Two of my favourite bloggers have posted today about two very different matters, but I came away with much the same feeling, after having read each post - it's a cycle: wait it out, work it out, and it will come to an end.
A Tradition study group I'm in, seems to have evolved down to myself, and one other person. I can either feel resistant and irritated about this, or I can accept it as meant to be, and go with it. When I'm in the wash cycle, being cleaned of old thinking, feeling fresh and revitalised, I can relax and let it happen. When I'm in the spin cycle, if I don't work my program, those thoughts in my head can take me over, and I end up dizzy, disoriented, and flattened out.
I used to believe that I could speed the cycle up by working my program harder than usual. I discovered that while I couldn't change the length of time it took to work through, I could change how I felt while it was happening. I've had to learn to let that be enough, to not kick and moan, when it's not finishing as quickly as I'd like.
It is what it is, and it takes however long it takes.
I can be peaceful even through a wild windstorm, if I trust my Higher Power not to drop a 100-foot tree upon my head. What I can't do, is turn off what's going on around me, that's out of my control, and is going to happen, whether I like it, dislike it, or feel enormous resentment about the whole damn thing.
I cannot change other people. I cannot change other people's cycles.
Taking someone else's inventory, has been, at various times in my life, almost my favourite pastime. I could spend hours engaged in it: winkling through their behavior and their choices and what they'd said, and how they'd looked when they said it, and what that meant....ad infinitum.
I'm trying to be kinder to myself when I forget to not do this; instead of berating myself, and adding to my unhappy feelings, I'm trying to laugh at myself, and let it go. I can choose to be kinder to myself. I deserve kindness.
Two days ago, I spoke to person A, called her by name, and she asked if I could go tell person B she wished to speak with her? I walked across the room to person B, opened my mouth to speak, and could not for the life of me remember the name of person A. It was gone. I've long since given up being irritated by this kind of thing. I prefer to laugh about it - were I to let it annoy me, I'd be annoyed so many times in a day, it would begin to have a negative impact upon my serenity.
I'm getting older, these things happen; how do I choose to deal with it? If I find it humourous, I'm guaranteed a good laugh several times today. I have found in Al-Anon, that if I can find humour in my frailties, I am more willing to work to give them up, and turn them over. Laughing helps to loosen their grip upon me.
I love the whole idea of being in a cycle, washing, spinning rinse its all part of how it works.
ReplyDeleteI think that the cycle of work, play, stress, relaxation seem to become more obvious when I am tired. The whole HALT thing seemed to be happening this week. But I feel much better and nearly rejuvenated. Thanks C. for your comment.
ReplyDeleteGreat analogy. Thanks for this post. I've been in the spin cycle for quite a few days, now. I'm working at letting it happen and going through it with Serenity.
ReplyDeleteThis post is worth keeping, re-reading, and passing on. I so needed to hear this e,s, and h. This is the miracle of the program of Al-anon, imo. The washer analogy is a new one and I loved it. I am having a few days where my depression has surfaced and a sense of humor really helps me to keep things in perspective until it passes. HP bless you for sharing.
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