Shutting Down - Emotional Unavailability.

When we've allowed unhealthy patterns to develop in a long-term relationship, trying to limit previously-accepted behaviors by setting a new boundary, can feel like trying to saw a 2"x4" with a carrot. We may find ourselves on the receiving end of temper tantrums, verbal and emotional abuse, or icy silences and rejection.

Emotional rejection can be a powerful tool of manipulation, because we all need to feel recognised, valued, worthy ... loved. If someone punishes us with rejecting behavior whenever we say something they don't want to hear, it can be confusing and distressing trying to set and maintain a boundary.

Being rejected when we speak up, may stir up feelings of hopelessness about the relationship. What's the point of trying to be honest with someone who can't, or won't, listen or hear? Why try to speak our truth, if we are only going to be rejected and ignored for it? For some of us, it may feel so intensely frustrating to be thwarted in this way, that we will begin to act out, in an effort to provoke a response, any response, from the other person. This doesn't work, because we only feel embarassed and ashamed of our own behavior once we calm down. I've done that many times in the past, and felt awful afterwards. I don't want to be that kind of person, who responds to unkindness with my own anger.

If we allow our boundaries to be trampled because we're afraid that setting them, reaffirming them, maintaining them, will result in punishing silences, we are teaching the other person how to manipulate us. If anger and rejection from our partner/family member/friend the first time we speak up or set a boundary, causes us to let them trample the boundary the next time they walk up to it, we have shown them we don't have the self-respect to say "Back up, please, you're standing on my toe."

I don't need to allow another person's silences or rejection of me, to alter how I feel about myself. I am the same person before and after their unacceptable behavior - I haven't changed. I don't deserve it, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. That's between them and their conscience.

We don't deserve to be treated unkindly, but we cannot force anyone else to change.


If the rejection is causing me hurt, I can seek comfort and solace in my Higher Power. I have never asked for help, and not received it. I need to be willing to let go of the other person's choices and behaviors, not sit obsessing about our interaction, trying to imagine a different outcome. It was what it was, and it is what it is.