Yesterday I received a comment from a reader who had found a loved one dead from a heroin overdose, and felt guilty because they'd talked themselves out of a feeling of concern that something was wrong, and the next day, found his body.
I read the comment this morning, and was reminded of Neil Young's "The Needle And The Damage Done", in which he sings, "...but every junkie's like a setting sun..."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lf6RXn_E_7s
I came to my blog this morning meaning to write a post about "Live and Let Live." I read that comment and thought of the last young man I knew who died from a heroin overdose. He was in his early twenties, a handsome university student. When I heard that he'd been found dead with the needle still in his arm, I recall being swept by an almost overwhelming sadness at the waste of another life.
When still married to my first husband, (who as far as I know is still drinking, 20 odd years after we've been divorced,) and very new to Al-Anon, I found the idea that I was powerless over his addiction to be maddening. Again and again I would speak at meetings about wanting to change him, and would hear others sharing about the difficulty of realising and truly accepting that the alcoholic or addict makes their own life choices. We can decide to stop enabling, and we can work on our own recovery. We cannot force them into sobriety. We are utterly and completely powerless.
We cannot save them from themselves, regardless of what the recovery business would like us to believe. I know couples who have almost bankrupted themselves putting a child into one rehab centre after another, only to lose the thousands of dollars expended, when the child leaves before the end of the treatment and picks up again. We are unable to fix what is wrong with them, they must be desirous of fixing their own lives. Some will, and go on to lead happy fulfilled lives. Some won't, and will die young, of alcohol or substance abuse. That's an unfortunate reality, but until we accept our own powerlessness, we can't be set free.
Showing posts with label self-deception. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-deception. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Embracing Powerlessness As A Signpost To Freedom.
So much of my past struggle, and for those I sponsor, and friends in program, arises from my, and their, inability to accept our powerlessness. We fight it tooth and nail, for various reasons, not least of which is wanting life, people, or things to be the way we desire them to be.
When I finally surrendered, I believe it was more from exhaustion with the fight, than any real understanding that the fight itself was an exercise in futility. I don't suggest that my sponsees require that understanding as a prerequisite to accepting powerlessness; quite the contrary, it can be a relief to let it all go before we ever reach a place of knowing why we are doing the letting go, or what we may possibly gain through doing so.
All I need is to believe that there is something, anything, which is a power greater than myself - this may be the group, Good Orderly Direction, nature, whatever works for me. As long as I can grasp that I am not the be-all and end-all, I have everything I need to begin the process of letting go.
I had to be shown step by step what "letting go" meant, because I hadn't a clue, and as someone who spent a lot of time in anxiety and fear, the prospect of letting go, detaching, removing myself emotionally from whatever was possessing my mind at the time, sounded near to impossible.
To start, I needed a willingness to change my thinking. That meant I had to accept that my thinking was not the best and clearest that it could be with regard to whatever the topic was, and that the solution to my overwhelming fear and distress could come through letting go, and letting the Higher Power take it. My illusion of control was not doing me any good, it kept me mired in a mindset which was foggy and unclear, and the mindset made me unhappy and fearful.
As I think so do I feel,
as I feel so do I act,
as I act, so do the consequences of my actions, make my life one way or another.
My thinking affects the way my life works, or doesn't.
I couldn't see that reality for the longest time, I was convinced that my life was more affected by the choices of another person, namely the alcoholic, than by anything I did or thought. I felt victimised, trapped, angry, resentful, frustrated, and hopeless.
How could admitting powerlessness help me with any of that?
It helped me by opening up great stretches of my time previously spent obsessing. When I let go of a struggle I cannot hope to win, I turn instead to the business of living my life with hope, peace, and freedom. I make time in which to do the things I love, to be of service, to offer to another person who is fighting their own inner demons, the experience strength and hope so freely and lovingly given to me when I was new in Al-Anon.
May you have an excellent Sunday.
When I finally surrendered, I believe it was more from exhaustion with the fight, than any real understanding that the fight itself was an exercise in futility. I don't suggest that my sponsees require that understanding as a prerequisite to accepting powerlessness; quite the contrary, it can be a relief to let it all go before we ever reach a place of knowing why we are doing the letting go, or what we may possibly gain through doing so.
All I need is to believe that there is something, anything, which is a power greater than myself - this may be the group, Good Orderly Direction, nature, whatever works for me. As long as I can grasp that I am not the be-all and end-all, I have everything I need to begin the process of letting go.
I had to be shown step by step what "letting go" meant, because I hadn't a clue, and as someone who spent a lot of time in anxiety and fear, the prospect of letting go, detaching, removing myself emotionally from whatever was possessing my mind at the time, sounded near to impossible.
To start, I needed a willingness to change my thinking. That meant I had to accept that my thinking was not the best and clearest that it could be with regard to whatever the topic was, and that the solution to my overwhelming fear and distress could come through letting go, and letting the Higher Power take it. My illusion of control was not doing me any good, it kept me mired in a mindset which was foggy and unclear, and the mindset made me unhappy and fearful.
As I think so do I feel,
as I feel so do I act,
as I act, so do the consequences of my actions, make my life one way or another.
My thinking affects the way my life works, or doesn't.
I couldn't see that reality for the longest time, I was convinced that my life was more affected by the choices of another person, namely the alcoholic, than by anything I did or thought. I felt victimised, trapped, angry, resentful, frustrated, and hopeless.
How could admitting powerlessness help me with any of that?
It helped me by opening up great stretches of my time previously spent obsessing. When I let go of a struggle I cannot hope to win, I turn instead to the business of living my life with hope, peace, and freedom. I make time in which to do the things I love, to be of service, to offer to another person who is fighting their own inner demons, the experience strength and hope so freely and lovingly given to me when I was new in Al-Anon.
May you have an excellent Sunday.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Being Pushed To Think Differently.
Spnsors can be vital in this role, as can life itself. I've been having to accept that some of what I'm struggling to allow into my mind as just the way it is, was that way before we married. Did I believe that with enough effort, the right way to say it, the necessary influence, I would be able to change those realities? I may have. I may not have fully understood the wear patterns upon even the very best part of us, that living with an alcoholic can create.
I was thinking today of a time when we were newly married, and he'd started asking for "favours" from me. This is an example of the way that language is used to minimise the loss of entire countries of self - the borders are re-drawn, the name is changed, and soon, only the old (old friends, in my case) can clearly recall a time when things were not this way.
I offered up so much of myself in hoping that the gift of me would satiate the endless wanting. Straw or gold, it was devoured with the same intensity in the fire of his addictive personality. I gave what I now see was the treasure of myself; to him, it was third-rate lumber, comsumed in no time, leaving him always, always, wanting more. Those "favours" that I did for him, almost destroyed my sense of self. I'd be still reeling from the effects of one, and he'd be at me, mocking me for my response, and continually wanting another.
Living alone, with Spirit to guide me, is blissfully peaceful. I pray to feel compassion for the devouring alcoholic, and for myself.
I was thinking today of a time when we were newly married, and he'd started asking for "favours" from me. This is an example of the way that language is used to minimise the loss of entire countries of self - the borders are re-drawn, the name is changed, and soon, only the old (old friends, in my case) can clearly recall a time when things were not this way.
I offered up so much of myself in hoping that the gift of me would satiate the endless wanting. Straw or gold, it was devoured with the same intensity in the fire of his addictive personality. I gave what I now see was the treasure of myself; to him, it was third-rate lumber, comsumed in no time, leaving him always, always, wanting more. Those "favours" that I did for him, almost destroyed my sense of self. I'd be still reeling from the effects of one, and he'd be at me, mocking me for my response, and continually wanting another.
Living alone, with Spirit to guide me, is blissfully peaceful. I pray to feel compassion for the devouring alcoholic, and for myself.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Learning That Which We Already Know...
....but are unwilling or unable to accept, can be a painful process.
The knowledge that my life inside my marriage had become "unmanageable" was nothing new. I'd tried in every way I could imagine to find solid ground, but there was none to be had - I didn't cause the "isms" of the alcoholic, I couldn't control them, and I couldn't cure them. Each alcoholic is solely responsible for the tracing out of their own path.
When newly married, I was naive enough to believe that the cessation of consumption was enough to bring about recovery, I'd no idea that the person can be years away from their last drink, and only minutes later, will demonstrate the fact that if you do not move forward, you will slide back.
I want to say sorry to Syd,who left a comment which I was going to publish, but somehow hit the delete button instead - my fingers are more clumsy on this laptop, sorry, Syd.
The knowledge that my life inside my marriage had become "unmanageable" was nothing new. I'd tried in every way I could imagine to find solid ground, but there was none to be had - I didn't cause the "isms" of the alcoholic, I couldn't control them, and I couldn't cure them. Each alcoholic is solely responsible for the tracing out of their own path.
When newly married, I was naive enough to believe that the cessation of consumption was enough to bring about recovery, I'd no idea that the person can be years away from their last drink, and only minutes later, will demonstrate the fact that if you do not move forward, you will slide back.
I want to say sorry to Syd,who left a comment which I was going to publish, but somehow hit the delete button instead - my fingers are more clumsy on this laptop, sorry, Syd.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Selective Vision for Step 8
I've been to several meetings this week on the topic of Step 8: "Made a list of persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."
I find it interesting how many people seem to see this as another way to look at what the alcoholic has done to damage us. That's not what this Step asks us to do. We aren't making lists of all the people, including ourselves, harmed by the alcoholic, we are taking a clear and careful look at our own character defects, and how those have caused pain, grief, sorrow and trouble to the people in our lives.
It wasn't until I was willing to admit that I could be a jerk, that I began to get much from this program. As long as I was still fixated upon what the alcoholic had done, was doing, might be about to do, my focus was skewed.
I don't attempt to suggest that we haven't been harmed in this alcoholic relationship, one is always getting toes snipped off and bits gouged out when we love an alcoholic, it's the nature of their disease, of the inflated sense of self, and overweening ego, which accompanies the other symptoms.
But we become equally as self-absorbed in our confusion and our pain, "irritable and unreasonable without knowing it." That's why we need a sponsor, because when we start out on this journey, our defenses will have us insist that we have no character defects, that we don't need to make a list, that we haven't harmed anyone. Over the years that I've been in this program, I've seen this happen time and again - someone relatively new insisting that they don't like this character defect stuff because it sounds too punitive, or they havn't done anything compared to the alcoholic's crimes against the world, or just a general sense of outrage when it's suggested to them that they learn to focus on their own faults.
I've been that person, wanting to blame another for all my unhappiness. It wasn't until I became more willing to sit down and have a good hard look at myself that I began to find change in this program. But that requires some beating down of our own egos, and open minds with regard to who our sponsor sees
when they look at us.
I find it interesting how many people seem to see this as another way to look at what the alcoholic has done to damage us. That's not what this Step asks us to do. We aren't making lists of all the people, including ourselves, harmed by the alcoholic, we are taking a clear and careful look at our own character defects, and how those have caused pain, grief, sorrow and trouble to the people in our lives.
It wasn't until I was willing to admit that I could be a jerk, that I began to get much from this program. As long as I was still fixated upon what the alcoholic had done, was doing, might be about to do, my focus was skewed.
I don't attempt to suggest that we haven't been harmed in this alcoholic relationship, one is always getting toes snipped off and bits gouged out when we love an alcoholic, it's the nature of their disease, of the inflated sense of self, and overweening ego, which accompanies the other symptoms.
But we become equally as self-absorbed in our confusion and our pain, "irritable and unreasonable without knowing it." That's why we need a sponsor, because when we start out on this journey, our defenses will have us insist that we have no character defects, that we don't need to make a list, that we haven't harmed anyone. Over the years that I've been in this program, I've seen this happen time and again - someone relatively new insisting that they don't like this character defect stuff because it sounds too punitive, or they havn't done anything compared to the alcoholic's crimes against the world, or just a general sense of outrage when it's suggested to them that they learn to focus on their own faults.
I've been that person, wanting to blame another for all my unhappiness. It wasn't until I became more willing to sit down and have a good hard look at myself that I began to find change in this program. But that requires some beating down of our own egos, and open minds with regard to who our sponsor sees
when they look at us.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Willing To Receive Help.
Before I can receive help, be it through Al-Anon, my Higher Power or any other source, I must first be willing to receive help, and that requires that I believe both that I'm in need of help - I can't do this all on my own - and that these sources of help have something to offer me.
I need to be teachable. Do I understand that my way is only one way of doing things? Do I accept that my thinking can be distorted? This has to have been one of the most intensely difficult lessons I had to accept when new to program, this concept that what went on inside my own head could be less than sane. But, when through the working of my first Fourth Step, said thinking was dragged out into the light of day, laid flat and closely examined, there was no other conclusion - in some areas, my thinking was not that of a sane and rational person. I was obsessive, obsessively controlling, fearful, and able to deny to a quite astounding degree.
I've had another realisation lately that I've had some denial operating, and it's strange when the denial falls away to look at this same thinking again, and wonder - how did I get there from here? Just how did I make that elephant disappear? Did I sidle past it, telling myself that it was a piece of furniture? Did I pretend it was really only a small pet? Did I just never go into that room anymore? How did I deny that?
I'm learning, again, that I'm very skilled at making excuses for the alcoholics that I love, be they sisters or husband. Making excuses means that I am not looking at life the way it is, but the way I would prefer it to be. It means that I'm pretending - this isn't really happening, something else is. How many times did my first sponsor ask, "What would you think if someone else said to you, what you just said to me?" and how many times did I have no other honest reply but, "I'd think they were making excuses." Making excuses for someone's unacceptable behavior is a choice, and for me, is usually based somehow in fear - fear of rejection, fear of love being withheld, fear of loss.
This afternoon I spent with someone who knew and loved my friend the same way I did, and remembering him we laughed and wept, and laughed again. My friend was a man of staunch loyalties and a great sense of the inherent silliness of human beings. He could make us laugh until we clutched ourselves and gasped for breath, and yet we always knew that if we ever needed him, he would walk through fire to help, because he was a man who loved people.
Al-Anon has helped me to move from being terrified of people to loving and enjoying them - how can I repay a gift of that magnitude? I can give back what was so generously and freely given to me. I have a sponsee coming in a little while to work the Steps, and I will think of my beautful loving friend when I go to open the door and invite her into my house.
Thanks so much to all of you who have written - I appreciate each comment, each email, and I've reread them a few times - thank you for the love you've shared with me.
I need to be teachable. Do I understand that my way is only one way of doing things? Do I accept that my thinking can be distorted? This has to have been one of the most intensely difficult lessons I had to accept when new to program, this concept that what went on inside my own head could be less than sane. But, when through the working of my first Fourth Step, said thinking was dragged out into the light of day, laid flat and closely examined, there was no other conclusion - in some areas, my thinking was not that of a sane and rational person. I was obsessive, obsessively controlling, fearful, and able to deny to a quite astounding degree.
I've had another realisation lately that I've had some denial operating, and it's strange when the denial falls away to look at this same thinking again, and wonder - how did I get there from here? Just how did I make that elephant disappear? Did I sidle past it, telling myself that it was a piece of furniture? Did I pretend it was really only a small pet? Did I just never go into that room anymore? How did I deny that?
I'm learning, again, that I'm very skilled at making excuses for the alcoholics that I love, be they sisters or husband. Making excuses means that I am not looking at life the way it is, but the way I would prefer it to be. It means that I'm pretending - this isn't really happening, something else is. How many times did my first sponsor ask, "What would you think if someone else said to you, what you just said to me?" and how many times did I have no other honest reply but, "I'd think they were making excuses." Making excuses for someone's unacceptable behavior is a choice, and for me, is usually based somehow in fear - fear of rejection, fear of love being withheld, fear of loss.
This afternoon I spent with someone who knew and loved my friend the same way I did, and remembering him we laughed and wept, and laughed again. My friend was a man of staunch loyalties and a great sense of the inherent silliness of human beings. He could make us laugh until we clutched ourselves and gasped for breath, and yet we always knew that if we ever needed him, he would walk through fire to help, because he was a man who loved people.
Al-Anon has helped me to move from being terrified of people to loving and enjoying them - how can I repay a gift of that magnitude? I can give back what was so generously and freely given to me. I have a sponsee coming in a little while to work the Steps, and I will think of my beautful loving friend when I go to open the door and invite her into my house.
Thanks so much to all of you who have written - I appreciate each comment, each email, and I've reread them a few times - thank you for the love you've shared with me.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Judgement.
I met with a sponsee yesterday, and the topic of judgement arose, as it so often does with those of us in Al-Anon. I came into this program with the firm belief that it was not merely acceptable for me to judge other people, but a necessity, to keep myself safe.
When my sponsor tried to show me that I was constricting myself with my judgements of others, I didn't get it. I judged her for not judging. I marshaled all the usual reasons for my thinking, and carried on, secure in the knowledge that I was right, and she was wrong. Loving, kind, accepting, wise in so many respects, but in this area, somehow confused and mistaken.
When I am loving and accepting, I'm open to my Higher Power; when I'm in judgement mode, I'm choosing to close myself off, and live inside that tiny box of self.
I'm not suggesting for a moment that I live in complete acceptance of everyone and everything - my ego is still far too strong to allow me an unrestricted journey. It offers me suggestions on how to think on a regular basis, and is particularly vociferous when I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired - HALT. Then it's up on the soapbox declaiming about this, that and the other thing, and it takes concerted effort on my part to remember to stop what I'm doing, close my eyes (or not, if I'm driving) and ask my Higher Power to "please take this, I don't want to feel this way."
When I ask, I always get relief. That yapping in my head is quieted to a indistinguishable murmur, and I feel love, acceptance, serenity. It's my choice - do I want to have that channel to my HP open, and feel that loving wonder? It's hard to imagine not wanting it, but the ego is amazingly strong in us. Ego tells us many stories; before Al-Anon, I thought my ego was honest with me, only telling me the truth. Regular, daily practise of Step 10 has made it very clear that my ego is often wrong. Spectacularly wrong, too, not just slightly mistaken. I'm tired of listening to my ego. I want peace. I can only achieve peace when I'm willing to let go of judgement.
When I realised how simple it is, I couldn't believe it. You mean all I have to do is ask? But what about all these other complications?
The longer I'm in Al-Anon, the simpler my life becomes.
I've only recently gotten over what felt like a major hurdle with regard to my spouse, and my judgements about what he should or should not be doing, in and out of his program. From the other side, that hurdle was massive, huge, it blocked the light, it made forward motion impossible, I couldn't imagine how I was going to get over that one, or even if I wanted to, in truth.
Until I decided to surrender completely, and ask my HP for help. Up until then, I thought I was surrendering, but I wasn't; I'd always kept a little piece of it aside, and that piece was a judgement. My HP can't get to me, if I've closed myself off with a judgement. The door only opens from one side. My side.
And finding myself on this side of it, I'm trying to see where exactly it was - you mean that barely distinguishable wrinkle was my hurdle? But that's impossible! It was massive, huge, it blocked the light. I couldn't get past it, I...wow. Just that little wrinkle, that's what I've been trying to get over all this time? It's funny. It sure wasn't funny from the other side, but on this side, it's hilarious.
I pray to always want to be more loving, more accepting, to keep that door to my HP standing wide open, and propped open with the rock of Al-Anon.
When my sponsor tried to show me that I was constricting myself with my judgements of others, I didn't get it. I judged her for not judging. I marshaled all the usual reasons for my thinking, and carried on, secure in the knowledge that I was right, and she was wrong. Loving, kind, accepting, wise in so many respects, but in this area, somehow confused and mistaken.
When I am loving and accepting, I'm open to my Higher Power; when I'm in judgement mode, I'm choosing to close myself off, and live inside that tiny box of self.
I'm not suggesting for a moment that I live in complete acceptance of everyone and everything - my ego is still far too strong to allow me an unrestricted journey. It offers me suggestions on how to think on a regular basis, and is particularly vociferous when I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired - HALT. Then it's up on the soapbox declaiming about this, that and the other thing, and it takes concerted effort on my part to remember to stop what I'm doing, close my eyes (or not, if I'm driving) and ask my Higher Power to "please take this, I don't want to feel this way."
When I ask, I always get relief. That yapping in my head is quieted to a indistinguishable murmur, and I feel love, acceptance, serenity. It's my choice - do I want to have that channel to my HP open, and feel that loving wonder? It's hard to imagine not wanting it, but the ego is amazingly strong in us. Ego tells us many stories; before Al-Anon, I thought my ego was honest with me, only telling me the truth. Regular, daily practise of Step 10 has made it very clear that my ego is often wrong. Spectacularly wrong, too, not just slightly mistaken. I'm tired of listening to my ego. I want peace. I can only achieve peace when I'm willing to let go of judgement.
When I realised how simple it is, I couldn't believe it. You mean all I have to do is ask? But what about all these other complications?
The longer I'm in Al-Anon, the simpler my life becomes.
I've only recently gotten over what felt like a major hurdle with regard to my spouse, and my judgements about what he should or should not be doing, in and out of his program. From the other side, that hurdle was massive, huge, it blocked the light, it made forward motion impossible, I couldn't imagine how I was going to get over that one, or even if I wanted to, in truth.
Until I decided to surrender completely, and ask my HP for help. Up until then, I thought I was surrendering, but I wasn't; I'd always kept a little piece of it aside, and that piece was a judgement. My HP can't get to me, if I've closed myself off with a judgement. The door only opens from one side. My side.
And finding myself on this side of it, I'm trying to see where exactly it was - you mean that barely distinguishable wrinkle was my hurdle? But that's impossible! It was massive, huge, it blocked the light. I couldn't get past it, I...wow. Just that little wrinkle, that's what I've been trying to get over all this time? It's funny. It sure wasn't funny from the other side, but on this side, it's hilarious.
I pray to always want to be more loving, more accepting, to keep that door to my HP standing wide open, and propped open with the rock of Al-Anon.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Step One.
"Admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
When I forget this, I will be reminded, either in a slight and gentle nudge by the universe, my Higher Power, life, or in a smackdown which effectively flattens me. I will find myself sitting on the mat again, wondering where that blow came from, it happened so quickly, I didn't even see it coming. I took my eye off the ball, I was hitching up my trousers instead of paying attention, I got lazy, I didn't feel like carrying my end of the load, whatever the reason or the excuse, it happens. I lose my focus, and when I do, I lose my serenity.
I'm not suggesting that it's easy, to keep our focus when the alcoholic is acting out, either in drunkenness, or in sobriety, but it's vital for our equilibrium.
From the Al-Anon ODAT, page 116:
"...although many of us feel we should be able to correct a situation which is causing us so much suffering."
That's where I get into trouble, I feel as though I "should be able."
I'm an intelligent, capable adult, I've managed other areas of my life successfully, I've accomplished this, I've mastered that, why can't I do this one thing? Why? WHY?
"Why" is irrelevant. I could be given a satisfying reason, and within a very short time, I'd be back, asking for another. Reasons do not solve my problem; reasons do not give me serenity.
Surrender allows the peace of my Higher Power to flood my heart and mind. There have been many days when I've suddenly come to my senses to realise that what has felt like trying vainly to hold the door of myself closed against a massive wall of water, is in truth, my having turned my face away in denial, from a truth I already know so well - that I am powerless.
When I forget this, I will be reminded, either in a slight and gentle nudge by the universe, my Higher Power, life, or in a smackdown which effectively flattens me. I will find myself sitting on the mat again, wondering where that blow came from, it happened so quickly, I didn't even see it coming. I took my eye off the ball, I was hitching up my trousers instead of paying attention, I got lazy, I didn't feel like carrying my end of the load, whatever the reason or the excuse, it happens. I lose my focus, and when I do, I lose my serenity.
I'm not suggesting that it's easy, to keep our focus when the alcoholic is acting out, either in drunkenness, or in sobriety, but it's vital for our equilibrium.
From the Al-Anon ODAT, page 116:
"...although many of us feel we should be able to correct a situation which is causing us so much suffering."
That's where I get into trouble, I feel as though I "should be able."
I'm an intelligent, capable adult, I've managed other areas of my life successfully, I've accomplished this, I've mastered that, why can't I do this one thing? Why? WHY?
"Why" is irrelevant. I could be given a satisfying reason, and within a very short time, I'd be back, asking for another. Reasons do not solve my problem; reasons do not give me serenity.
Surrender allows the peace of my Higher Power to flood my heart and mind. There have been many days when I've suddenly come to my senses to realise that what has felt like trying vainly to hold the door of myself closed against a massive wall of water, is in truth, my having turned my face away in denial, from a truth I already know so well - that I am powerless.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
The Three C's - I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It.
I was thinking about Al-Anon's 3 C's today. Alcoholics are good at shouldering off the responsibility for their choice of behavior, onto their partners, their employers, their friends, the guy at the tire store. I have a half-joking, half-rueful shorthand way of describing this, I call it the 3-pronged excuse:
"I did not do that!"
"Okay, okay, maybe I did do that, but I didn't mean anything by it."
"And anyway, you drove me to it."
This sloughing off of responsibility has a childish feel to it that can be distressing in an adult family member. We wonder how they can do the fancy footwork required to rationalise this kind of thing, we wonder how they....oh, right, I'm supposed to keep the focus on myself, and what I can and can't do.
I can't change other people.
I didn't cause the alcoholism, (or the consequences of drinking,) I can't control anyone's drinking, and I cannot cure alcoholism. It's not up to me to take up the plow for another person - it's beyond my mental or physical strength, and I'm treating them like an invalid when I rush to shield them from the consequences of their choices.
I've had to make a choice this week, about something which I thought was helping, but that I now have come to realise, was enabling. I need to step back, and allow the alcoholic to sink or swim under their own power. I was taken aback, to realise that what I was doing was enabling, and that realisation was only brought about, by the alcoholic having blamed me for something else entirely. It was in thinking about blame, and responsibility, and consequences, and all of those things, that I realised I have been overstepping my mark. (I haven't quite reached the stage in this, yet, where I feel gratitude for the initial blaming, because it led to my realisation, but I'll get there, I always do.)
I'm not culpable for what another person chooses to do, only for my own choices. I can't be held responsible just because they don't like an outcome, which they, themselves, have set in motion.
I can see that I need to put more effort into detaching - for the rest, my Higher Power will guide me.
"I did not do that!"
"Okay, okay, maybe I did do that, but I didn't mean anything by it."
"And anyway, you drove me to it."
This sloughing off of responsibility has a childish feel to it that can be distressing in an adult family member. We wonder how they can do the fancy footwork required to rationalise this kind of thing, we wonder how they....oh, right, I'm supposed to keep the focus on myself, and what I can and can't do.
I can't change other people.
I didn't cause the alcoholism, (or the consequences of drinking,) I can't control anyone's drinking, and I cannot cure alcoholism. It's not up to me to take up the plow for another person - it's beyond my mental or physical strength, and I'm treating them like an invalid when I rush to shield them from the consequences of their choices.
I've had to make a choice this week, about something which I thought was helping, but that I now have come to realise, was enabling. I need to step back, and allow the alcoholic to sink or swim under their own power. I was taken aback, to realise that what I was doing was enabling, and that realisation was only brought about, by the alcoholic having blamed me for something else entirely. It was in thinking about blame, and responsibility, and consequences, and all of those things, that I realised I have been overstepping my mark. (I haven't quite reached the stage in this, yet, where I feel gratitude for the initial blaming, because it led to my realisation, but I'll get there, I always do.)
I'm not culpable for what another person chooses to do, only for my own choices. I can't be held responsible just because they don't like an outcome, which they, themselves, have set in motion.
I can see that I need to put more effort into detaching - for the rest, my Higher Power will guide me.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
How's That Working For You?
Years ago, I had a friend who was crazy about Dr. Phil - she watched his show every day, and if I happened to drop by while it was on, I had to sit quietly, and not interrupt. (I used to do the mental equivalent of rolling my eyes and sighing heavily, not having reached a place in my life where I could be tolerant or accepting, of that which I didn't like.)
One day the show featured a guest, who was expounding upon the reasons for his harsh treatment of his family. Each time Dr. Phil would point out the limitations of his choices, the guest would "Yes, but..." him. Several of these interjections, and the guest was then allowed to continue without further interruption, rationalising and justifying himself and his choices. When the guest fell silent, Dr. Phil asked: "How's that working for you?"
It was fascinating to watch various expressions chase themselves across the face of this man, as he considered the question - he was dumbfounded. He sat in silence for a moment, then replied, "It isn't."
I've been that guest - rationalising, caught up in defending, explaining: quite unable to listen or see, until brought up short by someone else's wisdom. That's why I'm grateful for program: for the people who faithfully attend meetings, and share their experience, strength, and hope with me.
I'm beginning to suspect that my 4 th Step inventory this time around, is going to be one of the tidal wave kind - washing away all before it.
I've experienced a couple of these over the years I've been in Al-Anon, and they are a wild ride. The wave sweeps through, and then recedes. I climb down from the safety of my observation point and wander around - a little dazed and shaken, but otherwise unharmed. I see to my astonishment that my house of self has been lifted completely off its foundations, given a quarter-turn, and set back down. My line of sight has changed. It takes a bit of getting used to, but the new placement offers me a view previously obscured by the walls of my assumptions and beliefs.
If I am willing, accepting, and open to the process, I believe that I'll be graced with a leap forward in my personal growth -understanding, compassion, love.
One day the show featured a guest, who was expounding upon the reasons for his harsh treatment of his family. Each time Dr. Phil would point out the limitations of his choices, the guest would "Yes, but..." him. Several of these interjections, and the guest was then allowed to continue without further interruption, rationalising and justifying himself and his choices. When the guest fell silent, Dr. Phil asked: "How's that working for you?"
It was fascinating to watch various expressions chase themselves across the face of this man, as he considered the question - he was dumbfounded. He sat in silence for a moment, then replied, "It isn't."
I've been that guest - rationalising, caught up in defending, explaining: quite unable to listen or see, until brought up short by someone else's wisdom. That's why I'm grateful for program: for the people who faithfully attend meetings, and share their experience, strength, and hope with me.
I'm beginning to suspect that my 4 th Step inventory this time around, is going to be one of the tidal wave kind - washing away all before it.
I've experienced a couple of these over the years I've been in Al-Anon, and they are a wild ride. The wave sweeps through, and then recedes. I climb down from the safety of my observation point and wander around - a little dazed and shaken, but otherwise unharmed. I see to my astonishment that my house of self has been lifted completely off its foundations, given a quarter-turn, and set back down. My line of sight has changed. It takes a bit of getting used to, but the new placement offers me a view previously obscured by the walls of my assumptions and beliefs.
If I am willing, accepting, and open to the process, I believe that I'll be graced with a leap forward in my personal growth -understanding, compassion, love.
Friday, May 7, 2010
What Do Experts Know, Anyway?
I've had another one of those come-uppances that seem so frequent for we stubborn-mule-type persons. When I took up watercolor, I bought the cheapest paints and brushes available. My spouse suggested I get a better quality, but did I listen? I did not. I struggled and fought with those materials until today, when I went to the store, and bought 3 good brushes and some decent tubes of watercolor paint.
(Just like a car on the flatlands, you can see this coming a mile away, right?) What a difference! All those how-to books were right when they said paint and brush quality matters, and contribute to the ease of creation. I was telling this to my ever-patient spouse, who to their credit, merely murmured, "Fancy that!"
One aspect of watercolor that is most attractive, is the transparency of the pigments - cheap paints contain so much filler that this transparency is almost lost. I'm doing a painting for a friend, of yellow flowers, and the cheap paint had a chalky sort of consistency to the yellow - this better quality brand is beautifully transparent, and glows. The paper lights up with it.
As soon as I'd squeezed out some blobs of paint and began to work on my painting, I was thrilled to see the change; even when thinned considerably with water, these paints have a lovely intensity.
Must be my week for humbling lessons. I'll think I've progressed in Al-Anon, until I find I'm having this particular lesson again - the one about respecting expertise, and accepting useful information when it's offered freely to me. (Wasn't I just saying that I'm more teachable than I was pre-Al-Anon?)
From painting to program, when my mind is closed because I've decided ahead of time that I know more than the person willing to share their knowledge, I'm turning my face away from a gift. I pray to be more receptive: to these gifts, and the generosity of spirit, of those who offer them.
(Just like a car on the flatlands, you can see this coming a mile away, right?) What a difference! All those how-to books were right when they said paint and brush quality matters, and contribute to the ease of creation. I was telling this to my ever-patient spouse, who to their credit, merely murmured, "Fancy that!"
One aspect of watercolor that is most attractive, is the transparency of the pigments - cheap paints contain so much filler that this transparency is almost lost. I'm doing a painting for a friend, of yellow flowers, and the cheap paint had a chalky sort of consistency to the yellow - this better quality brand is beautifully transparent, and glows. The paper lights up with it.
As soon as I'd squeezed out some blobs of paint and began to work on my painting, I was thrilled to see the change; even when thinned considerably with water, these paints have a lovely intensity.
Must be my week for humbling lessons. I'll think I've progressed in Al-Anon, until I find I'm having this particular lesson again - the one about respecting expertise, and accepting useful information when it's offered freely to me. (Wasn't I just saying that I'm more teachable than I was pre-Al-Anon?)
From painting to program, when my mind is closed because I've decided ahead of time that I know more than the person willing to share their knowledge, I'm turning my face away from a gift. I pray to be more receptive: to these gifts, and the generosity of spirit, of those who offer them.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Self-Deception.
From the ODAT, page 78:
"There is no advantage, no profit, no growth, in deceiving myself merely to escape the consequences of my own mistakes."
Our culture as a whole supports self-deception, we are in fact, encouraged in it - exhorted by advertising, to purchase that which we cannot afford, to impress those who we do not like. We learn to deny, repress, sidestep, defend, justify, and rationalise. We see this behavior modelled by those in government, industry, the entertainment field, everywhere we look. Our justice system allows for "the abuse excuse" and our family members are mowed down like wheat before the blade, with guns wielded by those who may face only the slightest of penalties before being let back out to prey upon us once more.
Honesty is a commodity not much valued, it seems. In this culture, it can feel a bit like "lost and alone in a world full of aliens" to work an honest program, to do our best to keep self-deception to a minimum, to own up to our mistakes, and to accept the consequences. We can be seen as wierdo weaklings engaged in "cult activity."
I've owned up to mistakes only to have the person to whom I'm speaking stare at me in flabbergasted astonishment, as though I'd suddenly sprouted a second head from the side of my neck, and it was talking to them. I've had people not have the slighest idea of how to respond, because they came loaded for bear, expecting me to defend myself, and instead, I've admitted my mistake, and offered an amend.
I've had people who, after I've owned up to a mistake, have forever afterwards viewed me with suspicion, because they "couldn't figure out what I wanted."
Sometimes, working the program can feel a tad lonely out there in the rest of the world, but it becomes a habit, if done long enough, and then one cannot bear to return to the previous crazed misery of "the way we were." I still have a hard time with those looks, though; find myself tempted to glance back over my shoulder, to see if there's an apparition behind me, which is the real cause of their amazement.
"There is no advantage, no profit, no growth, in deceiving myself merely to escape the consequences of my own mistakes."
Our culture as a whole supports self-deception, we are in fact, encouraged in it - exhorted by advertising, to purchase that which we cannot afford, to impress those who we do not like. We learn to deny, repress, sidestep, defend, justify, and rationalise. We see this behavior modelled by those in government, industry, the entertainment field, everywhere we look. Our justice system allows for "the abuse excuse" and our family members are mowed down like wheat before the blade, with guns wielded by those who may face only the slightest of penalties before being let back out to prey upon us once more.
Honesty is a commodity not much valued, it seems. In this culture, it can feel a bit like "lost and alone in a world full of aliens" to work an honest program, to do our best to keep self-deception to a minimum, to own up to our mistakes, and to accept the consequences. We can be seen as wierdo weaklings engaged in "cult activity."
I've owned up to mistakes only to have the person to whom I'm speaking stare at me in flabbergasted astonishment, as though I'd suddenly sprouted a second head from the side of my neck, and it was talking to them. I've had people not have the slighest idea of how to respond, because they came loaded for bear, expecting me to defend myself, and instead, I've admitted my mistake, and offered an amend.
I've had people who, after I've owned up to a mistake, have forever afterwards viewed me with suspicion, because they "couldn't figure out what I wanted."
Sometimes, working the program can feel a tad lonely out there in the rest of the world, but it becomes a habit, if done long enough, and then one cannot bear to return to the previous crazed misery of "the way we were." I still have a hard time with those looks, though; find myself tempted to glance back over my shoulder, to see if there's an apparition behind me, which is the real cause of their amazement.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wresting My Attention Back Where It Belongs.
From the ODAT, page 58:
"When I ask, "Why does he drink when he knows it damages him and his family?" I really mean: "How can he justify what he is doing?", implying a condemnation I have no right to make. Al-Anon teaches me that the drinker knows no more about his compulsion than I do. I know he suffers from it, too. I will not waste time and energy trying to "figure out the alcoholic." I will concentrate on figuring out why I do what I do."
When I get caught up in trying to decipher the meanings of another person's words or behavior, I have lost my focus. I am engaged in an exercise which will swallow entire swathes of time in my life, to no end, since I'm never going to be able to achieve the level of understanding that I'd love to attain.
Or think I'd love - who knows if I'd be any more satisfied than I am at this moment? Just why does why seem so important? Do I still carry the belief that if I knew why, I could accept more easily?
The first time I read that page, and realised that I was doing that very thing of wanting the alcoholic to justify his behavior, I felt a tremor run through the bedrock of my certainty. (My entire position in that marriage was one of being in the right, while he was in the wrong - I cringe to remember my righteous indignation and stubborn judgement of the alcoholic.)
That was a beginning for me, when I was new to program, to realise that if I'd already said whatever I was about to say, did I need to repeat it, or was I striving to control the uncontrollable? From the starting point of keeping my words to myself, I had to then work, to wrest my focus back onto myself. I found it supremely difficult, because as an Al-Anon friend joked, "The alcoholic keeps giving me so much material to work with!"
Keep your hands in your own pockets. Clean your own side of the street. Tidy your own closet. All ways of saying: mind your own business, and leave the alcoholic to his/her Higher Power. I can, if I'm honest, occupy myself quite satisfactorily for the rest of my days, with tidying my own closet, since it seems that I no sooner get it all organised and close the door, than it re-jumbles itself to the point that the door won't close, and all my character defects are once more sliding from hangers onto the floor, and the sheer volume of accumulated assumptions and other stuff, is making it impossible for me to find anything comfortable that I'd want to wear.
Life is a journey; I choose my direction. I choose to walk either toward recovery, or back to the cave. And I make that choice every time I take a step. I pray to be given the ability to recognise when I'm heading in the wrong direction while telling myself and others that no, really, I'm not going backwards, that's an optical illusion - something to do with the light this time of day.
"When I ask, "Why does he drink when he knows it damages him and his family?" I really mean: "How can he justify what he is doing?", implying a condemnation I have no right to make. Al-Anon teaches me that the drinker knows no more about his compulsion than I do. I know he suffers from it, too. I will not waste time and energy trying to "figure out the alcoholic." I will concentrate on figuring out why I do what I do."
When I get caught up in trying to decipher the meanings of another person's words or behavior, I have lost my focus. I am engaged in an exercise which will swallow entire swathes of time in my life, to no end, since I'm never going to be able to achieve the level of understanding that I'd love to attain.
Or think I'd love - who knows if I'd be any more satisfied than I am at this moment? Just why does why seem so important? Do I still carry the belief that if I knew why, I could accept more easily?
The first time I read that page, and realised that I was doing that very thing of wanting the alcoholic to justify his behavior, I felt a tremor run through the bedrock of my certainty. (My entire position in that marriage was one of being in the right, while he was in the wrong - I cringe to remember my righteous indignation and stubborn judgement of the alcoholic.)
That was a beginning for me, when I was new to program, to realise that if I'd already said whatever I was about to say, did I need to repeat it, or was I striving to control the uncontrollable? From the starting point of keeping my words to myself, I had to then work, to wrest my focus back onto myself. I found it supremely difficult, because as an Al-Anon friend joked, "The alcoholic keeps giving me so much material to work with!"
Keep your hands in your own pockets. Clean your own side of the street. Tidy your own closet. All ways of saying: mind your own business, and leave the alcoholic to his/her Higher Power. I can, if I'm honest, occupy myself quite satisfactorily for the rest of my days, with tidying my own closet, since it seems that I no sooner get it all organised and close the door, than it re-jumbles itself to the point that the door won't close, and all my character defects are once more sliding from hangers onto the floor, and the sheer volume of accumulated assumptions and other stuff, is making it impossible for me to find anything comfortable that I'd want to wear.
Life is a journey; I choose my direction. I choose to walk either toward recovery, or back to the cave. And I make that choice every time I take a step. I pray to be given the ability to recognise when I'm heading in the wrong direction while telling myself and others that no, really, I'm not going backwards, that's an optical illusion - something to do with the light this time of day.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
My Standards Of Behavior.
Garnet left a comment yesterday, which made me laugh out loud:
"Sometimes I have to remind myself that if everyone had to behave according to my standards, I'd be one lonely bunny."
I went about my day with that thought lodged firmly in the forefront of my mind, trying to do an honest inventory about it, and once I'd worked my way past the "I wish they'd just ___instead of ___," decided that I needed to find a meeting to attend. The only one last night was in a town a half hour's drive away, so off I went. And what was the topic?
Step 1 - "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable."
Then this morning, I came here to my blog, and found the second comment on yesterday's post, about being loving when our alcoholic is stressed out and reacting to that stress.
(My Higher Power likes to pound the lesson home, because I'm stubborn and a slow learner.)
Some days, I cringe to realise how judgemental I still am, and wonder if I'm ever going to be able to eradicate the judge inside my head? Or at least be able to lock her in a back room somewhere, so her voice is an unintelligible murmur, easier to ignore.
Driving back from the meeting last night, I was thinking about the way I choose to deal with "argument mode" by withdrawing, and how I don't feel good about it. I know they're in that headspace because they are stressed, my withdrawing most likely adds to the stress, and how could I deal with it in such a way as to keep my sanity intact, without being unkind? It's a tightrope walk I don't do very well. I don't do at all well if I get defensive and take the arguing personally, as I did on the weekend.
That led to contemplation of why do I allow argument mode to bother me so much, anyway? Is it that I feel I'm being criticised or negated, or told that I am wrong, and my ego is offended? All of that, probably. So once again, we come around to ego, and who is driving this vehicle anyway, the rational me, or my ego?
Sometimes one, sometimes the other. My rational self is a good driver, focused upon arriving safely, and driving courteously. My ego is one of those hot-headed lunatics who zips in and out of lanes without signalling, and becomes infuriated at those who don't drive according to her standards. With my ego in the driver's seat, it's a wild ride, and I cannot enjoy the scenery of my daily life, because I'm bracing for the crash. I get out at my destination, and stoop to kiss the ground, for having once more, somehow, by the grace of God, safely arrived.
So, begin once more at the beginning, with Step 1. Admit my powerlessness, admit the unmanagability, admit my character defects, and taking my ego firmly but gently by the arm, lead her around to the passenger seat, make sure she fastens her seat belt, then get behind the wheel myself, take a deep breath, and start the car.
So it goes. One day at a time.
"Sometimes I have to remind myself that if everyone had to behave according to my standards, I'd be one lonely bunny."
I went about my day with that thought lodged firmly in the forefront of my mind, trying to do an honest inventory about it, and once I'd worked my way past the "I wish they'd just ___instead of ___," decided that I needed to find a meeting to attend. The only one last night was in a town a half hour's drive away, so off I went. And what was the topic?
Step 1 - "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable."
Then this morning, I came here to my blog, and found the second comment on yesterday's post, about being loving when our alcoholic is stressed out and reacting to that stress.
(My Higher Power likes to pound the lesson home, because I'm stubborn and a slow learner.)
Some days, I cringe to realise how judgemental I still am, and wonder if I'm ever going to be able to eradicate the judge inside my head? Or at least be able to lock her in a back room somewhere, so her voice is an unintelligible murmur, easier to ignore.
Driving back from the meeting last night, I was thinking about the way I choose to deal with "argument mode" by withdrawing, and how I don't feel good about it. I know they're in that headspace because they are stressed, my withdrawing most likely adds to the stress, and how could I deal with it in such a way as to keep my sanity intact, without being unkind? It's a tightrope walk I don't do very well. I don't do at all well if I get defensive and take the arguing personally, as I did on the weekend.
That led to contemplation of why do I allow argument mode to bother me so much, anyway? Is it that I feel I'm being criticised or negated, or told that I am wrong, and my ego is offended? All of that, probably. So once again, we come around to ego, and who is driving this vehicle anyway, the rational me, or my ego?
Sometimes one, sometimes the other. My rational self is a good driver, focused upon arriving safely, and driving courteously. My ego is one of those hot-headed lunatics who zips in and out of lanes without signalling, and becomes infuriated at those who don't drive according to her standards. With my ego in the driver's seat, it's a wild ride, and I cannot enjoy the scenery of my daily life, because I'm bracing for the crash. I get out at my destination, and stoop to kiss the ground, for having once more, somehow, by the grace of God, safely arrived.
So, begin once more at the beginning, with Step 1. Admit my powerlessness, admit the unmanagability, admit my character defects, and taking my ego firmly but gently by the arm, lead her around to the passenger seat, make sure she fastens her seat belt, then get behind the wheel myself, take a deep breath, and start the car.
So it goes. One day at a time.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Continued To Take Personal Inventory...
...and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
When first faced with this Step, I had visions of flaying myself in front of other people, the same way I did inside my head. It's not about self-castigation, although I can get lost down that sideroad quite easily if I'm in HALT, or stressed out.
It's about honesty - examining my motives without the rose-colored glasses I'm tempted to don, when viewing my own behavior. I can always find a reason for which it makes perfect sense that I behaved that way; what I need to keep in the forefront of my mind, is that what I describe as "perfect sense" may, when viewed objectively, not be so clear-cut, or so defensible.
In my early twenties, I had a friend who loved to debate. I'd make some wildly sweeping remark, and he'd look at me for a moment, then command, "Argue your point!" Meaning, don't just plunk down that nicely polished finished result of a statement: show me how you got from A to B, and be prepared to have some good bulwarks supporting that judgemental pronouncement, or be swept away downstream with the force of his side of the argument. He'd never let me get away with anything; I learned to temper my statements in his presence.
My first sponsor also did this - she called me to account, and left me no wiggle-room. I had days where I hated her for that. When I had more years of recovery, I confessed that feeling to her, and she fell about laughing - she'd known it all the time. She told me I had a way of pressing my lips together and narrowing my eyes that was a clear indication that she was infuriating me. She would know she was hitting home with whatever observations she was making, by the level of my annoyance. She joked it was like having one of those "you are HERE" signs one finds in malls, with arrows pointing to various destinations.
I was a well-defended individual when I entered Al-Anon; finding the way to my inner self was no easy task, and some days, I despaired of ever reaching my goal of rigorous honesty with myself.
I can't kid myself to the same extent anymore, and some days, I miss being able to, I won't deny it. Life was easier when my behavior was the fault of someone else. When the only person responsible for my behavior is me, I have nowhere to hide from myself or others. I'm out there without the mask of pretense, or the cloak of self-justification.
When first faced with this Step, I had visions of flaying myself in front of other people, the same way I did inside my head. It's not about self-castigation, although I can get lost down that sideroad quite easily if I'm in HALT, or stressed out.
It's about honesty - examining my motives without the rose-colored glasses I'm tempted to don, when viewing my own behavior. I can always find a reason for which it makes perfect sense that I behaved that way; what I need to keep in the forefront of my mind, is that what I describe as "perfect sense" may, when viewed objectively, not be so clear-cut, or so defensible.
In my early twenties, I had a friend who loved to debate. I'd make some wildly sweeping remark, and he'd look at me for a moment, then command, "Argue your point!" Meaning, don't just plunk down that nicely polished finished result of a statement: show me how you got from A to B, and be prepared to have some good bulwarks supporting that judgemental pronouncement, or be swept away downstream with the force of his side of the argument. He'd never let me get away with anything; I learned to temper my statements in his presence.
My first sponsor also did this - she called me to account, and left me no wiggle-room. I had days where I hated her for that. When I had more years of recovery, I confessed that feeling to her, and she fell about laughing - she'd known it all the time. She told me I had a way of pressing my lips together and narrowing my eyes that was a clear indication that she was infuriating me. She would know she was hitting home with whatever observations she was making, by the level of my annoyance. She joked it was like having one of those "you are HERE" signs one finds in malls, with arrows pointing to various destinations.
I was a well-defended individual when I entered Al-Anon; finding the way to my inner self was no easy task, and some days, I despaired of ever reaching my goal of rigorous honesty with myself.
I can't kid myself to the same extent anymore, and some days, I miss being able to, I won't deny it. Life was easier when my behavior was the fault of someone else. When the only person responsible for my behavior is me, I have nowhere to hide from myself or others. I'm out there without the mask of pretense, or the cloak of self-justification.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Striking A Happy Medium.
Some of us are not adroit listeners; we dismiss points of view different from our own, and ride over protests or comments like a personnel carrier moving toward a previously set objective.
Some aren't at all skilled at "social signals" - those little nonverbal communications demonstrating that our listeners are becoming irritated, impatient, bored or restless.
Conversely, some of us examine people's faces as though we were intelligence service operatives, always checking and rechecking, to see if we can distinguish from facial twitches and eye movements, how they are feeling towards us. My ex once said with great feeling, "Stop gawking at me!" (I was thoroughly offended at the time, but now that makes me laugh; I did gawk at him. He wouldn't tell me how he felt, so I was always trying to discern it. I'd find it very disconcerting to be watched all the time, the way I used to watch him.)
Before Al-Anon, I was not a person who was capable of finding a happy medium. I was an unhappy person who operated at one extreme or the other. I didn't know how to compromise.
In Al-Anon, I have learned that others deserve my respect simply because they are here on this earth. I can demonstrate my respect by allowing them equal time to be heard, and truly listening. I don't have to agree, but I do need to listen. I can be aware of my innate desire to lecture and manage, and work to behave differently. And it is work, hard work, sometimes. I'm going against years of behaving a certain way; until my new behavior becomes second nature, I need to pay attention to what I am saying and doing.
If I wait until other people start acting the way I want them to, before I am willing to make any changes in myself, I may still be waiting, on the day I leave this earth.
Let it begin with me.
Some aren't at all skilled at "social signals" - those little nonverbal communications demonstrating that our listeners are becoming irritated, impatient, bored or restless.
Conversely, some of us examine people's faces as though we were intelligence service operatives, always checking and rechecking, to see if we can distinguish from facial twitches and eye movements, how they are feeling towards us. My ex once said with great feeling, "Stop gawking at me!" (I was thoroughly offended at the time, but now that makes me laugh; I did gawk at him. He wouldn't tell me how he felt, so I was always trying to discern it. I'd find it very disconcerting to be watched all the time, the way I used to watch him.)
Before Al-Anon, I was not a person who was capable of finding a happy medium. I was an unhappy person who operated at one extreme or the other. I didn't know how to compromise.
In Al-Anon, I have learned that others deserve my respect simply because they are here on this earth. I can demonstrate my respect by allowing them equal time to be heard, and truly listening. I don't have to agree, but I do need to listen. I can be aware of my innate desire to lecture and manage, and work to behave differently. And it is work, hard work, sometimes. I'm going against years of behaving a certain way; until my new behavior becomes second nature, I need to pay attention to what I am saying and doing.
If I wait until other people start acting the way I want them to, before I am willing to make any changes in myself, I may still be waiting, on the day I leave this earth.
Let it begin with me.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Who's At The Helm?
From the ODAT, page 267:
"One of our delusions is that we, as spouses of alcoholics, are "running the show." This form of self-deception can only increase our frustrations. It makes the home a battleground in which the alcoholic has the best chance of winning every encounter. We are often outwitted by the alcoholic's lightning changes of mood, his promises, challenges, and other maneuvers. This is the best reason for detaching our minds and seeking a peaceful, orderly way of life within ourselves."
Whenever I forget these truths about alcoholism, I will suffer for it. I get caught up in wanting to control, and when I do that, I am advancing out onto the branch, and handing the alcoholic the chainsaw.
"One of our delusions is that we, as spouses of alcoholics, are "running the show." This form of self-deception can only increase our frustrations. It makes the home a battleground in which the alcoholic has the best chance of winning every encounter. We are often outwitted by the alcoholic's lightning changes of mood, his promises, challenges, and other maneuvers. This is the best reason for detaching our minds and seeking a peaceful, orderly way of life within ourselves."
Whenever I forget these truths about alcoholism, I will suffer for it. I get caught up in wanting to control, and when I do that, I am advancing out onto the branch, and handing the alcoholic the chainsaw.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Working The Steps.
I was laying out patterns and cutting fabric last night. I enjoy sewing; it's satisfying to start with a piece of material, and end with a new garment to wear. I like being able to choose material and pattern style, and I like having clothes that are unique. I have sufficient expertise to be able to make myself anything, from winter coats to summer dresses, and enough recovery not to drive myself insane in an attempt at perfection, although I do have to remind myself now and then that I'm making this dress for myself, and not the queen.
While I was engaged in this pursuit, I was thinking about an AA speaker I'd listened to earlier in the day, who'd said that if one never does anything but attend meetings, it's possible to stay sober, but you won't have much recovery - for that, you need to work the Steps. I believe this to be equally as true for those of us in Al-Anon - when I began to work the Steps, I began to change and grow.
The construction of a garment follows a certain logical progression. One can't sew the facings onto the neck opening, until one has created a neck opening, by stitching the front and back together at the shoulder seams.
I grant you that every now and then, a design element may require a bit of a change in how the garment is put together, but by and large, B not only follows A, it's a requirement, before one can proceed to C.
I believe this to be true for the Steps. Until I take the First Step, I cannot take any of the others - I must surrender. I must admit my powerlessness. If I'm still "reserving judgement" about the First Step, as I heard someone say at a meeting recently, how on earth can I be willing to turn my life over? This speaker had passed right over Step 1, 2, and 3, and tried to start at Step 4, with disastrous results. How can I do a searching and fearless moral inventory, if I'm still convinced that I'm right in all areas? How can I learn if I cannot listen and accept another reality apart from the one I've constructed?
When it comes to sewing, I don't fight the logical progression of garment construction, I just follow the instructions, because experience has taught me that the creators of the pattern know best how to assemble the garment.
When it comes to Al-Anon, I don't fight the logical progression of the Steps, I follow them in a serene faith, because once again, experience has taught me that my Creator knows best how to run my life, and by accepting that piece of reality, I will be relieved, joyous, and free.
Al-Anon gives us a pattern for a new way of living; it's up to us whether we use it, or whether we continue to just hack some likely-looking pieces out of the material, stitch them together, and then complain that they don't fit very well, and are hellishly uncomfortable.
While I was engaged in this pursuit, I was thinking about an AA speaker I'd listened to earlier in the day, who'd said that if one never does anything but attend meetings, it's possible to stay sober, but you won't have much recovery - for that, you need to work the Steps. I believe this to be equally as true for those of us in Al-Anon - when I began to work the Steps, I began to change and grow.
The construction of a garment follows a certain logical progression. One can't sew the facings onto the neck opening, until one has created a neck opening, by stitching the front and back together at the shoulder seams.
I grant you that every now and then, a design element may require a bit of a change in how the garment is put together, but by and large, B not only follows A, it's a requirement, before one can proceed to C.
I believe this to be true for the Steps. Until I take the First Step, I cannot take any of the others - I must surrender. I must admit my powerlessness. If I'm still "reserving judgement" about the First Step, as I heard someone say at a meeting recently, how on earth can I be willing to turn my life over? This speaker had passed right over Step 1, 2, and 3, and tried to start at Step 4, with disastrous results. How can I do a searching and fearless moral inventory, if I'm still convinced that I'm right in all areas? How can I learn if I cannot listen and accept another reality apart from the one I've constructed?
When it comes to sewing, I don't fight the logical progression of garment construction, I just follow the instructions, because experience has taught me that the creators of the pattern know best how to assemble the garment.
When it comes to Al-Anon, I don't fight the logical progression of the Steps, I follow them in a serene faith, because once again, experience has taught me that my Creator knows best how to run my life, and by accepting that piece of reality, I will be relieved, joyous, and free.
Al-Anon gives us a pattern for a new way of living; it's up to us whether we use it, or whether we continue to just hack some likely-looking pieces out of the material, stitch them together, and then complain that they don't fit very well, and are hellishly uncomfortable.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
"I Didn't Like It When You..." - Setting Boundaries.
My ideas regarding just what this involves, have changed considerably, over the time I've been working 12-step. I started out seeing it as something I needed to do, in order to stop other people from taking advantage of me. I've slowly come to believe that I need to do it for that reason, yes, but I also need to be on top of this, in order to avoid my own bad habits of getting myself into emotional confusions.
As a co-dependent, my own triggers have caused me endless misery, and I would struggle and suffer and fume and fret, all the while thinking this was the fault of the other person. 12-step teaches me that I'm responsible for my own mental and emotional health, and if I don't want to get wet, I need to come in out of the rain. Standing outside in a bucketing downpour and railing at the clouds for soaking me, is a senseless waste of my time.
I've done the emotional equivalent a few too many times in my life. My desire to fix/help/solve/find a solution has caused me grief I needn't have felt, had I only been aware of the pre-storm smell of ozone. When I see the clouds slowly gathering and darkening, that is the time to set a boundary, excuse myself politely, and find shelter.
As a result of Al-Anon, I'm more likely to realise, at an earlier stage of a friendship, that this isn't healthy for me. I'm going through this right now, and I'm trying to stay open to it, instead of doing what I've chosen to do so many times in the past: deny the reality, make allowances for unacceptable behavior, because I'm uncomfortable, and my discomfort is such that I'd rather pretend it isn't happening, because if I admit it is, I have to take some kind of action.
I'm trying to accept reality, admit my feelings - some sadnesss, that this person whose company I enjoy, has problems/behaviors/beliefs to which I am unwilling to subject myself to regular exposure, because doing so triggers my own bad habits and thinking. It's like alcoholics not hanging out with friends who drink - it's not healthy, and it can undercut my serenity.
I need to set a boundary for myself, not the other person. I cannot change anyone but myself. I'm endeavoring to learn this lesson earlier in the process, so that I don't have to suffer so much when the inevitable happens, and my recovery demands detachment. I'm trying to be aware more of the time, because denial never, ever, works, on a long-term basis.
As a co-dependent, my own triggers have caused me endless misery, and I would struggle and suffer and fume and fret, all the while thinking this was the fault of the other person. 12-step teaches me that I'm responsible for my own mental and emotional health, and if I don't want to get wet, I need to come in out of the rain. Standing outside in a bucketing downpour and railing at the clouds for soaking me, is a senseless waste of my time.
I've done the emotional equivalent a few too many times in my life. My desire to fix/help/solve/find a solution has caused me grief I needn't have felt, had I only been aware of the pre-storm smell of ozone. When I see the clouds slowly gathering and darkening, that is the time to set a boundary, excuse myself politely, and find shelter.
As a result of Al-Anon, I'm more likely to realise, at an earlier stage of a friendship, that this isn't healthy for me. I'm going through this right now, and I'm trying to stay open to it, instead of doing what I've chosen to do so many times in the past: deny the reality, make allowances for unacceptable behavior, because I'm uncomfortable, and my discomfort is such that I'd rather pretend it isn't happening, because if I admit it is, I have to take some kind of action.
I'm trying to accept reality, admit my feelings - some sadnesss, that this person whose company I enjoy, has problems/behaviors/beliefs to which I am unwilling to subject myself to regular exposure, because doing so triggers my own bad habits and thinking. It's like alcoholics not hanging out with friends who drink - it's not healthy, and it can undercut my serenity.
I need to set a boundary for myself, not the other person. I cannot change anyone but myself. I'm endeavoring to learn this lesson earlier in the process, so that I don't have to suffer so much when the inevitable happens, and my recovery demands detachment. I'm trying to be aware more of the time, because denial never, ever, works, on a long-term basis.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Exact Nature of Our Wrongs.
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
When I was new to Al-Anon, I believed this step was about admitting my wrongs to another person, and to a degree, this is true. But this step also addresses one of my foibles - self-deception.
In my perceptions of others, I am usually close to the mark. Never have I been as astounded by the discovery of someone else's true nature, as I have been by my own self-deceptions.
For all our adroitness, we humans can be almost transparent in our manoeuverings. We've all been in the position of listening to a friend or colleague tell us something patently untrue about their nature: been dumbfounded at their ability to fool themselves into believing that nonsense. How many of us have been willing to face our own ability to dissimulate?
If I adhere to my old convictions, I am standing in my own way. If I cannot admit to myself the exact nature of my wrongs, I am the only one who isn't aware of them. Those closest to me would easily be able to list my faults.
When I did my first step 5, I was terrified that admitting my faults to another human being would bring shame upon me. I was taken aback to discover that my sponsor already knew all about my character defects, could, in fact, discuss them at some length. She may not have been aware of my wrongs as far as what I did, but she absolutely knew how I thought, and even how I might be feeling as a result of that thinking.
This was a hugely freeing lesson - that I needn't try to disguise myself. It's an exercise in futility, takes up far too much of my energy, and wastes time I could spend upon my recovery. I still use humour when I'm nervous or uncomfortable, but I use it for a different reason - to share joy in life, rather than to hide behind. Shared laughter brings us closer to others. Program keeps us safe, even in that proximity.
When I was new to Al-Anon, I believed this step was about admitting my wrongs to another person, and to a degree, this is true. But this step also addresses one of my foibles - self-deception.
In my perceptions of others, I am usually close to the mark. Never have I been as astounded by the discovery of someone else's true nature, as I have been by my own self-deceptions.
For all our adroitness, we humans can be almost transparent in our manoeuverings. We've all been in the position of listening to a friend or colleague tell us something patently untrue about their nature: been dumbfounded at their ability to fool themselves into believing that nonsense. How many of us have been willing to face our own ability to dissimulate?
If I adhere to my old convictions, I am standing in my own way. If I cannot admit to myself the exact nature of my wrongs, I am the only one who isn't aware of them. Those closest to me would easily be able to list my faults.
When I did my first step 5, I was terrified that admitting my faults to another human being would bring shame upon me. I was taken aback to discover that my sponsor already knew all about my character defects, could, in fact, discuss them at some length. She may not have been aware of my wrongs as far as what I did, but she absolutely knew how I thought, and even how I might be feeling as a result of that thinking.
This was a hugely freeing lesson - that I needn't try to disguise myself. It's an exercise in futility, takes up far too much of my energy, and wastes time I could spend upon my recovery. I still use humour when I'm nervous or uncomfortable, but I use it for a different reason - to share joy in life, rather than to hide behind. Shared laughter brings us closer to others. Program keeps us safe, even in that proximity.
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