Sunday, April 17, 2011

Waiting To Be Loved.

From "Courage to Change", page 107:

  "For instance, I always expected my happiness to come through others, especially my alcoholic parents. I spent most of my life waiting for them to show their love and approval in a way I could understand. They didn't, and I felt deprived and unlovable as a result.
  Al-Anon has helped me to interpret my situation differently."

I love that. Especially the last line. So much of my past unhappiness was a direct result of how I "interpreted" the world and the people around me. Before Al-Anon, I had no understanding of the fact that I had a choice in my interpretations - I accepted them as fact, and used them as a base for all of my encounters with people.

Learning to accept that merely because I thought it, didn't make it true, was a long hard haul uphill. I first had to accept that my viewpoint might be erroneous; then that it might be driven by arrogance, rigidity, fear, or alternatively, by any of the  motives churning in my head - trying to get my needs met in various underhanded ways. (At that stage in my life, I had no way to ask for what I wanted, so I manipulated and schemed.)

Back to my interpretations. I have learned in Al-Anon that I can interpret life differently when I am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. My interpretations are always darker, when I'm stressed.  If I view my world through a co-dependent filter, I will feel suspicious, distrusting, anxious, and unsettled. If I view it through the filter of the wisdom contained in 12-Step, I will be compassionate, accepting, relaxed, and serene. My choice.


  1. I can relate to this. I love hearing HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired?) too. That has been one life saving reminder over the years. I'm a little bit of the T right now. I hope I don't let it get to me, since I'm at work and I can't just take a nap. Thanks for your post!

  2. Some battles can never be won and this is one of them -- expecting our parents to parent.It will not change they are/were broken too, just like us. The fix-focusing on ourselves, a key to getting past it, finding inspiration within the program helps.

  3. Co-dependency is a difficult thing to deal with. I see what it has done in my life. I am grateful to have found Al-Anon.