Monday, January 20, 2014

When LIfe, or Other People's Choices, Cause Us Pain.

One aspect of life about which I felt the most resistance, growing up, and to be honest, for many years into adulthood, is defined with utter clarity in the cry we hear from children: "It's not fair!"

Too right, life isn't fair. My most recent personal experience of this was meeting, becoming friends with,  and falling in love with Robert, only to have three blissful months with him in delight and joy before receiving a diagnosis of cancer.

It was the first time in many years that I had felt that instinctive resistance and frustrated anger about the unfairness of life - how could it be that I could meet the love of my life, this wonderful intelligent caring, witty, enjoyable, decent man, and be loved by him in return, only to have such a thing happen so soon into our relationship?  I spent about 24 hours filled with a towering fury at the unfairness of it - we were both in our mid-50's, and for each of us, this time together has been the culmination of all desires and wishes long thought unfillable.  How could this be happening? After that day spent sick with rage and resentment, I realised that I had a choice, I could either hold onto that old feeling, or I could open my heart and mind and let it go, turn it over to my Higher Power. If I didn't, I would destroy the very peace, humour and satisfaction of our relationship.

I made a conscious choice to let go of my sense of life's unfairness in this instance, because I have worked for 29 years to learn to live in peace and serenity, rather than suffer the ravages of a life lived with fear and anger as my constant companions.

There will also be times in my life when those I love may make a choice which may cause me great pain. A friend may become angry with me for whatever reason, a family member may want something from me that I'm not willing or able to give without trampling my own boundaries. I cannot change them. I can only choose  to allow myself to feel my feelings, and then make my own choice, to release them, to turn them, and my life, over to my Higher Power. I have never felt comfort arising from resentment, rage or fear - I've only repeatedly tormented myself with thoughts filled with frustration and anger.

I want peace, and I know what I must do to achieve it, I must LET IT All GO. Everything. I must accept my own powerlessness, and ask my Higher Power for comfort and serenity. With serenity, I can accept that life isn't fair, and have a good life in spite of that truth.


  1. I lost my previous husband to lung cancer. A little over a year later found a wonderful honest thoughtful man, re-married and a year after that he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I hear what you are saying about "not fair". He is still with me, but likely not for much longer. He has been very sick for quite some time and we have been through a lot. Some days are easier than others. Some days I can let go...others I just want to grab it back. Accepting powerlessness; can't control this is a key for me. Your blog has been helpful to me. I am very grateful for your sharing. Thanks.

  2. Just a note to say I love your blog. There is so much wisdom here!

  3. You are so right--it helps so much to accept that life isn't fair. But it can still be good. So glad you are enjoying this stage with Robert and even growing through the cancer.

    I liked your previous blog about writing a list of what you would require in a man, if he ever walked into your life. I decided to do that too, even though I'm very content and not looking. So glad you found the love of your life! I'm glad to have found so much contentment through Al-Anon, and am encouraged by reading your blog.

  4. LOL...I too wrote a list. Got everything I asked for, and more...the cancer! I guess maybe I might have been more specific about the health profile, eh?!

  5. Dealing with the "it's not fair" mantra with a fellow I sponsor. My response is "why should life be fair?". It definitely has its peaks and valleys. I'm glad for your happiness and living life with the carpe diem attitude.