Friday, May 1, 2009

Step 6

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

Some days, I am ready. I'll catch myself demonstrating one of my character defects for the billionth time, stop, sigh heavily, and ask God: "Can you please deal with this? My puny efforts have gone for naught."

I'm thoroughly wearied by a pattern of behavior/ stubborn refusal to hear/ assumption in advance of the facts, whatever it may be that I'm acting out. I understand the thinking behind it, how it may have worked for me in the past but is now, like a dog, sneaking up to stand right behind me, so when I turn to walk, I almost do a face-plant in an effort not to fall over it. I've tried and tried and tried to do things differently, but I'm failing miserably, and I'm getting frustrated. I need help, in the form of a small spiritual awakening, so that my attitude is forever shifted just slightly, and the next time the situation arises, I no longer view it in the same habitual fashion, and the trigger is...gone.

That's the best way I know, to describe how Step 6 works for me. I don't realise it has happened, until after the fact, when I will realise with some wonder and delight, that what used to get me steamed, leaves me detached.

Now, one caveat here - this only seems to take place after I have put in countless hours of slog, working my program. I will have to have been trying to change my attitude, struggling to rise above my baser nature, discussing my character defects in brutal honesty at meetings and with sponsees and my own sponsor. I will need to have been stopping and considering, time after time, just what exactly what am I about to say, and why? What are my motives? What do I hope to accomplish?

God has never done the prep work for me; I must be willing to do that which demonstrates my willingness. But when I have done my part, and receive that gift of having a character defect removed, what fills the empty spot is a delirious sort of joyful detachment.

1 comment:

  1. There are some that I just want to hold onto for dear life. Others I think are no longer with me.