Other People's Anger, con't.

Those who have never been exposed to domestic abuse of any kind, can have great difficulty in understanding the dynamic involved.

Most of us don't start out with our partners shrieking ragefully at us, we start out with a small trampling of our boundaries, perhaps only an apparently offhand hurtful commet, which we excuse and minimise. This gives the abuser the information that they can "get away" with at least that much. The next time, it's a little bit worse. Again, we excuse, minimise, forgive, deny. Gradually, in this way, does the cycle progress, with the abusive behavior slowly gaining ground, and the victim slowly being backed away from an position of equality with the spouse.

Denial plays a big part in this. It's our own denial which makes us turn our faces away from the truth, and refuse to gaze fully upon the fact that we are being treated cruelly, with a complete lack of respect.

Also, in between the explosions of verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse, is the "honeymoon phase."

That's the time in which the abuser sets out to smooth away our understanding of the reality, to charm and lull us into believing that which we want so desperately to believe - he will never ever do this again, things are going to be different from now on, that was the last time, he's come to his senses, he truly understands now, he sees the light, he doesn't know what came over him, he is under stress from the business, but that is going to change, he adores us, he is yada yada yada.

We are like fish, and he is slowly, gently, lovingly, carefully, reeling us in.

When we love, we want to believe.
When we love, we want to be generous and forgiving.
We want to give another chance.
We want to offer room to move and grow.
We acquiesce in our own destruction.

At some point we reach our internal Rubicon, cross it, and there is no way back to what was. The abuser often senses this, and will redouble his entreaties to be given just one more chance, don't we love him? Don't we care about our families? How can we just throw away all these years together?

When we have made a decision, we will not stick to it, unless we accept ahead of time that we are going to be bombarded with efforts to change our mind, and decide that nothing the abuser says will make us decide otherwise.

Sometimes the only way to stop this, is to remove ourselves from the room, or our home - take the dog for a walk, take the kids out, go out ourselves.

Sometimes we need to explain to our partner that if he is willing to seek help to stop the abuse, we will entertain the possibility of us living together again in future, but that for now, we are going to be living separately. That's what I did - I left the door slightly open. Once I was out, and living alone, the relief and feeling of safety from those verbal attacks was so great that I knew I would never be willing to live with him again, regardless of how he changed, and I sought a permanent end to the marriage.

The "honeymoon phase" is a classic sign of abuse, and I've heard counsellors speak of how some women couldn't classify their marriages as abusive by what was said during the explosion, but recognised the honeymoon phase immediately when it was explained to them. They'd heard the promises, seen the demonstrations of loving sincerity, dismantled their boundaries in that phase, and found themselves quickly back in the cycle again.

With no lasting consquences, the abuser will not change.

The victim of the abuse can affect change in an abusive relationship, and we do that, when we decide that we have had enough.

Until that time, we will go around endlessly on that downward spiral of tension, explosion, honeymoon/tension, explosion, honeymoon.

I had to reach a place where I could remember the abusive phase with utter clarity, and superimpose his raging face, upon the soft loving face turned towards me during the honeymoon phase. I had to choose to remember, rather than choose to forget.

My choice.