Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Awake at 4 am, thinking.

I woke up just now out of a sound sleep, and lay there remembering the visit to the surgeon this afternoon. He seems to think I have an early tumour, but over the next 4-6  weeks I will be getting tested - an ultrasound, an MRI, a CT scan, etc, in an effort to stage the tumour, and find out how advanced the cancer is.

If it has spread; I may require radiation; if it hasn't metastasized, surgery will be enough.

When I got up out of bed a little while ago, my partner awoke and asked sleepily if I was okay, and did I want to talk about it? I sat on his side of the bed and we talked a little bit, and he made me burst out laughing with a silly joke.

Then I came here to my computer, and read a few emails from family and close friends to whom I'd sent the news earlier this evening, and found myself in tears, reading the loving words. I am fortunate indeed not to be having to walk this path alone. I have the love, companionship and humour of my partner to keep me balanced and sane, and good friends who love me. I have the Al-Anon program to help me through the more difficult aspects of this journey, and I have a loving Higher Power who has blessed me with all these people - a man who loves me whole-heartedly and without reservation, who has made his commitment to me crystal clear, and friends who have done the same.

I cannot imagine what it would have been like to try to endure this sort of experience before Al-Anon, when I was still such an angry, resentful, self-pitying and self-absorbed woman. I wouldn't have been able to deal with it, and the rage and anger would have been terrible.

Today, when we got back from the appointment with the surgeon, my partner and I went for a lovely walk in the large city park just blocks from here, then had an ice-cream cone, and a stroll home, secure in the comfort and love between us.

I am powerfully grateful for the people in my life, and the love and caring they give so generously to me. I am grateful that I can feel that love, that my own character defects no longer get in the way of my being able to accept love, or believe that I deserve it, which was the case before program.

I am grateful that all I have to do is ask, "Please help me with this, God" and I will be given comfort to soothe me, and to quiet my restless, questioning mind.

Thank you to all who have written messages of help and support, it means a lot. Bless you.


  1. Still sending good thoughts your way. I think the not knowing is probably the hardest. And thankfully, you can turn it over to your HP. I think that is a wonderful thing.

  2. But remember you don't have to be together all the time. Grieving and being afraid are all normal parts of what you are going through. I hope you give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up for you and work your way through it to the other side. Bless your heart....I am praying for you.

  3. Sending you loving thoughts. I was visiting a friend in hospital recently (hadn't spent any real time in one in almost 20 yrs) and I was impressed by all the equipment now used. I 'm no tech lover but I see how quickly medicine has advanced at diagnosing & treating disease. Much to be hopeful about with early intervention. And I'm so proud you sought an annual screening so that your small tumour was likely detected early.

  4. I agree Annette it is normal to feel fear. It is one thing not to dwell but let yourself feel your feelings is healthy.

    I am praying for you and I think your awesome for trying to remain strong and positive through all this.

  5. I will keep you in my prayers. Glad to hear you have a wonderful support group to help you walk this journey.