Satisfaction As A Choice.

My spouse is trying to quit smoking. He's exceedingly grumpy. It seems to come in waves, perhaps as he tries to fight off a craving. This is the result of his trying to quit. Each time we go through one of his grouchy fits, I remind myself that I have wanted him to quit smoking ever since he took it up again, and that we discussed this before he tried quitting. We had a good long talk about it, and set some ground rules for how we'd deal with his moods, since anytime he's tried to quit in the past, he's been quite bad-tempered during the worst of the withdrawal.

This time is different, because he's had a spiritual awakening in his own program, which has changed the way he views the world, me, the marriage, himself.

This time is different, because not only am I feeling happier to be living in a place where the sun shines more often, and it rains about half the time it did where we used to live, but I, too, have had some growth in my program.

When I read two of my favourite bloggers this morning, both had posted on the topic "starting over" - as I read the first, I smiled, thinking about the evening before, when at about 6:30pm, I'd said to my spouse, "Can we please start the evening over?" and he'd immediately agreed; we had a nice long hug to seal the deal.

I went to the second blog, and this person had also posted on the same topic - I laughed, feeling as if my Higher Power was making sure I got the point.

For me, satisfaction in my life is a choice I make. It's not predicated upon how someone else behaves, or what "worldly goods" I possess. (On the topic of worldly goods, my first rude awakening along those lines came when I'd been in program for about 12 years. My spouse purchased a "luxury" car for me, a beautiful gleaming black sports coupe. That car was the most uncomfortable, poorly designed, corner-wallowing cow of a car I've ever owned. Just as one example, whoever designed the wipers had obviously never tried them out, since the washer fluid was released from halfway up the wiper blade, thereby missing cleaning the entire bottom half of the passenger side of the windshield. And that was just one of the design flaws, that car had zillions. I had the strange experience of having people (usually men) say "Nice car!" to me, while I grew to hate that car with a passion. I drove it for about 8 months, and then sold it and purchased a car which would be considered way down the food chain of desirable vehicles, but which was well-designed, and a pleasure to drive. This was a hugely powerful lesson to me along several lines: things aren't always what they seem, marketing can make a bad product seem desirable...all ideas which may seem self-evident to you, dear reader, but I'm a slow learner in some areas.)

I choose whether or not to be satisfied with my lot in life. I can wish for something different, I can strive to improve my lot, but whether or not I can live in satisfaction as my life is now, is my choice. I make this choice dozens of times a day. I pray to make it mindfully, joyfully, and with gratitude.