Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Dogs Aren't The Only Pack Animal.

I like being alone. I thoroughly enjoy my own company. I'm never bored, I can always find something with which to entertain myself, and I have a zillion projects waiting to be started. Given a choice, my first choice, my knee-jerk choice, is solitude. When I was married to an active drinker, I was unable to be alone in my own home, because it was always filled with groups of people partying, or people crashing on our couch, because they'd been kicked out of their own living quarters. I hated it, and what I hated most, apart from the constant drinking, was the inability to be alone. I felt like I could never relax.

That last sentence carries a major clue to my character at that time, before Al-Anon - I was unable to relax if I wasn't alone. I couldn't be comfortable in another person's company. The reasons for this began in my childhood. Other people weren't safe. I was only safe when I was alone. Other people were just a source of pain and misery. Their expectations, their mental and physical abuse - I learned very early on in life, that people could be cruel.

Al-Anon, and the people who truly embody and work the program, taught me that there are those who can be trusted. That may not sound like much to some of you reading this, but to me, that was a monumental discovery - it shifted my entire worldview a few degrees.

I've learned to be cautious, but open, to friendship offered. I've learned that inside a meeting, I can listen, and find comfort, enlightenment, and wisdom, even from those people I wouldn't be socialising with, in any other sphere of my life.

I've learned that at the best of times, other people can be an embodiment of my Higher Power's love.
That's progress.

1 comment:

  1. I like being with the people I love. When it comes to small talk though, I have enough after about 15 minutes and then would rather be alone. I guess that I have to connect at some deeper level than just superficiality.