Enabling, Or Acting As If - How Do I Tell?

This question was asked of me recently.

I was raised in a family in which the opinions of a mysterious "other people" seemed to direct our choices.
Also, I find displays of anger quite threatening - this makes me far more likely to accept unacceptable behavior, and tolerate that which I do not like, in an effort to avoid provoking displeasure.

I grew up with the precise thinking in place, to make me a top-flight enabler.

My dictionary offers the following synonyms for the word "enabler:" empower, allow, permit.

I empowered my first husband's consumption of alcohol when I agreed to drive him to the liquor store in an effort to stop him driving while intoxicated.

I've allowed the alcoholics in my life to continue to demonstrate unacceptable behavior, when I smoothed things over so there would be no consequences for that behavior, from myself, or anyone else.

I've permitted the alcholics to treat me in a way I did not like, when I sat and listened to my ex's abusive words night after night, let my sister speak to me with scorn, etc.

Sometimes the only way I can distinguish between enabling and acting as if, is to consider my motives. Why am I doing whatever it is?

If my motive is to make myself or the alcoholic look better to a third person, I'm most likely enabling. If my motive is to avoid dealing with conflict - enabling. If my motive is to please a person who is being rude or abusive - enabling.

If my motive is to forward my recovery along a new path, when I'm not sure how to go about it, then I'm probably ok to act as if.

So on a general note, I'd say that enabling is about events taking place outside myself, "acting as if" is about my inner workings.

Hope that helps.