Blogging Mysteries.

Seems like whenever I begin to wonder if I should continue with this blog, someone will write and thank me for a particular post...I guess that's my Higher Power answering my question.

From the ODAT, page 93:

"As I become less self-centered, I will have stronger defenses against being hurt by slights and injustices. Minor crises will not loom large because I will not allow myself to magnify them out of all proportion to their importance."

My dictionary defines self-centered as:
"concerned solely or chiefly with one's own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self; selfish; egotistical."

Less self-centered...well, I'm not sure I have achieved that, in truth. Perhaps I've just slowly worked my way into a state of self-absorption which is more acceptable to others, in that I'm far less likely to insist on maintaining a stance of rigid immovability, when it's pointed out to me that another person's interests and welfare are overlapping mine.

I'm still concerned chiefly with my own interests, though - when one doesn't have kids, that is an easier state to achieve and perpetuate. I mostly do whatever pleases me, but I am more willing to share myself in helpful ways, and to undertake those tasks in a spirit of loving helpfulness, rather than one of insincerity, or quiet fuming.

I was asked today if I'd help with a project, and I readily agreed - not from any particular interest in the project itself, but because I have the time and the skill, I'm fond of the person asking, and it's a way for me to give back what has been so generously given to me.

I see these things from a different viewpoint, after my time in program. Having the ability to say "No" makes saying "Yes" a choice, rather than an expectation I feel I must fufill.  I still stumble on this now and then, but I've learned that I have the right to either change my mind, and say so, or take it as another learning experience with which to bolster my self-respect. No need to demonize anyone for my own craven inability to respond with honesty, which is precisely how I used to deal with that scenario - (How dare they take advantage of me in this manner? Don't they know how busy/tired/exhausted I am? Nobody cares what I feel...)

My own desire to be liked stood squarely in the way of my being able to decide what I wanted. I could only discover my feelings in the matter after I'd given my answer. Before I'd replied, all I could focus upon was the other person's desire to have me respond affirmatively.

It was as though I were standing in front of a mirror, unable to see my reflection - able only to see the other person's reflection.

I believe this is one of the reasons why people-pleasing is so destructive; if I cannot see myself with any clarity, the likelihood of my being able to change any of my behaviors is slight. I become like a leaf in a stream, twisting and swirling in the pull and push of the water.

When my time is consumed in service to others, any time left for me feels snatched, skimpy, and full of resentment. In Al-Anon, I have learned that time spent with myself matters, and I am the one who decides when it is necessary.

That's why some days I don't blog.