Just a little while ago, my alcoholic looked me straight in the face, and coolly pronounced me to blame for something which has happened. I was sitting at the kitchen table when this was said, and after a moment of stunned silence, I got up and came into my workroom, closing the door. I was reeling.
Not only can I not follow the reasoning, I'm astounded to discover that they consider it to be my fault. All becomes clear, having had this piece of the puzzle plopped down onto the table in front of me; I find myself thinking that now I understand the resentment I've been sensing, the anger directed towards me for no apparent reason, the snarky comments, the contempt. It's my fault - therein lies the justification for the behavior directed towards me.
I had to go call my sponsor and talk for a few moments, until I felt that my world view had reasserted itself on a balanced plane. I said with heartfelt gratitude that I was happy I had a meeting to attend this evening, and we both laughed.
Now that I'm on the other side of the conversation with my sponsor, all I can do is shake my head and detach from the utter insanity of the alcoholic reasoning. I can be grateful that I'm not on the inside of their head, and that I have my program to help me during these moments. I can insist that I be treated with respect, and I can calmly, courteously refuse to accept the yoke of blame.
I can pray for guidance from my Higher Power.
I've been told that I don't have to catch any "dirty bricks" thrown at me. I liked that analogy. Seeing how the program works in your life helps me to see it working in mine.
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What a perfect example of projection. Bradshaw calls it "carried shame."
ReplyDeleteFor me, the marker that something's off is the feeling I have during transmission. Is the person hand holdingly kind & compassionate while helping me see that (for example) shoplifting is, indeed, a harm to all consumers & myself as well? Am I led to that with gentleness and love?
Or do I feel like I've just received a bomb?
If the latter, then it becomes my job to first & foremost identify the shame bomb. That's what I call it: shame bomb. Someone has just projectile vomited their own sense of badness, unhappiness, discontent, punitive-ness on to me.
If the "game" plays out according to script, they become Persecutor, being judge & jury to me. I become Victim and my role is to do whatever they say I should to prove I'm not bad/ redeem myself.
The shared lie in this "You're bad/ Prove you're not" game is that Victim has 100% blame/ badness, Persecutor has 100% innocence/ goodness. But it doesn't satisfy because something deep inside the guts of both people understands this is not true.
How unpleasant for you.
And my wish for anyone in this situation is to be able to see past the distraction of "proving I'm not bad" ... ie, the details of the STORY ... and recognize the super important PROCESS of "it's not OK to shame dump on me."
Good luck with that. It's challenging in so many ways.
OMG: This sounds EXACTLY like what the alcoholic in my life (that I have physically detached from) says about and to me: BLAME. Now I need to detach mentally and emotionally.
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