I've heard it said that spiritual growth in 12-Step consists of three phases - the first phase is "Help me!" We come into Al-Anon self-absorbed and seeking relief from our pain. As the introduction read out at meetings states: "Living with alcoholism is too much for most of us..."
We've often reached a stage of helpless anger and frustration, with no idea of what we need, but knowing that we need help. We become willing to surrender to the understanding that we can't make the alcoholic stop drinking..
The second stage of spiritual growth in 12-Step is "Grant me..." we reach this stage when we have some idea of our character defects, how they make our lives more difficult and hinder our search for serenity. At this stage, we've given up the blaming, ratiionalising, justifying, and see ourselves without harshness or judgement, simply with clarity - "this is who I am." We ask to be granted relief from our character defects that we might find peace, yes, but also that we might be a better person - we begin to look outward as well as inward, to understand what it might be like for others to deal with us.
The third stage of spiritual growth in 12-Step is "Use me." We reach a place of quiet knowing that just as our Higher Power uses people in our life to teach and sustain us, so can we too be used. Before a meeting with a sponsee, I say a little prayer: "Please make me worthy of this person's trust."
I'm asking my HP to help me to set aside my own character defects so that the message can get through to them as they need it. I know that I have some useful techniques to offer, but the wisdom is 12-Step wisdom, not mine. I didn't originate these teachings, I received them from my sponsor and other people in program, and I'm grateful to have the chance to pass them on, but they don't make me wise. I'm not an expert in Al-Anon, I'm the same flawed human I ever have been, but I have heard some neat stuff, and if you have the time to listen, I'm excited to tell you about it.
Showing posts with label service. Show all posts
Showing posts with label service. Show all posts
Friday, June 15, 2012
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Recognising Our Own Patterns of Behavior.
Last night we had friends over for dinner, one of whom brings his beautiful springer spaniel. After dinner, we were sitting around the fire, and we watched as his dog picked up a stuffed rabbit, and headed off down the hall, in that mysteriously purposeful way dogs have, even indoors. We asked, "Where's he going?"
Our friend answered, from where he was sprawled in the depths of a chair, "He likes to snoop."
That got us talking about dog behavior, trying to figure out why our little female dog won't share any of her toys with our male dog, yet his dog can walk into our house and do whatever he pleases, even with her favourite toy, a small stuffed rabbit. If this rabbit gets mislaid, falls to the floor and gets kicked under the couch, she cannot rest until it's retrieved. She comes home from a walk, and runs to make sure it's still safely on the couch where she left it. Yet our friend's dog can walk up and pull it from right under her nose, and she will watch, unconcerned. It can be squeaking non-stop under his vigorous chewing, and she will fall happily asleep on my lap.
But just let our male dog try to wander over and have a little sniff of this rabbit, and she'll leap to correct him with a loud snap! barely missing his nose. Our friend joked that he has enough trouble trying to figure himself out, he's given up trying to figure out the dog.
Later on last night, I was thinking about trying to figure ourselves out, and how intensely difficult that can be, when we have no guidance, or understanding; how pride will always manage to convince us that we don't need to do any changing, because hey, we're fine as we are, right? It's someone else's fault that we aren't happy.
Today, I was reading in the Al-Anon ODAT, page 296:
"The search for self-understanding is a difficult if not impossible, thing to achieve fully. But we can learn a lot about ourselves if we have the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions. We can, if we don't allow uneasy guilt feelings to obscure our good qualities, which we must recognise and build upon."
"...the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions." Time and again, what I hear from sponsees, when they get to this point in the process, is: "It's so hard!" And I reply, "Yes, it is hard. It's excruciatingly painful, like peeling a few layers of skin off without anaesthetic. But if you keep going, if you are willing to do this, on the other side, it's freedom, it's a blessing, it's a gift."
I had to be willing to say to that prideful self, that angry fearful self - "Enough. I've had enough of you being in control here - I want something different." I thought that humility was humiliation, and that it was kind of nutty to be always wanting to be more humble. But the more I work this program, the more willing I am to be wrong, to be mistaken, to accept that I have screwed up one more time, and I've been "deceiving myself with evasions" - when I see that again, and am willing to accept it, make an amend, and work to free myself of that pride, that lack of humility, my daily life, each chance I am offered to become more loving, and to share that love with others, it's impossible to describe the feeling - we have to take it on trust, when we're new, because we can't picture it at all.
I started out in Al-Anon, believing that I hated people - truly, I feared them, and my pride was propping up that shaky fearful self in an attempt to project something that other people would respect. I don't fear people the way I once did. I want to be loving, to give love and compassion, give whatever comfort and support I can, to be a conduit of God's love. That is truly the best way I can imagine living, and it's so far removed from what I once would have considered success ... not even on the same planet. The joy I have received from this, I can't even describe to you. Joy, peace, and humility - that's my serenity, and I have received it all through this wonderful program for living.
Our friend answered, from where he was sprawled in the depths of a chair, "He likes to snoop."
That got us talking about dog behavior, trying to figure out why our little female dog won't share any of her toys with our male dog, yet his dog can walk into our house and do whatever he pleases, even with her favourite toy, a small stuffed rabbit. If this rabbit gets mislaid, falls to the floor and gets kicked under the couch, she cannot rest until it's retrieved. She comes home from a walk, and runs to make sure it's still safely on the couch where she left it. Yet our friend's dog can walk up and pull it from right under her nose, and she will watch, unconcerned. It can be squeaking non-stop under his vigorous chewing, and she will fall happily asleep on my lap.
But just let our male dog try to wander over and have a little sniff of this rabbit, and she'll leap to correct him with a loud snap! barely missing his nose. Our friend joked that he has enough trouble trying to figure himself out, he's given up trying to figure out the dog.
Later on last night, I was thinking about trying to figure ourselves out, and how intensely difficult that can be, when we have no guidance, or understanding; how pride will always manage to convince us that we don't need to do any changing, because hey, we're fine as we are, right? It's someone else's fault that we aren't happy.
Today, I was reading in the Al-Anon ODAT, page 296:
"The search for self-understanding is a difficult if not impossible, thing to achieve fully. But we can learn a lot about ourselves if we have the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions. We can, if we don't allow uneasy guilt feelings to obscure our good qualities, which we must recognise and build upon."
"...the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions." Time and again, what I hear from sponsees, when they get to this point in the process, is: "It's so hard!" And I reply, "Yes, it is hard. It's excruciatingly painful, like peeling a few layers of skin off without anaesthetic. But if you keep going, if you are willing to do this, on the other side, it's freedom, it's a blessing, it's a gift."
I had to be willing to say to that prideful self, that angry fearful self - "Enough. I've had enough of you being in control here - I want something different." I thought that humility was humiliation, and that it was kind of nutty to be always wanting to be more humble. But the more I work this program, the more willing I am to be wrong, to be mistaken, to accept that I have screwed up one more time, and I've been "deceiving myself with evasions" - when I see that again, and am willing to accept it, make an amend, and work to free myself of that pride, that lack of humility, my daily life, each chance I am offered to become more loving, and to share that love with others, it's impossible to describe the feeling - we have to take it on trust, when we're new, because we can't picture it at all.
I started out in Al-Anon, believing that I hated people - truly, I feared them, and my pride was propping up that shaky fearful self in an attempt to project something that other people would respect. I don't fear people the way I once did. I want to be loving, to give love and compassion, give whatever comfort and support I can, to be a conduit of God's love. That is truly the best way I can imagine living, and it's so far removed from what I once would have considered success ... not even on the same planet. The joy I have received from this, I can't even describe to you. Joy, peace, and humility - that's my serenity, and I have received it all through this wonderful program for living.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Controlling - Or Not.
"Go to meetings, and work the Steps." A friend recounted a conversation in which he was offering variations on that sentence repeatedly, and not being heard. He asked what should he do then? I replied, "Stop issuing directives."
I was thinking about that this morning, and as always seems to be the way, found that very topic being addressed in a blog post by Syd today. (For newcomers: seems like whatever is on your mind as a matter of some urgency, or whatever you've been thinking about a lot that week, will be the topic of a meeting you attend, or a daily reading - it happens often enough to feel eerie at first, but then you will get used to it, laugh, and realise you can feel your Higher Power working in this synchronicity.)
When we know what to do, and choose not to do it, that is our business. It's not up to anyone else to show us the error of our ways, or us to them. When we detach in love, we can feel for the struggle, and not get caught up in trying to fix.
When I detach, I can keep respect for the person, even when I'm impatient with the behavior. It's not my job to tell anyone how to run their life, and when I get too involved, and begin to feel annoyed because this person isn't taking the advice I'm offering, I am no longer offering "experience strength and hope," I am interfering.
I've learned to step far enough back to be out of the maelstrom, while being close enough to be a comfort, merely for my willingness to give some of my time, to sit with someone while they fight their own fight. I know there is no perfect sentence to enlighten, so I don't worry about saying the right thing. I pray to be a conduit for their Higher Power to use to get across whatever message is required, and I let the rest go.
If I feel impatience rising in my chest, I stop to consider if perhaps what's happening is that I've had enough for now, and I need to get off the phone, or make my exit. I used to think that I had to sit with someone for as long as they wanted me to, until I heard a long-time member say that she gave what she could, and then she explained that her tank was empty, and she needed to go fill up now, and did they have their phone list handy?
I cringed - that sounded so cold and hard. But I've learned that this will be transmitted either in words, or non-verbally, this message of having had "enough for now" and that I'm being more loving to acknowledge and state the fact. We all know how that feels, and can relate.
For me, direct is best. I give what I can, and then I say that I need to go now, and they can call me again soon, if they like. It's not up to me to "save" anyone, and I couldn't if I tried. I don't know the best choice for them, I can't say what they need,
all I have to offer is a little of my time, and the wisdom of this wonderful program.
I was thinking about that this morning, and as always seems to be the way, found that very topic being addressed in a blog post by Syd today. (For newcomers: seems like whatever is on your mind as a matter of some urgency, or whatever you've been thinking about a lot that week, will be the topic of a meeting you attend, or a daily reading - it happens often enough to feel eerie at first, but then you will get used to it, laugh, and realise you can feel your Higher Power working in this synchronicity.)
When we know what to do, and choose not to do it, that is our business. It's not up to anyone else to show us the error of our ways, or us to them. When we detach in love, we can feel for the struggle, and not get caught up in trying to fix.
When I detach, I can keep respect for the person, even when I'm impatient with the behavior. It's not my job to tell anyone how to run their life, and when I get too involved, and begin to feel annoyed because this person isn't taking the advice I'm offering, I am no longer offering "experience strength and hope," I am interfering.
I've learned to step far enough back to be out of the maelstrom, while being close enough to be a comfort, merely for my willingness to give some of my time, to sit with someone while they fight their own fight. I know there is no perfect sentence to enlighten, so I don't worry about saying the right thing. I pray to be a conduit for their Higher Power to use to get across whatever message is required, and I let the rest go.
If I feel impatience rising in my chest, I stop to consider if perhaps what's happening is that I've had enough for now, and I need to get off the phone, or make my exit. I used to think that I had to sit with someone for as long as they wanted me to, until I heard a long-time member say that she gave what she could, and then she explained that her tank was empty, and she needed to go fill up now, and did they have their phone list handy?
I cringed - that sounded so cold and hard. But I've learned that this will be transmitted either in words, or non-verbally, this message of having had "enough for now" and that I'm being more loving to acknowledge and state the fact. We all know how that feels, and can relate.
For me, direct is best. I give what I can, and then I say that I need to go now, and they can call me again soon, if they like. It's not up to me to "save" anyone, and I couldn't if I tried. I don't know the best choice for them, I can't say what they need,
all I have to offer is a little of my time, and the wisdom of this wonderful program.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Now, Where Was I Before The Phone Rang?
I had such a productive evening planned for myself tonight - I've got a light black wool fabric laid out on my cutting table, with the pattern pieces resting on it, and had planned to get my new winter coat cut out this evening. I'm so well prepared I've even got the buttons - not usual for me - buttons are often the last thing I consider when making a garment. I had it all planned, but it didn't happen. A sponsee called, and we went off into that wonderful place: a connection is made between us, we speak with honesty, and no fear of being judged.
When I finally hung up, the phone had reached the point of beeping every 30 seconds to warn of impending failure of the battery ( it's amazing what one can ignore, when the conversation is really engaging) and I felt bone-tired, but satisfied. Doing service work with other Al-Anon members makes me feel useful, in a way that nothing else does, or ever has.
No amount of money earned, or possessions gained, has ever given me the same feeling that I receive, when I share my experience, strength and hope, with others caught in the same desperate straits in which I once floundered. I try to give back to others, what was so freely, and lovingly, given to me.
I get emotional, when I think of the way so many people have kept this incredible program working throughout the years. All that generosity of spirit - it's amazing, truly.
When I finally hung up, the phone had reached the point of beeping every 30 seconds to warn of impending failure of the battery ( it's amazing what one can ignore, when the conversation is really engaging) and I felt bone-tired, but satisfied. Doing service work with other Al-Anon members makes me feel useful, in a way that nothing else does, or ever has.
No amount of money earned, or possessions gained, has ever given me the same feeling that I receive, when I share my experience, strength and hope, with others caught in the same desperate straits in which I once floundered. I try to give back to others, what was so freely, and lovingly, given to me.
I get emotional, when I think of the way so many people have kept this incredible program working throughout the years. All that generosity of spirit - it's amazing, truly.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Old Habits And Their Peculiar Habit Of Rising Again.
My default mode is to assume the worst - of situations, of people, of machinery, of my Higher Power. It has taken much hard work to achieve a state of mind somewhat opposed to this, but let me be in HALT, or stressed out, and I will click over into that mode without realising.
There, I take everything personally - I could give the mentally ill a run for their money, with my paranoia regarding what this or that "means." I can spend countless hours engaged in imaginary arguments, and attribute the worst of all possible motives to the most innocent of people. My thinking should be accompanied by spooky music, of the type one hears in old movies, when a dramatic plot twist is on the way.
That's why I'm grateful for the phone lists in Al-Anon, and the members who will take the time out of their day, to have a mini-meeting with those of us who are in need at the time. I never ever say no to a call of this kind - I remember all the times when I was dialing, in desperation, frustration, anger and pain, and within a short time, I'd be back on track, feeling calmed and safe.
I called someone today, and we probably only spoke for not quite ten minutes, but she said the one thing that was essential for me to hear: emphasised that taking it personally is a choice I needn't make. Before the call, I felt unsettled and irritated. After the call, I felt reminded.
MrSponsorPants wrote today about ego. If my ego had been given the reins, I wouldn't have felt able to make that call. And when I stop to consider, a lot of what brings on the state of mind required to take the alcoholic's words and deeds personally, is ego strutting and stomping about.
It's not about me, it just is. It isn't raining to piss me off, it's just raining. The alcoholic isn't behaving in this fashion in order to drive me insane, they are just being themselves, in the grip of their illness.
There, I take everything personally - I could give the mentally ill a run for their money, with my paranoia regarding what this or that "means." I can spend countless hours engaged in imaginary arguments, and attribute the worst of all possible motives to the most innocent of people. My thinking should be accompanied by spooky music, of the type one hears in old movies, when a dramatic plot twist is on the way.
That's why I'm grateful for the phone lists in Al-Anon, and the members who will take the time out of their day, to have a mini-meeting with those of us who are in need at the time. I never ever say no to a call of this kind - I remember all the times when I was dialing, in desperation, frustration, anger and pain, and within a short time, I'd be back on track, feeling calmed and safe.
I called someone today, and we probably only spoke for not quite ten minutes, but she said the one thing that was essential for me to hear: emphasised that taking it personally is a choice I needn't make. Before the call, I felt unsettled and irritated. After the call, I felt reminded.
MrSponsorPants wrote today about ego. If my ego had been given the reins, I wouldn't have felt able to make that call. And when I stop to consider, a lot of what brings on the state of mind required to take the alcoholic's words and deeds personally, is ego strutting and stomping about.
It's not about me, it just is. It isn't raining to piss me off, it's just raining. The alcoholic isn't behaving in this fashion in order to drive me insane, they are just being themselves, in the grip of their illness.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Sponsorship.
This week I was approached to ask if I'd "take phone calls" by an Al-Anon member. I happily agreed. This is a vital aspect of my recovery - service to others. Because I'm new to this city, I don't yet have any sponsees here, and I've missed the time spent listening and learning. I enjoy offering, with no obligation, what has worked so well for me. The more I give it away, the more solidly it lives within me.
I know that for me to feel truly happy and satisfied in my life, I need to feel useful. Fufilling my own needs is all very well and good, but if there is no service in my life, I begin to feel rather hollow and adrift. In my search for meaning after I stopped working, and through working the program, this became apparent: I have a strong desire to help, and I need to satisfy that desire, in order to feel balanced.
It's that desire to help which drove so much of my co-dependent behavior and thinking, so I know what happens when I don't find a healthy outlet for it - chaos, confusion, and attempts to control.
Isn't this what so much of Al-Anon is about? Finding healthy ways to satisfy those innate traits of our character, which, if ignored or dismissed, will run amok?
From Hope for Today, page 101:
"The God of my understanding wants me for my availability as well as for my abilities."
When I was first approached to sponsor someone, many years ago, I was terrified that I wouldn't do it "correctly." That fear led me to reflect and respond with far less assertion than I might otherwise have done, and that made me much more approachable, less judgemental, and a softer, warmer sponsor. I found my way by letting the sponsee find hers, and we learned and grew together. I'm not a directive sponsor - I'd never tell someone what action to take, or what choices to make. I am, however, the Al-Anon equivalent of what an AA friend calls "a Big-Book pounder." I talk program. I offer my insights for whatever they are worth, and let the sponsee assign whatever importance or value they may or may not have for their own lives.
I may tell them "Emotion is a drunk driver, don't let it get behind the wheel of your life," or "Stopping to think is never a bad thing if acting on impulse is your usual behavior" or any of the other phrases which were offered to me, and have been so useful, but I never tell someone what to do in their daily life. I see very clearly that this is not my place, and I don't want the responsibility, if it all goes to hell in a handbasket.
As a sponsor, I know I have been maddening in my refusal to tell sponsees what they "should do" - I had a sponsee once who, after working with me for a while, flatly told me that I was useless to her, because I wouldn't give her "life directions." I agreed that no, I certainly wouldn't, and hoped she could find someone more helpful to her.
When it comes to specific problems, I ask open-ended questions, and my sponsees find the answers in their own replies. We often already know what to do, we just need to hear ourselves say it aloud.
Sponsorship keeps me grounded, and keeps me humble - with my ego always in the wings, looking for an opportunity to strut onto the stage and take over, that is a very good thing.
I know that for me to feel truly happy and satisfied in my life, I need to feel useful. Fufilling my own needs is all very well and good, but if there is no service in my life, I begin to feel rather hollow and adrift. In my search for meaning after I stopped working, and through working the program, this became apparent: I have a strong desire to help, and I need to satisfy that desire, in order to feel balanced.
It's that desire to help which drove so much of my co-dependent behavior and thinking, so I know what happens when I don't find a healthy outlet for it - chaos, confusion, and attempts to control.
Isn't this what so much of Al-Anon is about? Finding healthy ways to satisfy those innate traits of our character, which, if ignored or dismissed, will run amok?
From Hope for Today, page 101:
"The God of my understanding wants me for my availability as well as for my abilities."
When I was first approached to sponsor someone, many years ago, I was terrified that I wouldn't do it "correctly." That fear led me to reflect and respond with far less assertion than I might otherwise have done, and that made me much more approachable, less judgemental, and a softer, warmer sponsor. I found my way by letting the sponsee find hers, and we learned and grew together. I'm not a directive sponsor - I'd never tell someone what action to take, or what choices to make. I am, however, the Al-Anon equivalent of what an AA friend calls "a Big-Book pounder." I talk program. I offer my insights for whatever they are worth, and let the sponsee assign whatever importance or value they may or may not have for their own lives.
I may tell them "Emotion is a drunk driver, don't let it get behind the wheel of your life," or "Stopping to think is never a bad thing if acting on impulse is your usual behavior" or any of the other phrases which were offered to me, and have been so useful, but I never tell someone what to do in their daily life. I see very clearly that this is not my place, and I don't want the responsibility, if it all goes to hell in a handbasket.
As a sponsor, I know I have been maddening in my refusal to tell sponsees what they "should do" - I had a sponsee once who, after working with me for a while, flatly told me that I was useless to her, because I wouldn't give her "life directions." I agreed that no, I certainly wouldn't, and hoped she could find someone more helpful to her.
When it comes to specific problems, I ask open-ended questions, and my sponsees find the answers in their own replies. We often already know what to do, we just need to hear ourselves say it aloud.
Sponsorship keeps me grounded, and keeps me humble - with my ego always in the wings, looking for an opportunity to strut onto the stage and take over, that is a very good thing.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Blogging Mysteries.
Seems like whenever I begin to wonder if I should continue with this blog, someone will write and thank me for a particular post...I guess that's my Higher Power answering my question.
From the ODAT, page 93:
"As I become less self-centered, I will have stronger defenses against being hurt by slights and injustices. Minor crises will not loom large because I will not allow myself to magnify them out of all proportion to their importance."
My dictionary defines self-centered as:
"concerned solely or chiefly with one's own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self; selfish; egotistical."
Less self-centered...well, I'm not sure I have achieved that, in truth. Perhaps I've just slowly worked my way into a state of self-absorption which is more acceptable to others, in that I'm far less likely to insist on maintaining a stance of rigid immovability, when it's pointed out to me that another person's interests and welfare are overlapping mine.
I'm still concerned chiefly with my own interests, though - when one doesn't have kids, that is an easier state to achieve and perpetuate. I mostly do whatever pleases me, but I am more willing to share myself in helpful ways, and to undertake those tasks in a spirit of loving helpfulness, rather than one of insincerity, or quiet fuming.
I was asked today if I'd help with a project, and I readily agreed - not from any particular interest in the project itself, but because I have the time and the skill, I'm fond of the person asking, and it's a way for me to give back what has been so generously given to me.
I see these things from a different viewpoint, after my time in program. Having the ability to say "No" makes saying "Yes" a choice, rather than an expectation I feel I must fufill. I still stumble on this now and then, but I've learned that I have the right to either change my mind, and say so, or take it as another learning experience with which to bolster my self-respect. No need to demonize anyone for my own craven inability to respond with honesty, which is precisely how I used to deal with that scenario - (How dare they take advantage of me in this manner? Don't they know how busy/tired/exhausted I am? Nobody cares what I feel...)
My own desire to be liked stood squarely in the way of my being able to decide what I wanted. I could only discover my feelings in the matter after I'd given my answer. Before I'd replied, all I could focus upon was the other person's desire to have me respond affirmatively.
It was as though I were standing in front of a mirror, unable to see my reflection - able only to see the other person's reflection.
I believe this is one of the reasons why people-pleasing is so destructive; if I cannot see myself with any clarity, the likelihood of my being able to change any of my behaviors is slight. I become like a leaf in a stream, twisting and swirling in the pull and push of the water.
When my time is consumed in service to others, any time left for me feels snatched, skimpy, and full of resentment. In Al-Anon, I have learned that time spent with myself matters, and I am the one who decides when it is necessary.
That's why some days I don't blog.
From the ODAT, page 93:
"As I become less self-centered, I will have stronger defenses against being hurt by slights and injustices. Minor crises will not loom large because I will not allow myself to magnify them out of all proportion to their importance."
My dictionary defines self-centered as:
"concerned solely or chiefly with one's own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self; selfish; egotistical."
Less self-centered...well, I'm not sure I have achieved that, in truth. Perhaps I've just slowly worked my way into a state of self-absorption which is more acceptable to others, in that I'm far less likely to insist on maintaining a stance of rigid immovability, when it's pointed out to me that another person's interests and welfare are overlapping mine.
I'm still concerned chiefly with my own interests, though - when one doesn't have kids, that is an easier state to achieve and perpetuate. I mostly do whatever pleases me, but I am more willing to share myself in helpful ways, and to undertake those tasks in a spirit of loving helpfulness, rather than one of insincerity, or quiet fuming.
I was asked today if I'd help with a project, and I readily agreed - not from any particular interest in the project itself, but because I have the time and the skill, I'm fond of the person asking, and it's a way for me to give back what has been so generously given to me.
I see these things from a different viewpoint, after my time in program. Having the ability to say "No" makes saying "Yes" a choice, rather than an expectation I feel I must fufill. I still stumble on this now and then, but I've learned that I have the right to either change my mind, and say so, or take it as another learning experience with which to bolster my self-respect. No need to demonize anyone for my own craven inability to respond with honesty, which is precisely how I used to deal with that scenario - (How dare they take advantage of me in this manner? Don't they know how busy/tired/exhausted I am? Nobody cares what I feel...)
My own desire to be liked stood squarely in the way of my being able to decide what I wanted. I could only discover my feelings in the matter after I'd given my answer. Before I'd replied, all I could focus upon was the other person's desire to have me respond affirmatively.
It was as though I were standing in front of a mirror, unable to see my reflection - able only to see the other person's reflection.
I believe this is one of the reasons why people-pleasing is so destructive; if I cannot see myself with any clarity, the likelihood of my being able to change any of my behaviors is slight. I become like a leaf in a stream, twisting and swirling in the pull and push of the water.
When my time is consumed in service to others, any time left for me feels snatched, skimpy, and full of resentment. In Al-Anon, I have learned that time spent with myself matters, and I am the one who decides when it is necessary.
That's why some days I don't blog.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Service
I've had what feels like another major leap forward in my recovery a few days ago, and at first, it left me feeling that what I was doing with this blog was just another form of talking too much, so I had decided to shut it down and delete it.
Today, while out in my garden, I was thinking about this, and asking for guidance, because apart from a momentary relief immediately after I made the first decision, I wasn't feeling like I'd made the right choice. On the contrary, it was niggling away at me, feeling almost like a service obligation I'd taken on, and was now trying to weasel out of.
I decided to go with "When in doubt, don't!" for the time being, and re-evaluate this periodically. I know that I have some recovery blogs which are very meaningful for me to read, and I keep them on my Favourites List, and read them every morning for my 12-Step input to start my day. Perhaps in time I will serve that same function for someone else. That needs to be enough.
I'm trying to be more aware of the messages I get from my Higher Power; they don't always arrive with great fanfare - often, they are spoken in a "still, small voice."
Hope you all had the glorious weather we did this weekend - at one point I went out to find both dogs belly-up under the mock orange bush, snoring a duet.
Today, while out in my garden, I was thinking about this, and asking for guidance, because apart from a momentary relief immediately after I made the first decision, I wasn't feeling like I'd made the right choice. On the contrary, it was niggling away at me, feeling almost like a service obligation I'd taken on, and was now trying to weasel out of.
I decided to go with "When in doubt, don't!" for the time being, and re-evaluate this periodically. I know that I have some recovery blogs which are very meaningful for me to read, and I keep them on my Favourites List, and read them every morning for my 12-Step input to start my day. Perhaps in time I will serve that same function for someone else. That needs to be enough.
I'm trying to be more aware of the messages I get from my Higher Power; they don't always arrive with great fanfare - often, they are spoken in a "still, small voice."
Hope you all had the glorious weather we did this weekend - at one point I went out to find both dogs belly-up under the mock orange bush, snoring a duet.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Tradition Nine.
"Our groups, as such, ought never be organised, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve."
It seems to be human nature to want to organise. We love to categorise and label; it gives many of us great satisfaction to have everything all tidily put away into neat little areas.
Al-Anon doesn't work that way. Somehow, in spite of the fact that there are no rules for attendance or conduct, no regulations by which we must abide, we manage to achieve the goal of recovery for each of us, without getting entangled in hierarchy or rank. No-one can be told what to do, or what not to do. We ask that the members respect each other, but we cannot force this. We don't expel those who don't show up at a meeting for six months.
It has always fascinated me the way meetings can be a beautifully balanced organism, but they can also always expand to enfold a new member.
We aren't responsible to our service boards or our committees, they are responsible to us. This is precisely opposite to how the rest of the world works, but the amazing result, is the miracle that is Twelve Step.
It seems to be human nature to want to organise. We love to categorise and label; it gives many of us great satisfaction to have everything all tidily put away into neat little areas.
Al-Anon doesn't work that way. Somehow, in spite of the fact that there are no rules for attendance or conduct, no regulations by which we must abide, we manage to achieve the goal of recovery for each of us, without getting entangled in hierarchy or rank. No-one can be told what to do, or what not to do. We ask that the members respect each other, but we cannot force this. We don't expel those who don't show up at a meeting for six months.
It has always fascinated me the way meetings can be a beautifully balanced organism, but they can also always expand to enfold a new member.
We aren't responsible to our service boards or our committees, they are responsible to us. This is precisely opposite to how the rest of the world works, but the amazing result, is the miracle that is Twelve Step.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tradition Eight.
"Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centres may employ special workers."
This Tradition embodies one of the most powerful precepts of 12-Step - that we are all equals. Inside the meeting rooms, all the ordinary means by which we categorise ourselves and others are set aside, so that we may flourish in a positive and accepting atmosphere.
If we were ever to allow Twelve Step work to be done by professionals, it would very quickly lose the immediacy and strength it has when done from love of ourselves and our fellow human beings.
This Tradition embodies one of the most powerful precepts of 12-Step - that we are all equals. Inside the meeting rooms, all the ordinary means by which we categorise ourselves and others are set aside, so that we may flourish in a positive and accepting atmosphere.
If we were ever to allow Twelve Step work to be done by professionals, it would very quickly lose the immediacy and strength it has when done from love of ourselves and our fellow human beings.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Tradition Seven.
"Every group ought to be full self-supporting, declining outside contributions."
I help to make my group self-supporting not only with my financial contributions, but with my service before a meeting, helping to set up, and afterwards, putting literature away, and tidying up. I make my group self-supporting when I welcome newcomers.
One of the main ways I make my group self-supporting, a way I hadn't thought of with regard to this Tradition, until a visiting Al-Anon member spoke about it, is - showing up faithfully for meetings. Unless I am ill or out of town, I am at that meeting. Nothing else comes first. I go when I am tired, out-of-sorts, grouchy, self-pitying, resentful, and I go when I am glowing with delight for life, gleeful, and full of serenity. I go for my own recovery, and I go for the recovery of anyone else who attends.
We never know when God is going to use us a conduit, to say the very thing to light the way for another struggling member. I cannot count the number of times over the years, that I've had people come up to me and talk about how when I said this-and-such, it really helped them. Invariably, I have no memory of having said it - I was just sharing whatever was on my mind, when it came around to my turn.
It works the same way in reverse - often, when I talk to another Al-Anon member about the one comment they made which really resonated for me, they will look blank, and then start to laugh, saying well, they're glad it helped, but they don't recall saying it.
My own belief on this score, is that we don't recall it because it's not coming from us - it's coming from our Higher Power using us, to get a message across to someone who needs it.
That can't happen if we're not at the meeting.
I help to make my group self-supporting not only with my financial contributions, but with my service before a meeting, helping to set up, and afterwards, putting literature away, and tidying up. I make my group self-supporting when I welcome newcomers.
One of the main ways I make my group self-supporting, a way I hadn't thought of with regard to this Tradition, until a visiting Al-Anon member spoke about it, is - showing up faithfully for meetings. Unless I am ill or out of town, I am at that meeting. Nothing else comes first. I go when I am tired, out-of-sorts, grouchy, self-pitying, resentful, and I go when I am glowing with delight for life, gleeful, and full of serenity. I go for my own recovery, and I go for the recovery of anyone else who attends.
We never know when God is going to use us a conduit, to say the very thing to light the way for another struggling member. I cannot count the number of times over the years, that I've had people come up to me and talk about how when I said this-and-such, it really helped them. Invariably, I have no memory of having said it - I was just sharing whatever was on my mind, when it came around to my turn.
It works the same way in reverse - often, when I talk to another Al-Anon member about the one comment they made which really resonated for me, they will look blank, and then start to laugh, saying well, they're glad it helped, but they don't recall saying it.
My own belief on this score, is that we don't recall it because it's not coming from us - it's coming from our Higher Power using us, to get a message across to someone who needs it.
That can't happen if we're not at the meeting.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Tradition Two.
"For our group purpose there is but one authority - a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern."
This Tradition is another solid reminder about working together as a group, and a fellowship. God is our only authority, because He's the only one able to do the job without having it go to His head. Many of us in 12-Step have as a common character defect, the desire to control - so this Tradition makes very clear that trying to control inside the group or the fellowship, is counter-productive to our healing.
If I'm not comfortable with the direction in which a group is headed, I can ask for a group conscience, and speak up about it. But I'm not an "expert" because I've been in program for many years - I have no more and no less value to the group than the newcomer beside me, who may be at his or her first meeting.
I've had the experience, more than once, of listening to a newcomer, and having what they've said be the catalyst for a huge leap forward in my growth and understanding - that's the miracle of Al-Anon.
Nobody is the "boss" of a group - and the usual ways in which people divide themselves do not apply inside a meeting - wealth and privilege don't get us any closer to God - prayer and meditation do. A healthy group will resist attempts to control through group consciences. I've seen the odd attempt to manage or direct fall flat, through the rest of the group lovingly recognising and hearing the person, while gently ignoring the behavior, until the message comes across.
I use this Tradition in my family life - reminding myself that I am not the governing body of my household, either - just a "trusted servant."
This Tradition is another solid reminder about working together as a group, and a fellowship. God is our only authority, because He's the only one able to do the job without having it go to His head. Many of us in 12-Step have as a common character defect, the desire to control - so this Tradition makes very clear that trying to control inside the group or the fellowship, is counter-productive to our healing.
If I'm not comfortable with the direction in which a group is headed, I can ask for a group conscience, and speak up about it. But I'm not an "expert" because I've been in program for many years - I have no more and no less value to the group than the newcomer beside me, who may be at his or her first meeting.
I've had the experience, more than once, of listening to a newcomer, and having what they've said be the catalyst for a huge leap forward in my growth and understanding - that's the miracle of Al-Anon.
Nobody is the "boss" of a group - and the usual ways in which people divide themselves do not apply inside a meeting - wealth and privilege don't get us any closer to God - prayer and meditation do. A healthy group will resist attempts to control through group consciences. I've seen the odd attempt to manage or direct fall flat, through the rest of the group lovingly recognising and hearing the person, while gently ignoring the behavior, until the message comes across.
I use this Tradition in my family life - reminding myself that I am not the governing body of my household, either - just a "trusted servant."
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Step Twelve
"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practise these principles in all our affairs."
We all have our own ways to carry the message. Some of us bring newcomers to meetings, so they can be exposed to our wonderful program. Some of us are great at post-meeting parking lot encounters. Some are good at desperation phone calls. That last one is my forte. My phone line is always open to those who are wrestling their demons, and need a warm, welcoming, calming voice at the other end of the line. I will talk to my sponsees, or anyone in program, for as long as they need to, to get themselves back on an even keel.
I know full well how it feels to be on the calling end of that encounter, and how hugely grateful I would be to the Al-Anon member that slowly helped me work my way around to feeling that maybe life wasn't so bad after all, and I could handle whatever the crisis was, if I took it in small manageable sections rather than facing it as a whole, and how some could, once they'd calmed me down, get me into a laughing fit over the very thing I'd felt completely unable to deal with, when I'd dialed their number. I'd put the phone back onto the receiver and feel....better.
That's the word I listen for, when I get one of these calls. At times, it comes after 15 minutes, other times, it might take an hour and a half. It's almost always accompanied by a gusty sigh, and with that, I know I've done my bit, they've got a good chunk of program wisdom to carry with them into the rest of their day, and we can say goodbye.
I once had an Al-Anon member make a snide comment about the fact that I don't bring newcomers to meetings, and how was I working my program if I didn't do that? I went home, called my sponsor, and asked her directly if she felt I was lacking in this area.
Wise woman that she was, she briskly disposed of that, saying God uses each of us as He sees fit, and we are not expected to go out and proslytise for 12-Step - it's attraction rather than promotion, and if we don't run into those in need in our daily lives, nowhere is it suggested that we go hunt them down and drag them in, like trophies to our program.
I felt better after I talked to her.
The second half of Step Twelve, "practise these principles in all our affairs." explains that the wisdom we learn in our meetings can be expanded to our lives at large, to help make the world a better place. Not because of any glory we will get from it; (and there have been instances when I have had to wrestle a part of myself to the floor, put a gag over her mouth, and sit firmly upon her, in order to be able to practise these principles in a part of my life) we do it because it's the right thing to do.
We all have our own ways to carry the message. Some of us bring newcomers to meetings, so they can be exposed to our wonderful program. Some of us are great at post-meeting parking lot encounters. Some are good at desperation phone calls. That last one is my forte. My phone line is always open to those who are wrestling their demons, and need a warm, welcoming, calming voice at the other end of the line. I will talk to my sponsees, or anyone in program, for as long as they need to, to get themselves back on an even keel.
I know full well how it feels to be on the calling end of that encounter, and how hugely grateful I would be to the Al-Anon member that slowly helped me work my way around to feeling that maybe life wasn't so bad after all, and I could handle whatever the crisis was, if I took it in small manageable sections rather than facing it as a whole, and how some could, once they'd calmed me down, get me into a laughing fit over the very thing I'd felt completely unable to deal with, when I'd dialed their number. I'd put the phone back onto the receiver and feel....better.
That's the word I listen for, when I get one of these calls. At times, it comes after 15 minutes, other times, it might take an hour and a half. It's almost always accompanied by a gusty sigh, and with that, I know I've done my bit, they've got a good chunk of program wisdom to carry with them into the rest of their day, and we can say goodbye.
I once had an Al-Anon member make a snide comment about the fact that I don't bring newcomers to meetings, and how was I working my program if I didn't do that? I went home, called my sponsor, and asked her directly if she felt I was lacking in this area.
Wise woman that she was, she briskly disposed of that, saying God uses each of us as He sees fit, and we are not expected to go out and proslytise for 12-Step - it's attraction rather than promotion, and if we don't run into those in need in our daily lives, nowhere is it suggested that we go hunt them down and drag them in, like trophies to our program.
I felt better after I talked to her.
The second half of Step Twelve, "practise these principles in all our affairs." explains that the wisdom we learn in our meetings can be expanded to our lives at large, to help make the world a better place. Not because of any glory we will get from it; (and there have been instances when I have had to wrestle a part of myself to the floor, put a gag over her mouth, and sit firmly upon her, in order to be able to practise these principles in a part of my life) we do it because it's the right thing to do.
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