Sunday, May 24, 2009

Letting Go - Of Old Behaviours.

This requires that we pay attention to our internal dialogue. I cannot change that of which I am unaware. If I don't recognise and understand my own thinking patterns, I will not be able to establish new ones.

I recognise what I call "the opening bars" of certain thinking patterns, which have kept me trapped in resentment, anger, frustration, and obsession. They often contain the words "always" and "never." In the past, I have been granted the ability to truly hear myself winding up, from a minor annoyance, to real anger - fear of some sort is always behind this. Fear of change, fear of loss: the fear doesn't matter, it's the fact of it. When I step back, detach from the emotion swirling in my head, and  make an effort to understand what's going on for me, I can see the fear motivating me.

I choose to find another way to deal with my fear. The old behaviours didn't work. They may have relieved the pressure somewhat, but the fear is still present, and without spiritual help, I will be stuck in an ever-repeating cycle.

I have discovered, through Al-Anon, that speaking of my fear seems to immediately deflate it. It goes from a huge thing over my head, casting an enormous shadow, down to a manageable size, just from the sharing of it. Often, it dissipates entirely, and I will find myself laughing to realise just how sunk in gloom I've been, over something which seems to have vanished when brought into the light of day, and held out for a friend to examine.

"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."
Mark Twain

1 comment:

  1. It does take a while to laugh at the fear. I am getting better at not feeling the fear of rejection. My wife makes me laugh when she answers the phone, "Rejection central". Now that's funny to me.