Seen Through A Glass, Darkly.

When I decide I know how another person is thinking, or what they mean when they say something, I am setting myself up for trouble.

From Courage to Change, page 140:

"And how did others appear to me? Happy and self-confident - they seemed to have all the answers. But because of the front that I put on, people thought I was easy-going and happy, too. If they could be mistaken about how I really felt, couldn't I have a few wrong ideas about their feelings?"

When I was new to program, my negative attitude colored my perception of what other people said/thought/felt/meant. I was always on guard against sarcasm, or snarkiness, or what have you. I saw it everywhere, and was easily offended and upset. People couldn't be trusted, they were always trying to "get at me" and they might be smiling and friendly, but I was convinced I knew what was really going on inside their heads.

I have, with the aid of Al-Anon, pretty much let that brand of insanity go. If someone offers me a cheerful response, I accept it at face value. I don't go searching behind the words for the "true" meaning.

It's amazing how my own changed attitude, has rendered life and the world so much less threatening, so much more accepting - warmer. When I was defensive and threatened, I couldn't understand that how I viewed the world, and the people in it, affected my feelings of safety and personal comfort.

What I love about program, is that we are each allowed to use whatever works for us. When I was new, the slogans sounded like trite, annoying little sayings that couldn't possibly help me.

I didn't understand that my attitude was of paramount importance.

Just as people in double blind studies can derive positive effect from a pill if they believe they are getting the real thing, not the placebo, how I view the tools of Al-Anon will affect how well they work for me. If I dismiss the slogans as useless little cliches, they can't help me. If I choose to see them as little snippets of distilled wisdom, I can use that wisdom in my daily life;

It's always easier to scoff than to believe - belief takes effort, and hard work. How badly do I want recovery?

It works if we work it. If I choose to sneer and dismiss, I won't be deriving much help from the program.

Is That A Worm Or A Snake? Fear And Control.

Sometimes what I fear, is a result of a previous painful encounter. Or I may fear because I've been taught to fear, without really understanding why. If, when I'm a small child, everyone else leaps about screaming upon sighting a small garter snake, there's a good chance I'll do the same. We can take on these kinds of fears, and carry them into adulthood, without ever stopping to question -  just how real is the threat? When I was adopted at the age of 6, I was terrified of snakes. My adoptive brother used to play in the marsh behind our house, and took me down into that wonderland to show me around. He taught me to recognise a garter snake, and to understand that they were essentially harmless. I lost that immediate fear response.

I used to hate and fear spiders, until I took up gardening, and began to understand what place they inhabited in the ecosystem - without spiders, we'd be overrun with other insect life. I slowly began to be able to see a beauty in spiders - the tiny palest of green ones, the color of the inside stalks of a celery clump, who were invisible against new growth, until they moved. I might start a bit, when a larger  black spider burst out from beneath a fallen leaf and took off for drier climes when I turned the watering wand upon that area of ground, but that startle reaction was no longer followed by fear, and the desire to eradicate by stomping.

I learned that my garden might have an infestation of aphids for a couple of weeks, but if I didn't interfere, I would then wake up one day, go out to do my morning wander about my garden, and find ladybugs everywhere, hundreds of them, all munching happily upon the aphid buffet. Once the aphids were gone, so were most of the ladybugs.

I learned to "leave well enough alone." I don't interfere with pesticides or attempts to kill insect life - I allow nature to take its course, and if that means my daylily bloom gets eaten by a caterpillar, I choose to admire the beauty in that living creature, and be glad for all the other blooms.  My husband was raised on a farm, and when we were first together, he would lunge wildly at pale butterflies with a dark spot on one wing, trying to kill them. When asked why, he said it was a "cabbage butterfly!" in a tone that expected me to understand. Further investigation revealed that he'd been taught by his parents to catch and kill them, because the caterpillars fed upon their vegetable gardens.

I don't grow food, only flowers, so I asked him to please leave them be. He insisted the garden would soon be inundated with them, they'd wreak havoc, and eat all the flowers. I asked again that he leave them be. He agreed, finally, although he said it went against the grain, because he'd been taught since he was a tiny boy that they were a disaster for the garden.

Nature has her own checks and balances - in all the years we've gardened together, we've never yet had a plague of that particular insect. We have, though, seen quite a few birds sitting with one captured in their beak, resting a moment before flying back to their nest to feed their young.

I learned not to tidy my garden obsessively in late fall, cutting everything back, because when I do, I remove a food source for the birds in winter - seeds.  I had been taught to deadhead to remove seeds, so that my garden wouldn't be "choked to death by all those seeds when they sprouted." That doesn't happen, because the birds consume most of those seeds. The few that don't get eaten, are easily pulled, or transplanted to another area. When I leave the seeds, we have avian visitors all winter long.

I'd originally been taught, another version of the same lesson my husband received: "You must control, or terrible things will happen!" When I am fearful of an outcome, I feel compelled to control. When I understand that my interference is not at all required, necessary, or even helpful or healthy, I learn to step back, Let Go and Let God. He's got it all beautifully organised. I don't need to be hyper-vigilant, I don't need to be obsessive, I don't need to control.

When I accept life on life's terms, it flows and cycles, eddies and swirls - trusting in my Higher Power not only opens the door to miracles happening, it opens the door to my heart. Which lets in some light and air. Fresh air, sunlight. Beautiful, and all done with no help from me.

Controlling keeps me rigid, unbending, unaccepting, unhappy.

Letting go keeps me flexible, willing to compromise, and delighted.

It's an easy choice, but only after I have decided not to let fear make my decision for me.

Together We Can Make It.

From Hope for Today, page 203:

"Unity was a foreign idea to me as a child. I never felt as though I were part of a family. It felt more like a bunch of strangers living in the same house. At best, my family had poor communication or none at all. It seemed no one was available to help me. In fact, I usually was the receiptient of criticisms and complaints. Instead of feeling united with my family, I felt isolated and alone."

I can relate to that. In order to be able to feel unity with other people, I must be able to at least begin to trust. I didn't trust anyone when I came into program. I was carrying too much pain, and I was too self-absorbed to be able to understand the ways in which my own behaviors contributed to my misery.

I went along for quite a while unable to trust any idividuals in my group, but I could trust the group as a whole, if that makes any sense - the whole being larger than the sum of its parts. I could feel a power in the rooms of Al-Anon, although I couldn't have named it.

And when I was at the tables of Al-Anon, I felt peaceful in a way new to me, and valued. I felt heard. I didn't talk at first, I was too embarassed and ashamed and self-conscious, but when I did speak, no one interrupted me - I was allowed to speak my piece, and I was allowed to decide when I was finished speaking.

I could understand what everyone else was saying, and I could feel compasssion for their grief and sorrow, and delight in their triumphs. Trust established itself like the fog in the Carl Sandburg poem, coming in "on little cat feet," silently padding in, unnoticed, while I was busy paying attention to the wisdom so freely offered.

This reading closes with this reminder:

"A feeling of unity is as close as the nearest Al-Anon meeting."

Think.

This slogan puzzled me. I was under the impression that I thought too much, so why was I being encouraged to think more? My sponsor, when I posed this question, suggested dryly that it was my choice of subject, that was causing me problems, and there's a considerable difference between thinking, and obsessing.

My dictionary defines the word "think" as: "to employ one's mind rationally and objectively in evaluating or dealing with a given situation:"

I can honestly say that whatever I may have believed about my thought processes when I was new to Al-Anon, they were neither rational or objective. On the contrary, they were irrational to the point of insanity, and subjective to the point of delusionally self-centered. I didn't think, I obsessed, and I was self-absorbed - everything revolved around me and my pain. A member in my home group made us all laugh in a meeting, by stating mournfully, when it was his turn to share, that he'd realised something very sad that day. Pause. "I realised I'm not the centre of the universe."

Someone else piped up, "Of course you're not, I am!"

We all joke about this, but this type of self-centeredness is a habit of thinking that magnifies our troubles, and keeps others at a distance. Who wants to be close to someone who can't "see past the end of their own nose?"

From Hope for Today, page 283:

"Today, when I'm faced with unhealthy and unacceptable behavior, I don't run away. I use the program to help me. I remember to stop and "Think." I use my intellect instead of my emotions before responding. I detach from the person or situation until I can calm down and think rationally. I call my sponsor to defuse my emotions and help me figure out which program tools to apply."

This has been one of the most helpful program tools for me - the ability to do what friend calls the Al-Anon variety of "stop, drop, and roll" - stop what we were about to say, drop our resentment and anger, and roll out a carpet of detachment. If we make this our invariable habit, we gain enough time for our initial response to come and go, without acting upon it. Then we can "think," and make a rational and objective choice.

Progress Not Perfection.

I was in Al-Anon for quite some time before it ever began to dawn on me that I was a mad perfectionist. I'd been resisting this realisation, and I recall when it finally slammed home full force. I was making a dog sweater for my small dog. (I hadn't understood, until I had a small dog, that people dress them in sweaters because they're cold, not because it's cute. Anything under 20 pounds, and they will be shivering on a walk, and that tugs at the heartstrings, especially if one is warmly dressed oneself.)

I was having trouble placing the miniscule sleeves, and had already ripped them out and resewn them several times, when all at once I stopped and thought - it's a dog sweater! It's not for the queen! Who cares if there's a wrinkle in the seam!

The dog certainly doesn't.

This was an enormous startling revelation for me, and I went to my meeting that night, and shared it with my group - I was so excited about this new understanding. I wasn't far into my share, and I could hear the odd smothered giggle, and then a laugh, and this built until the entire group was howling with laughter. My sponsor told me later, that for her, it was the mental picture of me fighting with those tiny sleeves, for a dog sweater, and giving myself a hard time for not doing it perfectly the very first time, that did her in.

I learned two things from this experience: firstly, to pay attention to my internal dialogue, and when it whispers to me that whatever it is I'm working on isn't perfect and maybe I should redo it, I can respond with a firm "It's just fine, it's not for the queen, it's just a ___" and secondly, that my own frailties, if admitted honestly, can give us all a good laugh.

Only God is capable of perfection, and I no longer expect it of myself, or my loved ones. Holding myself or my alcoholic to that impossible standard is a recipe for resentment, shame and bitterness.

I cannot do what is not humanly possible, and my best is good enough.

Principles Above Personalities.

I am always humbled and awed by the way that "moment's silence to remember why we are here" at the beginning of our meetings, can take a wildly diverse group of people and turn them into a loving community. After that silence, we are focused on recovery; all else is set aside.

I've learned that I don't know who's going to be my Higher Power's message-carrier; I've often heard just what I needed, from someone with whom I might not choose to socialise outside the meeting. Before Al-Anon, if someone irritated me, I didn't listen to them - I used that small annoyance to completely discount them.

I've learned that those who grate upon me most, are those with whom I have much in common. That humility has allowed me to see what I wouldn't have otherwise, were I still caught up in measuring the differences between myself and another: we are all God's children, and we all have value. (I didn't learn that lesson as a child - on the contrary, I learned to dismiss and ignore those who didn't fit into a very slim category.)

When I was new to Al-Anon, I had a rather muddled idea that I practised "principles above personalities" for the sake of other people. Now I understand I do this for myself, as well - so I'm not closing myself off to wisdom because it arrives in a rather tattered container, instead of a nice shiny package.

One Day At A Time.

Before Al-Anon, I don't think I ever really lived in the present moment. I was either mourning the past, lashing myself for the past, anticipating, or dreading the future. The present was just something to "get through."

What a way to live.

In 12-Step, I have learned to stop using my past mistakes as weapon with which to wound myself. I let go of what was done to me, by those who were themselves deeply unhappy. I use the past only to learn from my mistakes, no more. Before Al-Anon, because I never made amends, I couldn't let go of my wrongs - the errors in judgement, the small unkindnesses, the sharp words, the deliberately hurtful actions. I tormented myself with them endlessly.

Before Al-Anon, although I was always wanting the future to hurry up and arrive, because it might get me out of the misery of the present, I lived in a constant state of trepidation. There is no other way, when fear is our driving force.

Al-Anon has taught me that worrying for what may arrive with tomorrow doesn't prevent any of it from taking place, it only robs today. I like this quote from Calvin Coolidge:

"If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they reach you."

Most worriers don't ever stop to think about the usefulness of worry, it's a knee-jerk fear response. I like to ask my sponsees, "What did you worry about when you were 20? 25? 30? Did any of that ever happen?" Invariably the person I'm talking to will stop, think, burst out laughing, and admit that no, it didn't. This is a good little exercise, to help us gain perspective.

When I live One Day At A Time, I accept the gift of life that my Creator has given me, and feel grateful. I stand on my back steps and revel in the smell of fresh air. I marvel at the amazing complexity of a frilly-edged leaf, or a dahlia bloom. I allow myself to love without reservation. I take a leap of faith, and decide to enjoy my life, instead of just enduring it. When we live as if each day might be our last, petty squabbles aren't worth having. Love, and people, are all that matter in life, the rest is just what my grandfather used to call "window-dressing."

Live and Let Live.

Before Al-Anon, I was consumed with my struggles to make the alcoholic quit drinking. My life had been reduced to that one desire. Everything else had fallen away, been discarded, or forgotten; I was obsessed with making him stop. You could not call what I was doing "living." Great swathes of my life were passing me by, while all of my thinking reverberated inside that constricting vessel of my focus.

I also was not letting him live his life. I directed, admonished, upbraded, ranted - I was a endless loop of negativity directed at his poor suffering self. These days, when I pause to consider how it must have felt to be with me, I feel only compassion for him. I wouldn't want to live with someone hounding me the same way I used to hound him, but back when I was engaged in that power struggle, I just wanted to win it. I didn't stop to think about whether it was right, or kind, or helpful, or useful.

It was a long hard haul uphill, for me to arrive at the full, heartfelt knowledge that the alcoholic's life was his, to do with as he chose. Marriage to me did not mean that I got to decide how he lived his life. As far as I'm aware, he's still drinking. My eight or so years of all-out effort to make him stop, had zero effect, apart from making us both miserable. I'm grateful that I had some program when we split up, so it was on pleasant terms, and not acrimonious. I didn't say or do anything which required amends later on, and for that, I'm grateful.

Live and Let Live used to feel like a rule I needed to try to follow - the more I practise it, the more it becomes a comfortable habit.

Listen & Learn

This is an apt slogan for what's been happening in my life lately. I have always been a talker. I talked to entertain, to disarm, to explain, to ease my own nervousness, and because I felt starved for attention. When I was new to program, I had to muster much self-control, in order not to misuse my sharing time at meetings, by talking for much longer than was fair/reasonable/tolerable. Over the years I've been a member of Al-Anon, I've become more comfortable within, and that has led to less need to talk. My present sponsor is a woman who is more comfortable in silence. My first sponsor, who was also a talker, used to joke that the two of us were like human pressure cookers, and had to let off steam through the use of words. Lots of words.


In the last while, I find myself with less to say. My Higher Power has granted me another level of serenity. I've worked hard, and prayed fervently for this, and receiving it has filled me with a powerful gratitude. I feel as if another layer of my defenses has been removed, and with it, the character defects that maintained it. Change like this can be disturbing for those friends or family not in program - they want to maintain the status quo. But my sponsor, and my program friends, can recognise the peacefulness I feel, and rejoice with me. I used to have a relaxation tape, and one of the affirmations the speaker used was: "I am completely calm." That's how I'm feeling.

From the ODAT, page 41:

"When I talk all the time, nothing new is being added to me. I am using the same old destructive thought material that has kept me at a standstill for so long.
To absorb new ideas, I keep my lips closed and my ears open. I find this gives me a new perspective on my problems, so solutions come more easily."

Let Go And Let God.

From Hope for Today, page 76:

"To truly detach with love, I practise "Let Go and Let God." I give up trying to control the alcoholic, and instead increase my efforts to keep my focus on myself without falling prey to alcoholic games. When I let go and let God, I'm more apt to find a place of compassion between obsession and indifference, where the serenity of ordered thoughts and emotions lies. With God's help, the hope of a happy medium can become a reality."

"... a place of compassion between obsession and indifference." When I was new to Al-Anon, I had no belief that such a place existed. Even now, I can struggle to find that place of compassion, that comfortable middle ground. Usually, when I'm having trouble locating it, I am stuck in willfullness - I want things to go one way or the other, I want a certain outcome, I want a specified response - I'm invested.

True detachment, for me, is the ability to view life with a calm relaxed feeling - to be able to see both sides of a problem, to give the other person's viewpoint equal time, to work together with my Higher Power, checking in with Him regularly, to make sure I have "the knowledge of His will," and am not beetling off down some selfish sideroad.

There have been times in my early recovery when I was trying to do this very thing, but fearful doubt was my companion, walking beside me and muttering into my ear, "Are you sure He knows what He's doing?"

I consider myself fortunate to have had my time in Al-Anon, which allows me to be more able and willing to do my bit, and then....let go. Watch with interest as it gathers momentum and speed, with only curiosity as to where He's going to take me next. With the help of 12-Step, my sponsor, and other members of Al-Anon, I can do this, rather than watch for two seconds, then completely lose my nerve, yelling, "No, no, I've changed my mind!"

When I Let Go and Let God, I'm facing reality - I'm not in control, my Higher Power is. Since that's the case, any efforts on my part to control, are a waste of my time and energy. Why not practise faith, and use my time to better effect? Instead of worrying away at that which is beyond me, I can help a program friend. I can play in my garden.

I see it as trusting the Driver, hopping on of my own volition, and then enjoying the ride, instead of being dragged along because my hand is caught in the door. Either way, I'm going, it's up to me whether its pleasurable or agonising.

Keep An Open Mind.

One of the most powerful lessons Al-Anon has taught me, is that I can learn from anyone and everyone, if I keep an open, receptive frame of mind.

I came into program a hurt, defensive, judgemental, closed-minded person. I had very decided opinions and felt no hesitation about sharing them. I slotted people into categories, and judged them on a myriad of levels. I lived in fear, and always felt inadequate. I had to be attending meetings for quite a few years before it dawned on me how judgemental I was.

I will always be deeply grateful to my first sponsor for her ability to reflect back to me, in a loving manner, the less delightful of my characteristics. She did it in such a way that shame was avoided, and I could see myself as a project to improve, with the help of God, and Al-Anon.

When I keep an open mind, I'm not making snap judgements about how another person may look or act, and feeling comfortable about dismissing them because of it. I realise that my Higher Power speaks to me through everyone I meet, if I am paying attention.

When I keep an open mind, I'm not building a barricade of judgemental opinions between me and another human being.
I grew into adulthood finding other people terrifying, with their ability to hurt me - judging and condeming kept most of them at a safe distance. It wasn't until I began to attend Al-Anon meetings that I found people who would climb right over my barricades to give me a warm hug and tell me they loved me.

When I keep an open mind, I am extending that same loving warmth to other people - we share what we have been given.

Keep It Simple.

I always believed that I had to know "why" something happened, or why I felt a certain emotion, before I could even begin to deal with the event, or my feelings. In this way did I stay hopelessly stuck - there are mysteries in life that will never be explained to my satisfaction. If I set the understanding as a prerequisite to the acceptance, I will never get beyond my present confusion.

I have one sponsee that I know I drive bonkers, replying to her every "But why?" with: "Why is irrelevant; deal with the facts of it as it stands now. Keep It Simple." At first when we'd have this exchange, she'd sigh in frustration, then fall silent. Then she started to try to rush in with my reply before I could say it, now she laughs when she hears herself say "But why?" We're making progress.

The wonder of program, is that this sponsee is an excellent and endearing reminder of my own ways of thinking before Al-Anon - because of this, when I help her, she helps me. I'll have a conversation with her, and for the rest of the day, I'll be freshly aware that I need to Keep It Simple. I'll hear my own thought patterns, and be reminded - I don't need to go there, I can simplify my life, and spend more of my precious time here on earth enjoying myself.

I don't need to get lost in convoluted mazes of my own thinking. Complication is not sophistication, and simplicity is not naivete. Keep It Simple means I deal with what is before me at this present moment, and I live here and now while I'm doing it. I don't spend years of my life drifting along on autopilot, while my head is twenty years in the past. I have come to appreciate simplicity, and to strive for it in all areas of my life.

Just for Today.

I was given the little card with this Slogan, early in my recovery. I took it home and used it as a bookmark - that way I'd get regular exposure to it, since I'm a voracious reader. Many times I'd go find whatever book I was in the midst of, not to read it, but to read the Just for Today card.
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"Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don’t want to do just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won’t find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me."
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"...not tackle all my problems at once." This is a great reminder to me that I cannot do what is not humanly possible, and that my life feels much more manageable when I'm dealing with it one small task at a time, rather than gazing out over the entire landscape and moaning about how impossible it all is.

"...I will be happy." I was staggered by the idea that happiness was a choice - dumbfounded, gobsmacked, blown away. I couldn't grasp it. I had the same conversation with my sponsor dozens of times, asking her "How can I choose to be happy when he's drinking?" and she would say this or that bit of program wisdom in response, until one day she looked me right in the eye, and said, "Well you choose to be unhappy about it, don't you?" I knew to the marrow of my bones that was a true statement, I could feel it next time I did it - he came though the door drunk, and I took a big deep breath and prepared to loose upon him the same calvalcade of words I always did, and...decided not to. I was in a good mood until he arrived, and I wanted to stay in a good mood. I smiled and greeted him kindly. He gaped at me in astonishment.

"...take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it." This becomes easier with practise. When I don't expect, I'm not disappointed. When I hold my life lightly, rather than white-knuckling, I see the humour, and feel the delight, that I missed for so long.

"...I will be agreeable." I feel much better about myself when I can practise this behavior, and not respond in kind to rudeness or irritation. I like the bit about "...not try to improve or regulate anybody but myself." Let's face it, that's a full-time job all by itself.

"...I will be unafraid." I could not get to this, until I had a spiritual awakening, and felt my Higher Power close to me. Then I knew I was never alone, and didn't need to approach life as if it were a ravening beast set to devour me. I will deal with each day as it arrives, and take the wonders with the pain, that's the tradeoff of being able to fully feel the joy - I must accept that if I'm open to it, I'm also open to the pain. I don't ever wish to go back to my state of numb despair.

I had my Just for Today card for quite a few years, until I gave it to a friend who was in need of the wisdom contained in the slightly tattered and well-handled card. "...as I give to the world, so the world will give to me." A beautiful promise.

How Important Is It?

I've written about this slogan once before:
http://al-anonfilter.blogspot.com/2009/05/how-important-is-it.html

because it has worked so marvellously well for me. I use it as a yardstick, by which I measure whatever it is that's causing me distress, and decide if it's truly as important as it may feel, in the heat of the moment.
My feelings are not always a valid gauge of significance. On the contrary - when my feelings are running high, unimportance is magnified a thousand times, until it seems huge. I have this in common with many who are in program, and this is why we have the acronym H.A.L.T. - because many of us cannot trust our feelings to be an accurate indicator.
When I was living with active drinking, I felt that if I didn't speak up often and loudly, I'd never be heard. (I wasn't heard anyway, but it gave me the illusion I was, at the time.)

I used to be a great one for offering my unsolicited opinion. Then one day, my current sponsor and I were discussing the ways in which we differed, and agreed that she and I would try an exercise for a week - she'd try to speak up more often, and I'd try to remain quiet more often. When we got together for lunch a week later, and discussed it, we ended up in an uncontrollable laughing fit - almost everyone I'd dealt with in my daily round of life that week, had asked if I was all right. Just talking less was so unusual for me, that it caused people to wonder if I was ill! That was an eye-opener.

From Hope for Today, page 142:

Our preamble to the Twelve Steps states in part, "that changed attitudes can aid recovery," and I can attest to this. My family situation has improved considerably because I've learned to mind my own business. "How Important Is It?" reminds me that my opinion doesn't have to be, and often shouldn't be, expressed unless it is requested. "

The flip side of this Slogan, which I didn't see for a long time, is that it can also be used to help me decide to speak up, those times when in the past I'd have remained silent, through a desire to please the other.

How Important Is It? Does whatever it is truly matter to me? Is this going against my principles, or trespassing my boundaries?
If that's the case, I can say so. Courteously. And then stop talking. I don't need to bash my point home with a hammering of words.

First Things First.

I'm not much of a television watcher - when I was kid, we weren't allowed to watch it unless the parents did, and then it was only programs such as travelogues which were acceptable. I usually only watch when I'm so exhausted I can't concentrate enough to read. In that state the other night, I turned it on, and lay on the couch in a daze, watching a show about hoarders. Both of the women featured in the show said, time and again, "It's overwhelming, I don't know where to start!"

That is precisely how I felt when I was new to Al-Anon. Where on earth did I start? My sponsor was a great list-maker, and suggested I sit down with her and make a list of priorities.

Just to give a little background: at that point in my life, I was a fiendish housekeeper - I washed and scrubbed and polished and buffed and vaccuumed and dusted and wiped and tidied. You could eat off my floors! My house was clean. And I was completely bonkers. Keeping the house that clean gave me the illusion of having some control over my home life. Meanwhile, I utterly neglected my emotional or spiritual health, in service to my mad desire for total spotlessness in my surroundings. I'd refuse social invitations to stay home and clean.

My sponsor suggested that my priorities were skewed - nobody was going to arrive at my door and ask to perform surgery on my kitchen table - clean was good enough, the house didn't have to be sterilised to that extent. She introduced me to First Things First. We started my priority list.

Housecleaning was not the first priority. My connection to my Higher Power was my first priority. If I kept that in mind, the rest of it seemed to fall into place with ease. My sponsor suggested that the next time I felt an overwhelming desire to get down on my knees and wax an already spotless kitchen floor, I pray and meditate instead. Then take my dog for a walk, call a friend to go for coffee, have some fun. She pointed out that God had given us all a sense of humour, didn't I think He meant for us to use it, and to have some fun in our lives? Did I think He was up there muttering to himself about a spot on my linoleum?

I look back at myself, and see a deeply unhappy and stressed woman, who had latched onto cleaning and was giving it her all, while the rest of her life was an empty space.

This Slogan helps to ground me when I'm feeling scattered and
swamped - if I can only do one thing at a time, what is most important?

These days, that's an easy answer - seek through prayer and meditation to be closer to God, as I understand Him. He calms me, comforts me, and gives me peace.

Easy Does It.

I was raised in a family that celebrated hard work, sustained effort, and strong opinions. I learned that I had better accomplish whatever it was that was expected of me, or I'd suffer the consequences, and they were going to be brutal and painful. I learned to work until I dropped, and to never, ever, give up. I learned to have "the courage of my convictions" and to "argue my corner" ceaselessly, or I would be seen as a weakling, and you did not want to be seen as a weakling in my family.

I was a prime candidate for the insanity that is co-dependence. I believed it was my own efforts that were lacking - if I just took a deep breath and resumed my exertions: found a new way to approach the problem: I would eventually succeed, the alcoholic would quit drinking, and we could live happily ever after. Part of the reason I was so wound up in this madness, was that my self-image was directly tied to my success or failure. I believed that his continued using declared to the outside world that I was failing - I was not enough, and that was why he sought solace in drink.

I recall my ex saying to me, after a marathon argument, "You never give up, do you?" At the time, I was proud - now it makes me wince.
The first time this Slogan was the topic of a meeting, I was completely confused - were these women suggesting that I back away from a conflict, or not rush to address a problem, that I not try? I was talking to my sponsor about it later that evening, going on and on, and she interrupted me to ask: "Where has all your effort brought you?"
I looked at her for a moment, then said, laughing, "To my knees. To Al-Anon."

Easy Does It doesn't mean I don't fufill my obligations, or even that I don't make an effort. It means that I don't put my head down and blindly charge at a problem, trying to force my way through. I don't batter and pound at it with words, believing that if I just found the right ones, I'd attain the solution I seek.

When I'm working this Slogan, I take a step back, instead of a step towards. I relax my grip, instead of holding on so tightly that my hands are cramping. I allow life to unfold on life's terms, because it's going to anyway, whether I fight it, or practise Easy Does It.

So with this Slogan, I am giving myself a much-needed respite and rest. I am allowing myself to acknowledge that much of what happens is beyond my control, and I'm ok with that. I don't have to love it or even like it, to be ok with that reality: it is what it is.

From: Courage to Change, page 200:

"We often come to Al-Anon with the philosphy that if something works, it will work even better and faster if we try harder. But Al-Anon involves a long-term process of growth and change. Our efforts to speed up this process are more likely to interfere with it, leaving us frustrated and depressed. In Al-Anon, we learn that "Easy Does It." The work often gets done when we stop pushing."

How Important Is It?

This slogan has been a lifeline for me. I was a grievous control freak when I came into Al-Anon. I micro-managed all aspects of my life, and tried to do the same to the alcoholics, my friends, my coworkers, my neighbours... I had the most well-trained dog of anyone I knew. (At the time, I felt very proud of that fact. Now, I see it somewhat differently; now, I don't consider it vitally important that my dogs leap to obey my every command at once. These days, as long as they have some manners, and are reasonably well-behaved, I can allow them to be dogs, and do those mysterious canine things they do - such as: each spring, sample a slug, just to see if it really is as distasteful as it proved to be last year.)

This slogan has helped me put life into perspective. My first sponsor used to ask - would I even remember whatever it was I was so fussed over, a month from now? Six months? A year? The answer always seemed to be.....no, I wouldn't. So, How Important Is It?

In retrospect, I can see that I was unable to assign various levels of importance, everything mattered equally. This makes for high anxiety, if every choice, every decision, is seen as "life and death."

How Important Is It? Most of the time, not very. Apart from the few serious choices we must make in life, most choices are of lesser importance than we might believe at the time. Most of my choices have been, anyway.

I like to ask my sponsees, "Are you going to be lying on your deathbed wishing you'd chosen differently in this matter?" This question usually provokes a startled look, and then laughter, it's so silly when framed that way.

The Power of Language.

From Hope for Today, page 126:

"When I first heard the slogans at Al-Anon meetings, I considered them to be trite little cliches that couldn't possibly help anybody. they were far too simple to work, and I was far too sceptical to even attempt them. Then it dawned on me that had been using my own slogans all my life. Unfortunately, they were slogans of non-recovery. I'd said many of them daily, and I had grown up hearing most of them from alcoholic relatives. They included "you should know how I feel", "after all I've done for you", "if you really loved me", "damned if you do, damned if you don't", and "I hope you're happy now."


I had my own slogans when I came into Al-Anon, one of which was the utterly depressing "Life's a bitch, and then you die." I got that from my first alcoholic, my ex. A slightly more cheerful one that I still use, came from my adopted maternal grandfather: "It's a great life if you don't weaken."

Just like the person in the above reading, at first glance, I found the slogans impossibly simple, they didn't satisfy my rather confused belief that in order to be at all meaningful, philosophy must be convoluted. I was not only sceptical, I was scornful. Luckily for me, I was also desperate, and in my desperation, clutched at the bits of program which sprang easily to mind during stressful times.

I recall many an evening spent walking my dog, and repeating the first line of the Serenity Prayer almost as a mantra: "God grant me serenity." As I attended more meetings, I began to recall the odd Slogan, and use that as one of my oft-repeated reminders to myself that I could choose another path, and change my life.

Another line I really like from today's reading in HFT:

"Today I won't discount simplicity until I give it a decent try."

Live and Let Live.

I like the phrase describing the second half of this slogan, found in one of the daily readers - "a generous tolerance."

There were many times in my early recovery, when I had to stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and remind myself of this concept, before continuing a conversation with an alcoholic. After so many years spent trying to change them, learning to develop a "generous tolerance" towards them was an idea I found problematic. I was dubious about the effectiveness of it, and I was troubled by my own internal, critical voice, getting in the way when I tried.

I had days, when all I could manage to do, was repeat the serenity prayer like a mantra, and plod through, hoping the day would come to an end before my patience was exhausted.

Much to my surprise, working to develop a "generous tolerance" toward the alcoholics, had unexpected benefits elsewhere in my life...my tolerance seemed to expand exponentially the more I practised it.

The harder I worked the second half of this slogan: "...and Let Live" the easier the first half became: "Live..." My generous tolerance began to extend to myself, and with it came an enjoyment of life I hadn't felt in a very long time. Allowing others to live as they pleased, with no advice, admonishments, criticism, or directions from me, somehow allowed me to feel freer, and less constrained about the way I lived my own life.

This slogan is shorthand for an entire philosophy of life. A "generous tolerance" is a powerful tool of Al-Anon, and like all the program tools, works best, when well-polished from daily use.