Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Attending Meetings.

Garnet posted today asking for input on what her readers thought about skipping a homegroup meeting for a social event. It's a good question. On the one hand, we hear that "there are no musts in Al-Anon." On the other, we are told by our fellow members to do this, that, and the other thing.

I think it's vitally important to distinguish between program, and advice. Al-Anon will not work for us, if we are following its precepts while simmering with resentment because by doing so, we aren't having any fun.

I have a tendency to rigidity in my personal makeup, so I don't like change. I feel ever-so-slightly anxious if I am forced to miss my homegroup meeting. Not ditheringly, not hand-wringingly, just slightly. This is a direct result of knowing myself well enough to know that if I give myself permission to skip one meeting, it could be the thin edge of the wedge, and I might skip another and another until pretty soon I'm not attending at all anymore, and I don't want to go down that road anytime soon, thanks.

No matter that this is highly unlikely after many years in Al-Anon, and that my dedication to my recovery is strong - it's a minor fear I still have, so I give myself permission to keep that evening inviolate from all inroads made upon it. I give myself permission, I don't make it a rule.

I've learned in program that a lot of my resentment has to do with the way I frame my thinking - when I think in terms of "I have to do this" it is irrelevant that this thing I'm doing is recovery - when I feel that I "have to," I'll start to kick against it.

I keep my meeting nights inviolate because that is what works for me. I wouldn't tell anyone else that they must do this. I might suggest that regular attendance seems to help us commit to recovery, and that committment seems to drive us forward in our learning and growth, but given my own somewhat rebellious nature, I don't lay out ironclad rules for anyone else.

We each must work it as we work it, there's no other way. I have read blog posts written by those who feel they know how program should be worked, and who judge and condemn others for not working it "the right way" - (which just happens to be their way) but that's part of who we are as people, I think. We're control freaks, alcoholic and co-dependent alike. I take what I like and leave the rest. That's one of the mysteries of 12 Step - we can still receive wisdom from those with whom we wouldn't want to spend 5 minutes of time, outside of a meeting.

We're all in this little boat together, and some days we're actively bailing, and some days we're lying over the bow bemoaning our lot while someone else bails. So it goes.

Before program, if I read a post like that, I'd have stopped reading - now I know enough to know that I don't know everything, and that my faults and frailties are just as obvious in my blog posts, and I pray to be granted tolerance, and to receive it.
Take what you like, and leave the rest. And try to have some fun while doing so.

6 comments:

  1. Hey Cheryl, thanks for the full response! I think you're right, 'there are no musts in Al-Anon.' And yet it's also true that 'it works if you work it.' One of those weird both/and situations where two apparently contradictory truths coexist.

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  2. What a great post. I can relate to so many things you wrote.

    I also tend toward rigidity and crave my routine. In my case, that feels both like a blessing and a character defect all at the same time. So I settle for acceptance.

    I also fear going down the road of slowly becoming disengaged from the program. Only I have far, far less time in, yet long enough to see how it happens.

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  3. I missed my home group meeting on Monday night because I had a sponsee meeting. I don't feel guilty or wrung out when I miss a meeting because sometimes work and life get in the way. That being said, I am dedicated to my recovery. There is no one size fits all in Al-Anon. And there are no enforcers. I get out of something what I put into it. That I do believe.

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  4. "I have read blog posts written by those who feel they know how program should be worked, and who judge and condemn others for not working it "the right way" - (which just happens to be their way) but that's part of who we are as people, I think. We're control freaks, alcoholic and co-dependent alike, so I make allowances for that when I'm reading. I take what I like and leave the rest. That's one of the mysteries of 12 Step - we can still receive wisdom from those with whom we wouldn't want to spend 5 minutes of time, outside of a meeting."

    I have read several of these posts recently and am immediately struck by how judgmental and snobbish they sound. Unsettling, rather than uplifting.

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  5. When I start judging another, I know that is my defect rearing it's head. I have even gone so far as to reply to a post that I judge as "less than Alanon" but erase my reply before I regret doing something. I did that this morning. Instead, I try to share just my experience, no more, no less. It is humbling to remember that I still have defects lurking around. Awareness is the first key!

    ♥namaste♥

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  6. I love this post. How true it is that a message meant just for me can come in many forms. Having an open mind was a gift I received in Alanon..after many years of learning.

    ♥namaste♥

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