Yesterday I had a medical screening procedure which discovered a growth, which will have to be removed, and I'll be waiting for a couple of weeks to find out whether the biopsies taken yesterday prove it to be cancerous or benign.
It's an interesting position in which to find oneself, at this stage of recovery. I'll have been a member of Al-Anon for 29 years as of next month, and I'm a very changed person from the frightened and desperate woman who first walked into an Al-Anon meeting all those years ago. Now I have a strong faith in my Higher Power, and I'm deeply grateful for the loving support of my friends, family, and partner.
In the past, my response to a situation of this type would have been to tell no-one about it, to pretend that all was normal and fine, and to just go on as usual, carrying the weight of the knowledge alone. I can still have trouble reaching out to say, "I'm a little nervous and apprehensive, will you comfort me?" but I have one or two people with whom I can bare my soul completely, and know that they will hear me, and be there for me. Truth is, there are more people than I've listed, who would be willing to be there for me, it's just that I'm not good at being vulnerable. It can still feel like weakness to say "I'm frightened" and the old tapes in my head are all about not burdening other people with news of this kind, and keeping a stiff upper lip, etc.
I wrote to my family members before I had a chance to rationalise that it would be better to tell them later, and so far, I've heard back from my brother, who wrote a loving and kind email containing a silly family joke to make me laugh. I'm still waiting to hear back from my sisters and other friends.
I have the odd moment in which the fear will, as I wrote to one good friend, "grab me by the throat and give me a good shake" but I understand with crystal clarity that this is all out of my control, all I can do is the next thing which needs to be done, work my program to the best of my ability, have faith that I will be given the strength to get through whatever happens, and feel intense gratitude for all of the wonderful loving people in my life.
Most of all I feel huge gratitude for my partner; he drove me to the hospital yesterday, picked me up after the procedure, took me home, put me to bed, and looked after me with cups of tea and things to eat, and great helpings of love and support - he's a gift from my Higher Power, and I love him.
Life is good. It's all in our attitude.