You Can't Get Blood From A Stone.

When I was new to recovery, and still trying to understand why my alcoholic ex-husband did what he did, I began to notice a pattern in our encounters. I realised that some of his behavior was directed at keeping a measured emotional space between us - not too much distance, not too much intimacy. I started to call these manipulative behaviors "advance/retreat games."

If I "advanced" by opening a discussion about the way we communicated, asking to have my wants or needs met, or speaking of my feelings for him, he "retreated" by changing the subject to what he'd done at work that day, pretending I hadn't spoken, or if I continued to press him, insulting me as a way to get distance.

If I then "retreated" into a hurt or angry silence, he would "advance" by giving me a hug, asking me what was wrong, and telling me he loved me.

If I took that as encouragement, and "advanced" again by once more trying to speak about my thoughts or feelings, he'd "retreat" by pushing me away, saying something rude, or changing the subject again.

We all have emotional safe zones; strangers are only allowed at the outer edges, friends are closer, spouses and best friends closer still. Some of us have very large safe zones, we only feel comfortable with other people kept at quite a distance - alcoholics can be this way, but so can many of us badly hurt as small children - we don't trust.

What I've learned in Al-Anon, is that I can ask to have my wants and needs met, but if I demand, I am trespassing upon another's safe zone. If they can't give me what I want and need at that moment in time, I must respect that, and go elsewhere to satisfy my emotional needs. I can call a program friend, talk to my Higher Power, take the dogs out for a walk by the sea.

If a person plays advance-retreat games, it's not because they've decided that they want to be maddening to me, it's because they don't feel safe with that level of intimacy. If I keep trying to force them to either move closer themselves, or allow me to move closer, I will damage the fragile delicate thing that is trust, and that's self-defeating.

A program friend started out by saying about her alcoholic husband, "You can't get blood from a stone." and over time, changed that to, "He wasn't comfortable with it." She describes the process as, "moving from judgement into acceptance."

When I'm taking another person's inventory, I have lost my focus. It's not my place to decide how someone else should act, think, or feel. I don't have to like it, but if I don't accept it, I will lose my serenity.
It is what it is.
People will do what they will do, and I can't control that. I can only control me, and some days, when I'm hungry/angry/lonely/tired, (H.A.L.T.) that can feel like driving a car with iffy brakes.

I pray for the strength and wisdom to keep my mouth firmly closed for a moment or two: give myself time to respond appropriately: to respect other's people's emotional safe zones: not to judge them for not being where I might want them to be. I pray to be loving.