Robert and I were talking earlier today, about some of the alcoholics in our lives - whether in immediate family, or extended family, we agreed that often, they seem to be living in their own little universe, and that those of us who are not addicted, can have great difficulty understanding the thinking or the choices. He went on to joke that most alcoholics are the centre of their, and our, "soon-it's-worse."
That joke is silly, but it speaks of an unfortunate piece of reality. Alcoholism is a progressive, increasingly destructive disease, which if left untreated, will cause nerve, heart, liver, kidney, and brain damage - the list goes on endlessly. Over the ten years I was married to an active alcoholic, I watched him go from a man who could drink a 12-pack of beer and seem only moderately intoxicated, to a man who was drunk out of his mind on 6 beer, consumed over the same time period.
When I asked my doctor about this, he shook his head, and said that this was one of the signs that the alcoholic had moved into the latter stages of the disease. His body could no longer excrete the alcohol quickly, because his kidneys were no longer functioning at their previous level.
One afternoon, while I was rooting through the junk drawer in the kitchen looking for something, I found an invoice from a ambulance service. When I asked him what had happened, he refused to answer me. I phoned his best friend to ask if he knew - he told me that my first husband had started to vomit blood.
At the hospital, it was determined that he had thinning of the esophageal walls, a result of heavy alcohol consumption, and he was told if he didn't stop drinking immediately, he was courting death, that he could bleed out from one of the swollen veins in his throat before help could arrive.
He continued to drink, and I left the marriage about a year later. Almost three years ago, I was out walking my dogs, and encountered one of his daughters, now an adult with children of her own. She told me that her father was still alive, but in dreadful shape, because he was still drinking.
He was looking bad by the time I left him; I shudder to think what havoc and destruction another 26 years of drinking has wrought upon him. I pray for him, as I pray for my sister - not that they stop drinking, because that's not my job. I pray for their safety, and for my HP to bless them.
I feel enormous gratitude that Robert is not an alcoholic. Also, he has about 6 years of 12-Step experience, from the time when he was trying to quit smoking cigarettes, which he did manage to accomplish. As a result of this, he understands program principles, philosophy, and language, which makes for another area in which we are intimately connected.
I don't live with an alcoholic, both my birth parents are dead: the alcoholism in my family is my two sisters. The middle one is sober now, and the oldest is not. I have recently ended contact with my oldest sister, because I am no longer willing to subject myself to her verbal and emotional abuse. It was getting worse as her alcoholism progressed.
The last time I spoke with her, was when she called to rant and rave at me, because I'd asked her politely in a recent email to please not criticise our middle sister to me. That brought on a torrent of verbal abuse about how "people like you are so self-centered and selfish," - on and on she went, ad infinitum. I listened in astonishment for a minute or two, astounded that she would make a call and say things like that to me, when she knew I was going into hospital the very next day for the second major cancer operation, not knowing if I'd come through it, and yet she felt quite comfortable with calling to upbraid me, for setting a boundary with her.
That was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back - I prayed about it, thought about it, talked to my sponsor, Robert, and a couple of program friends, then decided that I don't need to subject myself to that level of abuse just because we're related. A friend asked would I accept that from a stranger? I said I certainly would not. She smiled and raised one eyebrow, and we laughed together.
I cut contact off by writing another courteous email to say that's what I was doing, and why, then blocked her from my email. I recently changed my phone number because my ex got my old one, and she hadn't been given that yet, so she has no way of contacting me, since she doesn't have my address, either.
I find I can lose sight of what is and isn't appropriate, possibly because I've had so much verbal abuse earlier in my life from various family members, that it can feel almost like a normal family interaction. Al-Anon is teaching me that I have choices in these matters, and blood may be thicker than water, but it does not justify abuse.
Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts
Friday, December 12, 2014
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Compassion For Those Who Do Not Understand, and For Ourselves,
Those of us who deal with active addiction have an unfortunate knowledge, not granted to those who live their lives escaping the ravages of alcoholism. I would once have considered them lucky and myself unlucky, but my years in Al-Anon have been such an enormous gift and a blessing, that I now gaze at the past with a completely altered attitude.
People who have never have a loved one struggling with alcoholism, may make off-hand comments meant only as conversation, which when we are newcomers to program, and still suffering terrible torments of mind and spirit, can slice us to our core.
I have raged and agonised over those little throw-away remarks in years past, wondering "How could they could be so light-hearted about it, so unkind, so unthinking!'
It is rarely cruelty truly meant, it is so much more often innocence of the reality with which I deal, when I love an alcoholic.
Those who are only really aware of social drinking, can have little understanding of what I may be enduring. And I didn't help matters by keeping secrets and putting on a façade of happiness and satisfaction while inwardly I felt used-up, bereft, and painfully lonely.
I have learned to have compassion for those who don't know about, deal with, or battle the effects of alcoholism on friends and families of alcoholics. I allow them to say whatever they need to say, and do my best not to take it personally. I try not to substitute their judgement for my own; when they say that "The alcoholic is bound to fail, they always do at first" I have no need to accept that as truth.
I pray to have compassion for myself, so that I also allow myself to feel my own feelings, sit with them for a while, then release them, and let them go.
When I am practising compassion, I feel more loving, more loved, and more at peace.
People who have never have a loved one struggling with alcoholism, may make off-hand comments meant only as conversation, which when we are newcomers to program, and still suffering terrible torments of mind and spirit, can slice us to our core.
I have raged and agonised over those little throw-away remarks in years past, wondering "How could they could be so light-hearted about it, so unkind, so unthinking!'
It is rarely cruelty truly meant, it is so much more often innocence of the reality with which I deal, when I love an alcoholic.
Those who are only really aware of social drinking, can have little understanding of what I may be enduring. And I didn't help matters by keeping secrets and putting on a façade of happiness and satisfaction while inwardly I felt used-up, bereft, and painfully lonely.
I have learned to have compassion for those who don't know about, deal with, or battle the effects of alcoholism on friends and families of alcoholics. I allow them to say whatever they need to say, and do my best not to take it personally. I try not to substitute their judgement for my own; when they say that "The alcoholic is bound to fail, they always do at first" I have no need to accept that as truth.
I pray to have compassion for myself, so that I also allow myself to feel my own feelings, sit with them for a while, then release them, and let them go.
When I am practising compassion, I feel more loving, more loved, and more at peace.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Taking Care of Myself
Thursday evening, around suppertime, my land line rang. I checked the display screen, and it showed the name of the area, but no specific phone number. I often get calls like this from the Cancer Centre, so I picked up the phone, without waiting to hear if the caller was going to leave a message.
A voice said, "Hi! It's (ex-husband)"
I was taken aback, my phone number is unlisted, and I am very careful about to whom I give it out; everyone knows not to give it to my ex. Last time he had my cell phone number, after I had left him, and been gone for several months, he started to call me every day.
Time and again, I had said to him, "Don't call me anymore. Call your program friends, call your sponsor, call someone else, don't call me, I don't want to talk to you. I left you because I didn't want to be with you anymore, that includes talking to you. Leave me alone!"
It was, as it always was with him, like talking to a brick wall. The next night, the phone would ring, and it would be him again. I realised the only way to stop him was to get an unlisted number, so that's what I did. I got an unlisted land line.
Somehow, 2 1/2 years after I left him, he managed to get my unlisted phone number, and called me.
I should have just hung up immediately, but I was startled, so I asked, "What do you want?" (I don't care what he wants, I want to be free of him.)
He replied, "I just called to talk."
I said firmly, "I don't want to talk to you." and hung up. Within about a half hour, I phoned my service provider, explained the situation, and asked for a new unlisted phone number. It went into effect today, and the old number is now "unassigned."
It felt thoroughly unpleasant, to know he had my unlisted phone number, and could call me any time he chose. If this happens again, and he gets my new unlisted number, I'm going to go to the police and charge him with stalking. The laws here have changed considerably with regard to stalking, and continual unwanted phone calls fall within the stalking legislation.
I was disgusted that he felt he could try to force himself back into my life in this way, but when I considered it calmly, I thought, why should anything have changed in his thinking, just because I've been gone for 2 1/2 years?
By the time I left, after 17 years, I just wanted some peace. I realised, after a couple of days in this city to which I moved, that the strange feeling I had, was the result of no-one being angry with me. At first, I had a bit of a hard time getting used to how lighthearted I felt. But as time went on, and I began to understand just what a difficult situation I'd been surviving, and how much better my life was without him in it, my joy of living started to resurface. I started to wake up happy again, ready to face another day, secure in the support of my HP.
Then, after almost a year down here, I met Robert, and thought we could be good friends, which we were, for quite some time before the relationship deepened into what it is now. Having a loving relationship with a man who treats me with respect and care, has shown me how much I was missing, living with an alcoholic who was not in recovery, and saw no need for any change on his part. My ex lied to everyone, not least of whom was himself, all while presenting himself as the soul of honesty - ironic.
I made new friends in program, and have found myself to be in a safe place.
Even with the cancer diagnosis, I am the happiest and most grateful, I've ever been in my life.
A voice said, "Hi! It's (ex-husband)"
I was taken aback, my phone number is unlisted, and I am very careful about to whom I give it out; everyone knows not to give it to my ex. Last time he had my cell phone number, after I had left him, and been gone for several months, he started to call me every day.
Time and again, I had said to him, "Don't call me anymore. Call your program friends, call your sponsor, call someone else, don't call me, I don't want to talk to you. I left you because I didn't want to be with you anymore, that includes talking to you. Leave me alone!"
It was, as it always was with him, like talking to a brick wall. The next night, the phone would ring, and it would be him again. I realised the only way to stop him was to get an unlisted number, so that's what I did. I got an unlisted land line.
Somehow, 2 1/2 years after I left him, he managed to get my unlisted phone number, and called me.
I should have just hung up immediately, but I was startled, so I asked, "What do you want?" (I don't care what he wants, I want to be free of him.)
He replied, "I just called to talk."
I said firmly, "I don't want to talk to you." and hung up. Within about a half hour, I phoned my service provider, explained the situation, and asked for a new unlisted phone number. It went into effect today, and the old number is now "unassigned."
It felt thoroughly unpleasant, to know he had my unlisted phone number, and could call me any time he chose. If this happens again, and he gets my new unlisted number, I'm going to go to the police and charge him with stalking. The laws here have changed considerably with regard to stalking, and continual unwanted phone calls fall within the stalking legislation.
I was disgusted that he felt he could try to force himself back into my life in this way, but when I considered it calmly, I thought, why should anything have changed in his thinking, just because I've been gone for 2 1/2 years?
By the time I left, after 17 years, I just wanted some peace. I realised, after a couple of days in this city to which I moved, that the strange feeling I had, was the result of no-one being angry with me. At first, I had a bit of a hard time getting used to how lighthearted I felt. But as time went on, and I began to understand just what a difficult situation I'd been surviving, and how much better my life was without him in it, my joy of living started to resurface. I started to wake up happy again, ready to face another day, secure in the support of my HP.
Then, after almost a year down here, I met Robert, and thought we could be good friends, which we were, for quite some time before the relationship deepened into what it is now. Having a loving relationship with a man who treats me with respect and care, has shown me how much I was missing, living with an alcoholic who was not in recovery, and saw no need for any change on his part. My ex lied to everyone, not least of whom was himself, all while presenting himself as the soul of honesty - ironic.
I made new friends in program, and have found myself to be in a safe place.
Even with the cancer diagnosis, I am the happiest and most grateful, I've ever been in my life.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
A Problem Is What We Make It.
This past summer, Robert and I were walking downtown in a fairly busy area, and found ourselves face-to-face with an attractive young woman. We did that little dance to one side and then the other, trying to move out of the way, yet moving in unison, so that we were still unable to pass. Almost every other time this happens, I find myself laughing with the other person, and then one of us will stop trying to get out of the way, and wave the other by, with good feeling on both sides.
This young woman became angry, we couldn't believe it. We've talked about it since, laughing that if that is a big annoying incident for her, she must be doing very well in her life. I wonder how she'd manage if she were to lose a loved one, or get diagnosed with cancer?
It took me years in Al-Anon to realise that my problems had precisely the room in my head and in my life that I gave them. I was shocked by that suggestion the first few dozen times I heard it, and then irritated and then angry - were these people trying to say that my problems were minor?
I thought them enormous, insurmountable, terrible and depressing. That was my take on them, that was my description of them, that was the amount of room I gave them in my life.
When I began in my fumbling way to try to practise gratitude, I slowly but surely discovered that I had many things in my life for which I could feel grateful. And doing that regularly, searching out the people, times and facts of my life for which I could feel nothing but gratitude, changed my attitude completely.
"How Important Is It?" became my favourite slogan, and I used it on everything over which I became upset or even slightly annoyed. My first sponsor would ask me, "Will you remember this in a week? A month? A year? Will you be lying on your deathbed thinking about it, and wishing you had handled it differently?"
I found her questions blasted my mind open to a way of living I'd never imagined. Why, I could let go of this stuff as soon as I decided to! It's my choice to decide that something may require thought or effort, but it only becomes a "problem," and only takes up room inside my head, if I choose to allow that to take place.
Let me say that another way - I may get stray thoughts flitting through my head, but I can sit quietly and watch them float by; I don't have to reach up, get a stranglehold upon them, and then spend the next two days obsessing over them.
I can watch them come and go, then turn my mind to thinking of that which gives me serenity, peace and joy. As with so much of this wonderful program, it's my choice. I do not have to give the committee of assholes any room at all inside my head. I've got the key to the lock on that door.
This young woman became angry, we couldn't believe it. We've talked about it since, laughing that if that is a big annoying incident for her, she must be doing very well in her life. I wonder how she'd manage if she were to lose a loved one, or get diagnosed with cancer?
It took me years in Al-Anon to realise that my problems had precisely the room in my head and in my life that I gave them. I was shocked by that suggestion the first few dozen times I heard it, and then irritated and then angry - were these people trying to say that my problems were minor?
I thought them enormous, insurmountable, terrible and depressing. That was my take on them, that was my description of them, that was the amount of room I gave them in my life.
When I began in my fumbling way to try to practise gratitude, I slowly but surely discovered that I had many things in my life for which I could feel grateful. And doing that regularly, searching out the people, times and facts of my life for which I could feel nothing but gratitude, changed my attitude completely.
"How Important Is It?" became my favourite slogan, and I used it on everything over which I became upset or even slightly annoyed. My first sponsor would ask me, "Will you remember this in a week? A month? A year? Will you be lying on your deathbed thinking about it, and wishing you had handled it differently?"
I found her questions blasted my mind open to a way of living I'd never imagined. Why, I could let go of this stuff as soon as I decided to! It's my choice to decide that something may require thought or effort, but it only becomes a "problem," and only takes up room inside my head, if I choose to allow that to take place.
Let me say that another way - I may get stray thoughts flitting through my head, but I can sit quietly and watch them float by; I don't have to reach up, get a stranglehold upon them, and then spend the next two days obsessing over them.
I can watch them come and go, then turn my mind to thinking of that which gives me serenity, peace and joy. As with so much of this wonderful program, it's my choice. I do not have to give the committee of assholes any room at all inside my head. I've got the key to the lock on that door.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Hair, and Sponsors.
I've always found it fascinating, the amount of money and time that our culture devotes to telling us about how our hair can be softer, bouncier, lighter, carefree, sophisticated, playful....the list is as endless as the advertisements.
I've had hair down to my butt, and I've had hair an inch long, and now I have hair about 1/8" of an inch. It was starting to fall out just a few at a time, 10 here, another 10 or so there, so I went and had my head shaved.
My sponsor and I went wig shopping last week, and found a wig which looks very much the way my own hair does. Dark brown with a bit of grey through it. Wigs have come a long way in terms of looking natural, even when they are 100 acrylic. My sponsor and I had a great time in the wig shop, trying on Dolly Parton look-alikes, and all sorts of strange colors and styles, and laughing ourselves silly. We even got the saleslady into it after a while, she was picking out some hilarious styles for me to try and then the three of us would stagger around the shop in giggling fits, with the saleslady never getting past saying more than a gentle, "Oh dear, I think that's not you!" while my sponsor was more upfront, at one point making me howl by saying firmly, "That's hurting my eyes, you need to take that one off."
I went wig shopping with my sponsor because I knew it would be fun with her. I'm not terribly broken up by my hair loss, I don't love it, but I'd rather laugh than cry, since it's part and parcel of the chemo I'm getting. By shaving my head early into the process, I gained a little control, and that felt good.
Wig-shopping with my sponsor was a pleasure. I feel completely safe with her, I can relax completely, say exactly what I'm thinking, and get good honest loving feedback. And lots of laughs. Just thinking about her brings a smile to my face; she's great fun, and excellent company. My first sponsor down here was wonderful while we were in that relationship, and I feel a heartfelt gratitude for all of the help and support she gave to me, and now we are friends, and talk on the phone once in a while. We've talked about what happened, she's apologised, and I hold no grudge or bad feelings about it, but it did affect my ability to trust her, and it was time for a new sponsor. So it goes.
I was just incredibly lucky enough to know someone who I wanted to be my new sponsor, and she accepted. A good sponsor is a friend, a confidante, and for those of us who are long-time members of this program, a lovingly honest reality check. I can write her an email about exactly what's going through my head, and she will hear me, validate my feelings, then offer her ideas. And because I love and respect and admire her, I'm completely openminded to the way she sees it. Already, in the short time we've been sponsor-sponsee, she's been a comfort and a help in ways too many to enumerate.
A sponsor is a gift we give to ourselves in this marvellous program.
I've had hair down to my butt, and I've had hair an inch long, and now I have hair about 1/8" of an inch. It was starting to fall out just a few at a time, 10 here, another 10 or so there, so I went and had my head shaved.
My sponsor and I went wig shopping last week, and found a wig which looks very much the way my own hair does. Dark brown with a bit of grey through it. Wigs have come a long way in terms of looking natural, even when they are 100 acrylic. My sponsor and I had a great time in the wig shop, trying on Dolly Parton look-alikes, and all sorts of strange colors and styles, and laughing ourselves silly. We even got the saleslady into it after a while, she was picking out some hilarious styles for me to try and then the three of us would stagger around the shop in giggling fits, with the saleslady never getting past saying more than a gentle, "Oh dear, I think that's not you!" while my sponsor was more upfront, at one point making me howl by saying firmly, "That's hurting my eyes, you need to take that one off."
I went wig shopping with my sponsor because I knew it would be fun with her. I'm not terribly broken up by my hair loss, I don't love it, but I'd rather laugh than cry, since it's part and parcel of the chemo I'm getting. By shaving my head early into the process, I gained a little control, and that felt good.
Wig-shopping with my sponsor was a pleasure. I feel completely safe with her, I can relax completely, say exactly what I'm thinking, and get good honest loving feedback. And lots of laughs. Just thinking about her brings a smile to my face; she's great fun, and excellent company. My first sponsor down here was wonderful while we were in that relationship, and I feel a heartfelt gratitude for all of the help and support she gave to me, and now we are friends, and talk on the phone once in a while. We've talked about what happened, she's apologised, and I hold no grudge or bad feelings about it, but it did affect my ability to trust her, and it was time for a new sponsor. So it goes.
I was just incredibly lucky enough to know someone who I wanted to be my new sponsor, and she accepted. A good sponsor is a friend, a confidante, and for those of us who are long-time members of this program, a lovingly honest reality check. I can write her an email about exactly what's going through my head, and she will hear me, validate my feelings, then offer her ideas. And because I love and respect and admire her, I'm completely openminded to the way she sees it. Already, in the short time we've been sponsor-sponsee, she's been a comfort and a help in ways too many to enumerate.
A sponsor is a gift we give to ourselves in this marvellous program.
Monday, January 20, 2014
When LIfe, or Other People's Choices, Cause Us Pain.
One aspect of life about which I felt the most resistance, growing up, and to be honest, for many years into adulthood, is defined with utter clarity in the cry we hear from children: "It's not fair!"
Too right, life isn't fair. My most recent personal experience of this was meeting, becoming friends with, and falling in love with Robert, only to have three blissful months with him in delight and joy before receiving a diagnosis of cancer.
It was the first time in many years that I had felt that instinctive resistance and frustrated anger about the unfairness of life - how could it be that I could meet the love of my life, this wonderful intelligent caring, witty, enjoyable, decent man, and be loved by him in return, only to have such a thing happen so soon into our relationship? I spent about 24 hours filled with a towering fury at the unfairness of it - we were both in our mid-50's, and for each of us, this time together has been the culmination of all desires and wishes long thought unfillable. How could this be happening? After that day spent sick with rage and resentment, I realised that I had a choice, I could either hold onto that old feeling, or I could open my heart and mind and let it go, turn it over to my Higher Power. If I didn't, I would destroy the very peace, humour and satisfaction of our relationship.
I made a conscious choice to let go of my sense of life's unfairness in this instance, because I have worked for 29 years to learn to live in peace and serenity, rather than suffer the ravages of a life lived with fear and anger as my constant companions.
There will also be times in my life when those I love may make a choice which may cause me great pain. A friend may become angry with me for whatever reason, a family member may want something from me that I'm not willing or able to give without trampling my own boundaries. I cannot change them. I can only choose to allow myself to feel my feelings, and then make my own choice, to release them, to turn them, and my life, over to my Higher Power. I have never felt comfort arising from resentment, rage or fear - I've only repeatedly tormented myself with thoughts filled with frustration and anger.
I want peace, and I know what I must do to achieve it, I must LET IT All GO. Everything. I must accept my own powerlessness, and ask my Higher Power for comfort and serenity. With serenity, I can accept that life isn't fair, and have a good life in spite of that truth.
Too right, life isn't fair. My most recent personal experience of this was meeting, becoming friends with, and falling in love with Robert, only to have three blissful months with him in delight and joy before receiving a diagnosis of cancer.
It was the first time in many years that I had felt that instinctive resistance and frustrated anger about the unfairness of life - how could it be that I could meet the love of my life, this wonderful intelligent caring, witty, enjoyable, decent man, and be loved by him in return, only to have such a thing happen so soon into our relationship? I spent about 24 hours filled with a towering fury at the unfairness of it - we were both in our mid-50's, and for each of us, this time together has been the culmination of all desires and wishes long thought unfillable. How could this be happening? After that day spent sick with rage and resentment, I realised that I had a choice, I could either hold onto that old feeling, or I could open my heart and mind and let it go, turn it over to my Higher Power. If I didn't, I would destroy the very peace, humour and satisfaction of our relationship.
I made a conscious choice to let go of my sense of life's unfairness in this instance, because I have worked for 29 years to learn to live in peace and serenity, rather than suffer the ravages of a life lived with fear and anger as my constant companions.
There will also be times in my life when those I love may make a choice which may cause me great pain. A friend may become angry with me for whatever reason, a family member may want something from me that I'm not willing or able to give without trampling my own boundaries. I cannot change them. I can only choose to allow myself to feel my feelings, and then make my own choice, to release them, to turn them, and my life, over to my Higher Power. I have never felt comfort arising from resentment, rage or fear - I've only repeatedly tormented myself with thoughts filled with frustration and anger.
I want peace, and I know what I must do to achieve it, I must LET IT All GO. Everything. I must accept my own powerlessness, and ask my Higher Power for comfort and serenity. With serenity, I can accept that life isn't fair, and have a good life in spite of that truth.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Second Opinion
When I worked in police Victim Services, I was told during training, "When you go out on a call, never ignore your gut instinct. Don't try to talk yourself out of it. If you get a weird, uncomfortable, or anxious feeling in a situation, make an excuse, and leave immediately. Pay attention to your feelings. These things don't happen for no reason; that instinct twisting your stomach into a knot is originating somewhere, you aren't imagining it, you're picking something up, whether or not you are able to articulate just what that something may be. Get out of there!"
Working with that wisdom, I finally stopped trying to talk myself out of the discomfort I was feeling about the first surgeon I saw regarding my cancer. I'd been trying to rationalise and dismiss my bad feelings for a few weeks before I remembered that training talk, and thought, "I'm getting this feeling for a reason." I called my GP and asked for a second opinion.
I went on Monday to see the new surgeon, and both Robert and I liked him immediately. He was calm, relaxed, had studied my file, (unlike the first surgeon, who couldn't even tell me if the cancer had metastasized without looking up my file on his computer, it didn't occur to him that I might care to have that information, strangely enough) made eye contact with me, answered every question I had (and I had many unanswered questions from my 3 meetings with the first surgeon) and didn't give me that same feeling of wanting to get me out of the office as quickly as possible, so as to go on to the next appointment. After the physical exam, he said that he believed the cancer to be of an earlier stage, (he's been in his specialty for many years, with an excellent reputation) and he didn't believe I needed either radiation, or the radical surgery I'd been told was necessary to save my life.
So I've been spared pre-operative radiation, and the surgery I'm facing on Dec 5th will be as minimal as possible, to achieve the desired results.
Talking with Robert afterwards, we agreed that this guy inspires confidence, and we're feeling much less frightened by the prospect of surgery.
I've slept better since then, as well.
When I realised that I was once again trying to talk myself out of my gut instinct, I said a quiet prayer of thanks for all the wisdom that has been so generously shared with me over the years, both in program and outside.
May you have a pleasing and serene day, I know I'm going to.
Working with that wisdom, I finally stopped trying to talk myself out of the discomfort I was feeling about the first surgeon I saw regarding my cancer. I'd been trying to rationalise and dismiss my bad feelings for a few weeks before I remembered that training talk, and thought, "I'm getting this feeling for a reason." I called my GP and asked for a second opinion.
I went on Monday to see the new surgeon, and both Robert and I liked him immediately. He was calm, relaxed, had studied my file, (unlike the first surgeon, who couldn't even tell me if the cancer had metastasized without looking up my file on his computer, it didn't occur to him that I might care to have that information, strangely enough) made eye contact with me, answered every question I had (and I had many unanswered questions from my 3 meetings with the first surgeon) and didn't give me that same feeling of wanting to get me out of the office as quickly as possible, so as to go on to the next appointment. After the physical exam, he said that he believed the cancer to be of an earlier stage, (he's been in his specialty for many years, with an excellent reputation) and he didn't believe I needed either radiation, or the radical surgery I'd been told was necessary to save my life.
So I've been spared pre-operative radiation, and the surgery I'm facing on Dec 5th will be as minimal as possible, to achieve the desired results.
Talking with Robert afterwards, we agreed that this guy inspires confidence, and we're feeling much less frightened by the prospect of surgery.
I've slept better since then, as well.
When I realised that I was once again trying to talk myself out of my gut instinct, I said a quiet prayer of thanks for all the wisdom that has been so generously shared with me over the years, both in program and outside.
May you have a pleasing and serene day, I know I'm going to.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
One Year Ago - Taking That Leap of Faith
When, exactly one year ago today, I decided to leave my marriage of 17 years, I chose to move back to this small capital city (where I lived for many years before my marriage,) in which I've always felt at home.
I recall when I first saw it, at the end of a long weekend spent with good friends at a beach about 4 hours drive north - I was enchanted by the old buildings, the small size, and the feeling that I'd finally found that for which I'd been searching during all the many moves from one place to another - a city to call home. My love for it has never wavered, and during the years of my marriage, when we always lived somewhere else, at the insistence of my ex-husband, I felt a never-ending longing to return to this city; it has been my home whether I've lived here or elsewhere.
So much has changed in this first year of being single again after so many long years spent trying to make a marriage with a sober-but-not-in-recovery alcoholic work. I entered that marriage with a great naivete, believing that because he'd been sober for 8 years when we met, he was "cured." I was disabused of that notion pretty quickly, but lived in hope for a long time. It was only when I was reeling from the sudden illness and death of my beloved friend that I was able to admit to myself, my Higher Power and another human being - friends in program - that I had given all to that relationship that I was willing to give. I was finally able to admit to myself just how abusive he was to me, and that he had no interest in changing or improving the way he behaved.
If there was going to be change, it was only going to come from and through me. When I asked for guidance, what I received was the feeling that it was my destiny to move on in my life without him, to strike out on my own.
So I gave two dear friends some of my possessions to keep for me, loaded up my car, and drove home to this clean and lovely city beside the sea. One year ago at 10:50pm, I was sitting in the kitchen of a local Transition House, speaking to a counsellor about the many years of verbal and emotional abuse I'd suffered in that marriage. I'd spent so much time and effort minimising, that it was hard to hear some of that behavior labelled "abusive" but with a little time and distance, I was able to admit the true depths of my unhappiness.
I was out on my own for about 4-5 months before I one day realised that in that marriage, I'd always felt like a bad person.
I spent many months working a very intense fourth step about the marriage, with my new sponsor, who incidentally was at my very first Al-Anon meeting 28 years ago. We worked though a lot of old guilt and old feelings that I think were the reason I stayed so long with a man who treated me so poorly. He was, like many unrecovered alcoholics, an expert manipulator, and guilt was his main weapon. As I once heard an old AA guy say, "The rocks in his head fit the holes in mine."
I loved living alone, the peace and serenity of it was balm to my soul, and I became ever closer to my Higher Power. About two months ago, I met a wonderful man, and we began as friends, sitting drinking tea and talking, talking, talking for hours about everything and anything, and laughing. He has program experience, a very 12-Step attitude to life, and a powerful gratitude, which is very attractive to me. It became clear fairly quickly that something more than friendship was growing between us, and I can still be amazed by the acceptance I feel for, and from, him. We get along astoundingly well, and the time spent in his company is a gift and a pleasure. He made my birthday 4 days ago the best birthday I've had in a very long time; we went out to dinner with my sponsor, and had a wonderful time eating and laughing and enjoying each other.
I feel a comfort in his presence, and he brings me great joy with his humour and his loving gentle ways. It's a wonder, to be in love at my age of 56, and in love with a decent man I can respect and trust. God has been so good to me, all I had to do was listen for his guidance, and then follow it by taking that leap of faith out into the unknown, believing that I would be looked after. Life is good.
I recall when I first saw it, at the end of a long weekend spent with good friends at a beach about 4 hours drive north - I was enchanted by the old buildings, the small size, and the feeling that I'd finally found that for which I'd been searching during all the many moves from one place to another - a city to call home. My love for it has never wavered, and during the years of my marriage, when we always lived somewhere else, at the insistence of my ex-husband, I felt a never-ending longing to return to this city; it has been my home whether I've lived here or elsewhere.
So much has changed in this first year of being single again after so many long years spent trying to make a marriage with a sober-but-not-in-recovery alcoholic work. I entered that marriage with a great naivete, believing that because he'd been sober for 8 years when we met, he was "cured." I was disabused of that notion pretty quickly, but lived in hope for a long time. It was only when I was reeling from the sudden illness and death of my beloved friend that I was able to admit to myself, my Higher Power and another human being - friends in program - that I had given all to that relationship that I was willing to give. I was finally able to admit to myself just how abusive he was to me, and that he had no interest in changing or improving the way he behaved.
If there was going to be change, it was only going to come from and through me. When I asked for guidance, what I received was the feeling that it was my destiny to move on in my life without him, to strike out on my own.
So I gave two dear friends some of my possessions to keep for me, loaded up my car, and drove home to this clean and lovely city beside the sea. One year ago at 10:50pm, I was sitting in the kitchen of a local Transition House, speaking to a counsellor about the many years of verbal and emotional abuse I'd suffered in that marriage. I'd spent so much time and effort minimising, that it was hard to hear some of that behavior labelled "abusive" but with a little time and distance, I was able to admit the true depths of my unhappiness.
I was out on my own for about 4-5 months before I one day realised that in that marriage, I'd always felt like a bad person.
I spent many months working a very intense fourth step about the marriage, with my new sponsor, who incidentally was at my very first Al-Anon meeting 28 years ago. We worked though a lot of old guilt and old feelings that I think were the reason I stayed so long with a man who treated me so poorly. He was, like many unrecovered alcoholics, an expert manipulator, and guilt was his main weapon. As I once heard an old AA guy say, "The rocks in his head fit the holes in mine."
I loved living alone, the peace and serenity of it was balm to my soul, and I became ever closer to my Higher Power. About two months ago, I met a wonderful man, and we began as friends, sitting drinking tea and talking, talking, talking for hours about everything and anything, and laughing. He has program experience, a very 12-Step attitude to life, and a powerful gratitude, which is very attractive to me. It became clear fairly quickly that something more than friendship was growing between us, and I can still be amazed by the acceptance I feel for, and from, him. We get along astoundingly well, and the time spent in his company is a gift and a pleasure. He made my birthday 4 days ago the best birthday I've had in a very long time; we went out to dinner with my sponsor, and had a wonderful time eating and laughing and enjoying each other.
I feel a comfort in his presence, and he brings me great joy with his humour and his loving gentle ways. It's a wonder, to be in love at my age of 56, and in love with a decent man I can respect and trust. God has been so good to me, all I had to do was listen for his guidance, and then follow it by taking that leap of faith out into the unknown, believing that I would be looked after. Life is good.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Your Body Is Trying To Get Your Attention.
When I was last at my doctor, we were discussing sleep, and getting, or not getting, enough. What is enough? Enough for me, is an amount that allows me to awaken naturally, rather than being blasted out of sleep with the alarm. When the alarm wakens me, I feel instant resistance, I don't want to get up. Even if I've set it the night before so that I may meet my obligations, and even as I'm getting out of bed, I'm thinking to myself that I hate getting up early.
It's all to do with feeling forced. When I awaken naturally, I feel as though I've had enough sleep. When the alarm pushes its way into my brain and brings me forcibly to the surface, to wakefulness, my entire system revolts. I try to get up at the same time every day to keep some structure in my life, but that requires retiring to bed the night before, sufficiently early that I will sleep long enough to do so.
When my normal system is interrupted, it's always because I'm struggling with something which interferes with my serenity to such a point that I cannot go to sleep.
My body is always the first sentinel warning me of lapses in my serenity. I get vague headaches, and my eating habits slide, and all because of my mental state. When I ignore these changes in my usual habits, I ignore myself.
My body is the temple of my spirit, and as such, it deserves respect.
It's all to do with feeling forced. When I awaken naturally, I feel as though I've had enough sleep. When the alarm pushes its way into my brain and brings me forcibly to the surface, to wakefulness, my entire system revolts. I try to get up at the same time every day to keep some structure in my life, but that requires retiring to bed the night before, sufficiently early that I will sleep long enough to do so.
When my normal system is interrupted, it's always because I'm struggling with something which interferes with my serenity to such a point that I cannot go to sleep.
My body is always the first sentinel warning me of lapses in my serenity. I get vague headaches, and my eating habits slide, and all because of my mental state. When I ignore these changes in my usual habits, I ignore myself.
My body is the temple of my spirit, and as such, it deserves respect.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Accepting What Is.
This past Saturday, I had a 3-hour meeting with my husband. My guilt for leaving had been consuming me, and when I awoke that morning and received the urging from my Higher Power to do this, I trusted, and I put my faith in the belief I needed the meeting for myself.
We sat in my car and talked, and I felt a loving compassion for his suffering, but also, I was forcibly reminded of the reasons I chose to leave the marriage.
I won't live that circumscribed life with the alcoholic ego. I'd forgotten in my guilt, how impossible it is to connect with a human being who cannot set themselves aside for even a moment to consider another. His dial is set to "me" not "us" and it has always been, I was in denial.
I felt, and feel, a sorrow for us both, that we could not find a way to make the marriage work, at the same time as I feel a powerful gratitude to have gotten out. He has his path, and I have mine, I wish for him that he finds self-realisation in AA, and can move into the next stage of recovery.
We sat in my car and talked, and I felt a loving compassion for his suffering, but also, I was forcibly reminded of the reasons I chose to leave the marriage.
I won't live that circumscribed life with the alcoholic ego. I'd forgotten in my guilt, how impossible it is to connect with a human being who cannot set themselves aside for even a moment to consider another. His dial is set to "me" not "us" and it has always been, I was in denial.
I felt, and feel, a sorrow for us both, that we could not find a way to make the marriage work, at the same time as I feel a powerful gratitude to have gotten out. He has his path, and I have mine, I wish for him that he finds self-realisation in AA, and can move into the next stage of recovery.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
On Becoming Whole Again.
Driving home after an Al-Anon meeting tonight, I was thinking that I have been married for the last seventeen and a half years, to an alcoholic with a very large personality. An extrovert, skilled at "schmoozing" - that level of social conversation where nothing of any importance is expressed, but the people involved can sound like great friends, if one doesn't know any better.
What I'm discovering, this last month or so of being on my own, is that people respond to me very differently now that his personality is no longer taking up all the space in the room, eclipsing mine.
In the short time I've been down here on my own, I've been told quite a few times that I have a calm, accepting presence, and that people feel safe with me. That's good for my self-esteem.
Those people might have reconsidered the "calm" part had they seen me last night. I'd turned off all the lights, and was walking towards the bathroom, to wash my face, and brush my teeth before bed. Somehow, I misjudged, and walked straight into the door jamb with my nose - instant agony! I imagine that's just how it feels to be punched in the nose.
My very first thought was "Smart move!" said to myself in a sarcastic fashion.
Even in the midst of my pain, I knew that I was being offered a life lesson. Had I seen anyone else, friend or complete stranger, have that accident, I'd have leapt to help them, asking, "Are you okay? Do you need to sit down? Can I get you a glass of water, or a cold cloth?" Yet for myself, I had only a sarcastic comment. Even as I clutched my face and leaned against the wall, groaning, I decided to treat myself the way I'd treat any other person, asking, "Do I need to sit down, a cold cloth, or a glass of water?"
I gave it a moment's thought as the pain in my face began to subside, and chose the cold cloth, in an effort to gain relief from the pain and possible swelling. Today, you'd never know I did that to my poor nose last night, but the lesson in self-esteem, and treating myself with kindness, has stayed with me. I spend the most time in my own company - doesn't it make sense to treat myself with loving kindness and acceptance"?
What I'm discovering, this last month or so of being on my own, is that people respond to me very differently now that his personality is no longer taking up all the space in the room, eclipsing mine.
In the short time I've been down here on my own, I've been told quite a few times that I have a calm, accepting presence, and that people feel safe with me. That's good for my self-esteem.
Those people might have reconsidered the "calm" part had they seen me last night. I'd turned off all the lights, and was walking towards the bathroom, to wash my face, and brush my teeth before bed. Somehow, I misjudged, and walked straight into the door jamb with my nose - instant agony! I imagine that's just how it feels to be punched in the nose.
My very first thought was "Smart move!" said to myself in a sarcastic fashion.
Even in the midst of my pain, I knew that I was being offered a life lesson. Had I seen anyone else, friend or complete stranger, have that accident, I'd have leapt to help them, asking, "Are you okay? Do you need to sit down? Can I get you a glass of water, or a cold cloth?" Yet for myself, I had only a sarcastic comment. Even as I clutched my face and leaned against the wall, groaning, I decided to treat myself the way I'd treat any other person, asking, "Do I need to sit down, a cold cloth, or a glass of water?"
I gave it a moment's thought as the pain in my face began to subside, and chose the cold cloth, in an effort to gain relief from the pain and possible swelling. Today, you'd never know I did that to my poor nose last night, but the lesson in self-esteem, and treating myself with kindness, has stayed with me. I spend the most time in my own company - doesn't it make sense to treat myself with loving kindness and acceptance"?
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Life Changes.
I"m going to be offline for a while, as I have decided to leave the alcoholic and my marriage of 17 years. It hasn't been an easy decision, but I believe it's the right one for me. I'll post on this blog again as soon as I get the time. Take care, all.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
A New Point Of View.
When we can laugh at our character defects, rather than find them embarassing or shameful, we have reached a jumping-off place in our spiritual growth. If we have the faith and trust to take the leap, we will be amazed to discover how joyful everyday life can be.
I asked my HP to remove the awful judgemental attitude I had towards other people, but first I'd had to ask to have that same judgement about myself removed. When I stopped condemning myself for my human frailties, I was moving towards a state of mind that was incomprehensible to me before then. I did not know, believe, or even dimly understand that I would feel my HP's love for me, and through that, find my own love for myself. I did as I was instructed by Al-Anon and my sponsor, and reaped rewards far beyond what I was able to imagine at the time.
We don't have to believe it will work, in order for it to work, we have only to try it and see. I don't need to understand gravity in order for my physical self to be governed by it. In the same way, I don't need to understand 12-Step principles in order for my life to be immeasurably enriched by them, if only I practise them. The understanding, the belief, that comes later. You'll never know if you don't try.
Give it a whirl - time is passing either way.
I asked my HP to remove the awful judgemental attitude I had towards other people, but first I'd had to ask to have that same judgement about myself removed. When I stopped condemning myself for my human frailties, I was moving towards a state of mind that was incomprehensible to me before then. I did not know, believe, or even dimly understand that I would feel my HP's love for me, and through that, find my own love for myself. I did as I was instructed by Al-Anon and my sponsor, and reaped rewards far beyond what I was able to imagine at the time.
We don't have to believe it will work, in order for it to work, we have only to try it and see. I don't need to understand gravity in order for my physical self to be governed by it. In the same way, I don't need to understand 12-Step principles in order for my life to be immeasurably enriched by them, if only I practise them. The understanding, the belief, that comes later. You'll never know if you don't try.
Give it a whirl - time is passing either way.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Common Denominators - Quixotic & Querulous.
Great word, quixotic; my dictionary defines it as: "impulsive and often rashly unpredictable." and "querulous" is defined as: "full of complaints; complaining."
Both accurate descriptions of who I was when I was new to Al-Anon. I would be swept by an emotion - fear, or anger - act whilst in the heat of emotion, without stopping to consider the potential outcomes, and then later, when faced with the results of my rash decisions, I would complain. To anyone and everyone. In detail, at great length, and with no understanding of the reality that I'd once again put myself into an untenable position.
It can be painful, lonely, or just uncomfortable to "sit with a feeling," and many of us in Al-Anon will do just about anything to avoid this. In this way we are akin to the alcoholics, who douse their feelings with the anesthetising effect of alcohol - we often use action of some sort to relieve or escape our feelings.
I have learned in 12-Step, to use actions which don't compound the problem. Instead of staying and provoking an argument, I will go for a long fast walk with the dogs, work in the garden, clean house, do something requiring a fair bit of physical effort - this works for me, calms me down, and allows me to vent my feelings harmlessly. I don't make decisions when I'm upset or annoyed, because I've learned that I don't have good judgement at those times. It may feel immensely satisfying to behave immaturely, but it doesn't last, and I don't want to be creating any more wreckage in my life. I want to behave with dignity, maturity and compassion. This requires that I be willing to feel my feelings, and wait out my own emotional response.
I'm no longer a champion complainer, because in order to complain, I had to be willing to view myself as a victim. I don't see myself that way anymore. I know I have choices in some areas, and no control in many others; that knowledge simplifies my life.
Today, I love myself enough not to act foolishly in order to avoid my feelings. I love others enough not to subject them to hours of complaint.
Both accurate descriptions of who I was when I was new to Al-Anon. I would be swept by an emotion - fear, or anger - act whilst in the heat of emotion, without stopping to consider the potential outcomes, and then later, when faced with the results of my rash decisions, I would complain. To anyone and everyone. In detail, at great length, and with no understanding of the reality that I'd once again put myself into an untenable position.
It can be painful, lonely, or just uncomfortable to "sit with a feeling," and many of us in Al-Anon will do just about anything to avoid this. In this way we are akin to the alcoholics, who douse their feelings with the anesthetising effect of alcohol - we often use action of some sort to relieve or escape our feelings.
I have learned in 12-Step, to use actions which don't compound the problem. Instead of staying and provoking an argument, I will go for a long fast walk with the dogs, work in the garden, clean house, do something requiring a fair bit of physical effort - this works for me, calms me down, and allows me to vent my feelings harmlessly. I don't make decisions when I'm upset or annoyed, because I've learned that I don't have good judgement at those times. It may feel immensely satisfying to behave immaturely, but it doesn't last, and I don't want to be creating any more wreckage in my life. I want to behave with dignity, maturity and compassion. This requires that I be willing to feel my feelings, and wait out my own emotional response.
I'm no longer a champion complainer, because in order to complain, I had to be willing to view myself as a victim. I don't see myself that way anymore. I know I have choices in some areas, and no control in many others; that knowledge simplifies my life.
Today, I love myself enough not to act foolishly in order to avoid my feelings. I love others enough not to subject them to hours of complaint.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Recognising Our Own Patterns of Behavior.
Last night we had friends over for dinner, one of whom brings his beautiful springer spaniel. After dinner, we were sitting around the fire, and we watched as his dog picked up a stuffed rabbit, and headed off down the hall, in that mysteriously purposeful way dogs have, even indoors. We asked, "Where's he going?"
Our friend answered, from where he was sprawled in the depths of a chair, "He likes to snoop."
That got us talking about dog behavior, trying to figure out why our little female dog won't share any of her toys with our male dog, yet his dog can walk into our house and do whatever he pleases, even with her favourite toy, a small stuffed rabbit. If this rabbit gets mislaid, falls to the floor and gets kicked under the couch, she cannot rest until it's retrieved. She comes home from a walk, and runs to make sure it's still safely on the couch where she left it. Yet our friend's dog can walk up and pull it from right under her nose, and she will watch, unconcerned. It can be squeaking non-stop under his vigorous chewing, and she will fall happily asleep on my lap.
But just let our male dog try to wander over and have a little sniff of this rabbit, and she'll leap to correct him with a loud snap! barely missing his nose. Our friend joked that he has enough trouble trying to figure himself out, he's given up trying to figure out the dog.
Later on last night, I was thinking about trying to figure ourselves out, and how intensely difficult that can be, when we have no guidance, or understanding; how pride will always manage to convince us that we don't need to do any changing, because hey, we're fine as we are, right? It's someone else's fault that we aren't happy.
Today, I was reading in the Al-Anon ODAT, page 296:
"The search for self-understanding is a difficult if not impossible, thing to achieve fully. But we can learn a lot about ourselves if we have the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions. We can, if we don't allow uneasy guilt feelings to obscure our good qualities, which we must recognise and build upon."
"...the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions." Time and again, what I hear from sponsees, when they get to this point in the process, is: "It's so hard!" And I reply, "Yes, it is hard. It's excruciatingly painful, like peeling a few layers of skin off without anaesthetic. But if you keep going, if you are willing to do this, on the other side, it's freedom, it's a blessing, it's a gift."
I had to be willing to say to that prideful self, that angry fearful self - "Enough. I've had enough of you being in control here - I want something different." I thought that humility was humiliation, and that it was kind of nutty to be always wanting to be more humble. But the more I work this program, the more willing I am to be wrong, to be mistaken, to accept that I have screwed up one more time, and I've been "deceiving myself with evasions" - when I see that again, and am willing to accept it, make an amend, and work to free myself of that pride, that lack of humility, my daily life, each chance I am offered to become more loving, and to share that love with others, it's impossible to describe the feeling - we have to take it on trust, when we're new, because we can't picture it at all.
I started out in Al-Anon, believing that I hated people - truly, I feared them, and my pride was propping up that shaky fearful self in an attempt to project something that other people would respect. I don't fear people the way I once did. I want to be loving, to give love and compassion, give whatever comfort and support I can, to be a conduit of God's love. That is truly the best way I can imagine living, and it's so far removed from what I once would have considered success ... not even on the same planet. The joy I have received from this, I can't even describe to you. Joy, peace, and humility - that's my serenity, and I have received it all through this wonderful program for living.
Our friend answered, from where he was sprawled in the depths of a chair, "He likes to snoop."
That got us talking about dog behavior, trying to figure out why our little female dog won't share any of her toys with our male dog, yet his dog can walk into our house and do whatever he pleases, even with her favourite toy, a small stuffed rabbit. If this rabbit gets mislaid, falls to the floor and gets kicked under the couch, she cannot rest until it's retrieved. She comes home from a walk, and runs to make sure it's still safely on the couch where she left it. Yet our friend's dog can walk up and pull it from right under her nose, and she will watch, unconcerned. It can be squeaking non-stop under his vigorous chewing, and she will fall happily asleep on my lap.
But just let our male dog try to wander over and have a little sniff of this rabbit, and she'll leap to correct him with a loud snap! barely missing his nose. Our friend joked that he has enough trouble trying to figure himself out, he's given up trying to figure out the dog.
Later on last night, I was thinking about trying to figure ourselves out, and how intensely difficult that can be, when we have no guidance, or understanding; how pride will always manage to convince us that we don't need to do any changing, because hey, we're fine as we are, right? It's someone else's fault that we aren't happy.
Today, I was reading in the Al-Anon ODAT, page 296:
"The search for self-understanding is a difficult if not impossible, thing to achieve fully. But we can learn a lot about ourselves if we have the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions. We can, if we don't allow uneasy guilt feelings to obscure our good qualities, which we must recognise and build upon."
"...the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions." Time and again, what I hear from sponsees, when they get to this point in the process, is: "It's so hard!" And I reply, "Yes, it is hard. It's excruciatingly painful, like peeling a few layers of skin off without anaesthetic. But if you keep going, if you are willing to do this, on the other side, it's freedom, it's a blessing, it's a gift."
I had to be willing to say to that prideful self, that angry fearful self - "Enough. I've had enough of you being in control here - I want something different." I thought that humility was humiliation, and that it was kind of nutty to be always wanting to be more humble. But the more I work this program, the more willing I am to be wrong, to be mistaken, to accept that I have screwed up one more time, and I've been "deceiving myself with evasions" - when I see that again, and am willing to accept it, make an amend, and work to free myself of that pride, that lack of humility, my daily life, each chance I am offered to become more loving, and to share that love with others, it's impossible to describe the feeling - we have to take it on trust, when we're new, because we can't picture it at all.
I started out in Al-Anon, believing that I hated people - truly, I feared them, and my pride was propping up that shaky fearful self in an attempt to project something that other people would respect. I don't fear people the way I once did. I want to be loving, to give love and compassion, give whatever comfort and support I can, to be a conduit of God's love. That is truly the best way I can imagine living, and it's so far removed from what I once would have considered success ... not even on the same planet. The joy I have received from this, I can't even describe to you. Joy, peace, and humility - that's my serenity, and I have received it all through this wonderful program for living.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Do Your Own Research
When we moved into this house, it was the first time in twenty years or so that I'd had to deal with an oil furnace. We've had every other kind of heat imaginable, but not oil. One night shortly after moving in, I was out for coffee with friends after a meeting, and the topic of home heating came up, and I asked if the fuel companies offered equal payment plans, since a full tank of furnace oil can be costly. I was assured by everyone at the table that they may have done at one time, but didn't any longer, for whatever reason. I thought that strange, since the hydro and natural gas companies offer this service, but shrugged it off, and it slipped my mind.
When I decided weeks later to find out for myself, I discovered that they do offer this service. Now had you been with me at that table, you might have been momentarily convinced, as I was, that the opposite was true, so firmly was it stated. This is an aspect of human nature that I've always found utterly fascinating - we are never so convinced of our rightness, as when we are wrong.
My husband and I were trying to recall the name of something the other day, and he kept stating with great firmness, "It begins with a "C", I know that." Of course, when I finally went and looked it up, it didn't. We had a wonderful giggling fit over that one, and how convinced he'd been that he was right about the first letter, even if he couldn't remember the word itself.
I think what's going on when we speak so deteminedly about whatever it is that we don't know for certain, is wanting to be seen as a person with something to offer, whether that's information, knowledge, learning, whatever our individual egos seek. We have a fear of appearing stupid, or unevolved; we fear being judged as somehow lacking. When most of us are relative newcomers to program, we have such ferocious negative judgements of ourselves, that we tend to assume that other people will be judging us with that same harshness. As we begin to understand that inside a meeting, we will be met with love and understanding, we become more able to admit to our mistakes, and then our character defects.
I know that when I came into Al-Anon, I was not a person who was very capable of loving - not myself, and not other people. I have slowly learned how to love. I have seen love and caring demonstrated, and over time, began to want to be that way. Each step towards being more loving has required that I let go. The biggest letting go for me has always been fear - fear of so many aspects of life. Fear of failure/ fear of success: fear of other people/fear of lonliness: fear of being loved, and the resultant obligations/fear of never being loved, and the resultant misery: fear of getting close to my Higher Power, and having to let go of my character defects/fear of never letting go of my character defects, and because of that, never getting close to God....the list was endless.
I've noticed that in the last couple of years, I've had a huge leap forward in my spiritual growth. I believe that this is a direct result of my deciding to let go of more. Of everything, really. And deciding that I was going to try to live more in this moment - not just today, in right now. Right now, I'm writing. Right now, I'm walking the dogs and enjoying the scent of the breeze from the ocean. Right now, I'm pulling laundry from the washer, and putting it into the dryer, looking out the window and seeing the beauty of the giant cedar in our back yard.
Right now, I'm sitting in a chair in my livingroom, with a small warm dog sleeping in my arms, talking 12-Step to my husband, while the fire crackles and spits.
One AA speaker said something that rocked me: "Can you think of anything that doesn't take place in the moment?" For some reason, that one sentence kept popping into my head at the most interesting of times, reminding me that there is no other time but now. The same speaker talks about being "ravaged by thought" - that was another phrase that kept coming back. I was absolutely "ravaged by thought," when I was new to Al-Anon, and for many years into my recovery. I spent many years making my life a desperate misery in the present moment, by ravaging myself with thought.
The way it is inside my head now, pretty much as soon as I catch myself beginning to do that, I stop immediately, and ask my Higher Power to take whatever it is from me. I give it over with a sigh of gratitude, knowing I'm going to receive serenity. I've done that so much in my life, and I am not willing to do it one more hour of one more day. I don't know how long I've got on this planet before I die, but I want to let all of that crap go, and live my time joyously.
When I decided weeks later to find out for myself, I discovered that they do offer this service. Now had you been with me at that table, you might have been momentarily convinced, as I was, that the opposite was true, so firmly was it stated. This is an aspect of human nature that I've always found utterly fascinating - we are never so convinced of our rightness, as when we are wrong.
My husband and I were trying to recall the name of something the other day, and he kept stating with great firmness, "It begins with a "C", I know that." Of course, when I finally went and looked it up, it didn't. We had a wonderful giggling fit over that one, and how convinced he'd been that he was right about the first letter, even if he couldn't remember the word itself.
I think what's going on when we speak so deteminedly about whatever it is that we don't know for certain, is wanting to be seen as a person with something to offer, whether that's information, knowledge, learning, whatever our individual egos seek. We have a fear of appearing stupid, or unevolved; we fear being judged as somehow lacking. When most of us are relative newcomers to program, we have such ferocious negative judgements of ourselves, that we tend to assume that other people will be judging us with that same harshness. As we begin to understand that inside a meeting, we will be met with love and understanding, we become more able to admit to our mistakes, and then our character defects.
I know that when I came into Al-Anon, I was not a person who was very capable of loving - not myself, and not other people. I have slowly learned how to love. I have seen love and caring demonstrated, and over time, began to want to be that way. Each step towards being more loving has required that I let go. The biggest letting go for me has always been fear - fear of so many aspects of life. Fear of failure/ fear of success: fear of other people/fear of lonliness: fear of being loved, and the resultant obligations/fear of never being loved, and the resultant misery: fear of getting close to my Higher Power, and having to let go of my character defects/fear of never letting go of my character defects, and because of that, never getting close to God....the list was endless.
I've noticed that in the last couple of years, I've had a huge leap forward in my spiritual growth. I believe that this is a direct result of my deciding to let go of more. Of everything, really. And deciding that I was going to try to live more in this moment - not just today, in right now. Right now, I'm writing. Right now, I'm walking the dogs and enjoying the scent of the breeze from the ocean. Right now, I'm pulling laundry from the washer, and putting it into the dryer, looking out the window and seeing the beauty of the giant cedar in our back yard.
Right now, I'm sitting in a chair in my livingroom, with a small warm dog sleeping in my arms, talking 12-Step to my husband, while the fire crackles and spits.
One AA speaker said something that rocked me: "Can you think of anything that doesn't take place in the moment?" For some reason, that one sentence kept popping into my head at the most interesting of times, reminding me that there is no other time but now. The same speaker talks about being "ravaged by thought" - that was another phrase that kept coming back. I was absolutely "ravaged by thought," when I was new to Al-Anon, and for many years into my recovery. I spent many years making my life a desperate misery in the present moment, by ravaging myself with thought.
The way it is inside my head now, pretty much as soon as I catch myself beginning to do that, I stop immediately, and ask my Higher Power to take whatever it is from me. I give it over with a sigh of gratitude, knowing I'm going to receive serenity. I've done that so much in my life, and I am not willing to do it one more hour of one more day. I don't know how long I've got on this planet before I die, but I want to let all of that crap go, and live my time joyously.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Why Reason Things Out With Someone Else?
Undermine: "to attack by indirect, secret, or underhand means; attempt to subvert by stealth."
I had a conversation with someone last week which took me a few days to decipher. I knew what I felt afterwards, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly why that was. It wasn't until I spoke to a close friend in the program, and shared some of the content of the conversation, that I was given understanding. My friend was quickly able to recognise the behavior, and its result, because she's had long experience with just that thing - subtle undermining.
She used the word, and everything clicked into place and made sense. I "got it."
I cannot stress strongly enough, how helpful it can be to "reason things out with someone else." It's not always necessary to do this with someone in Al-Anon; it can be done with anyone with whom we feel safe, and in whom, we have complete trust.
We are each locked inside our own heads with our perceptions and our habits of thinking - this can keep us confused and frustrated. We need an objective viewpoint, sometimes many different objective viewpoints. When I was new to program, I used to feel that I was only allowed to ask one person to do this reasoning out with me, and it's not a good idea to be shopping around trying to get a specific answer. But experiences and strengths vary; the first person with whom we talk, may not be able to help us identify or recognise the patterns in an encounter.
I'm trying to pay more attention to how I feel after I spend time with someone. Do I feel vaguely unsettled, and suddenly full of self-doubt, when I went into the conversation feeling positive and happy? If so, something happened in that encounter, and I need to figure it out, so that I can make a good choice for myself about whether or not I want to have this person in my life.
It's a fact of life that some people aren't good for me. I don't have to explain or justify, condemn or demonise that person, in order to feel that I have a good reason to avoid them. I don't need a good reason. If every time I see them, I come away from that encounter feeling unsettled, confused, and less serene, those feelings are reason enough. Self-care includes picking my friends wisely. Life is too short to spend any of it with those who would undermine my confidence.
An old friend in program spoke movingly about the way that her father used to tell her that his criticism was "well-meant" and "for her own good," and that she couldn't "surround herself with only those people who would be cheering her on."
This woman said that her real recovery began the day that she realised she could do that very thing - pick friends who would be her cheerleaders, delighted in her successes, and supportive of her failures. That was the day that she understood fully and completely that she deserved to be surrounded by cheerleaders.
I, too, have been snared by that "for your own good" trap of negativity. I prefer cheerleaders.
I had a conversation with someone last week which took me a few days to decipher. I knew what I felt afterwards, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly why that was. It wasn't until I spoke to a close friend in the program, and shared some of the content of the conversation, that I was given understanding. My friend was quickly able to recognise the behavior, and its result, because she's had long experience with just that thing - subtle undermining.
She used the word, and everything clicked into place and made sense. I "got it."
I cannot stress strongly enough, how helpful it can be to "reason things out with someone else." It's not always necessary to do this with someone in Al-Anon; it can be done with anyone with whom we feel safe, and in whom, we have complete trust.
We are each locked inside our own heads with our perceptions and our habits of thinking - this can keep us confused and frustrated. We need an objective viewpoint, sometimes many different objective viewpoints. When I was new to program, I used to feel that I was only allowed to ask one person to do this reasoning out with me, and it's not a good idea to be shopping around trying to get a specific answer. But experiences and strengths vary; the first person with whom we talk, may not be able to help us identify or recognise the patterns in an encounter.
I'm trying to pay more attention to how I feel after I spend time with someone. Do I feel vaguely unsettled, and suddenly full of self-doubt, when I went into the conversation feeling positive and happy? If so, something happened in that encounter, and I need to figure it out, so that I can make a good choice for myself about whether or not I want to have this person in my life.
It's a fact of life that some people aren't good for me. I don't have to explain or justify, condemn or demonise that person, in order to feel that I have a good reason to avoid them. I don't need a good reason. If every time I see them, I come away from that encounter feeling unsettled, confused, and less serene, those feelings are reason enough. Self-care includes picking my friends wisely. Life is too short to spend any of it with those who would undermine my confidence.
An old friend in program spoke movingly about the way that her father used to tell her that his criticism was "well-meant" and "for her own good," and that she couldn't "surround herself with only those people who would be cheering her on."
This woman said that her real recovery began the day that she realised she could do that very thing - pick friends who would be her cheerleaders, delighted in her successes, and supportive of her failures. That was the day that she understood fully and completely that she deserved to be surrounded by cheerleaders.
I, too, have been snared by that "for your own good" trap of negativity. I prefer cheerleaders.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
"You Can't Do That!"
One of my favourite AA speakers is a man with a great sense of humour, and a wonderful message. I was listening to one of his talks last night, and he was saying if you want to know whether what you are proposing is God's will, ask those in the program whom you trust: "I'm considering taking this action; do you think this is God's will for me?"
I decided to put this idea into practise,with regard to a major life change I'm considering. So far, those I've asked have replied with a resounding yes. It's a powerfully supportive feeling.
Yesterday, I received a negative response from a stranger, along the lines of "You can't do that, because of this, this, and this." Because I'd done my research, I knew she was mistaken on all three counts. It got me thinking, about all the people along the way who have told me what I can't do. I'm grateful for the character trait of determination, which has allowed me to push ahead, even when everyone around me has been giving me negative input.
I've arrived at middle age relatively unscathed, and can look back and see that if I'd listened to the naysayers, I'd never have done anything. I'd still be living in the same small town in which I was raised, because that was one of the first "You can't do that!" messages I heard; that I couldn't travel to see the country in which I'd been born, that I had to stay and follow the prescribed path laid out for me by others.
I've had an interesting and varied life; if I'd let the fears of other people keep me trapped, that wouldn't have been the case. I have one life to live; I want to live it fully. I want to explore, and I want to challenge myself.
When my husband decided to quit his job and go back to school at the age of 50, I was one of the few people urging him on. He was terrified, but he did it, and he sailed through his courses with honor marks, and a renewed confidence. When he graduated, he opened his own business, because that was his dream. I've seen the hugely positive changes that his courage has created, and I'm proud of him for it.
Don't let other people tell you what you can't do. Have the courage to change.
I decided to put this idea into practise,with regard to a major life change I'm considering. So far, those I've asked have replied with a resounding yes. It's a powerfully supportive feeling.
Yesterday, I received a negative response from a stranger, along the lines of "You can't do that, because of this, this, and this." Because I'd done my research, I knew she was mistaken on all three counts. It got me thinking, about all the people along the way who have told me what I can't do. I'm grateful for the character trait of determination, which has allowed me to push ahead, even when everyone around me has been giving me negative input.
I've arrived at middle age relatively unscathed, and can look back and see that if I'd listened to the naysayers, I'd never have done anything. I'd still be living in the same small town in which I was raised, because that was one of the first "You can't do that!" messages I heard; that I couldn't travel to see the country in which I'd been born, that I had to stay and follow the prescribed path laid out for me by others.
I've had an interesting and varied life; if I'd let the fears of other people keep me trapped, that wouldn't have been the case. I have one life to live; I want to live it fully. I want to explore, and I want to challenge myself.
When my husband decided to quit his job and go back to school at the age of 50, I was one of the few people urging him on. He was terrified, but he did it, and he sailed through his courses with honor marks, and a renewed confidence. When he graduated, he opened his own business, because that was his dream. I've seen the hugely positive changes that his courage has created, and I'm proud of him for it.
Don't let other people tell you what you can't do. Have the courage to change.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
An Interesting Experience.
Yesterday afternoon, I was out watering the garden, when I was stung at the base of my left thumb. I dropped the hose and ran inside to get anti-histamines - my husband had used them all. I quickly changed my clothes and drove to the drug store to purchase some. I took two while standing in the line to cash out, and hoped they would start working soon. As I was driving out of the parking lot of the store, I could feel the roof of my mouth, my tongue, and my throat beginning to go numb. I turned down the road towards the hospital, and prayed for calmness as I waited at red lights and the numbness in my mouth and throat progressed, and I began to feel as though I were wearing a too-tight shirt. (The literature about anaphylactic shock mentions "a feeling of impending doom" as a possible part of the reaction - I can now say I've experienced that.)
I parked in the Emergency parking lot, and walked quickly into the hospital, not stopping to get a parking ticket for my car. I was taken into the back, an IV port put into my right hand, and a large syringe of medication was shot into me - epinephrine. This is a horrid sensation; I felt the rush of coolness go up my arm, into my heart, and suddenly that felt as though it were going to pound itself out of my chest. I also felt distinctly light-headed and strange. I had three seperate injections before the numbness in my mouth, and tightness in my chest began to go away, and after another long period of observation, I was released.
I walked outside to find a ticket on my windshield, with a notice on the back from the parking company, that if it had been a medical emergency, I could call and speak to one of their representatives about possibly having the ticket cancelled.
The doctor at the hospital gave me a prescription for 2 Epipens, and suggested that I carry them at all times.
The moral of this story is: Check the expiry date of your emergency epinephrine injector regularly, and, if you realise it is out of date, go and get a new one immediately! Don't throw the old one out, and forget to get a new one for 3-4 days - it's the laws of life that you will then get stung, experience a serious reaction, and put your life in jeopardy.
Today, I'm feeling as though I've had a narrow escape for my foolishness.
I parked in the Emergency parking lot, and walked quickly into the hospital, not stopping to get a parking ticket for my car. I was taken into the back, an IV port put into my right hand, and a large syringe of medication was shot into me - epinephrine. This is a horrid sensation; I felt the rush of coolness go up my arm, into my heart, and suddenly that felt as though it were going to pound itself out of my chest. I also felt distinctly light-headed and strange. I had three seperate injections before the numbness in my mouth, and tightness in my chest began to go away, and after another long period of observation, I was released.
I walked outside to find a ticket on my windshield, with a notice on the back from the parking company, that if it had been a medical emergency, I could call and speak to one of their representatives about possibly having the ticket cancelled.
The doctor at the hospital gave me a prescription for 2 Epipens, and suggested that I carry them at all times.
The moral of this story is: Check the expiry date of your emergency epinephrine injector regularly, and, if you realise it is out of date, go and get a new one immediately! Don't throw the old one out, and forget to get a new one for 3-4 days - it's the laws of life that you will then get stung, experience a serious reaction, and put your life in jeopardy.
Today, I'm feeling as though I've had a narrow escape for my foolishness.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Am I Aware Of My Own Character Defects?
A newcomer asks: "Isn't it hard to figure out your own character defects, because aren't you naturally in denial about them?"
An excellent question, and timely, since our Step Group is working Step Four right now. The writer went on to ask, how could she find out what her character defects were?
Ask your family and friends! All kidding aside, it can be an interesting exercise to do this, because our friends and family can see us with more objectivity than we see ourselves. When we've been in Al-Anon for a while, we can ask members with whom we feel comfortable, and whom we trust, to discuss this with us, if they're comfortable doing so, because there again, we can be viewed with more objectivity.
Al-Anon's Paths to Recovery is a good resource, and Blueprint for Progress is a helpful book to work through, with sponsees doing their first Step Four. Both have good thought-provoking questions.
Try not to worry too much about how you are doing your inventory, and please, try not to bash yourself. No point in making it more difficult, right? We all have human frailties.
An excellent question, and timely, since our Step Group is working Step Four right now. The writer went on to ask, how could she find out what her character defects were?
Ask your family and friends! All kidding aside, it can be an interesting exercise to do this, because our friends and family can see us with more objectivity than we see ourselves. When we've been in Al-Anon for a while, we can ask members with whom we feel comfortable, and whom we trust, to discuss this with us, if they're comfortable doing so, because there again, we can be viewed with more objectivity.
Al-Anon's Paths to Recovery is a good resource, and Blueprint for Progress is a helpful book to work through, with sponsees doing their first Step Four. Both have good thought-provoking questions.
Try not to worry too much about how you are doing your inventory, and please, try not to bash yourself. No point in making it more difficult, right? We all have human frailties.
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