Facades.

Two bloggers today have posts about the suicides, or attempted suicides, of people they know. When I hear of a sucide, or an attempt, and those speaking about it are shocked and astonished, I think to myself sadly that the person must have had an excellent facade, well-maintained, and carefully protected. Some of us live for years as if behind a smoked pane of glass. Those close to us may be able to discern movement, but they cannot ever see us clearly.

In 12 Step, we learn that for meaningful change to occur, we have to walk out from behind that glass, those carefully constructed facades: be willing to be real and honest about our wants, needs, feelings and sorrows.

This requires that we first be willing to admit to our faults, frailties, crazed thinking, obsessions, character defects. It means being willing to push our ego off the chair, so that truth has a chance to sit down and relax.

I was raised in a home where all that mattered was the facade - I learned to bolt that damn thing on so securely that nothing, but nothing, could dislodge it. Or so I believed, for many years. I discovered that my Higher Power can move it out of the way, if I'm willing, and remember to ask.

It may serve my ego to polish my facade, and hide behind it, but it doesn't serve my soul-need. That can only be satisfied through honest communion with another human being, and my Higher Power.

It's a choice I have to make repeatedly in a day, and there will be days when I have no energy or trust, so I stay in hiding, and feel lonely. I need to be clear that the loneliness is a choice, not a life-sentence.