You Can Be A Good Example, Even When You're Struggling.

Since I'm a great believer in taking my own suggestions, I'm going to try to write today, even though I'm feeling that I have nothing useful or helpful or even halfways intelligent to say. I believe that we can be of service to newcomers and those who are really battling, when we admit that we don't have the energy or the desire or anything much to share, but we show up anyway.

I've had a rough few weeks - some childhood stuff with which I've never dealt, is now demanding to be processed, and I appear to have reached a point at which my ability to say "Not now/later/some other time," and successfully shove those memories and feelings back into their closet and shut the door, has reached an end.  (It's with some irony that I remember writing a post quite some time ago, about letting go of the past, and realise that this is only possible if it is first acknowledged for what it was. I can't let go of that which I won't even admit happened.)

My family doctor suggests that it's not uncommon in midlife, for those of us who suffered severe physical abuse as a small child, and have reached a place of overall mental stability, to have to go through this process - now it's safe for the pain to come up and be felt, it won't destroy us. I like that "overall mental stability" description; with what I've been going through, it's comforting to think someone else sees me that way. My sponsor has said the same thing in different words; I'm strong enough now, to sift through that which has never been hauled out of the cupboard, laid out on the floor, and examined.

I'm trying to stay open to the process, accept that something in me is being worked out, and that if I keep wading, clutching my Higher Power's hand, I will reach the other side of this river of pain and seemingly endless flow of tears. I'm trying to let the memories and the feelings flow through me, with no editorial comment on my part.  I'm trying to accept that for this, I can't force myself to feel better. I can only show up, and be willing.