Step Eleven.

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out."

It was a long and perilous journey for me, to arrive not at a place from which I could meet my Higher Power, because He was always right there with me, but a place from which I could recognise my need for a connection with God. As long as I was bound and determined to achieve my own ends by my own means, I was consigned to a constant low-level misery, which ran in the background of my life like the hum of an appliance - so familiar, so "normal," that most times, it escaped my notice.

During times of stress, that sound would swell to a roar which drowned out all my attempts to muffle or silence it. Then,  life would settle back into the rut, and the misery would once again diminish to an almost-unheard level. I had no concept of how to deal with it, how to eradicate it, or even, most times, that it was there at all.

It was through working the Twelve Steps that I became aware of my hunger for a deeper meaning, and a spiritual life. I thought God could only be accessed through organised religion, with which I had no patience, having had a rather severe form rammed down my throat as a small child, with a side order of abuse.

My first sponsor suggested I try talking to God as I would to a close and valued friend. (I've written elsewhere on this blog about the evolution of my prayers.) I began in profound doubt, but was willing to try anything, so was willing to "act as if."

My spiritual awakening was instant and irrevocable. Once I believed, there was no going back to my original state. Which isn't to say I haven't railed and cursed at my Higher Power when His will runs directly counter to my own, or when those I love have been taken from me. But I know He hears me, understands me, forgives me, and loves me. I know that once I'm finished with my arguments or protestations, and I accept that this is His will, that I can then pray for "the power to carry that out." and it too, will be given to me. We aren't asked to carry that out alone, we are told that we have a source of strength and power with us always, just waiting to be accessed.

From As We Understood, page 200:

"When we turn to God, we find He has been facing us all the time."