my own craziness which made it possible for her to loosen her iron grip on her self-control, and let go of her desire to be perfect.

So please, don't refuse to sponsor because you don't think you've got anything to offer - what you have in abundance, may be just what another member so desperately needs.

"...Tried To Carry This Message To Others..."

There is only so much of me to go around. When I left my ex, I changed my cell phone number, and when he somehow obtained it and began to call me, rather than get a new cell phone number, I chose to get a landline. When I leave home, and anyone calls me, they get voicemail, and the next time I'm back at home, I return the call. It's not possible to reach me at every hour of the day or night by telephone. There's a certain glorious feeling of freedom when I'm with my sweetheart at his place, and I know that no-one can get in touch with me. For the same reason, I don't take my laptop to his place, because emails can wait for a reply, also.

Some of my sponsees are chained to their phones, and find it irritating in the extreme that I am not instantly and always available. I understand this, but I've learned over my years of sponsoring that I'm not indispensable to anyone - it can actually be helpful to a sponsee  to not be able to reach me, and as a result, for them to choose to call another program member for support. It's not healthy for me, or for them, if they consider me their sole source of support. I like us to have a weekly meeting for working through the Steps together, and I will take whichever calls I am able, when I'm at home. When I'm out, I'm free of any feelings of responsibility for, or to, my sponsees. I give what I can, and that's enough.

This blog is another way I practise Step 12 in my program. Some periods of my life, I write on an almost daily basis, other times, not so often, but I do what I can, and try to discipline myself, without
turning it into a millstone around my neck. I will now and then receive a thank you letter from a reader which will bring a lump to my throat, because their words take me back to the time when I was new to this wonderful program, and just beginning my journey to recovery. I am powerfully grateful to my Higher Power for the love, acceptance and joy I have been given in my life, and for the ability to be of some use.

I can only do what I can do, and lately, my sweetheart has been getting the lion's share of my free time. It's still new and still amazing to me that we can get along in such peaceful serenity, livened by dashes of humour, and sprinkled with grace.

I hope that you are having a calm and satisfying weekend. 

Celebrations

Last night we attended a celebration at the local John Howard Society's treatment and recovery house for men. One of my husband's sponsees is going through the program there, and he'd invited us to join him as his "family" because his birth family lives far away. This man has been in and out of treatment many times, and as the saying goes, "around AA" for a lot of years, but this time, something has changed. We had a few moments quiet conversation amidst the noise of happy chatter and laughter, when my husband went to speak to another friend. I could sense the difference in this man; his restlessness has gone, and so has the sarcastic and critical facade - he's found serenity.
Later, we all gathered in the main room and sat in peaceful communion, while the men in the house stood up one by one, and spoke of what it meant for them to be in recovery, to be clean and sober at this time of year, to have their family there to celebrate with them.  Many had to stop and swallow several times to regain their ability to speak, because their gratitude brought such a powerful wave of emotion. (I'm hopelessly emotional in these gatherings, and used to try to be circumspect about wiping the tears from my eyes - I gave that up years ago. I know I'm going to weep throughout, and I accept that as just the way it is.)

When my husband's sponsee stood up to speak, I glanced at my husband beside me - his eyes, too, were full of tears. He loves this man the way he loves them all, wholeheartedly, with no judgement or reservation, through their disbelief, their anger, their frustration and despair - no matter what is going on for them. He's a rock of calm to which they can cling, he makes them laugh, and because he is an alcoholic himself, he heads them off at every attempt to justify or rationalise.

One sponsee came up to me last night and said laughingly that he finally had to start working the program because my husband was the first guy in AA he'd ever met who was just that tiny bit more stubborn than he was himself. He said to me, "He wore me down!" I hugged him and replied, "Oh bullshit, _____, you wore yourself down, he just kept you company while you had at it."

He grinned at me, and said, "I forgot - you've been in Al-Anon since I was 10."

I love these 12-Step celebrations; for days afterwards, I find myself remembering, and smiling.

Controlling - Or Not.

"Go to meetings, and work the Steps." A friend recounted a conversation in which he was offering variations on that sentence repeatedly, and not being heard. He asked what should he do then? I replied, "Stop issuing directives."

I was thinking about that this morning, and as always seems to be the way, found that very topic being addressed in a blog post by Syd today. (For newcomers: seems like whatever is on your mind as a matter of some urgency, or whatever you've been thinking about a lot that week, will be the topic of a meeting you attend, or a daily reading - it happens often enough to feel eerie at first, but then you will get used to it, laugh, and realise you can feel your Higher Power working in this synchronicity.)

When we know what to do, and choose not to do it, that is our business. It's not up to anyone else to show us the error of our ways, or us to them. When we detach in love, we can feel for the struggle, and not get caught up in trying to fix.

When I detach, I can keep respect for the person, even when I'm impatient with the behavior.  It's not my job to tell anyone how to run their life, and when I get too involved, and begin to feel annoyed because this person isn't taking the advice I'm offering, I am no longer offering "experience strength and hope," I am interfering.

I've learned to step far enough back to be out of the maelstrom, while being close enough to be a comfort, merely for my willingness to give some of my time, to sit with someone while they fight their own fight. I know there is no perfect sentence to enlighten, so I don't worry about saying the right thing. I pray to be a conduit for their Higher Power to use to get across whatever message is required, and I let the rest go.

If I feel impatience rising in my chest, I stop to consider if perhaps what's happening is that I've had enough for now, and I need to get off the phone, or make my exit. I used to think that I had to sit with someone for as long as they wanted me to, until I heard a long-time member say that she gave what she could, and then she explained that her tank was empty, and she needed to go fill up now, and did they have their phone list handy?

I cringed - that sounded so cold and hard. But I've learned that this will be transmitted either in words, or non-verbally, this message of having had "enough for now" and that I'm being more loving to acknowledge and state the fact. We all know how that feels, and can relate.

For me, direct is best. I give what I can, and then I say that I need to go now, and they can call me again soon, if they like. It's not up to me to "save" anyone, and I couldn't if I tried. I don't know the best choice for them, I can't say what they need,
all I have to offer is a little of my time, and the wisdom of this wonderful program.

Joy

From Courage to Change, page 31:
"I want to be ready for shortcomings to be removed, and I will do what I can to prepare. I can develop a non-judgemental awareness of myself, accept what I discover, and be fully willing to change. But I lack the power to heal myself. Only my Higher Power can do that."
A friend jokes that when she was new to Al-Anon, and hoping for a spiritual awakening, she expected the burning bush, and was disappointed when it didn't happen that way for her. Doesn't matter how many times I hear her say it, I laugh - it so describes me.  I came into Al-Anon a determined and rigid sceptic.

My first spiritual awakening was a powerful experience.  I've had others since then, large and small. They all carry one similarity - my thinking is permanently changed afterwards.

Last week, I was granted another profound world-view-tilter of a spiritual awakening. I had been thinking, meditating, praying, and working towards acceptance in one area of my life. I had been "...doing what I can to prepare."

Acceptance is a powerful tool in Al-Anon. When I accept fully the person that I am, without judgement, and fearlessly, I am making myself ready for change.

I cannot change if I do not acknowledge the need for change. Honesty with myself, with my loved ones, with my Higher Power, removes the stubborn barricades of self-will, and says, "I see that I am this way. I see that this doesn't work well, for me or other people, and I'm ready and willing to let it go. Please take it." My Higher Power knows when I'm mouthing the words, but still feeling the resentment or irritation, and when I'm truly ready for change. I don't get to set the timeline, either, which I choose to see as more training in my powerlessness. My part is to do the work, and keep on doing the work, whether I see an immediate result, or whether I feel as though I'm marching in place.

How committed to my recovery am I? Enough to keep going when I don't get instant results? Enough to trust that there's a point to all this, and a reason? Enough to do what I need to do without complaint, and with an open heart? Enough to trust that I will be given the sponsor I need, who will gently point me in the right direction? My new sponsor here is a wonderful human being, but I've had times when I felt as though she were telling me what I didn't want to hear - I've learned to pay close attention when I get that feeling, and to plow right through it.

Al-Anon has taught me that there is no wasted time in this program - I move in fits and starts during some passages of my life - stumbling, barking my shins, stubbing my toes, falling. If I keep on getting up, brushing myself off, not merely letting go of my desire to lay blame for my pain, but accepting and even being grateful for that pain, as necessary for my growth, I will make progress.

When these awakenings are granted, they are life-changing. This last one has opened a door closed in my terrible early childhood, and revealed to me, that on the other side trying to get in, were not the monsters of my imagining, but love, abundance, and this pure joy running through me now.

Let There Be No Gossip Or Criticism of One Another, Part 2.

Part 1 can be found here.

When new to Al-Anon, I would sit in meetings, and judge those around the table - for the way they looked, what they said, how they responded to challenges in their lives. I couldn't hear the message, because I was too caught up in examining the envelope from which it came, deciding that I didn't like the stamp, and the paper was a wierd texture, and that was a different way to glue the flaps...

I wouldn't deal with the day's mail by slitting open an envelope, throwing the contents directly into the trash, and then carefully examining the envelope, now would I? Put like that, it's ridiculous. Yet that is precisely what I was doing with the messages from Al-Anon members.

That reminder about let there be no gossip or criticism of one another, doesn't refer only to our conversations with a third person - it also refers directly to the inner critic we all contain. That crow of negativity inside our heads, which keeps up a steady chatter of comparison and disparagement. It has been a monumental task, my ongoing effort to silence that monstrosity.

I began to pray: to ask for patience, tolerance, open-mindedness, during the moment of silence before a meeting started. Almost without my realising it, something magical began to happen: I could sit in a meeting, and for one splendid hour, hear not a murmur from that black bird. I could take what I liked and leave the rest, but what I left was put down, not with a feeling of irritation or disgust or impatience, but with a quiet interest, accompanied perhaps by that little sound (usually written as "hmmn") which we make in antique stores, examining an object apparently made to be useful in some way, but a mystery to us.

My inner critic-bird had retired to a higher branch, out of sight.  For that one hour, I was able to be accepting of everyone who sat in peaceful communion around the table. With that acceptance, came the ability to hear wisdom and help in the words of those I would previously have considered, the most unlikely of sources - people with whom I had not one opinion or interest in common.  People I would have dismissed with a contemptuous sniff (I've mentioned in previous posts, that I wasn't a very nice person when new to Al-Anon) would put out on the table, the one thought which would surface and resurface throughout my week, swinging and bobbing, catching the sun and flinging it back to illuminate an area of my thinking never before considered in quite that light...making me stop walking, and gasp, to realise what I was seeing.

I'd rush to call my sponsor, to tell her what I'd just this moment realised, and it was all because  of so-and-so's sharing on Monday - it was astounding, it was amazing, it was earthshaking; "It was," she interrupted, "your Higher Power."

My sincere prayer for tolerance was being granted.  I was being given the gift of seeing not the envelope of character and habit, education and upbringing, but the contents - the person. From a purely selfish viewpoint, this allows me to receive wisdom I'd have discarded unrecognised for the treasure it was. From the standpoint of unity, it allows me to be equally as welcoming, tolerant and accepting of those with whom I feel a personal connection, and those with whom my only apparent commonality, is that we are both human beings, both living, and struggling with loving, an alcoholic.

I pray to be granted the honest willingness to truly practise these principles in all my affairs, not just in the meeting rooms of Al-Anon.

What Does A Spiritual Awakening Look Like, Anyway?

Almost two years ago, a sponsee and I were out walking the dogs and talking, and I asked a question regarding a choice she was making. I could see her recoil, and then the wall came slamming down. After that day, she was courteous at meetings, but she cut me loose as her sponsor.

I really wrestled with this, swinging back and forth between lashing myself for having phrased it the way I had, and being able to let go of it. I finally achieved an uneasy peace, realising that I could have phrased my question differently, so as not to offend her, and still stimulated her into thinking about why she was making that particular choice. From a sponsor point of view, it was obvious that one of her character defects was driving it; my mistake was in not realising how my question would sound. I was too direct, and  my question was shaming. I had been, in my clumsy way, oblivious to her feelings.

Recently, this sponsee has begun to contact me again, and we have been discussing this mistake of mine, and her response to it. I have found it freeing to be able to be completely honest about where I was when I asked the question, what was going through my mind at the time, the aftermath, etc.

I was thinking about it today, and realised just how far I've come in Al-Anon. This is how I "practise these principles in all our affairs."
I'm willing to admit to my character defects, and discuss them openly and honestly, even when they are making me cringe and writhe.  I'm willing to sit quietly and hear how I have caused another person pain through my actions, and when they finish speaking, make amends. No justifying, no rationalising my behavior, just listen, and make an amend.

My spiritual awakening has been, in part, to realise that I am going to continue to make a mess of things in my dealings with other people - I am a flawed human being.

If I don't make the necessary amends for the mistakes I continue to make, I will begin again to feel ashamed. If I lash myself rather than work through whatever it may be, using my program tools, I will start to backslide.

If I cannot admit to, ask forgiveness for, (forgive myself for) my character defects, I will once again be lost inside a misery of my own making. I may be easier to deal with now, than I was before Al-Anon, but my character defects are going to keep tripping me up until I take my last breath. That's a given.

Whether or not I work to sustain this different, more honest, more peaceful way of life, is up to me. I am faced with the choice a hundred times a day - I pray to continue to make the right one - to continue to practise these principles in all my affairs.

Step Twelve

"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practise these principles in all our affairs."

We all have our own ways to carry the message. Some of us bring newcomers to meetings, so they can be exposed to our wonderful program. Some of us are great at post-meeting parking lot encounters. Some are good at desperation phone calls. That last one is my forte. My phone line is always open to those who are wrestling their demons, and need a warm, welcoming, calming voice at the other end of the line. I will talk to my sponsees, or anyone in program, for as long as they need to, to get themselves back on an even keel.

I know full well how it feels to be on the calling end of that encounter, and how hugely grateful I would be to the Al-Anon member that slowly helped me work my way around to feeling that maybe life wasn't so bad after all, and I could handle whatever the crisis was, if I took it in small manageable sections rather than facing it as a whole, and how some could, once they'd calmed me down, get me into a laughing fit over the very thing I'd felt completely unable to deal with, when I'd dialed their number. I'd put the phone back onto the receiver and feel....better.

That's the word I listen for, when I get one of these calls. At times, it comes after 15 minutes, other times, it might take an hour and a half. It's almost always accompanied by a gusty sigh, and with that, I know I've done my bit, they've got a good chunk of program wisdom to carry with them into the rest of their day, and we can say goodbye.

I once had an Al-Anon member make a snide comment about the fact that I don't bring newcomers to meetings, and how was I working my program if I didn't do that? I went home, called my sponsor, and asked her directly if she felt I was lacking in this area.

Wise woman that she was, she briskly disposed of that, saying God uses each of us as He sees fit, and we are not expected to go out and proslytise for 12-Step - it's attraction rather than promotion, and if we don't run into those in need in our daily lives, nowhere is it suggested that we go hunt them down and drag them in, like trophies to our program.

I felt better after I talked to her.

The second half of Step Twelve, "practise these principles in all our affairs." explains that the wisdom we learn in our meetings can be expanded to our lives at large, to help make the world a better place. Not because of any glory we will get from it; (and there have been instances when I have had to wrestle a part of myself to the floor, put a gag over her mouth, and sit firmly upon her, in order to be able to practise these principles in a part of my life) we do it because it's the right thing to do.