Thursday, October 1, 2009

Accepting Responsibility.

Am I doing this in all areas of my life? Am I owning up to my mistakes, and making amends? Am I stopping to consider my motives before speaking? Am I taking personal inventory each day, to keep myself honest?

Am I deciding that today, I will not give myself permission to procrastinate again on whatever it is I know I should be doing?

Am I trying to be the best person I can be, or am I giving myself permission to take a holiday from Al-Anon for the next minute/hour/day, in order to satisfy my controlling nature?

The concept of "giving myself permission" is one I stress to newcomers, and to my sponsees. They know, or they learn quickly, that when speaking to me, it's inadvisable to use the phrase "It just happened!"

Try that one on me, and you will see me making wierd little faces while I wage an internal war, fighting to conquer my sarcastic desire to say: "Oh, you were just sitting there quietly communing with nature, and the next moment you were (insert character defect in action)? That must have been distressing for you!"

That's what I want to say, what I usually end up saying is something along the lines of, "Let's back up a bit, and see if we can figure out where you first began to give yourself permission to go down the path which leads inevitably to that action.."

I've learned that for myself, my choices are not always so clear-cut to allow me to grasp instantly where I went wrong, when doing a Step 10. I may need to backtrack quite some distance to find the fork in the road. I often discover that the major wrong has been prefaced by a few minor, always growing in intensity.

I'm striving to catch myself earlier in the process, so that I can accept responsibility ahead of time, and make better choices. That way, I don't have to make so many amends afterwards. Because make them I will have to - my conscience will not let me rest until I do. My conscience appears to have morphed from a "still small voice" to a loudly nagging bellow. If I want any peace from it, I need to practise these principles in all my affairs.

No comments:

Post a Comment