Gratitude List.

First on the list, is gratitude that the two lumps on our older, wiser, more dignified dog, appear to be just fatty lumps. He will be being operated upon for their removal next week. I'm grateful we can afford to get this done.

This guy is the first small dog we've had, and my spouse has a tendency to forget that at 21lbs, he can't carry the treat load that an 80-pounder can. Our vet gently admonished us that he was a little too "portly." And this is a dog that gets at least an hour of brisk exercise a day, either walking in the park, or in inclement weather, on his favourite toy - the treadmill. Imagine how portly he'd be without that, and if he were more of a couch potato, instead of the highly-charged, always-running zippy little dog that he is. He's a type-A personality.

Our little female is more of the "First, establish whether whatever it is is worth it, before waking up all the way" type.

I'm grateful for Al-Anon, and all the people over the years who have given of their experience, strength, and hope so freely, to keep this incredible fellowship strong and growing. I'm grateful for my sponsor, and my sponsees. I'm grateful when some small thing I've said has lit the way for another program member, in the same way my path has been lit by the comments and sharings I've heard. I'd still be stumbling around in the dark, cursing, were it not for this blessed, simple-and-yet-excruciatingly-demanding program of Al-Anon.

I'm grateful for all the recovery bloggers who share themselves for the rest of us, and for those who read my blog, and leave little gifts of themselves in comments - you mean a lot to me, all of you.
God bless you, keep you safe, and give you a holiday full of pleasant memories.
Happy Christmas.

Experience, Strength, and Hope. (Or Not.)

I was in the city (not the one we're moving to, but a much larger centre a couple of hours further away) overnight on Monday, got home yesterday, and called an Al-Anon friend to talk about the Al-Anon meeting I attended when I was down there. I've been to this meeting a few times over the years; each time I've gone to this city and stayed overnight, I go to a meeting. I like the freshness of different viewpoints of recovery.

The meeting on Monday was a Christmas candlelight meeting - a custom at quite a few meetings in that city, during the holiday season.

I can honestly say that this was the very first time in all my years of attending Al-Anon meetings, that I've gone to the meeting in a positive frame of mind, and left feeling brought down. I found it depressing. Out of 25 or so people attending, there were only a couple of members who when they spoke, shared their experience, strength and hope - the rest were unremittingly negative. I sat and listened to a litany of complaint, blaming, angry ranting, pessimistic projections about how awful it was going to be on the day, cynicism...I felt myself slowly being dragged down to the level of the general mood in the room. After an hour and a half, with 10 or so members still left to speak, I quietly excused myself to the gentleman next to me, and slipped out the door. I had to get out of there. I walked out to my car feeling unsettled, and mildly depressed. I drove back to my hotel room wondering what effect that meeting would have upon a newcomer to Al-Anon.

I suppose I'm much more accustomed to Christmas meetings in which members discuss the ways they get through what can be a difficult time of year with their sanity intact, by using the tools of Al-Anon. I've heard people share about ways they take a few minutes to regroup when they feel challenged, perhaps nipping upstairs to read a page in their ODAT, then taking a few deep breaths and going back to the family gathering, or calling a program friend to share a quick, rueful laugh about the ways Christmas, and family, can challenge even the strongest program.

I'm more used to members offering what has worked for them at this difficult time of year, so that I've gone home from my Christmas meetings feeling revitalised, having heard useful suggestions for coping with a stressful situation in an Al-Anon way. I've heard quiet gratitude, and loud laughter. I've heard holiday stories told to illustrate the way Al-Anon has made it possible for Christmas to be joyful again. I've told my own turkey story, (which is too icky to be shared here, but if you truly want to be grossed out, you can email me, and I'll share it with you) and heard a zillion others. I've always, and I am not exaggerating for effect, always, left a Christmas Al-Anon meeting feeling happy, peaceful, and full of serenity.

I felt sad that this was so lacking from the meeting I attended in the city. What help are we to the other members of an Al-Anon group, if we only complain and blame? They, and we, can get that negativity anywhere and everywhere. Program is for "...solutions that lead to serenity."

I drove back to my hotel, took my little dog for the last walk of the day, then sat in my room and prayed a heartfelt prayer that the members of that group would be granted serenity and peace this Christmas.

I drifted off to sleep bathed in gratitude for the positive attitudes, help, and support I've received from Al-Anon, in the years I've been a member. I know I tend to repeat myself about this, but it's a huge part of my life, this gratitude. I remember very well the angry, resentful, defensive, deeply unhappy person I was before program, and I know that I am who I am today, only because of 12-Step, and my Higher Power.

Anniversary.

It's our wedding anniversary today, and my spouse always gives me a pair of earrings, a custom started way back when, in a time when money was very tight, but they wanted to mark the occasion with a gift of some sort. The earrings have ranged from beautiful to hilarious - this year it was the latter.  I opened the package and gave a great shout of delight - they know me so well after our years together. Their gift from me was also a rousing success, so that was fun, too.

We have the ability to make each other laugh, and that has never faltered, through good times and bad, financial struggles and times of plenty. I treasure that.

I pray that whenever I begin to be caught up in taking their inventory, God will turn my focus to my own shortcomings.

Christmas Alternatives.

We move in 11 days. We haven't spent the holiday with family in many years - they either live at the other end of the country, and fight like mad dogs whenever they get together, or were abusive, and I have no contact with them. Friends have offered, and we did accept a New Year's Eve invitation, but we usually spend Christmas Day with just the two of us, because that's how we like it. Over the years we've been together, we've each slowly, gradually, come back from hating the holiday, to being able to enjoy it in each other's company. The prospect of cooking turkey dinner feels daunting and just too much this year, so we were discussing alternatives. We can go to a restaurant, or we can go to the dinner held at the Alano club; that might be fun, I've never done that. I know I have always enjoyed 12-Step functions, seem to come home with a sore stomach from laughing, and the feeling of camraderie, connection, and love, is powerful and uplifting. When I go to these sorts of 12-Step gatherings, there is always a moment in which I can feel God in the room so strongly, it brings tears to my eyes.

Today, I'm going to do my yoga exercises, walk the dogs, and then pack. I've been talked into letting go of the humungous steel desk I've had for the last 10 years. My spouse has moved that sucker twice, and couldn't face moving it again: it weighs a ton, and is a pain to manhandle through doorways, being 6'x3' of rock-solid construction. I bought a folding table for temporary use.

I will be offline from Jan 1st to the 3rd, when the internet connection should be up and running again. From now until then, my posting may continue to be sporadic, but I'll try to get to it when I can.

Today, I'm feeling excited at the banquet of Al-Anon meetings the city offers; all those choices, all that recovery, all that wisdom! What a treat, and a blessing, and a delight that prospect is.

Changes, con't.

Yesterday we signed papers on the closing of this house. I'll be a little sad to leave it, as this has been a great house to live in, but I'm excited to be moving back to the city; I've missed it. I'm not someone who has ever liked living in small towns. I know many people do, but I'm a city girl at heart. The city we are moving to is not large, it's small by some standards, but it's big enough to offer the conveniences and opportunities not available in our present locale. It's a harbour city - beautiful, with many large parks and recreation areas, and lots of greenery even in the built-up areas.
I'm feeling calm about the move, and ready to go. I've wanted this ever since we first moved out of the city because of my partner's work - we went where we were sent, but I have always wished we didn't have to go . People who love small towns just can't understand why anyone would prefer the city - over and over I've heard, "But the traffic!"

I learned how to drive in city traffic in rush hour, my very first lesson. The instructor took me out right into the heat and noise and rush of it, and when I said in fear and trembling, "Can't I start on a quieter street?" replied firmly that this is what I was going to be exposed to, so I'd better get used to it, and learn how to deal with it. Because of him, city traffic has never intimidated me, whether I'm in small cities, or major centres with what a small-town friend describes as "sixteen lanes of traffic going in forty-five directions."

I've lived away from the city for about 14 years now, and always wanted to be back, and soon, I will be. I'm grateful for all the experiences I've had in the two small towns where we've lived, and for the people I've met there. But I am also deeply grateful to be going home.

Thinking Out Loud.

From the ODAT, page 349:

"...answers came not from books, but from mutual caring and thinking out loud with someone you felt comfortable with."

This has been one of the most helpful teachings of 12-Step -  learning to reason things out with someone else. When I'm inside my head, I have only myself, and old critical, parental voices as my guides, and they have both been proven to have faulty judgement, as both can be too obsessed with listing off my shortcomings, real and imagined, or berating me for mistakes past, present, and not made yet, to be of any help in making decisions.

Time and again I've found myself expounding to my sponsor or a program friend, and glanced up from my examination of my hands, (a habit I have when deep in thought)  to see them demonstrating the unmistakeable signs of being engaged in a heroic struggle to maintain their composure, and not laugh. Biting of lips, strange breathing, compulsive swallowing, all  indications of the same fight, and nowadays, just seeing those signs makes me start laughing.

At one time, I'd have felt offended, but now I'm well-enough acquainted with my own insane thinking, to grasp the plain truth that there are times when it's just plain funny that I can imbue trifles with such import, and then spend hours repeatedly picking them over, when I have the alternative choice of enjoying my life.

An AA friend jokes that he used to spend time with his sponsor doing the mental equivalent of bashing himself in the forehead with a length of 2x4, and then complaining to his sponsor of the resulting swelling, bruising, and pain. His sponsor would sit and watch this, saying at intervals, "You could always put the board down, you're the one holding it..."  and my friend would argue that no, no, his sponsor didn't understand, WHACK! he needed to do this in order to think, WHACK! and couldn't his sponsor find a way to help him make this less painful?

His sponsor would reply that he couldn't; when you verbally and emotionally abuse yourself, it's going to be painful, and that's just the way it goes, no way to make abuse feel good. There's the option of not being abusive, of course, why not try that one?

I get such a great mental image when my friend shares this, because I did that same thing for years before Al-Anon, bashing and smashing at myself with emotionally abusive thought patterns, and then wondering why I felt depressed and hopeless.

I felt depressed and hopeless because I was always telling myself what a stupid, useless, ugly, unlovable, waste of space I was - I had incorporated into my own thinking, the verbal abuse which began from an outside source in childhood. Before Al-Anon, I'd never questioned this.

Thinking out loud, I'll often hear myself say something, and immediately realise how demented it sounds. Unspoken, but continually revolving in my internal dialogue, it sounds quite plausible.

Reasoning things out with someone else is helpful, instructive, educating, and kind. That's another concept I found new and interesting - kindness to myself. I had to learn to refrain from saying mean things to myself: it doesn't help, it only creates further misery. Put down the mental 2x4, and talk to a trusted listener - someone who won't give advice, but who will point out the bits that jump out at them as barking mad possibly needing further investigation.

Moments Of Connection.

Until recently, when I resigned because we're moving out of town, I worked as a volunteer for the last 8 years in the same place. The nature of this work was such that it has changed me greatly in some ways.

I have completely lost any shyness about approaching strangers. I can walk up to anyone, anytime, anywhere, and open a conversation. I will often find myself out in public, moved to speak to someone near me, and they will take the opportunity to pour out their feelings into my willing ear. I don't know how they recognise me as a safe person with whom they can share this, but they do. I used to be surprised when this happened, but now I just accept that this is part of my life.

At the airport yesterday, I felt moved to speak to a woman washing her hands in the sink next to me. She shared with me a sad situation which was happening in her life, and we spent a few minutes talking. We said goodbye, and went our different ways. I went back to stand at the Arrivals gate, thinking of the way my Higher Power offers me the precious gift of the trust of strangers, the chance to engage and perhaps offer some small comfort, and how humbling this is. I feel that what is happening isn't about me at all - it's about God working through me. I'm touched on a deep personal level when this happens, and never lose the sense of wonder at the way two  strangers can connect on a strong emotional level, if both people are open, and willing to take the chance.

I learned that in 12-Step. I learned that through sharing, and listening to other people's sharings, at meetings.

I have gone from feeling like a misfit and an outcast, to this place in my life - that is the miracle, and the blessing, of Al-Anon.

I'll leave you today with a great picture - our friend is in the shower right now, singing at the top of his lungs, and sitting outside the bathroom door, singing along at the top of his lungs, is our little male dog.