Attending Meetings.

Garnet posted today asking for input on what her readers thought about skipping a homegroup meeting for a social event. It's a good question. On the one hand, we hear that "there are no musts in Al-Anon." On the other, we are told by our fellow members to do this, that, and the other thing.

I think it's vitally important to distinguish between program, and advice. Al-Anon will not work for us, if we are following its precepts while simmering with resentment because by doing so, we aren't having any fun.

I have a tendency to rigidity in my personal makeup, so I don't like change. I feel ever-so-slightly anxious if I am forced to miss my homegroup meeting. Not ditheringly, not hand-wringingly, just slightly. This is a direct result of knowing myself well enough to know that if I give myself permission to skip one meeting, it could be the thin edge of the wedge, and I might skip another and another until pretty soon I'm not attending at all anymore, and I don't want to go down that road anytime soon, thanks.

No matter that this is highly unlikely after many years in Al-Anon, and that my dedication to my recovery is strong - it's a minor fear I still have, so I give myself permission to keep that evening inviolate from all inroads made upon it. I give myself permission, I don't make it a rule.

I've learned in program that a lot of my resentment has to do with the way I frame my thinking - when I think in terms of "I have to do this" it is irrelevant that this thing I'm doing is recovery - when I feel that I "have to," I'll start to kick against it.

I keep my meeting nights inviolate because that is what works for me. I wouldn't tell anyone else that they must do this. I might suggest that regular attendance seems to help us commit to recovery, and that committment seems to drive us forward in our learning and growth, but given my own somewhat rebellious nature, I don't lay out ironclad rules for anyone else.

We each must work it as we work it, there's no other way. I have read blog posts written by those who feel they know how program should be worked, and who judge and condemn others for not working it "the right way" - (which just happens to be their way) but that's part of who we are as people, I think. We're control freaks, alcoholic and co-dependent alike. I take what I like and leave the rest. That's one of the mysteries of 12 Step - we can still receive wisdom from those with whom we wouldn't want to spend 5 minutes of time, outside of a meeting.

We're all in this little boat together, and some days we're actively bailing, and some days we're lying over the bow bemoaning our lot while someone else bails. So it goes.

Before program, if I read a post like that, I'd have stopped reading - now I know enough to know that I don't know everything, and that my faults and frailties are just as obvious in my blog posts, and I pray to be granted tolerance, and to receive it.
Take what you like, and leave the rest. And try to have some fun while doing so.