I'm hoping I can get in to see my doctor today to get the results of my biopsy. I'm feeling calm and relaxed this morning; I had a good sleep. Al-Anon has been a blessing to me; when I'm willing to do my part, it works during even the most stressful times in life. This is out of my control - I have a choice as to whether or not I spend my time chewing over the possibilities, or whether I let go, and decide to enjoy myself regardless.
Time spent with my partner yesterday was a peaceful and fulfilling part of my day - his love is a joy, and he makes me laugh. At dinner yesterday, after I'd been talking about some airheaded thing I'd done, he leaned towards me, straightfaced and serious, and asked, "Now that we're a team, do you think we could share the brain cell?"
I howled with delight. He grinned at me, and I was washed with a wave of gratitude for his presence in my life. I've been looking for a man like this all my adult life. He's gentle and kind, with a strength of character developed through his own sufferings; he's also wickedly funny, thoughtful, insightful and hugely supportive.
One of my adoptive parents was British, and she used the phrase "rub along together" to describe a state of contented enjoyment of each other's company - my partner and I rub along together very well. I've never felt the desire to get away by myself, that I felt with each of the two alcoholics who were my earlier long-term relationships - this man is the best companion a woman could wish for, and I find him enormously attractive. We each have our own pursuits, and when we get together again afterwards, I feel gratitude and delight in his company; he's fun. He's also a mad gardener, and has increased my stock of house plants exponentially.
I'd rather concentrate on those parts of my life which bring me joy and peace, than fulminate in a closed loop upon that which is beyond my power to control. I've done so much of that kind of obsessing in my life, and it's a terrible way to pass the time, because it's futile, and it winds me up from a beginning state of mildly upset, to a state of frantic frustration and overwhelming compulsion - I don't want to live like that ever again.
It works if we work it. I'll keep you posted.
I have just started a new relationship, I find it both uplifting and difficult as submerged feelings are brought to the surface again.What I think I must do is stay serene and calm in my programme and look forward to seeing her each time so I can be myself and we can enjoy each others company. Having fun is a great gift and I'm having to question what I think is fun again! Thanks for a great post and I am still praying you will be fine.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this. It hits the spot!
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear that you and your new love are having such a sweet time together. You can't imagine how helpful it is to read that it is possible to grow and to find a loving partner after so many hard experiences with two alcoholics. You give me hope as well. I am glad you are enjoying the good things going on now instead of dwelling on what you can't control. I am praying for your biopsy results to be good, and for you to be at peace whatever comes, not letting your fears run amok. One of my favorite quotes is from Ann Voskamp: "Catastophizing is how we make our own soul-cages."
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to read you are enjoying your new partner.
ReplyDeleteThe gifts of the program. Thinking of you and hope your results are positive.
Humor and fun are so important in our lives. It keeps us young. Growing up in an alcoholic home, I relied on my laughter to make it through-- though I was depressed a lot of the times which made it hard to remember to be grateful for the joy in life. When we can find a partner, or even a friend, in our adult lives that relaxes us enough to remember to breathe and relax and live in the joy of the now, it's a blessing from our Higher Power. As it says in the Just For Today poem, "Just for today: I will be happy."
ReplyDeleteYou sound happy. I'm glad that you have found a good man to care about you and to share humor. I don't know if I will have a non-alcoholic relationship in my life. I love my wife and want her to be with me for many more years. I do know that what you describe is something that is rare and good.
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