Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Step Eleven.

"Sought through prayer and meditation to increase our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out."

In my early days in Al-Anon, this Step filled me with dread. My only experience with faith had been through the organised religion of my childhood. My memories of those 2 hours on Sunday mornings were of tedious monotony. I loathed church.

Because of this, I was very resistant to the spiritual aspects of program. I didn't believe in a Higher Power. I will always be grateful to the wisdom of 12-step; I was allowed to relax into "as we understood Him" and not feel as if I was always fighting off someone else's beliefs being foisted upon me. I could take what I liked and leave the rest.

I came to spirituality after I'd been in Al-Anon for quite a while. I prayed in desperation, to a Being I wasn't so sure I believed in, and my prayer was answered with a warm sense of peace which washed down over me like a wave, sweeping all of my pain, fears and worries away, leaving me serene.

(This didn't last, of course, since I gathered them all up a short while later, and commenced once again to carry them, bent under their weight, and complaining about the load.)

I had been permitted to arrive at my first spiritual awakening at my own speed, with no-one behind me shoving, directing or enforcing. No rules about what I had to say, no laws about where I could seek. Just a suggestion that I'd be better off if I took my ego out of the equation: "....praying only for the knowledge of His will for us..."

Al-Anon allows each of us, the space and time, to find our own way to God.

1 comment:

  1. I am thankful to have found my own way too. And it was quite a revelation.