I'm going in next Tuesday for another day surgery. Ugh. I have a lump which the radiologist considers to be an abscess, and the oncologist isn't sure what it is. Either way, abscess or otherwise, it either has to be biopsied, or if it is an abscess, drained. So I'm going back to the hospital again. I'm deeply grateful that it's going to be day surgery, and I can go home afterwards.
I'm struggling a bit with this. I've reached a limit of some sort, and feel like I've had enough, already. I don't want to go to the hospital again, I was just there two weeks ago getting a chemo port put into my chest.
But the sun is shining today, and I've got plenty of blessings for which to be grateful, so I'm trying to shut out the whining voice in my head, ask my Higher Power for help, keep calm, and carry on.
Showing posts with label willingness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label willingness. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Friday, January 2, 2015
The Practise of Gratitude.
A reader of this blog asked me to elaborate upon what I mean when I write about "practising gratitude."
I was taught by my first sponsor that gratitude doesn't just come upon us unannounced - not at first, it doesn't, because most of us come into Al-Anon full of anger, resentment, self-pity, and other strong emotions. Not only does there not seem to be any room inside our heads for gratitude, but I for one, couldn't find a darn thing to be grateful for. One of the tools in my arsenal was sarcasm, and I used it liberally, slathering it over my daily life, steeping myself in cynicism and negativity.
I thought anyone with a positive attitude had to be a fool, or at the very least, faking it.
My sponsor pointed out to me that whatever opinion I decided to maintain, was my choice, and mine alone. If I wanted to stay miserable, I could clutch onto my negative opinion about life, carry it forward with me, and it would poison all that I saw, experienced, and felt.
Or I could begin to practise gratitude. For me, the beginning was not just to practise gratitude, but to force it. It didn't come naturally to me, to any degree. At the start, I would try to find one thing to feel grateful about, and fail completely.
I was utterly blind to the fact that I had plenty about which I could feel gratitude, if I so chose. I was well-fed, well-clothed, comfortably housed, had a vehicle to drive, a dog I adored, and friends who loved me. I was rich with opportunities for gratitude, it was just that I always had my face turned away from those riches, and towards the alcoholic, and the alcoholism, or the miseries of my childhood.
An AA speaker I really like, Bob B, spoke in one of his talks about getting up every morning, and choosing to "paste something to my eyeball, and that's what I see all day long. If I paste something which is annoying and frustrating to me, I'll be annoyed and frustrated all day. If I paste gratitude, I'll be grateful and blessed all day."
Emotions are powerful, and can have us swinging like a pendulum. But gratitude is more powerful. Gratitude can centre and calm me, regardless of the level of my discontent or upset when I start.
I began by forcing gratitude, as I mentioned earlier in this. I wrote down a list of things for which I could be grateful, had it always with me, and when my mood began to sour, I would pick one or two things on my list, and begin to silently thank my Higher Power for whatever it was. After a few dozen (or hundred) repetitions, I would begin to feel grateful for it.
Practise gratitude the way you'd practise the piano if you were trying to learn to play. You wouldn't walk past it, and hope that soon you'd be good at it, while never opening the lid, would you? No, you'd find regular periods of time in which you could sit down and practise. Well gratitude is the same. I needed to practise the habit of gratitude by forcing gratitude. And the way I did that, was by thanking my Higher Power, for the things on the list I'd compiled with my sponsor.
Do you have fresh running water? A warm, safe place to sleep? Start there. Be grateful for the big things, and the rest will follow. Bless you.
I was taught by my first sponsor that gratitude doesn't just come upon us unannounced - not at first, it doesn't, because most of us come into Al-Anon full of anger, resentment, self-pity, and other strong emotions. Not only does there not seem to be any room inside our heads for gratitude, but I for one, couldn't find a darn thing to be grateful for. One of the tools in my arsenal was sarcasm, and I used it liberally, slathering it over my daily life, steeping myself in cynicism and negativity.
I thought anyone with a positive attitude had to be a fool, or at the very least, faking it.
My sponsor pointed out to me that whatever opinion I decided to maintain, was my choice, and mine alone. If I wanted to stay miserable, I could clutch onto my negative opinion about life, carry it forward with me, and it would poison all that I saw, experienced, and felt.
Or I could begin to practise gratitude. For me, the beginning was not just to practise gratitude, but to force it. It didn't come naturally to me, to any degree. At the start, I would try to find one thing to feel grateful about, and fail completely.
I was utterly blind to the fact that I had plenty about which I could feel gratitude, if I so chose. I was well-fed, well-clothed, comfortably housed, had a vehicle to drive, a dog I adored, and friends who loved me. I was rich with opportunities for gratitude, it was just that I always had my face turned away from those riches, and towards the alcoholic, and the alcoholism, or the miseries of my childhood.
An AA speaker I really like, Bob B, spoke in one of his talks about getting up every morning, and choosing to "paste something to my eyeball, and that's what I see all day long. If I paste something which is annoying and frustrating to me, I'll be annoyed and frustrated all day. If I paste gratitude, I'll be grateful and blessed all day."
Emotions are powerful, and can have us swinging like a pendulum. But gratitude is more powerful. Gratitude can centre and calm me, regardless of the level of my discontent or upset when I start.
I began by forcing gratitude, as I mentioned earlier in this. I wrote down a list of things for which I could be grateful, had it always with me, and when my mood began to sour, I would pick one or two things on my list, and begin to silently thank my Higher Power for whatever it was. After a few dozen (or hundred) repetitions, I would begin to feel grateful for it.
Practise gratitude the way you'd practise the piano if you were trying to learn to play. You wouldn't walk past it, and hope that soon you'd be good at it, while never opening the lid, would you? No, you'd find regular periods of time in which you could sit down and practise. Well gratitude is the same. I needed to practise the habit of gratitude by forcing gratitude. And the way I did that, was by thanking my Higher Power, for the things on the list I'd compiled with my sponsor.
Do you have fresh running water? A warm, safe place to sleep? Start there. Be grateful for the big things, and the rest will follow. Bless you.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Why Is This Happening?
In the last month or so, I've been waking up two to three hours before my usual time. In the past, I'd have fixated upon this change in sleeping habits, and worried it like a dog with a stuffed toy, chewing it over, trying to find a reason, wanting to know why.
I've reached a place in my life where I can shrug and accept some changes, see them as preparation for I know not what, and take advantage of what they offer to me. I was thinking about this last night, as I was doing my usual tidying up before going to bed. (One aspect of living alone that I really like is getting up to a clean kitchen.) I wondered if I wasn't sleeping later in the last year before I left my marriage because of depression, but it doesn't matter. I don't have that burning need to know why, before I can accept. I can get up earlier, enjoy having more time in my morning, and I'm grateful for that.
I like this from Courage to Change, page 97:
"I have to accept that I, too, display symptoms similar to those of the alcoholic, among them obsession, anxiety, anger, denial, and feelings of guilt. These reactions to alcoholism affect my relationships and the quality of my life, but as I learn to recognise them and to accept that I have been affected by a disease. I begin to heal. In time, I discover feelings of self-worth, love, and spiritual connectedness that help me to counteract the old responses. Mo matter how severely I have been affected, Al-Anon can help restore me to sanity. "
That's the great thing about this program; it matters not how crazy I have been. If I truly work to make changes in my attitude, my life will change.
Before I learned to accept many aspects of life as they are, waking up earlier than usual by a few hours would have given me an opportunity to drive myself up a wall, trying to figure out why this was happening. I'd have wanted a reason, and a good reason at that. I joked with my sponsor last week that my Higher Power was waking me up earlier because there's some plan for me. She laughed, because she too is a night owl, and is always giving herself heck for sleeping too late. Even at the age of 83, she still has the idea that she "should" be getting up earlier.
I'm going to spend the afternoon with her today, that's always a gift and a pleasure. I appreciate her willingness to work with me, and her humourous take on life.
I've reached a place in my life where I can shrug and accept some changes, see them as preparation for I know not what, and take advantage of what they offer to me. I was thinking about this last night, as I was doing my usual tidying up before going to bed. (One aspect of living alone that I really like is getting up to a clean kitchen.) I wondered if I wasn't sleeping later in the last year before I left my marriage because of depression, but it doesn't matter. I don't have that burning need to know why, before I can accept. I can get up earlier, enjoy having more time in my morning, and I'm grateful for that.
I like this from Courage to Change, page 97:
"I have to accept that I, too, display symptoms similar to those of the alcoholic, among them obsession, anxiety, anger, denial, and feelings of guilt. These reactions to alcoholism affect my relationships and the quality of my life, but as I learn to recognise them and to accept that I have been affected by a disease. I begin to heal. In time, I discover feelings of self-worth, love, and spiritual connectedness that help me to counteract the old responses. Mo matter how severely I have been affected, Al-Anon can help restore me to sanity. "
That's the great thing about this program; it matters not how crazy I have been. If I truly work to make changes in my attitude, my life will change.
Before I learned to accept many aspects of life as they are, waking up earlier than usual by a few hours would have given me an opportunity to drive myself up a wall, trying to figure out why this was happening. I'd have wanted a reason, and a good reason at that. I joked with my sponsor last week that my Higher Power was waking me up earlier because there's some plan for me. She laughed, because she too is a night owl, and is always giving herself heck for sleeping too late. Even at the age of 83, she still has the idea that she "should" be getting up earlier.
I'm going to spend the afternoon with her today, that's always a gift and a pleasure. I appreciate her willingness to work with me, and her humourous take on life.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Letting Go Of The String, Too.
Last night at coffee after the meeting, someone spoke of a kite analogy they'd heard used to describe the process of "letting go" - we must release not only the body of the kite itself, but also let go of the string. It does me no good to let the body of the kite rise away from me, if I've still got the string wrapped in a stranglehold around my neck.
This, as so often happens, is precisely what I most needed to hear right now. I've been watching myself trying to turn something over, and even though I sincerely desire the freedom I know I'll get when I achieve this, I can't quite manage to let go of that string. Or I let go, it falls from my hand to drag along the ground right in front of me, and I stoop to pick it up "just for a moment," and pretty soon, I'm in that same uncomfortable position of having my arm yanked up, with my shoulder aching from the constant pull.
Letting go of most of something, or almost letting go, or partly letting go, does not work.
I must release my (fearful) grasp, and watch the kite sail out of my reach, body, tail, string and all, come what may. I must be willing to lose sight of it completely, trusting that my HP will look after me. I must be willing to stop straining to see it - resolutely turn and walk in the opposite direction, opening my heart to gratitude. I pray for the willingness to relinquish my illusion of control. to let go of that string.
This, as so often happens, is precisely what I most needed to hear right now. I've been watching myself trying to turn something over, and even though I sincerely desire the freedom I know I'll get when I achieve this, I can't quite manage to let go of that string. Or I let go, it falls from my hand to drag along the ground right in front of me, and I stoop to pick it up "just for a moment," and pretty soon, I'm in that same uncomfortable position of having my arm yanked up, with my shoulder aching from the constant pull.
Letting go of most of something, or almost letting go, or partly letting go, does not work.
I must release my (fearful) grasp, and watch the kite sail out of my reach, body, tail, string and all, come what may. I must be willing to lose sight of it completely, trusting that my HP will look after me. I must be willing to stop straining to see it - resolutely turn and walk in the opposite direction, opening my heart to gratitude. I pray for the willingness to relinquish my illusion of control. to let go of that string.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Judgement.
I met with a sponsee yesterday, and the topic of judgement arose, as it so often does with those of us in Al-Anon. I came into this program with the firm belief that it was not merely acceptable for me to judge other people, but a necessity, to keep myself safe.
When my sponsor tried to show me that I was constricting myself with my judgements of others, I didn't get it. I judged her for not judging. I marshaled all the usual reasons for my thinking, and carried on, secure in the knowledge that I was right, and she was wrong. Loving, kind, accepting, wise in so many respects, but in this area, somehow confused and mistaken.
When I am loving and accepting, I'm open to my Higher Power; when I'm in judgement mode, I'm choosing to close myself off, and live inside that tiny box of self.
I'm not suggesting for a moment that I live in complete acceptance of everyone and everything - my ego is still far too strong to allow me an unrestricted journey. It offers me suggestions on how to think on a regular basis, and is particularly vociferous when I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired - HALT. Then it's up on the soapbox declaiming about this, that and the other thing, and it takes concerted effort on my part to remember to stop what I'm doing, close my eyes (or not, if I'm driving) and ask my Higher Power to "please take this, I don't want to feel this way."
When I ask, I always get relief. That yapping in my head is quieted to a indistinguishable murmur, and I feel love, acceptance, serenity. It's my choice - do I want to have that channel to my HP open, and feel that loving wonder? It's hard to imagine not wanting it, but the ego is amazingly strong in us. Ego tells us many stories; before Al-Anon, I thought my ego was honest with me, only telling me the truth. Regular, daily practise of Step 10 has made it very clear that my ego is often wrong. Spectacularly wrong, too, not just slightly mistaken. I'm tired of listening to my ego. I want peace. I can only achieve peace when I'm willing to let go of judgement.
When I realised how simple it is, I couldn't believe it. You mean all I have to do is ask? But what about all these other complications?
The longer I'm in Al-Anon, the simpler my life becomes.
I've only recently gotten over what felt like a major hurdle with regard to my spouse, and my judgements about what he should or should not be doing, in and out of his program. From the other side, that hurdle was massive, huge, it blocked the light, it made forward motion impossible, I couldn't imagine how I was going to get over that one, or even if I wanted to, in truth.
Until I decided to surrender completely, and ask my HP for help. Up until then, I thought I was surrendering, but I wasn't; I'd always kept a little piece of it aside, and that piece was a judgement. My HP can't get to me, if I've closed myself off with a judgement. The door only opens from one side. My side.
And finding myself on this side of it, I'm trying to see where exactly it was - you mean that barely distinguishable wrinkle was my hurdle? But that's impossible! It was massive, huge, it blocked the light. I couldn't get past it, I...wow. Just that little wrinkle, that's what I've been trying to get over all this time? It's funny. It sure wasn't funny from the other side, but on this side, it's hilarious.
I pray to always want to be more loving, more accepting, to keep that door to my HP standing wide open, and propped open with the rock of Al-Anon.
When my sponsor tried to show me that I was constricting myself with my judgements of others, I didn't get it. I judged her for not judging. I marshaled all the usual reasons for my thinking, and carried on, secure in the knowledge that I was right, and she was wrong. Loving, kind, accepting, wise in so many respects, but in this area, somehow confused and mistaken.
When I am loving and accepting, I'm open to my Higher Power; when I'm in judgement mode, I'm choosing to close myself off, and live inside that tiny box of self.
I'm not suggesting for a moment that I live in complete acceptance of everyone and everything - my ego is still far too strong to allow me an unrestricted journey. It offers me suggestions on how to think on a regular basis, and is particularly vociferous when I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired - HALT. Then it's up on the soapbox declaiming about this, that and the other thing, and it takes concerted effort on my part to remember to stop what I'm doing, close my eyes (or not, if I'm driving) and ask my Higher Power to "please take this, I don't want to feel this way."
When I ask, I always get relief. That yapping in my head is quieted to a indistinguishable murmur, and I feel love, acceptance, serenity. It's my choice - do I want to have that channel to my HP open, and feel that loving wonder? It's hard to imagine not wanting it, but the ego is amazingly strong in us. Ego tells us many stories; before Al-Anon, I thought my ego was honest with me, only telling me the truth. Regular, daily practise of Step 10 has made it very clear that my ego is often wrong. Spectacularly wrong, too, not just slightly mistaken. I'm tired of listening to my ego. I want peace. I can only achieve peace when I'm willing to let go of judgement.
When I realised how simple it is, I couldn't believe it. You mean all I have to do is ask? But what about all these other complications?
The longer I'm in Al-Anon, the simpler my life becomes.
I've only recently gotten over what felt like a major hurdle with regard to my spouse, and my judgements about what he should or should not be doing, in and out of his program. From the other side, that hurdle was massive, huge, it blocked the light, it made forward motion impossible, I couldn't imagine how I was going to get over that one, or even if I wanted to, in truth.
Until I decided to surrender completely, and ask my HP for help. Up until then, I thought I was surrendering, but I wasn't; I'd always kept a little piece of it aside, and that piece was a judgement. My HP can't get to me, if I've closed myself off with a judgement. The door only opens from one side. My side.
And finding myself on this side of it, I'm trying to see where exactly it was - you mean that barely distinguishable wrinkle was my hurdle? But that's impossible! It was massive, huge, it blocked the light. I couldn't get past it, I...wow. Just that little wrinkle, that's what I've been trying to get over all this time? It's funny. It sure wasn't funny from the other side, but on this side, it's hilarious.
I pray to always want to be more loving, more accepting, to keep that door to my HP standing wide open, and propped open with the rock of Al-Anon.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Life Is An Ongoing Lesson.
From Courage to Change, page 280:
"Although the crisis that brought me to Al-Anon may be past, there is always something new to learn, even after years of recovery. We change. Opportunities for spiritual growth, as well as new character defects, pop up like weeds in a newly-mown lawn, and we find ourselves turning to the Steps for a fresh look."
My Higher Power seems to be offering me lessons in patience on a daily basis, in the last while. Or at least, that's what I thought. Until yesterday, when something further was illuminated, and I realised that another interpretation entirely was possible. It seems that whenever I am open to learning one lesson, and really try to surrender to it, my Higher Power will lead one step further down the path, and then another and another. I can start feeling somewhat like a new puppy being coaxed along with a treat, to learn a lesson - I'm focused on one thing, the "treat" and I don't even realise that I'm being taught something, until the lesson is over for that day.
Yesterday was one of those days. I had a period of struggle and self-doubt, and then realising what I was doing, decided to let it go, surrender to it. As soon as I did let go, a realisation was offered to me which was quite difficult to accept. But I know, if I know anything, that these are the lessons which are powerfully helpful in the long run, the ones I have to choke down in the moment, so I tried to be open, and not shrug it off.
So that's where I'm at today, still fresh from yesterday's lesson, feeling a little bruised in my ego (blasted ego!) but accepting, and on the other side of the amend I made, once I understood the message.
Today is another new day in which I can practise these principles in all my affairs. I'm grateful for the blessings in my life, and the love which surrounds me.
"Although the crisis that brought me to Al-Anon may be past, there is always something new to learn, even after years of recovery. We change. Opportunities for spiritual growth, as well as new character defects, pop up like weeds in a newly-mown lawn, and we find ourselves turning to the Steps for a fresh look."
My Higher Power seems to be offering me lessons in patience on a daily basis, in the last while. Or at least, that's what I thought. Until yesterday, when something further was illuminated, and I realised that another interpretation entirely was possible. It seems that whenever I am open to learning one lesson, and really try to surrender to it, my Higher Power will lead one step further down the path, and then another and another. I can start feeling somewhat like a new puppy being coaxed along with a treat, to learn a lesson - I'm focused on one thing, the "treat" and I don't even realise that I'm being taught something, until the lesson is over for that day.
Yesterday was one of those days. I had a period of struggle and self-doubt, and then realising what I was doing, decided to let it go, surrender to it. As soon as I did let go, a realisation was offered to me which was quite difficult to accept. But I know, if I know anything, that these are the lessons which are powerfully helpful in the long run, the ones I have to choke down in the moment, so I tried to be open, and not shrug it off.
So that's where I'm at today, still fresh from yesterday's lesson, feeling a little bruised in my ego (blasted ego!) but accepting, and on the other side of the amend I made, once I understood the message.
Today is another new day in which I can practise these principles in all my affairs. I'm grateful for the blessings in my life, and the love which surrounds me.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Clear, Healthy Thinking.
I can't change other people.
If I'm predicating my happiness or my serenity, on the hope that someone else will change, to become the person I want them to be, I am handing them my life on a plate, and retiring to a corner to starve.
---------------------------------------------
From Courage to Change, page 234:
"Searching for the real me, living according to my needs, and loving myself as a new-found friend have been the most rewarding benefits of the Al-Anon program. Strangely, they're the last ones I would have imagined receiving when I began.
Today's Reminder
Today I can choose to take responsibility for my own life. If I stay out of other's affairs and become more aware of my own, I have a good chance of finding serenity.
"Each man's life represents a road toward himself."
Hermann Hesse
-----------------------------------------------
I want to be capable of clear, healthy thinking. That's not possible when I'm disturbed by someone else's behavior, or thinking. How do I get there?
First, I need to be aware of what's going on inside my head, so I can catch myself when I start obsessing, or taking someone else's inventory. So, I find I'm doing this, what's next?
I need to consider which character defect is driving my thinking - am I angry? Resentful? Arrogant? Judgemental? Impatient? Controlling? I can ask my Higher Power to remove it. Right then, at that moment, I can ask to be set free of whatever character defect has risen to the surface, and is presently running my show.
Once I've asked to be relieved of my character defect, and have had it lifted, then I am capable of clear healthy thinking, because I'm not being swept along by my feelings. I can detach, step back, and decide exactly what it is that's best for me, without having my judgement clouded by high emotion.
What is best for me, is to be honest to myself and my own needs. If I don't do this for myself, I will be angry. I will be resentful, I will be _____. (fill in the blank)
Clear thinking makes many things possible. I pray for the wisdom to understand what I can change, and what I cannot.
If I'm predicating my happiness or my serenity, on the hope that someone else will change, to become the person I want them to be, I am handing them my life on a plate, and retiring to a corner to starve.
---------------------------------------------
From Courage to Change, page 234:
"Searching for the real me, living according to my needs, and loving myself as a new-found friend have been the most rewarding benefits of the Al-Anon program. Strangely, they're the last ones I would have imagined receiving when I began.
Today's Reminder
Today I can choose to take responsibility for my own life. If I stay out of other's affairs and become more aware of my own, I have a good chance of finding serenity.
"Each man's life represents a road toward himself."
Hermann Hesse
-----------------------------------------------
I want to be capable of clear, healthy thinking. That's not possible when I'm disturbed by someone else's behavior, or thinking. How do I get there?
First, I need to be aware of what's going on inside my head, so I can catch myself when I start obsessing, or taking someone else's inventory. So, I find I'm doing this, what's next?
I need to consider which character defect is driving my thinking - am I angry? Resentful? Arrogant? Judgemental? Impatient? Controlling? I can ask my Higher Power to remove it. Right then, at that moment, I can ask to be set free of whatever character defect has risen to the surface, and is presently running my show.
Once I've asked to be relieved of my character defect, and have had it lifted, then I am capable of clear healthy thinking, because I'm not being swept along by my feelings. I can detach, step back, and decide exactly what it is that's best for me, without having my judgement clouded by high emotion.
What is best for me, is to be honest to myself and my own needs. If I don't do this for myself, I will be angry. I will be resentful, I will be _____. (fill in the blank)
Clear thinking makes many things possible. I pray for the wisdom to understand what I can change, and what I cannot.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
I become aware, when I am willing to hear another point of view. If each time I am presented with an idea which doesn't mesh closely with my own, I shut down and refuse to listen, I will not learn.
At this stage, I don't have to do anything but listen. When I say, "Ok, I'll hear it, but that's all I'm going to do right now," I allow the other person to speak their piece, and I'm not having to try to listen, through the clamoring of my internal dialogue offering up arguments in rebuttal. I'm listening - that's the agreement at that stage - you speak, I listen, no promises either way. We'll see; I'll think about it, and get back to you. I'll hear how you feel, and take it on board for further consideration.
I become aware, when realisation dawns that my "way" isn't working for me anymore. Perhaps a coping mechanism which has served me well for many years, has become obsolete, or is now obstructive to my maturity. I become aware, and I can sit with that awareness for a time, until my ego quiets down, and I can relax into my new awareness. Awareness may be gradual or shockingly sudden. It may bring with it sorrow and grieving, or it may make me burst into laughter. Either way, I choose awareness over the alternative.
Acceptance comes through several doors. There's the door marked: "It is what it is, and nothing on earth can change it, so why waste energy protesting?"
There's a door with the label: "Isn't this wild? Can you believe you didn't see this before now?'
There's yet another door: "Things that aren't what they seem."
I've come to understand that it doesn't matter how the acceptance arrives. At one stage of my life, I'd get so hung up on which door it came through, that the thing itself, the acceptance, was pushed aside for a while - this is a procrastination technique.
When I can make room for acceptance, without fussing about how it enters my life, I have greater serenity, and my sense of humour reasserts itself. When I reach for acceptance, draw it into my arms and give it a big warm hug, I am flooded with peaceful feelings. I can breathe more deeply: see wtih clarity: have compassion for others, and myself. Acceptance is a powerful force for change in my life.
I used to leapfrog over awareness and acceptance, directly into action. I acted on impulse, without restraint, with little forethought, with that frantic sense of wanting to do something, anything, to force my will, or relieve my pain.
I don't do that anymore. I reason things out with someone else, and I get feedback from my sponsor, my program friends, my Higher Power. If I'm not sure, I'll let it go for another while, to see if perhaps that's all the action required - just to let go.
"Awareness, Acceptance, Action" is a shorthand reminder, of a great wisdom. I pray for the ability to hear, accept, and use this wisdom, in my daily life.
At this stage, I don't have to do anything but listen. When I say, "Ok, I'll hear it, but that's all I'm going to do right now," I allow the other person to speak their piece, and I'm not having to try to listen, through the clamoring of my internal dialogue offering up arguments in rebuttal. I'm listening - that's the agreement at that stage - you speak, I listen, no promises either way. We'll see; I'll think about it, and get back to you. I'll hear how you feel, and take it on board for further consideration.
I become aware, when realisation dawns that my "way" isn't working for me anymore. Perhaps a coping mechanism which has served me well for many years, has become obsolete, or is now obstructive to my maturity. I become aware, and I can sit with that awareness for a time, until my ego quiets down, and I can relax into my new awareness. Awareness may be gradual or shockingly sudden. It may bring with it sorrow and grieving, or it may make me burst into laughter. Either way, I choose awareness over the alternative.
Acceptance comes through several doors. There's the door marked: "It is what it is, and nothing on earth can change it, so why waste energy protesting?"
There's a door with the label: "Isn't this wild? Can you believe you didn't see this before now?'
There's yet another door: "Things that aren't what they seem."
I've come to understand that it doesn't matter how the acceptance arrives. At one stage of my life, I'd get so hung up on which door it came through, that the thing itself, the acceptance, was pushed aside for a while - this is a procrastination technique.
When I can make room for acceptance, without fussing about how it enters my life, I have greater serenity, and my sense of humour reasserts itself. When I reach for acceptance, draw it into my arms and give it a big warm hug, I am flooded with peaceful feelings. I can breathe more deeply: see wtih clarity: have compassion for others, and myself. Acceptance is a powerful force for change in my life.
I used to leapfrog over awareness and acceptance, directly into action. I acted on impulse, without restraint, with little forethought, with that frantic sense of wanting to do something, anything, to force my will, or relieve my pain.
I don't do that anymore. I reason things out with someone else, and I get feedback from my sponsor, my program friends, my Higher Power. If I'm not sure, I'll let it go for another while, to see if perhaps that's all the action required - just to let go.
"Awareness, Acceptance, Action" is a shorthand reminder, of a great wisdom. I pray for the ability to hear, accept, and use this wisdom, in my daily life.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Growing At My Own Pace.
There have been times in my recovery when I've been wide open to change and growth - excited as I began to understand what might be possible for me. I have felt empowered, delighted with life, and bursting with joy and serenity.
There have also been those periods in which I have felt stalled, or as though I'm moving so slowly, that the electricity might as well be turned off at the mains. I've become caught up in trying to find some way to gauge my progress. If I watched the horizon, I couldn't tell, staring at my feet didn't help, so I'd fix a sort of halfway-to-noplace stare on something beside me, and spend ages trying to decide if I was moving past it, or if that was just an optical illusion caused by lengthening shadows.
I've been growing at my own pace.
That infitesimal rate of change, might be a result of my needing to stay where I'm safe for just a little while longer, while something is worked out in the part of myself not accessible to my conscious mind.
More often, I was trying to find some way to dodge Step 3:
"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
I've felt frustration which maddened me, but been so mired in self-will, and that single-minded, mulish determination to have my own way, that I have been willing to stay miserable for a little bit longer, in the vain hope that in this instance, I can force my will and my solutions. I want things to be a certain way, so I'm going to make that happen. The trouble with that, being: self-will is a drunk driver, unable to steer smoothly through the chaos of the street, to a safe arrival in the home driveway. Self-will smashes blindly into someone else's life, creating pain and damage, and blunders on, unaware. Self-will says, "I want this; you will give it to me."
Right. That's likely.
In all of my efforts to get my way with any alcoholic, I have failed spectacularly. I have so many examples of when it didn't work, it boggles the mind that I could have carried on in the belief that I could satisfy my own will, if I simply exerted greater effort in that direction. I listened to an AA speaker last night, and he said that the definition of insanity is not "doing the same thing expecting a different result," it's doing the same thing, knowing exactly what will happen, and doing it anyway.
I pray for the wisdom to accept, and the willingness to turn over my life and my will to the God of my understanding.
There have also been those periods in which I have felt stalled, or as though I'm moving so slowly, that the electricity might as well be turned off at the mains. I've become caught up in trying to find some way to gauge my progress. If I watched the horizon, I couldn't tell, staring at my feet didn't help, so I'd fix a sort of halfway-to-noplace stare on something beside me, and spend ages trying to decide if I was moving past it, or if that was just an optical illusion caused by lengthening shadows.
I've been growing at my own pace.
That infitesimal rate of change, might be a result of my needing to stay where I'm safe for just a little while longer, while something is worked out in the part of myself not accessible to my conscious mind.
More often, I was trying to find some way to dodge Step 3:
"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
I've felt frustration which maddened me, but been so mired in self-will, and that single-minded, mulish determination to have my own way, that I have been willing to stay miserable for a little bit longer, in the vain hope that in this instance, I can force my will and my solutions. I want things to be a certain way, so I'm going to make that happen. The trouble with that, being: self-will is a drunk driver, unable to steer smoothly through the chaos of the street, to a safe arrival in the home driveway. Self-will smashes blindly into someone else's life, creating pain and damage, and blunders on, unaware. Self-will says, "I want this; you will give it to me."
Right. That's likely.
In all of my efforts to get my way with any alcoholic, I have failed spectacularly. I have so many examples of when it didn't work, it boggles the mind that I could have carried on in the belief that I could satisfy my own will, if I simply exerted greater effort in that direction. I listened to an AA speaker last night, and he said that the definition of insanity is not "doing the same thing expecting a different result," it's doing the same thing, knowing exactly what will happen, and doing it anyway.
I pray for the wisdom to accept, and the willingness to turn over my life and my will to the God of my understanding.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Questions.
"I'm new to Al-Anon, (about a year) and I'm getting wierded out because I never thought of myself as an angry person but I'm getting angrier all the time. Now when I look at my partner, that's all I can feel, p_____d right off at her for still drinking, and me for staying with her. What's going on?"
--------------------------------------------------------------
I came into Al-Anon an angry person; it wasn't even slightly underground in my case. I woke up angry, went to sleep angry, and muddled and stomped through my days with my level of anger intensifying to a boil, and decreasing to a simmer, but the burner was always turned to "on." Anger was my main coping mechanism, instilled in me when I was a very young child, through years of extreme physical battering and abuse. When my anger became too much to bear, I could shut myself down, much like flicking a switch, with a mantra of "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter," repeated a few times, and then - blessed numbness.
Others come into Al-Anon feeling distressed and upset, but not particularly angry. I've heard members speak of bewilderment and confusion - where is all this anger coming from? Why can I no longer control my feelings?
I think the operative word is "control." We may feel as though we are losing control, frightened at the strength of the emotion, or the thoughts which arise.
This is perfectly normal.
When we have been hiding our feelings even from ourselves, and denying reality, it is no easy matter to begin the slow process of hauling it all out into the light and trying to take a dispassionate look at just what is there. I have heard many members share about a similar slow building of anger, as they continued to come to meetings. When feelings have been blunted through denial, the re-awakening can be agonising. No strength of feeling is lost through being stored, and when the coping mechanisms fail at last, and the emotions burst through the wall of numbness, a complete emotional breakdown can be the result.
We come into Al-Anon at various stages of various processes, but the one thing we have in common, is our need to be validated, to feel heard. And the one person by whom we need to be heard most, is not the alcoholic, but ourselves.
Al-Anon meetings are a safe place to speak, and to hear. A part of us will recognise this, whether our conscious mind can or does, and that part will begin to loosen the bonds holding our denial so tightly tied. That can be the catalyst for change, if we are willing and able to sit through those awful, painful feelings, and allow ourselves to feel them. Recovery is not always a sunny cheerful place - we may arrive at that destination finally, but the journey requires a willingness to suffer just a little bit more. If we've been frozen up in our feelings, then the suffering is going to be considerable.
Behind my great anger was pain - the pain of a child, and that of an adult, all the stages of my life's sorrows, disappointments, and griefs, all shoved behind the backdrop of rage, and left to molder unspoken and unrecognised. When I began to sort them, I'd pick one up and it would rush through me like adrenalin dumped into the bloodstream, and it would have been too much to bear, had I tried to do that by myself. I needed the comfort of my sponsor, and my Higher Power. I needed someone who could reassure me when I faltered, that it would get better, that this was necessary, that I would come out the other side of my first Step Four changed, and it would be good. And it was, but I had to take that on faith, I couldn't believe it.
Anger is a normal part of recovery; if we are not accustomed to allowing ourselves this feeling, it may be frightening. Get a sponsor, use your phone list, call someone with whom you can "reason things out." If you are not comfortable sharing details, that's fine, too - you can say, "I'm feeling really angry today, and I'm uncomfortable with it." That's information enough to be going on with, you can get comfort merely from hearing youself say it aloud. Treat yourself with loving kindness, and don't get into the whole "I should be doing this, I shouldn't be doing this" cycle, which drives us crazy, by making us feel even worse about ourselves, while accomplishing nothing helpful.
Remember the golden rule of recovery: "Treat yourself wih the same care and attention you've been lavishing upon everyone else on the planet."
--------------------------------------------------------------
I came into Al-Anon an angry person; it wasn't even slightly underground in my case. I woke up angry, went to sleep angry, and muddled and stomped through my days with my level of anger intensifying to a boil, and decreasing to a simmer, but the burner was always turned to "on." Anger was my main coping mechanism, instilled in me when I was a very young child, through years of extreme physical battering and abuse. When my anger became too much to bear, I could shut myself down, much like flicking a switch, with a mantra of "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter," repeated a few times, and then - blessed numbness.
Others come into Al-Anon feeling distressed and upset, but not particularly angry. I've heard members speak of bewilderment and confusion - where is all this anger coming from? Why can I no longer control my feelings?
I think the operative word is "control." We may feel as though we are losing control, frightened at the strength of the emotion, or the thoughts which arise.
This is perfectly normal.
When we have been hiding our feelings even from ourselves, and denying reality, it is no easy matter to begin the slow process of hauling it all out into the light and trying to take a dispassionate look at just what is there. I have heard many members share about a similar slow building of anger, as they continued to come to meetings. When feelings have been blunted through denial, the re-awakening can be agonising. No strength of feeling is lost through being stored, and when the coping mechanisms fail at last, and the emotions burst through the wall of numbness, a complete emotional breakdown can be the result.
We come into Al-Anon at various stages of various processes, but the one thing we have in common, is our need to be validated, to feel heard. And the one person by whom we need to be heard most, is not the alcoholic, but ourselves.
Al-Anon meetings are a safe place to speak, and to hear. A part of us will recognise this, whether our conscious mind can or does, and that part will begin to loosen the bonds holding our denial so tightly tied. That can be the catalyst for change, if we are willing and able to sit through those awful, painful feelings, and allow ourselves to feel them. Recovery is not always a sunny cheerful place - we may arrive at that destination finally, but the journey requires a willingness to suffer just a little bit more. If we've been frozen up in our feelings, then the suffering is going to be considerable.
Behind my great anger was pain - the pain of a child, and that of an adult, all the stages of my life's sorrows, disappointments, and griefs, all shoved behind the backdrop of rage, and left to molder unspoken and unrecognised. When I began to sort them, I'd pick one up and it would rush through me like adrenalin dumped into the bloodstream, and it would have been too much to bear, had I tried to do that by myself. I needed the comfort of my sponsor, and my Higher Power. I needed someone who could reassure me when I faltered, that it would get better, that this was necessary, that I would come out the other side of my first Step Four changed, and it would be good. And it was, but I had to take that on faith, I couldn't believe it.
Anger is a normal part of recovery; if we are not accustomed to allowing ourselves this feeling, it may be frightening. Get a sponsor, use your phone list, call someone with whom you can "reason things out." If you are not comfortable sharing details, that's fine, too - you can say, "I'm feeling really angry today, and I'm uncomfortable with it." That's information enough to be going on with, you can get comfort merely from hearing youself say it aloud. Treat yourself with loving kindness, and don't get into the whole "I should be doing this, I shouldn't be doing this" cycle, which drives us crazy, by making us feel even worse about ourselves, while accomplishing nothing helpful.
Remember the golden rule of recovery: "Treat yourself wih the same care and attention you've been lavishing upon everyone else on the planet."
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Challenging Days. Or Weeks.
When I arrived at the meeting last night, and was asked how I was, I replied, after a short pause for thought, "I'm having a challenging week with my alcoholic." I'd meant it seriously, but my listener laughed at the euphemism; they'd known precisely what I'd meant by that statement. Their laughter made me laugh in turn, and I could feel myself beginning to relax, into the wonderful calming space that is an Al-Anon meeting.
I've been doing a lot of meditating, and talking to my Higher Power this week; something is being worked out in me. I can feel the change taking place, although I can't see it clearly. My feelings are rising and receding; I'm working to let them flow through me, making no effort to fight them off, label them, or deny them. I am, in some fundamental way, calmer and more accepting, even as I am swept through with this "new broom."
I've been out walking for hours every day, and this helps to keep me centered, by expending the restless energy these feelings stir up in me. I'm reminded of someone at a meeting years ago, who used the analogy of feeling a bit like a pot of soup being briskly stirred, and went on with a sigh, "I feel like saying to my Higher Power, "A little calmer with the spoon, dude!"
I've been doing a lot of meditating, and talking to my Higher Power this week; something is being worked out in me. I can feel the change taking place, although I can't see it clearly. My feelings are rising and receding; I'm working to let them flow through me, making no effort to fight them off, label them, or deny them. I am, in some fundamental way, calmer and more accepting, even as I am swept through with this "new broom."
I've been out walking for hours every day, and this helps to keep me centered, by expending the restless energy these feelings stir up in me. I'm reminded of someone at a meeting years ago, who used the analogy of feeling a bit like a pot of soup being briskly stirred, and went on with a sigh, "I feel like saying to my Higher Power, "A little calmer with the spoon, dude!"
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
You Can Be A Good Example, Even When You're Struggling.
Since I'm a great believer in taking my own suggestions, I'm going to try to write today, even though I'm feeling that I have nothing useful or helpful or even halfways intelligent to say. I believe that we can be of service to newcomers and those who are really battling, when we admit that we don't have the energy or the desire or anything much to share, but we show up anyway.
I've had a rough few weeks - some childhood stuff with which I've never dealt, is now demanding to be processed, and I appear to have reached a point at which my ability to say "Not now/later/some other time," and successfully shove those memories and feelings back into their closet and shut the door, has reached an end. (It's with some irony that I remember writing a post quite some time ago, about letting go of the past, and realise that this is only possible if it is first acknowledged for what it was. I can't let go of that which I won't even admit happened.)
My family doctor suggests that it's not uncommon in midlife, for those of us who suffered severe physical abuse as a small child, and have reached a place of overall mental stability, to have to go through this process - now it's safe for the pain to come up and be felt, it won't destroy us. I like that "overall mental stability" description; with what I've been going through, it's comforting to think someone else sees me that way. My sponsor has said the same thing in different words; I'm strong enough now, to sift through that which has never been hauled out of the cupboard, laid out on the floor, and examined.
I'm trying to stay open to the process, accept that something in me is being worked out, and that if I keep wading, clutching my Higher Power's hand, I will reach the other side of this river of pain and seemingly endless flow of tears. I'm trying to let the memories and the feelings flow through me, with no editorial comment on my part. I'm trying to accept that for this, I can't force myself to feel better. I can only show up, and be willing.
I've had a rough few weeks - some childhood stuff with which I've never dealt, is now demanding to be processed, and I appear to have reached a point at which my ability to say "Not now/later/some other time," and successfully shove those memories and feelings back into their closet and shut the door, has reached an end. (It's with some irony that I remember writing a post quite some time ago, about letting go of the past, and realise that this is only possible if it is first acknowledged for what it was. I can't let go of that which I won't even admit happened.)
My family doctor suggests that it's not uncommon in midlife, for those of us who suffered severe physical abuse as a small child, and have reached a place of overall mental stability, to have to go through this process - now it's safe for the pain to come up and be felt, it won't destroy us. I like that "overall mental stability" description; with what I've been going through, it's comforting to think someone else sees me that way. My sponsor has said the same thing in different words; I'm strong enough now, to sift through that which has never been hauled out of the cupboard, laid out on the floor, and examined.
I'm trying to stay open to the process, accept that something in me is being worked out, and that if I keep wading, clutching my Higher Power's hand, I will reach the other side of this river of pain and seemingly endless flow of tears. I'm trying to let the memories and the feelings flow through me, with no editorial comment on my part. I'm trying to accept that for this, I can't force myself to feel better. I can only show up, and be willing.
Monday, February 21, 2011
But, Why?
"Why is my alcoholic sister so mean to me?"
"Why does my husband continue to drink when he knows it's going to be a disaster?"
When I was new to Al-Anon, I believed that if could only know why the alcoholic did what he did, I'd be able to accept it. Just give me a good reason, and I could find peace with it all. I think I most likely asked that "But, Why?" question several hundred times, and it's a tribute to the compassion and loving support of the group members, that no-one ever expressed exasperation with me, or told me to stop, already, with the why. Acceptance of what's happening within our own lives, not only allows us to live with more comfort and ease, but we also become much more tolerant of the foibles of others.
It was very difficult for me to accept that there were some aspects of life about which I might never get clarity, or a reason that satisfied. I might eventually be granted understanding, or a reason, but not a satisfying one - not one of those "Ooooooh, now I get it!" kind.
There'a a quote in one of the daily readers, I can't recall which one:
"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are."
That was an excellent reminder for me, in early recovery, when I would be swept with the intense feelings of desperation to know, to understand, to find a good reason. (It irriated me tremendously, but still operated as a good reminder.)
My sponsor offered a variation of the above:
"It is what it is."
Oh, grrr! I would feel my teeth clenching, when she'd offer me that as a response to a question of mine about why did my husband drink when his little girls were visiting, and needed to see him, and he'd go off on a 3-day bender and only come home the morning they were going back to their mother's, so that I was left to try to make their visit enjoyable when he was absent.....
...or why did he always seem to find a way to destroy anything good that happened in his business; he'd win an excellent contract, and then proceed to royally screw up, so that by the end the business was limping along from week to week, barely making a miniscule profit, when it had the potential to....
...or why did he treat me in such a mean way when he professed to love me when he was drunk or sober, and we'd had good and bad talks about what that meant, and the effect upon our marriage, and me, and...
When I'd ask those sort of questions, and be met with the kindest of responses, all variations upon "It is what it is, and it's out of your control. You can't change other people, you can't force him to be a different father, business owner, husband," I'd feel that my questions were being sidestepped, and there must be a good answer out there, but for some reason, no-one wanted to share it with me.
There was a good answer, and it had been given to me each time I asked that question, it was I who had been unable, or unwilling, to hear or accept it:
"Because he is an alcoholic."
I've learned in Al-Anon, that when I do not accept "It is what it is" as an answer, I am dooming myself to hours/days/weeks of stubborn misery. When I turn my face away from the reality of it, I am practising denial. That's my choice. It's also my choice when I decide to work towards acceptance. It's one of those circular, ongoing processes for me. About some things, I've achieved a solid forgiveness; I no longer rage against my alcoholic first husband. I've let go of all the pain from those ten years, and can look back with detachment. I can remember the painful parts, but I don't feel them anymore.
When I can't find acceptance, is it because I am unwilling to let go of judging the other person? Doesn't the problem lie not with them, but with me, in my refusal to accept how it is at this moment? This moment is all we get - yesterday and tomorrow are past, and not yet here - I have only to deal with today.
Let us therefore, live one day at a time.
"Why does my husband continue to drink when he knows it's going to be a disaster?"
When I was new to Al-Anon, I believed that if could only know why the alcoholic did what he did, I'd be able to accept it. Just give me a good reason, and I could find peace with it all. I think I most likely asked that "But, Why?" question several hundred times, and it's a tribute to the compassion and loving support of the group members, that no-one ever expressed exasperation with me, or told me to stop, already, with the why. Acceptance of what's happening within our own lives, not only allows us to live with more comfort and ease, but we also become much more tolerant of the foibles of others.
It was very difficult for me to accept that there were some aspects of life about which I might never get clarity, or a reason that satisfied. I might eventually be granted understanding, or a reason, but not a satisfying one - not one of those "Ooooooh, now I get it!" kind.
There'a a quote in one of the daily readers, I can't recall which one:
"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are."
That was an excellent reminder for me, in early recovery, when I would be swept with the intense feelings of desperation to know, to understand, to find a good reason. (It irriated me tremendously, but still operated as a good reminder.)
My sponsor offered a variation of the above:
"It is what it is."
Oh, grrr! I would feel my teeth clenching, when she'd offer me that as a response to a question of mine about why did my husband drink when his little girls were visiting, and needed to see him, and he'd go off on a 3-day bender and only come home the morning they were going back to their mother's, so that I was left to try to make their visit enjoyable when he was absent.....
...or why did he always seem to find a way to destroy anything good that happened in his business; he'd win an excellent contract, and then proceed to royally screw up, so that by the end the business was limping along from week to week, barely making a miniscule profit, when it had the potential to....
...or why did he treat me in such a mean way when he professed to love me when he was drunk or sober, and we'd had good and bad talks about what that meant, and the effect upon our marriage, and me, and...
When I'd ask those sort of questions, and be met with the kindest of responses, all variations upon "It is what it is, and it's out of your control. You can't change other people, you can't force him to be a different father, business owner, husband," I'd feel that my questions were being sidestepped, and there must be a good answer out there, but for some reason, no-one wanted to share it with me.
There was a good answer, and it had been given to me each time I asked that question, it was I who had been unable, or unwilling, to hear or accept it:
"Because he is an alcoholic."
I've learned in Al-Anon, that when I do not accept "It is what it is" as an answer, I am dooming myself to hours/days/weeks of stubborn misery. When I turn my face away from the reality of it, I am practising denial. That's my choice. It's also my choice when I decide to work towards acceptance. It's one of those circular, ongoing processes for me. About some things, I've achieved a solid forgiveness; I no longer rage against my alcoholic first husband. I've let go of all the pain from those ten years, and can look back with detachment. I can remember the painful parts, but I don't feel them anymore.
When I can't find acceptance, is it because I am unwilling to let go of judging the other person? Doesn't the problem lie not with them, but with me, in my refusal to accept how it is at this moment? This moment is all we get - yesterday and tomorrow are past, and not yet here - I have only to deal with today.
Let us therefore, live one day at a time.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Let There Be No Gossip Or Criticism of One Another, Part 2.
Part 1 can be found here.
When new to Al-Anon, I would sit in meetings, and judge those around the table - for the way they looked, what they said, how they responded to challenges in their lives. I couldn't hear the message, because I was too caught up in examining the envelope from which it came, deciding that I didn't like the stamp, and the paper was a wierd texture, and that was a different way to glue the flaps...
I wouldn't deal with the day's mail by slitting open an envelope, throwing the contents directly into the trash, and then carefully examining the envelope, now would I? Put like that, it's ridiculous. Yet that is precisely what I was doing with the messages from Al-Anon members.
That reminder about let there be no gossip or criticism of one another, doesn't refer only to our conversations with a third person - it also refers directly to the inner critic we all contain. That crow of negativity inside our heads, which keeps up a steady chatter of comparison and disparagement. It has been a monumental task, my ongoing effort to silence that monstrosity.
I began to pray: to ask for patience, tolerance, open-mindedness, during the moment of silence before a meeting started. Almost without my realising it, something magical began to happen: I could sit in a meeting, and for one splendid hour, hear not a murmur from that black bird. I could take what I liked and leave the rest, but what I left was put down, not with a feeling of irritation or disgust or impatience, but with a quiet interest, accompanied perhaps by that little sound (usually written as "hmmn") which we make in antique stores, examining an object apparently made to be useful in some way, but a mystery to us.
My inner critic-bird had retired to a higher branch, out of sight. For that one hour, I was able to be accepting of everyone who sat in peaceful communion around the table. With that acceptance, came the ability to hear wisdom and help in the words of those I would previously have considered, the most unlikely of sources - people with whom I had not one opinion or interest in common. People I would have dismissed with a contemptuous sniff (I've mentioned in previous posts, that I wasn't a very nice person when new to Al-Anon) would put out on the table, the one thought which would surface and resurface throughout my week, swinging and bobbing, catching the sun and flinging it back to illuminate an area of my thinking never before considered in quite that light...making me stop walking, and gasp, to realise what I was seeing.
I'd rush to call my sponsor, to tell her what I'd just this moment realised, and it was all because of so-and-so's sharing on Monday - it was astounding, it was amazing, it was earthshaking; "It was," she interrupted, "your Higher Power."
My sincere prayer for tolerance was being granted. I was being given the gift of seeing not the envelope of character and habit, education and upbringing, but the contents - the person. From a purely selfish viewpoint, this allows me to receive wisdom I'd have discarded unrecognised for the treasure it was. From the standpoint of unity, it allows me to be equally as welcoming, tolerant and accepting of those with whom I feel a personal connection, and those with whom my only apparent commonality, is that we are both human beings, both living, and struggling with loving, an alcoholic.
I pray to be granted the honest willingness to truly practise these principles in all my affairs, not just in the meeting rooms of Al-Anon.
When new to Al-Anon, I would sit in meetings, and judge those around the table - for the way they looked, what they said, how they responded to challenges in their lives. I couldn't hear the message, because I was too caught up in examining the envelope from which it came, deciding that I didn't like the stamp, and the paper was a wierd texture, and that was a different way to glue the flaps...
I wouldn't deal with the day's mail by slitting open an envelope, throwing the contents directly into the trash, and then carefully examining the envelope, now would I? Put like that, it's ridiculous. Yet that is precisely what I was doing with the messages from Al-Anon members.
That reminder about let there be no gossip or criticism of one another, doesn't refer only to our conversations with a third person - it also refers directly to the inner critic we all contain. That crow of negativity inside our heads, which keeps up a steady chatter of comparison and disparagement. It has been a monumental task, my ongoing effort to silence that monstrosity.
I began to pray: to ask for patience, tolerance, open-mindedness, during the moment of silence before a meeting started. Almost without my realising it, something magical began to happen: I could sit in a meeting, and for one splendid hour, hear not a murmur from that black bird. I could take what I liked and leave the rest, but what I left was put down, not with a feeling of irritation or disgust or impatience, but with a quiet interest, accompanied perhaps by that little sound (usually written as "hmmn") which we make in antique stores, examining an object apparently made to be useful in some way, but a mystery to us.
My inner critic-bird had retired to a higher branch, out of sight. For that one hour, I was able to be accepting of everyone who sat in peaceful communion around the table. With that acceptance, came the ability to hear wisdom and help in the words of those I would previously have considered, the most unlikely of sources - people with whom I had not one opinion or interest in common. People I would have dismissed with a contemptuous sniff (I've mentioned in previous posts, that I wasn't a very nice person when new to Al-Anon) would put out on the table, the one thought which would surface and resurface throughout my week, swinging and bobbing, catching the sun and flinging it back to illuminate an area of my thinking never before considered in quite that light...making me stop walking, and gasp, to realise what I was seeing.
I'd rush to call my sponsor, to tell her what I'd just this moment realised, and it was all because of so-and-so's sharing on Monday - it was astounding, it was amazing, it was earthshaking; "It was," she interrupted, "your Higher Power."
My sincere prayer for tolerance was being granted. I was being given the gift of seeing not the envelope of character and habit, education and upbringing, but the contents - the person. From a purely selfish viewpoint, this allows me to receive wisdom I'd have discarded unrecognised for the treasure it was. From the standpoint of unity, it allows me to be equally as welcoming, tolerant and accepting of those with whom I feel a personal connection, and those with whom my only apparent commonality, is that we are both human beings, both living, and struggling with loving, an alcoholic.
I pray to be granted the honest willingness to truly practise these principles in all my affairs, not just in the meeting rooms of Al-Anon.
Friday, October 22, 2010
How Do I Usually React When I Feel Frightened?
That's a question from the "Fear" section in Blueprint for Progress, the workbook for Al-Anon's Fourth Step.
When I feel frightened, I become angry. This was a mystery to me for a long time; I couldn't comprehend why when I felt afraid, I would flip over into an anger so fierce, my heartrate rocketed, and my entire body trembled.
In one spiritual awakening, I saw the answer with a stark clarity: fear feels weak, anger feels strong. In childhood, fear was a constant companion. Fear of loss, fear of abandonment, fear of battering and abuse, fear of shaming and humiliation. These were very real fears, because that pretty much describes my life up to about 16, when I went out on my own.
I was thinking yesterday, about what a program friend calls, "the stories we tell ourselves." My stories before Al-Anon, all revolved around pain, fear, loss, shame. I was, I now understand, an unremittingly negative person. I learned early in life that it was better not to hope. I was trapped by circumstance and other people's decisions for me; I shut myself down, and endured, until I could escape.
Endured until I could escape: this set a pattern in my life, of always looking to a mythical future, when I could get out, get away, disappear, escape. I can still find myself falling into this default mode, when I'm under stress/not paying attention/not working my program.
In that mindset, I feel martyred, alone, trapped. I don't feel able to affect change; I'm merely enduring until I can escape. It's a coping mechanism that may have served me well as a small child, but now interferes with my recovery. When I'm in that place inside my head, I'm shut down. I'm not willing or able to take a different viewpoint, I'm just putting up with it, until I can find a break in the fence, and make a mad dash for freedom.
In Al-Anon, I have learned that feelings are not facts. Yes, I feel whatever I feel, but I have a choice as to what connotations or interpretations I attach to those feelings. I do not have to view them with the old filter, which only shows two options - endure, or escape. I can view them through an Al-Anon filter, which not only opens up a sightline of many choices, but also reveals how feeling trapped is a choice I make, when I am fearful.
Feeling trapped is a slithering away from my own responsibilities for where I am, and how I deal with life. Feeling trapped is a blaming of others for my pain, a way to keep an uneasy distance, from an intimacy which may feel threatening, only because I haven't come this way before - it's a further pushing forward of my personal frontiers.
When I'm frightened, I tend to flip over into anger. If I work my program I will stop to examine my anger when it arises, to eliminate the possibility that it's a response to having my boundaries violated. If that's not happening, then I need to look around to see: where am I fearful?
I'm going to a lot more meetings per week in the last while, and it's an amazing coincidence how doing so has affected my program. I'd been feeling very stuck; now, I'm like an old car with a faulty choke, I may be juttering and banging and lurching along, but hey, I'm moving forward, and I'm feeling my serenity flowing back to warm not only me, but all around me.
I sat here this morning, with my little dog making contented noises, as she had a little slurp on my shirtsleeve, (our vet says this can happen when puppies are weaned at too young an age - it can leave them with an apparently lifelong urge to nurse; eating a meal triggers this, and if she's cuddling with me after eating, she will either fasten upon my knuckle, which makes typing impossible, or refused that, my sleeve.) and felt a rush of gratitude, for all of those who show up at meetings, and speak their truth, and for all who blog, and do the same.
Keep coming back, it works.
When I feel frightened, I become angry. This was a mystery to me for a long time; I couldn't comprehend why when I felt afraid, I would flip over into an anger so fierce, my heartrate rocketed, and my entire body trembled.
In one spiritual awakening, I saw the answer with a stark clarity: fear feels weak, anger feels strong. In childhood, fear was a constant companion. Fear of loss, fear of abandonment, fear of battering and abuse, fear of shaming and humiliation. These were very real fears, because that pretty much describes my life up to about 16, when I went out on my own.
I was thinking yesterday, about what a program friend calls, "the stories we tell ourselves." My stories before Al-Anon, all revolved around pain, fear, loss, shame. I was, I now understand, an unremittingly negative person. I learned early in life that it was better not to hope. I was trapped by circumstance and other people's decisions for me; I shut myself down, and endured, until I could escape.
Endured until I could escape: this set a pattern in my life, of always looking to a mythical future, when I could get out, get away, disappear, escape. I can still find myself falling into this default mode, when I'm under stress/not paying attention/not working my program.
In that mindset, I feel martyred, alone, trapped. I don't feel able to affect change; I'm merely enduring until I can escape. It's a coping mechanism that may have served me well as a small child, but now interferes with my recovery. When I'm in that place inside my head, I'm shut down. I'm not willing or able to take a different viewpoint, I'm just putting up with it, until I can find a break in the fence, and make a mad dash for freedom.
In Al-Anon, I have learned that feelings are not facts. Yes, I feel whatever I feel, but I have a choice as to what connotations or interpretations I attach to those feelings. I do not have to view them with the old filter, which only shows two options - endure, or escape. I can view them through an Al-Anon filter, which not only opens up a sightline of many choices, but also reveals how feeling trapped is a choice I make, when I am fearful.
Feeling trapped is a slithering away from my own responsibilities for where I am, and how I deal with life. Feeling trapped is a blaming of others for my pain, a way to keep an uneasy distance, from an intimacy which may feel threatening, only because I haven't come this way before - it's a further pushing forward of my personal frontiers.
When I'm frightened, I tend to flip over into anger. If I work my program I will stop to examine my anger when it arises, to eliminate the possibility that it's a response to having my boundaries violated. If that's not happening, then I need to look around to see: where am I fearful?
I'm going to a lot more meetings per week in the last while, and it's an amazing coincidence how doing so has affected my program. I'd been feeling very stuck; now, I'm like an old car with a faulty choke, I may be juttering and banging and lurching along, but hey, I'm moving forward, and I'm feeling my serenity flowing back to warm not only me, but all around me.
I sat here this morning, with my little dog making contented noises, as she had a little slurp on my shirtsleeve, (our vet says this can happen when puppies are weaned at too young an age - it can leave them with an apparently lifelong urge to nurse; eating a meal triggers this, and if she's cuddling with me after eating, she will either fasten upon my knuckle, which makes typing impossible, or refused that, my sleeve.) and felt a rush of gratitude, for all of those who show up at meetings, and speak their truth, and for all who blog, and do the same.
Keep coming back, it works.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
AA Rally.
My partner got home late last night from an AA rally he'd attended - he'd driven over to the town where we once lived, and seen many of the people with whom he'd started in AA.
One had only just gotten back in after a slip; he'd lost probably 50-60 pounds, was drawn, gaunt and shaky. This man had been someone with whom my partner had some of his first struggling to-understand-AA conversations, and he was shocked to see his condition.
A couple of days ago, a new man in one of my partner's meetings was encouraged to come to the rally, and he did. As it happened, he was the person at the rally with the shortest time sober in AA - 8 days, and he was called to the front to accept a Big Book from the man with the longest time - 48 years. My partner spoke movingly of how touched he had been by the response of this new member to being recognised and encouraged.
My partner has recently had one of those massively huge and stunning realisations granted to us by our Higher Power when we really work our program, and his face glowed when he talked of how much more connected he felt this time to the AA members at the rally - some roadblock to his heart has been removed, and he's much more open and willing. It's a beautiful sight.
One had only just gotten back in after a slip; he'd lost probably 50-60 pounds, was drawn, gaunt and shaky. This man had been someone with whom my partner had some of his first struggling to-understand-AA conversations, and he was shocked to see his condition.
A couple of days ago, a new man in one of my partner's meetings was encouraged to come to the rally, and he did. As it happened, he was the person at the rally with the shortest time sober in AA - 8 days, and he was called to the front to accept a Big Book from the man with the longest time - 48 years. My partner spoke movingly of how touched he had been by the response of this new member to being recognised and encouraged.
My partner has recently had one of those massively huge and stunning realisations granted to us by our Higher Power when we really work our program, and his face glowed when he talked of how much more connected he felt this time to the AA members at the rally - some roadblock to his heart has been removed, and he's much more open and willing. It's a beautiful sight.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
What Prompted That, I Wonder?
This week, someone I do not know at all well, have barely spoken to, in fact, but who belongs to a club of which I'm a member, sent me an email which contained a quotation so amazingly, blindingly, apt to what's going on in my life right now, that I sat re-reading it, at first startled, and then feeling as though my Higher Power had just leapt out at me from behind a tree, crying "Gotcha!" (I mean no offense to those of you whose Higher Power is a dignified presence, who would never hide, or leap - mine seems to have a rather pointed sense of humour.)
Experience has taught me, that when I receive these snippets of wisdom, I ignore them at my peril. They will burrow their way into my brain like a cockleburr into a wool sweater, sticking tenaciously, refusing to be removed until I take the time to stop, examine them closely to discover the hook - how it works, why it works. Only then can they be successfully worked back through the fabric of my day, set carefully down, and admired for the beauty of their form.
At one time in my recovery, I found these thoroughly annoying. I knew the road to my destination, what was with these new signs suddenly appearing, suggesting that I was heading in the wrong direction?
Nowadays, I'm grateful. I never have to drive as far, before reversing and retracing my route. If I pay heed to the first sign, (such as this email) I'll hardly have convered any distance misdirected.
I used to think that wisdom was going to arrive in beautifully bound tomes with gilt edges, smelling of old leather and time past. Seems like most of the wisdom I've received, has been more like a sharp poke in the back with a bony finger, or an affectionate whack upside the head - never hard enough to cause injury to anything more than my pride, but often with sufficient force to make me raise my voice in outrage, at having my self-possession and my hair, mussed up like that.
So it goes. I don't get a choice in how it's delivered, only in whether I'll accept it.
From Hope for Today, page 16:
"The Al-Anon program works to the extent that I am open, honest, and willing, each of which is an important component to a humble state of learning. Being teachable means I admit that I don't know it all. Walking the path of self-improvement is a lifelong journey."
Experience has taught me, that when I receive these snippets of wisdom, I ignore them at my peril. They will burrow their way into my brain like a cockleburr into a wool sweater, sticking tenaciously, refusing to be removed until I take the time to stop, examine them closely to discover the hook - how it works, why it works. Only then can they be successfully worked back through the fabric of my day, set carefully down, and admired for the beauty of their form.
At one time in my recovery, I found these thoroughly annoying. I knew the road to my destination, what was with these new signs suddenly appearing, suggesting that I was heading in the wrong direction?
Nowadays, I'm grateful. I never have to drive as far, before reversing and retracing my route. If I pay heed to the first sign, (such as this email) I'll hardly have convered any distance misdirected.
I used to think that wisdom was going to arrive in beautifully bound tomes with gilt edges, smelling of old leather and time past. Seems like most of the wisdom I've received, has been more like a sharp poke in the back with a bony finger, or an affectionate whack upside the head - never hard enough to cause injury to anything more than my pride, but often with sufficient force to make me raise my voice in outrage, at having my self-possession and my hair, mussed up like that.
So it goes. I don't get a choice in how it's delivered, only in whether I'll accept it.
From Hope for Today, page 16:
"The Al-Anon program works to the extent that I am open, honest, and willing, each of which is an important component to a humble state of learning. Being teachable means I admit that I don't know it all. Walking the path of self-improvement is a lifelong journey."
Monday, April 5, 2010
The Creation Of Art As A Gift And A Blessing.
Obsessing isn't necessarily bad in and of itself, it's what we choose as the object of our obsession. Art is one of my positive preoccupations - just like any other kind of obsessing, it pulls me into a time warp of complete fixation upon my subject.
I surface hours later, stiff as a board from sitting in one position, hand cramped, neck sore, feeling a satisfaction I find nowhere else in life. Art has been this escape into another universe for me, as long as I can recall.
Due to its engrossing nature, art can be an excellent recovery tool when my mind will not quiet down through other means. I can't paint and worry - I need all my concentration to try to get that effect I'm aiming for. I'm completely caught up in it, and all the matters that seemed so important before I sat down at my worktable, fall silently away - I'm transported into a place of peaceful contemplation.
When I do stop, then all the minutae of daily life flood back in, and my critical voice starts up - I shouldn't have overworked that leaf, and the background is too blue, yada yada yada.
I've learned through years of working in various mediums, to plow through obstacles in my ability, and just keep doing another and another piece, regardless of my frustration level.
There have been many times when the only way I could see my progression was to haul out old pieces, and set them beside the new.
I've heard people talk in Al-Anon about feeling stuck, feeling that they are plowing the same ground interminably, while to the rest of us at the table, this person has made huge progress in their attitudes and abilities.
There are times when all I can see is my present dissatisfaction. I've forgotten (deliberately, in order to sustain my present sulky mood, or inadvertently, as is the way of humanity) the place from whence I came, its terrors and sorrows, and my vision is filled with the way whatever-it-is in the present doesn't fit my desires or specifications. All I can see is what isn't.
My spouse isn't doing what I want. My group isn't adopting something I suggested. My Higher Power isn't giving me what I prayed for. Life isn't the way I think it should be......and so on, you no doubt have your own list.
I was in this mood all day yesterday, feeling ill and out of sorts and grumpy and hard done by, and this morning felt only slightly better, until I read Mr.SponsorPants post of today, and burst out laughing - I'd been raining on my own parade since I first awoke, yesterday morning.
This is why it's so important for me to have daily reminders in the form of Al-Anon literature, meetings, blogs, and a sponsor - because even after all this time, I can still forget.
I need those jogs of my memory - I need someone pointing out that compared to where I used to be, life is a carnival nowadays, and what am I complaining about? Co-incidentally (right) I neglected to read any program literature yesterday, or I'd have found this reminder in the ODAT, page 96:
"The Steps are like a medicine which many of us won't bother to take, although we know they can heal us of the sickness of despair, frustration, resentment and self-pity. Why is this? It may be we have a deep-rooted desire for martyrdom."
Between that reading, and Mr.Sponsorpants' post, the message is loud and clear, and today, I can hear it. For that, I'm truly grateful.
I surface hours later, stiff as a board from sitting in one position, hand cramped, neck sore, feeling a satisfaction I find nowhere else in life. Art has been this escape into another universe for me, as long as I can recall.
Due to its engrossing nature, art can be an excellent recovery tool when my mind will not quiet down through other means. I can't paint and worry - I need all my concentration to try to get that effect I'm aiming for. I'm completely caught up in it, and all the matters that seemed so important before I sat down at my worktable, fall silently away - I'm transported into a place of peaceful contemplation.
When I do stop, then all the minutae of daily life flood back in, and my critical voice starts up - I shouldn't have overworked that leaf, and the background is too blue, yada yada yada.
I've learned through years of working in various mediums, to plow through obstacles in my ability, and just keep doing another and another piece, regardless of my frustration level.
There have been many times when the only way I could see my progression was to haul out old pieces, and set them beside the new.
I've heard people talk in Al-Anon about feeling stuck, feeling that they are plowing the same ground interminably, while to the rest of us at the table, this person has made huge progress in their attitudes and abilities.
There are times when all I can see is my present dissatisfaction. I've forgotten (deliberately, in order to sustain my present sulky mood, or inadvertently, as is the way of humanity) the place from whence I came, its terrors and sorrows, and my vision is filled with the way whatever-it-is in the present doesn't fit my desires or specifications. All I can see is what isn't.
My spouse isn't doing what I want. My group isn't adopting something I suggested. My Higher Power isn't giving me what I prayed for. Life isn't the way I think it should be......and so on, you no doubt have your own list.
I was in this mood all day yesterday, feeling ill and out of sorts and grumpy and hard done by, and this morning felt only slightly better, until I read Mr.SponsorPants post of today, and burst out laughing - I'd been raining on my own parade since I first awoke, yesterday morning.
This is why it's so important for me to have daily reminders in the form of Al-Anon literature, meetings, blogs, and a sponsor - because even after all this time, I can still forget.
I need those jogs of my memory - I need someone pointing out that compared to where I used to be, life is a carnival nowadays, and what am I complaining about? Co-incidentally (right) I neglected to read any program literature yesterday, or I'd have found this reminder in the ODAT, page 96:
"The Steps are like a medicine which many of us won't bother to take, although we know they can heal us of the sickness of despair, frustration, resentment and self-pity. Why is this? It may be we have a deep-rooted desire for martyrdom."
Between that reading, and Mr.Sponsorpants' post, the message is loud and clear, and today, I can hear it. For that, I'm truly grateful.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Facades.
Two bloggers today have posts about the suicides, or attempted suicides, of people they know. When I hear of a sucide, or an attempt, and those speaking about it are shocked and astonished, I think to myself sadly that the person must have had an excellent facade, well-maintained, and carefully protected. Some of us live for years as if behind a smoked pane of glass. Those close to us may be able to discern movement, but they cannot ever see us clearly.
In 12 Step, we learn that for meaningful change to occur, we have to walk out from behind that glass, those carefully constructed facades: be willing to be real and honest about our wants, needs, feelings and sorrows.
This requires that we first be willing to admit to our faults, frailties, crazed thinking, obsessions, character defects. It means being willing to push our ego off the chair, so that truth has a chance to sit down and relax.
I was raised in a home where all that mattered was the facade - I learned to bolt that damn thing on so securely that nothing, but nothing, could dislodge it. Or so I believed, for many years. I discovered that my Higher Power can move it out of the way, if I'm willing, and remember to ask.
It may serve my ego to polish my facade, and hide behind it, but it doesn't serve my soul-need. That can only be satisfied through honest communion with another human being, and my Higher Power.
It's a choice I have to make repeatedly in a day, and there will be days when I have no energy or trust, so I stay in hiding, and feel lonely. I need to be clear that the loneliness is a choice, not a life-sentence.
In 12 Step, we learn that for meaningful change to occur, we have to walk out from behind that glass, those carefully constructed facades: be willing to be real and honest about our wants, needs, feelings and sorrows.
This requires that we first be willing to admit to our faults, frailties, crazed thinking, obsessions, character defects. It means being willing to push our ego off the chair, so that truth has a chance to sit down and relax.
I was raised in a home where all that mattered was the facade - I learned to bolt that damn thing on so securely that nothing, but nothing, could dislodge it. Or so I believed, for many years. I discovered that my Higher Power can move it out of the way, if I'm willing, and remember to ask.
It may serve my ego to polish my facade, and hide behind it, but it doesn't serve my soul-need. That can only be satisfied through honest communion with another human being, and my Higher Power.
It's a choice I have to make repeatedly in a day, and there will be days when I have no energy or trust, so I stay in hiding, and feel lonely. I need to be clear that the loneliness is a choice, not a life-sentence.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Substance vs Appearance.
A non-program friend asks, "What's the point of admitting to your faults, doesn't that just make you look bad?"
I hadn't thought about it that way. I suppose I'm so firmly entrenched in a certain way of acting upon my realisations of myself and my character defects, that this has become second nature:
"Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."
Practising Al-Anon doesn't mean that I miraculously shed all of the less delightful aspects of myself, it means that I work to be aware of them, deal with them in the least damaging manner possible, to myself and those around me. Some I will be able to let go, and good riddance to them; some are more intrinsic to my character, and there will be stressful periods when every second corner I traverse, they will arise, to thwart and hinder me. Reminds me of a lyric in a Tom Petty song: "I've come now to accept it, it's a re-occurring thing."
I'm never going to be perfect; what I'm aiming for nowadays, is to be the best I can be with the knowledge I have at any given point in time. The longer I am in Al-Anon, the better I learn to understand how I operate, what motivates and drives me, what hinders my growth, what stimulates forward progress.
I leaned along the way, that admitting when I'm wrong isn't a matter of imparting information others don't already have about me - we're all very good at seeing how another person is going off the rails. It is in the admitting that the power to change resides; the willingness to admit carries within it, the surrender to reality.
I have found, to my interest, that the posts on this blog which deal with a struggle I'm having with a character defect seem to be the ones which receive the most comments. Either readers can relate, or they feel moved to offer support.
From the ODAT, page 336:
"This day, and the days to come, will be filled with opportunities to make more of myself."
I love that. Only thing is, quite often those opportunities come hard on the heels of an "inventory and amend" package.
I hadn't thought about it that way. I suppose I'm so firmly entrenched in a certain way of acting upon my realisations of myself and my character defects, that this has become second nature:
"Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."
Practising Al-Anon doesn't mean that I miraculously shed all of the less delightful aspects of myself, it means that I work to be aware of them, deal with them in the least damaging manner possible, to myself and those around me. Some I will be able to let go, and good riddance to them; some are more intrinsic to my character, and there will be stressful periods when every second corner I traverse, they will arise, to thwart and hinder me. Reminds me of a lyric in a Tom Petty song: "I've come now to accept it, it's a re-occurring thing."
I'm never going to be perfect; what I'm aiming for nowadays, is to be the best I can be with the knowledge I have at any given point in time. The longer I am in Al-Anon, the better I learn to understand how I operate, what motivates and drives me, what hinders my growth, what stimulates forward progress.
I leaned along the way, that admitting when I'm wrong isn't a matter of imparting information others don't already have about me - we're all very good at seeing how another person is going off the rails. It is in the admitting that the power to change resides; the willingness to admit carries within it, the surrender to reality.
I have found, to my interest, that the posts on this blog which deal with a struggle I'm having with a character defect seem to be the ones which receive the most comments. Either readers can relate, or they feel moved to offer support.
From the ODAT, page 336:
"This day, and the days to come, will be filled with opportunities to make more of myself."
I love that. Only thing is, quite often those opportunities come hard on the heels of an "inventory and amend" package.
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