Saturday, August 10, 2013

Forcing Patience

Patience was not one of my character assets, when I was new to program. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it - usually "yesterday, already."

I have learned patience, and it seems to have naturally developed further through diligent practise of the Al-Anon program. I no longer feel the incessant nag of wanting, which used to echo through my head like a loud motorcycle roaring up the road. But this has been tested lately, waiting for the results of my biopsy. I missed the doctor's call yesterday, because I was away from home at my partner's place. I also missed the call from a local surgeons office, informing me that I have an appointment booked as of August 20th.

I can let go of what I cannot control, so waiting over the weekend to get the results is no worse than waiting for the 1-2 weeks I believed I'd still have to wait to hear. It is what it is.

What I've had to work to control, is internet-trolling for information regarding the possibilities facing me. It's not a good idea at this point, because my mind wants, like a contrary horse, to go down the gloomiest road, and I don't want to travel that path again, thank you. I travelled that path and only that path, for most of my childhood and adult life, and it makes for an unhappy and depressed state. I don't want to torture myself with imaginings.

Last night I awoke out of a sound sleep, and my mind immediately began to present me with horrors of one sort or another. I got up, got a book, and read for a good two hours before I could fall back asleep, and that was only possible through my repeating like a mantra, "God, please help me with this." I fell asleep with the sting of tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, and the fear held just enough at bay to allow me sleep. That's what this program does - before Al-Anon, sleep would have been utterly impossible.

I'm house-sitting for the next ten days for a friend who is on vacation. Her little dog is a pleasant companion, but I miss my partner's strength, courage, and support.


  1. For me, patience comes down to Progress Not Perfection. Yes, I may want a million things to be different but if I can start with fixing just one of those things I feel a little better. Step by step.

    Also, the slogan Easy Does It works in many cases. I try to take on so much and want everything done NOW. But again, it's a step by step progression that I can't push myself too quickly through. Relax. Easy Does It.

    I also try to remember that when I am being impatient, it's usually then that I'm ignoring what needs to happen in the now and thinking too much about the future. Steven Sadleir said in The Awakening, “Impatience is ignorance of what is supposed to be happening in the present moment.” I remember when I first came to the rooms I wanted to jump into the shares right away. I didn't want to waste time with the secretarial stuff, treasury stuff, old business, new business and all the boring duties of the group. Eventually though, I came to understand that without getting these things done and without going through what I thought of as "the boring stuff" we wouldn't have a meeting in the first place. First Things First.

    If you don't mind, I'll be saying a prayer for you tonight. I hope things turn out okay for you. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with all of us.

  2. Hello TAAAF,

    I have a bad back and I really have to stop myself doing the Internet Search as it only brings up doom and gloom and feeds my insecurities the 'What If's' . Going to a qualified Dr. or alternative practitioner is a much healthier option. I am sure everyone is praying for you and your HP will look after you.

  3. My stinkin thinking always goes to the worst conclusion in most situations. This is part of my disease. I try to remember not to act on my first thought.. Learning to trust that HP is going to be there for me no matter what happens...
    Lately at night my head spins over and over.
    I meditate and try to remember to count my breath to 10 and then begin again.
    Your blog means alot to me thanks for sharing your experience strength and hope.

  4. I too am waiting on results form my DR it is stressful not knowing. I am trying to practice patients myself and I am kind of new to the game and I think I am losing lol. I will be praying for you.