As We Understand Him.

The God of my understanding has a sharply ironic sense of humour, as evidenced by my last few days, and many other instances.

My spouse and I were talking last night, about my decision to stop blogging, and the two days that followed. They grinned at me, and said, "Sometimes our decisions are overruled."

I loved that, it was such a perfect description of exactly how I've felt. I decided that I didn't have the time, or anything more worthwhile to say, so I was going to stop blogging. My decision was overruled, and the message was made crystal clear. I have a program friend who calls those messages "memos from God."

They start out politely and courteously, but get firmer and more forceful the longer we try to ignore them. She tells a story in which she made a decision, and then stuck to it grimly, while everyone from her sister to her pastor tried to suggest that perhaps God had other ideas for her in this case? She says that she'd decided to ignore those God-memos, and they went from: "My child, that's not such a great idea, I think it might be better were you to ___." to:  "DON'T PUSH ME, SUSAN!"

I can relate to that furious determination to get her own way, for me, it was part and parcel of being "right." I wanted to be right in everything, and I couldn't change my mind or back down, or concede, because I felt as though doing any of those would be  proof of the validity of the deep dark feelings of wrongness that I carried inside myself.

I couldn't bear to be overruled. I took it personally, and fumed and stewed and seethed. My first sponsor suggested that I try thanking my Higher Power when things didn't go my way.
I mumbled something noncommittal, and drove home thinking that she had finally crossed the line, she'd gone completely barking mad.

I've changed so much in Al-Anon. Now I may make the decision, but I don't have to have dire consequences threatened, in order to be willing to reconsider. Nowadays my Higher Power can play silly games with me to get the point across. I'm teachable.
I'm able to be wrong, and cheerfully admit it. There's no shame attached anymore.

I've still got a co-dependent's ability to rationalise, but now I can hear myself starting to do this. I recognise the opening bars. I can choose to listen to a different piece of music.
I can be grateful for all of you reading this, who respond to my blitherings with such warmth and encouragement.
I can change my mind. I can take a hint from God.