Friday, April 10, 2009

Keeping Score

I used to be a rabid scorekeeper - every harsh word, every sharp look, every injustice, was hauled out regularly, chewed over, and spat out at the alcoholics in my life. I didn't know any other way to live.

Now, I do know another way to live. Now, if I scorekeep, I am doing it by choice, and I have no excuse. I have no reason to continue bad habits, except laziness, and the occasional burst of hurt feelings I use for justification.

From ODAT, page 231:

"Storing up grievances is more than a waste of time; it's a waste of life that could be lived to greater satisfaction. If I keep a record of oppressions and indignitites, I am restoring them to painful reality."

I don't want to "restore them to painful reality." I've already lived through them once, and been hurt, do I truly want to keep on hurting myself, by having them ready to hand, in the forefront of my mind? I used them as a weapon, to wound the alcoholics with their recital, but I can't do that, without causing myself a repeat injury. There's a name for that - martyrdom. I spent almost my entire first marriage in a state of martyrdom, and it was a deep misery.

"The horror of that moment," the King said, "I shall never, never forget." "You will though," said the Queen, "if you don't make a memorandum of it."
(Lewis Carroll: Through the Looking Glass)

1 comment:

  1. I agree with you. I don't scorekeep anymore but I sure used to do that. Have a Good Friday.