I had a frustrating day today. It was fine as long as I was in my own company, it was when I was around the alcoholic that my day began to go downhill. I had to work hard at letting go, and keeping my mouth firmly closed, no matter how many statements or behaviors meant to provoke, were displayed.
Some days, I can love the person, but I sure don't like them much. Some days, detaching is an act of will, and I must choose it repeatedly. I want to protest, to defend, to explain, to ask the other person not to treat me this way, but experience has taught me, that when the alcoholic is in the kind of mood they were today, any of those choices will only extend my discomfort, by giving them the chance to play head games. The only sane option is to tolerate it while I must, and as soon as I can, excuse myself.
I hate head games. A couple of hours of this sort of thing, and I can feel myself withdrawing away behind my mental barricades, pulling up the drawbridge, flooding the moat, and sealing up the castle for a lenthy siege. It resets my trust meter back to zero, every damn time.
I've explained until I'm blue in the face that this choice of theirs cannot, for me, be shrugged off so lightly by the next day. When I detach to that degree, I am affected. Even with all that I have learned in Al-Anon, I haven't yet figured out how to detach to the degree necessary to tolerate the behavior, without also detaching emotionally from the person themselves.
When I'm withdrawn emotionally like that, weeks can go by with me feeling a sort of distant disinvolvement; I may appear to be sitting in the same room, making noises of acknowledgement as the alcoholic speaks, but my real self is far, far away. I disengage from them completely. It becomes a surface thing. Tomorrow, they'll be back in a good mood, and want me to be there with them. But I'll be miles away, watching though binoculars.
Thanks for this post. I'm in a relatable state with my alcoholic. Sometimes I feel I need to detach so far it feels more like tearing asunder. This is one place where I'm so grateful to know that there is help; I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to stop withdrawing emotionally. I was doing it before I began going to meetings. Trying to replace withdrawing with detaching...
ReplyDeleteThanks I needed to hear this.
For me you have articulated my greatest difficulty in dealing with my husband. And this line is one that I identify with completely : "I want to protest, to defend, to explain, to ask the other person not to treat me this way, but experience has taught me, that when the alcoholic is in the kind of mood they were today, any of those choices will only extend my discomfort, by giving them the chance to play head games."
ReplyDeleteYes,yes,YES!!! It is such a barrier to closeness, and the irrationality and unpredictability of it always knocks me sideways, even after 19+ years of marriage. The truly sad thing is that it doesn't have to be this way. Continually detaching from someone I love is painful and exhausting. Thank you for giving voice to a pattern that I continue to struggle with.
Robin
I enjoyed reading your post about detaching. My husband will dangle the carrot hoping I will bite. I also like the comment I hear in ALanon
ReplyDeleteWhat you think of me is none of my buisness.
Your post really resonated with me. I become wary when the isms appear and the "dry" drunk returns. It makes me want to withdraw totally from them. I have yo-yo'ed emotionally for many years. Al-Anon has helped me to view others with compassion but there are moments when I feel very separated from another when the alcoholic mood hits. Fortunately, today is a good day. But I have had many that were not.
ReplyDeleteOMG - I just came across this blog. You MAY save my life, although my relationship with the alcoholic may not be so lucky.
ReplyDeleteI not only withdraw, but can't resist the crazy urge to try to "explain" myself. Ugh, endless frustration with him calling ME crazy. As soon as he's gone, I can think again, vow to be more detached, understanding of reality and self-caring and self respecting. Until the next time. The worst of all is, I'm waiting for him to tell me it's OK. Thank god the alanon and the patience of everyone I've met there.
Exactly!!!! Just the other day my alcoholic said something like "I've been sweet and loving to you all week...why are you still mad at me??"
ReplyDeleteThere are so very many things I could say about that comment!! But mostly I remember thinking that I wasn't mad at all. I was just away -- still detached and not ready to come back yet. It's very hard to describe, but you've done it very well.
This is so crazy as you have just explained my life since my husband's recent relapse. How on earth do you detach while still being present? For me, it's all or nothing. If I stay in his presence, I become even angier. The only thing I can do is leave the room or get a hotel during those times he is emotionally abusive. I've gone to a few Al-Anon meetings, I think I will return as I have alot of work to do.
ReplyDelete