On this past Monday, I was diagnosed with cancer. The tumour is small, 2cm, .79 of an inch, and was caught as a result of routine screening finding an anomaly, so I underwent further testing, which revealed the cancer.
In truth, I knew it was cancer by the reaction of the doctor doing the testing, he exclaimed, "Oh no, look at that!" when he saw it on the screen, and then both he and the nurse present fell ominously silent. Before then, they had been joking a bit, and being a little silly with me, but as soon as he saw the "growth" (as they called it at the time,) his demeanor, and that of his nurse, changed completely.
I then had to wait for a week until the biopsy results came in. My partner went into the room with me to get the results from my family doctor, and looked as though he'd been hit by a truck, but when we walked out into the hallway of the medical building, drew me into the warm loving circle of his arms, and whispered his love for me.
For the rest of that day, I felt furiously angry and resentful - how unfair is it, to have met the love of my life 3 months ago, and now receive a cancer diagnosis?
By the next morning, my natural cheerfulness had reasserted itself, like one of those bathtub toys that will only stay submerged under the water if held there, as soon as one lets go, up they pop to ride the surface.
That's just how it's been for me; I have let this go, because it is completely, utterly, beyond my control. As soon as I made the choice to let go and give it all over to my Higher Power, my usual mindset returned. I spent far too many years steeped in anger and self-pity and resentment to be willing to let anything take me back to that miserable state of mind.
I don't want to be unhappy, and I don't have to be, even with cancer, if I choose not to be. I will most likely have times of tears, but I don't have to allow this to drag me into daily sorrow and anger - I have a partner who is a gift and a delight, and I want to be able to enjoy him wholeheartedly. I want to be able to do all the things that bring me joy, and do them with a light heart, and that requires that I let go of the cancer, turn it over, and release it. I will make decisions as I'm faced with them, but I will not let this define me.
I thank my Higher Power with a grateful heart, for all my years in Al-Anon, 29 next month - they make this possible.
Bless you and thank you for your supportive comments and letters. I'll keep you in the information loop, among my usual hit and miss posting on here.