Friday, October 15, 2010

An Extra Meeting.

Last night, I was feeling prompted to attend an "extra" meeting. I found myself in that interesting place of arguing with the part of me that was pushing me into my shoes and out the door; I didn't feel much like attending a meeting.  I was tired from having driven over to have lunch with my sponsor. But some part of me accepted the prompting from my Higher Power, and got me there on time.

It was one of those intensely powerful meetings, where every person who shares, seems to be speaking directly to my character defects. Ouch. And not-ouch, too, because when I hear that others struggle with the same issues, I feel comforted, that I am not alone in backsliding on this or that. I feel that I am human, only human.

There is an aspect of my character with which I occasionally have to struggle, not so much anymore, but in times of stress, it will fight to gain some ground, and that is the part of me which wishes to punish in return, when someone I love has hurt me deeply. I heard sharing on that very thing in the meeting last night, and it was welcome, because I've been feeling that gruesome sneaky guilt I feel, when parts of me that I dislike, want to put on a fashion show, and commandeer the runway of my internal dialogue.

I need those reminders that I'm not a cartoon character of evil, just a flawed human being. If I give the guilt any room to move around at all, it will begin to take me over, my self-esteem will plummet, and before I know what's happening, I will be feeling despaired and depressed. I need to have it proven to me, by the loving empathy I feel to hear someone else share about it, that I can also love myself, in spite of my "worst" character defects.

Being in Al-Anon, even for a time, doesn't mean I will not be faced with the normal human struggles, merely that when I am, I will have a repository of experience, both mine, and that of others, from which to choose healthy thinking.

Onward and upward, one day at a time.

1 comment:

  1. Normal human feelings are what we each have---some are good and some not so good. I struggle too. But each day is a chance to do better and to choose different thoughts and actions.