Other People's Feelings

I grew up believing that it was my job to make other people happy, however that could be managed, and I tried to do so, even if it meant that the outer me was smiling and pleasant while the true, inner me seethed with resentment, judged, blamed, and felt I was being used.

I've slowly, sometimes at a snail's pace, been able to let go of most of my people-pleasing. A newcomer approached me after a recent meeting, to ask if I'd sponsor her. It wasn't until afterwards that I realised that I'd stopped to consider carefully if I felt physically or emotionally up to the job. I don't want to do her a disservice by not being able to offer her the time she may need, but I also don't want to take on, that which is beyond my capabilities because of my health challenges.

I will be seeing the oncologist tomorrow to find out whether or not they are going to offer me another 12 rounds of chemo. If they offer, I will accept. I've been supremely fortunate in not having had much in the way of side effects, and if it can extend my life, I'd like that. I still have many yards of fabric, with plans for the garments I can make, with all those lovely materials, and patterns.

I also have lots of paintings I'd like to do.

Last week, Robert was talking to a friend who lives with alcoholism, and is miserable, but whom, after having been taken to his first meeting by Robert, didn't choose to continue with Al-Anon. I feel for him, but was astonished to hear that he had dismissed a remark made by Robert about how good it feels to accomplish goals, even the smaller kind, with a contemptuous: "People don't set goals!"

I thought that was sad. I know I get enormous pleasure from achieving my goals, whether they may be to: create a painting: make myself a coat, or other garment:  clean my apartment until it sparkles and gleams. There are many times, and many areas in which I set a goal for myself.

Before Al-Anon, my goals were mostly to change another person in some way - show them the error of their ways, perhaps, or make them feel better.

I believe that we cannot change the feelings of another person. I also believe that we don't have to be slaves to either our own feelings, or the feelings of someone else, even if that someone is a loved one.

We can detach, allow them to have their feelings without blaming, for as long as they need to work it out. While we are waiting for them to come back to a even keel, we can be doing what gives us pleasure and satisfaction.

It used to be for me, that if  a loved one was angry, I was distressed until I could "make" them happy again. I felt it was my fault if they were upset, that I needed to "fix" it, that somehow it was my problem.  I can recall my shock the first time my first sponsor said to me, "It's not your problem, stay out of it."

Stay out of it? But I had so many great ideas about how to fix it!

That makes me laugh now, the arrogance inherent in that thinking, but I was oblivious to it at the time. I merely thought I wanted to be helpful; I was unaware of my controlling.

I'm learning that everyone has the right to their own feelings, and that it is neither my responsibility nor a chore I wish to take on, to make anyone but myself happy

My main goal in life is achieving serenity.

Letting Go Of Other People's Choices.

This past summer, Robert and I had a fantastic garden on the rooftop terrace - many residents of the building spoke about how much they enjoyed it.

In the last 3 weeks, someone has started stealing the plants, we've lost 6 very nice perennials, and who knows how many  more will go - it's easy pickings, we can't be out there 24 hours a day guarding the plants.  Last night, instead of taking both pot and plant, someone just dug up the plant, took it, and left the pot.

The first day I realised that plants were missing, I was shocked, but managed to let it go fairly quickly. The second time, about two weeks later, I was furious, frustrated, resentful, and all sorts of other unpleasant feelings. As I was walking down the hall to my apartment a short time later, I asked my Higher Power, "Please help me with this."

That has evolved to be pretty much the only prayer I use anymore, my HP doesn't need details, and going over them just brings up sad feelings for the realisation that some folks are thieves, and given an opportunity, they will steal. This is beyond my control. I can't change anyone but myself: if this person chooses to be a thief, I cannot stop them.

That's an unfortunate fact of life. What's my choice in this kind of situation?

I can either seethe and fume, thinking about it time and again, bringing my feelings to a boil and keeping them there, for hours, days, or weeks at a time, or I can ask my HP for help, and choose to let it go. Having cancer concentrates one's mind wonderfully in this kind of situation - I don't know how much time I have left on this earth, and I don't want to spend it in anger, resentment and revengeful feelings.

I choose serenity, and if I have trouble letting go on my own, I ask for help, and always, always receive it. After the second operation, I wasn't asking for help, I was in such shock from the terminal diagnosis.

As it turned out, I'm not terminal, I'm one stage before that, and people have lived with it for years at this stage. Robert's sister was terminal when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, but with the help of chemo, had three good years with her family before nothing more could be done. So, I'm hopeful, as she was further along the path than I.

The surgeon made a second pronouncement about what I would and would not be capable of, and that too has proven incorrect, but we believed him, he's at the top of his field in this area, so it took me a couple of weeks to realise that I was shutting my HP out. It wasn't from anger or resentment, but a result of overwhelming pain and sorrow. I was obsessing, mourning and grieving, and I was trying to do it on my own.

I'd look at my beloved Robert and see the agony in his face, see how he had lost his usual peaceful, witty, relaxed attitude, realise that he too was grieving terribly, and it mirrored my own state of mind.

 We suffered from May 9th until June 6th, our first meeting with the oncologist I liked. The first one we met was not a good fit for either of us, so I'd asked to be assigned another doctor, and they got me into see her within a week. We both liked her immediately, and she was the one who said firmly that I am not terminal, it's not in any of my major organs, just my lymph nodes, and she couldn't understand why the surgeon would say I was terminal when he did the operation and stated in his report to Cancer Care that I had no metastases to any major organs.

I've talked to quite a few nurses and doctors since then, and it's fascinating to be told that surgical mentality is like no other, it's tunnel vision, they all seem to have enormous egos, and need them, in order to be able to do what they do.

As my GP said to me, in his inimitable British way: "If you had a small mole on your arm which was annoying you, I could give you a shot of local anaesthetic, and nip it off, but to take a scalpel and begin carving you up? I realised very quickly in medical school that I just don't have the temperament or the ego to be able to do that."

I've let go of my anger with the surgeon for scaring us, but I am going to send a letter asking him to consider referring people to specialists, rather than make pronouncements after a surgery, when the patient is first awake, which are taken to heart by the patient, but may be a mistake, as both  mine were.

I've ranged far afield from the start of this post, but it's all about lack of control, and the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
 the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Complaining.

I've gone through an interesting process when it comes to listening to complaints from other people, regarding the variety of happenings, third persons, arrangements, or decisions, which they think should be other than they are at the present moment.

When I was new to Al-Anon, I would listen intently and often agree, because I was full of my own righteous indignation. How dare other people, drivers on my morning commute, politicians, family members, (anyone really) behave in a way I disliked? The nerve!

I was out on the rooftop patio this morning admiring my plants, then sitting facing the sun and talking to my Higher Power, expressing my gratitude for this lovely day, and opening my eyes, saw something which one of the residents is doing, which is driving some of other residents to "grow a resentment." I had this pointed out to me last week, by one of the annoyed people, and I fear that my response was not what she might have wished it to be. Instead of leaping to agree and condemn, I said, "Ahh." She waited for a moment, then looked at me with an expression of astonishment upon her face - I had to fight to not laugh, because it was so clear that she had been expecting something considerably more impassioned than a quiet "Ahh."

She reinforced her point with a statement something like: "It's outrageous! Something should be done about this immediately!" My response was silence, a polite smile, and a nod registering that she had spoken. She gave up on me and saying goodbye rather curtly, walked back into the building. I wandered over to my plants, and stood contemplating them in quiet appreciation. I derive nourishment for my soul from their leaping vigor and grace. Soon, they will bloom, and I will be rapt, as I am each year when this happens - I hope I never lose my ability to be thrilled by a blossom.

Years ago a friend of my ex was visiting, and they were standing outside chatting while I weeded my front flower garden. All at once I noticed that a plant I'd been waiting anxiously to bloom had opened its first flower, a delicate lacy pale blue confection, frilled and pleated and breathtakingly beautiful. I exclaimed with delight, loudly enough to be overheard. My ex told me later that his friend had wondered how, with so many flowers in the garden, I could get so excited by one more.

Al-Anon has made this attitude possible. The cultivation of an "attitude of gratitude," when practised over a period of many years, changes one's entire view of the world. From a place in which one is being exposed to the worst of human nature, and all the evils to which man falls prey, are visited upon us daily via news reports and newspapers exclaiming that the world is going to the dogs, and to hell in a handbasket, and we are all doomed and are going to have to change everything, only it's too late and we won't be able to do it because things have gone too far wrong, and it's all hopeless, from that terrible negative outlook, we move to a simple gratitude. I couldn't understand what was meant by simple gratitude. Why did the word "gratitude" always have to be prefaced by "simple?"

I now understand that for me, simplicity is a spiritual practise.  I can complicate, I can confuse, I can drive myself to distraction imagining all sorts of hideous outcomes if I allow fear to overwhelm me. When I can detach from fear, from other people, from my own ego, and align myself, open myself to my Higher Power, I make it possible for the connection to occur.

I take a step away from the complications of life, and towards the blessing of simplicity. As with so much of life - my choice.

Blooming Cherry Trees, and Detachment.

From my front window I can see the deep pink Japanese ornamental cherry trees are coming into bloom. Another week or so, and they will be in full glory. I love this time of year - spring is on the way, and it lightens my heart, to see all the new growth starting.

I was listening to a speaker today, who said that one of the most difficult lessons in Al-Anon, is to fully accept responsibility for our own emotions. How many times have you heard someone say "He (she) made me so angry!"  There will often then follow an explanation of the way the other person  caused their anger.

When I was new to Al-Anon, I didn't realise how easily I could be manipulated. I didn't undetstand that as long as I viewed it as the other person "making me,"  I was stuck reacting to their behavior. I couldn't detach. They acted, I reacted, and thus began a chain of anger, frustration, hurt feelings, and obsession.

I've been asked to explain what goes through my head when I'm detaching. First, I observe, without editorial comment. If someone appears to be getting angry, I observe that, without deciding whether or not they have the right to their anger. This means I have let go of all of those "How dare she behave this way!"  or "He always/never..."  or any other of those self-righteous or critical comments with which I have responded, before I learned how to detach.

In order for me to believe that I have a right to my own feelings, I need to also believe that you have the right to yours. And I do believe this.

The actions we take while in the grip of those feelings, are usually a good indicator of whether or not we've grasped the concept of detachment. When I began to get better at detachment, I learned to observe my own feelings, without allowing them to sweep me away like a leaf being taken for a wild ride in a high wind.

I might think, "I don't like the way this person is speaking to me." Before Al-Anon, their anger would be met and matched by mine. Now, I can have that feeling, and respond with detachment by saying what I feel  - "I don't like it when you try to manipulate me into giving me what you want, by ignoring me or sulking when I refuse you."

I can decide if I want to continue the conversation, and if I do, under what conditions. This might be a matter of asking the other person not to make sniping or insulting comments because they are annoyed with me.  I might decide that their level of anger or determination is one that I'm not willing to deal with at this time, and I may bow out of the encounter by saying calmly that I'm not going to discuss it with them. I have choices all the way along, and I have control over my emotions. As the Promises in our book "From Survival to Recovery" state:

"We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them."

Detachment has allowed me to have mastery of my emotions, instead of being a slave to them. It's a much calmer life. I have compassion for other people, when they are slaves to their own emotions and acting badly. I don't judge them for it, because I recall all too well what it was like to be in that place, but I also don't take responsibility for anyone else's anger today - I don't make anyone angry, just as nobody makes me angry.  Anger often comes from the stories we tell ourselves about how the other person should be acting. Expectations create resentment. Resentment creates anger. Anger is a terrible master; I was a furiously angry person for the first 40 years of my life.

I'm full of gratitude for Al-Anon, because nowadays when I tell people that, they have a tendency to look at me, and start to laugh, saying, "I can't picture it." I have a hard time recalling that myself. That's the blessing of working the program.

Maintaining The Ground We've Gained.

Yesterday the phone rang, and I answered it, unthinkingly, and for a moment, didn't recognise the voice of the man calling, until he asked, "How are you?" - it was my husband. I was in shock as he chatted on, until finally I managed to ask, "Why did you call?'

He said pleasantly that he was calling to invite me to Christmas dinner. I could feel myself start to tremble,  that's how it started between us all those years ago, with his invitation to Christmas dinner. I've had to work to detach from my emotional response - some part of me wanting to go back to that time that the more rational self knows is lost to me forever - when I trusted him implicitly, and was so in love with him.

When I believed him. It's a miserable thing, to find out that you cannot trust the one person who should be the one into whose trust you can relax, against the pressures of the world. I made some excuise about needing time to think, and got off the phone, calling at once my counsellor and then my
sponsor, getting badlty needed reinforcements and support.

My husband has been so skilled at making life my fault that I can fall into that minset unthinkingly. I was deeply grateful for those two women, who took their time to help me maintain  the ground I've gained, and not fall back. It would be so easy to just give up and fall back - until reality set in.

I pray to find compassion for the alcoholic's confusions, and my own, not to be deciding that they must fall upon my shoulders.

Other People's Opinions, Ch 3.

In life, seems like there will always be someone who will  not hesitate to tell me how they believe me to be wrong/mistaken/misguided/blind and/or foolish in my ideas, practises, beliefs, habits. I once was just this sort of person, who felt free to offer my opinions to all who would stand still long enough to listen. I justified unkindness as "just my opinion." 

Al-Anon has taught me to use the acronym THINK:

Is it Timely? Is this something that shouldn't be brought up in the present situation, ie, in front of a group of people, but dealt with at a later date, when the two of us are alone together?

Is it Honest? Self-explanatory - am I being truthful?

Is it Intolerant? Am I being judgemental?

Is it Necessary? Can I use this opportunity to practise letting go?

Is it Kind? What is my motive for saying what I'm about to say? Will it hurt someone? Then don't say it.

I can't control how another person behaves, but I don't have to substitute their judgement for my own. If I know that I'm doing a good job, that's enough. I don't have to take it personally when someone is critical of me, because I know from my own experience of being that same critical person, that it arose from deep insecurities. 

I've learned to use some noncommittal phrases:

"Oh, yeah."  (said not in a challenging tone, but with a sort of mild disinterest.)

"Isn't that something!"

"You could be right."  This last is hugely powerful in its ability to disarm someone who is riled up about whatever it is. It validates their opinion or attitude without agreeing to it, or submitting to it.

There's a critic in any crowd. I pray for serenity in the face of criticism, and the ability to learn from the constructive variety.

When Life Isn't Going My Way.

I have never been a patient person. I've had to learn how to practise patience with the continual process of letting go. Then letting go again the next time that thought arises. And the next time. And again. Some days, I just can't find a way to let go which will allow me to step away from that train of thought, so I ask my Higher Power to take it; I can't get distance from it on my own.

I have to let go of wanting to "control the details." When I want to control the uncontrollable, I will be filled with frustration.

Patience requires that I trust I will be looked after, guided, fufilled. When I truly trust, amazing things happen - I've seen them manifested in my own life.

Today, I'm going to work to let go with a light heart, and an open mind.

Carrying The Message.

I love it when I meet with a sponsee, and one of the topics which arises, is the idea that we have a choice as to how we respond to the events in our lives.  Without fail, this will be met with the same polite disbelief I used to show my first sponsor when she'd say that to me. I remember how simply impossible that sounded.

I'd been swept and spun and roiled and shaken by my emotions for all my life, and the idea that I could chose not to be miserable seemed highly unlikely. But what I have discovered, to my delight, is that this is nothing more than the truth. And with that truth, comes total freedom.

I read a blog the other day, in which the author stated that happy people don't "ring true" for him. For most of my life, I'd have agreed with that statement whole-heartedly. Why? Because I wasn't happy, so I didn't believe it was achieveable.

This is why carrying the message to others is so important, why we who have been in program for years and have attained a state of serenity unimaginable to us when we started, need to keep going to meetings and working with sponsees. I'm not always coasting through my life feeling joyful, gleeful and delighted, but the time I spend in those powerfully happy states of mind is increasing all the time as I work my program, and it will for you too, if you truly make the effort to work yours. Lip service won't get you far, neither will working the program once a week for an hour, inside your home group meeting. You need to extend your efforts to daily life.

I recall when the phrase, "You've nothing to lose but your misery" sounded to me like empty-headed Pollyanna piffle - now that I know it's the simple truth, I need to keep on carrying that message to those who are in that same state of miserable desperation. I do it to pass on what was so freely given to me. All those hours of patient listening, and patient reiteration, and patient loving which I received, I like to pass that forward.

Personal Etiquette, or Character Defect?

Before Al-Anon, I had an attitude common to many people - that my personal rules of etiquette were the "correct" ones. So if you did things differently, I'd respond in various judgemental ways, but the end result was that you were wrong, I was right, and why wouldn't you change to fit yourself to my rules?

We all have various things we consider "rude." It's rude to read at the dinner table. It's rude to eat in the livingroom. It's rude to say "I don't feel much like talking right now, but I'm happy to listen." It's rude to wear shorts to church, not to remove your hat indoors, to walk in front of me, to cut in front of me when driving, to 'steal' my parking spot, to fold towels differently than the way I showed you way back when we first got together... 

The list is endless, and varies wildly from one person to another. If a friend, partner, or family member does something which contravenes our personal rules of etiquette, we have several ways in which we can respond. We can say, "I wish you wouldn't wear your hat inside the house," and then engage in a power struggle, trying to force them to remove it; they'll most likely be equally as determined to keep it on. We can harp and yarp along those lines each time they enter the house and don't remove their hat, and by doing so, create a major issue between us.

We can look at this "rule" and ask ourselves, "Where did this originate? Is this a rule I learned in childhood, or did I make this one up by myself? What is this about? Why do I care? How Important Is It?"

We can decide that we are going to let it go, stop taking it personally, stop allowing ourselves to extrapolate from that hat, all sorts of stories inside our own heads about what that means with regard to their respect for us and our living space, wishes, wants, blah blah blah.

When I decide to make a big deal out of the fact that another person's rules of etiquette differ widely from my own, I am creating a problem where none exists. Now, understand I'm not speaking here about someone stomping all over personal boundaries set to keep myself safe and comfortable - I'm talking about the wider range of etiquette rules such as "Towels must be folded in thirds lengthwise, then in half." "Cups go into the cupboard with the bottoms up." "Never put into the sink, anything which can be fitted into the dishwasher."  "Never put anything into the dishwasher without rinsing it first." "This is how you fold a fitted sheet. It's rude not to make conversation first thing in the morning. People should sit at the kitchen table to drink their first coffee, not at the computer, or the tv. You should never interrupt when someone else is speaking."

Some of us, (and I include myself in this group) have a tendency to rigidity in our personalities. If not carefully paid attention to, this character defect can cause problems for us, by insisting that everyting be done "our way." Why? Well, because that's the right way, of course.

When I learned that I could let go of all of this, and nothing major would happen, the house didn't disintegrate into a slum, the dishes still got clean regardless of how they were loaded into the dishwasher, (and if they didn't, that didn't matter either, they could be rewashed) that I was "taking offense" where none was ever intended, and I was doing it around these rules of etiquette, that was enormously freeing.

I'll share something which I suddenly realised about 10 years into practising this wonderful program of ours: I've never yet worked to let go of something, only to wish I had it back. Never. Those rules and regulations of mine kept me a prisoner in my frustration. When I let it go, and it's gone, and I can look at whatever is happening with no need to take offense or get all worked up, I feel delighted.

Reader Questions

"How do you set boundaries with an alcoholic? Do you continue to let them live in your home? I just found your blog through Syd's so I really don't know your living situation. Many people say throw the alcoholic out, let them suffer the consequences of their drinking. What is your take on this?"

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Some members of Al-Anon are able to live with a partner, child or other family member who is still drinking, and in spite of that, create a satisfying life for themselves - I'm not one of them.  I lived with active alcoholism for the ten years my first marriage lasted, and it was utter chaos. When I married my second husband, he'd been sober for 8 years, so I considered him "cured." I'd been in Al-Anon for a while by then, but was still relatively ignorant about the disease of alcoholism, and didn't understand that sobriety and recovery were not synonymous. I had some heavy denial operating around this, and have written about that here and here.

I do know that in both my first marriage, and this one, it's a painful truth that as long as I would tolerate unacceptable behavior, that's just what I got. Without consequences, there was no change.

It wasn't until I set clear boundaries, and became willing to deal with the results of setting and maintaining them, that behavior improved slightly.  It wasn't until I began to consistenly challenge  insults and blaming, and to say, "Please don't speak to me in that tone of voice" that they'd back down, apologise, and be more polite. 

It's a truism that we teach people how to treat us. Some folks will not respect us, unless we demand respect, and ensure that there will be consequences when they trespass against our boundaries. This consequence may be a refusal to do favours, it may be a calm and polite challenge of their treatment of us - whatever works for us. Perhaps it's a detachment and removal of our emotional connections.

I'm a strong proponent of the "don't give advice" school - I can't know the best course of action for you - only you can.

I can listen, I can help you reason things out, I can sponsor and support you, but I don't give advice. Best of luck, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

"Talk To The Hand..."

One useful lesson I've learned in Al-Anon, is to stop flogging a dead horse. If twenty zillion times of saying the same thing hasn't had the desired effect, why would I imagine that the twenty-zillion-and-first time would?

I can say what I need to say to reset a boundary, or, if asked, impart information, but I can stop to question my motives, and if I'm trying to control, then I need to let it go, put it down, close my mouth, walk away, just give it up.

I had one of those moments of illumination last night, and in the past, I'd have tried to share that with the alcoholic. Forcibly, if necessary, with a raised voice and angry tone. But I've learned the very valuable lesson that if the stove is hot, don't put my hand down on the burner just to check and make absolutely sure that it's as hot as it looks. If every other time I've tried to express my feelings about the way I'm treated, I've been met with disdain and dismissal, why would I think this time will be different? If the burner is red, the stove is hot. Keep my hands in my pockets.

Why Reason Things Out With Someone Else?

Undermine: "to attack by indirect, secret, or underhand means; attempt to subvert by stealth."


I had a conversation with someone last week which took me a few days to decipher. I knew what I felt afterwards, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly why that was. It wasn't until I spoke to a close friend in the program, and shared some of the content of the conversation, that I was given understanding. My friend was quickly able to recognise the behavior, and its result, because she's had long experience with just that thing - subtle undermining.

She used the word, and everything clicked into place and made sense. I "got it."

I cannot stress strongly enough, how helpful it can be to "reason things out with someone else." It's not always necessary to do this with someone in Al-Anon; it can be done with anyone with whom we feel safe, and in whom, we have complete trust.

We are each locked inside our own heads with our perceptions and our habits of thinking - this can keep us confused and frustrated. We need an objective viewpoint, sometimes many different objective viewpoints. When I was new to program, I used to feel that I was only allowed to ask one person to do this reasoning out with me, and it's not a good idea to be shopping around trying to get a specific answer. But experiences and strengths vary; the first person with whom we talk, may not be able to help us identify or recognise the patterns in an encounter.

I'm trying to pay more attention to how I feel after I spend time with someone. Do I feel vaguely unsettled, and suddenly full of self-doubt, when I went into the conversation feeling positive and happy? If so, something happened in that encounter, and I need to figure it out, so that I can make a good choice for myself about whether or not I want to have this person in my life.

It's a fact of life that some people aren't good for me. I don't have to explain or justify, condemn or demonise that person, in order to feel that I have a good reason to avoid them. I don't need a good reason. If every time I see them, I come away from that encounter feeling unsettled, confused, and less serene, those feelings are reason enough. Self-care includes picking my friends wisely. Life is too short to spend any of it with those who would undermine my confidence.

An old friend in program spoke movingly about the way that her father used to tell her that his criticism was "well-meant" and "for her own good," and that she couldn't "surround herself with only those people who would be cheering her on."

This woman said that her real recovery began the day that she realised she could do that very thing - pick friends who would be her cheerleaders, delighted in her successes, and supportive of her failures. That was the day that she understood fully and completely that she deserved to be surrounded by cheerleaders.

I, too, have been snared by that "for your own good" trap of negativity. I prefer cheerleaders.

Standing Guard At The Door Of My Mind.

From One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, page 226:

"Why do I allow myself to suffer? Is there any meaning or validity to the items I am permitting myself to suffer from? What if "he said this" - or "she did that." Even if it was meant to hurt, it cannot reach the real me, if I stand guard at the door of my mind."

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The first few hundred times I read that paragraph, I felt distinctly annoyed with the writer - how was I supposed to not be hurt, when deliberately hurtful things were said and done by the alcoholics in my life?

And just how was I to "stand guard at the door to my mind" anyway? What did that mean? Following swiftly upon my annoyance would be a feeling of despairing frustration; I was never going to "get" this program!

Until the first time the alcoholic said something designed to wound, and my internal dialogue, rather than feed the fire with exclamations of "How dare he! The nerve! That (rude word) has been drinking all day, and I've been working, and I come home in a good mood and he ruins it by..." offered up the first line of the Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me serenity."

That's how I stand guard at the door of my mind. By changing my thinking - asking my Higher Power for help, so that my first response is not anger, frustration or despair, but a deep breath, a reminder to myself that this is a sick individual, and a refusal to accept whatever unkindness is being offered to me.

I don't have to take it on. I may not always be standing guard effectively, and some things may get past me, and cause me hurt. Learning this new behavior, can feel like trying to use one leg to block a determined cat from getting outdoors, while still opening the door far enough, to be able to have a conversation with the person standing on the step.

That's where another reminder to ourselves comes into play; let go of expecting perfection.  Good enough is good enough. We'll try again next time. We may not in this lifetime attain such a blissful state of serenity, as to never be affected by the unkindness of those who profess to love us. That's okay. We do what we can, with the knowledge and skills we have at the time.

Surrender Anger, for Serenity.

I cannot achieve serenity, if I am engaged in the taking of someone else's inventory, and chewing over the myriad ways in which I've decided they are coming up short. The moment I begin to turn my gaze, from my own character defects to those of another, I have lost my focus, and I am about to lose my serenity.

I want peace.

How do I find my way to that glorious place? By following the road map drawn for me, by those who have worked out some of the best ways to get there. By relinquishing my desire to control, and accepting my powerlessness. By attending  meetings, reasoning things out with someone else in program, and seeking my Higher Power as I understand him/her/it.

By choosing the long-term goal of serenity and peace over the short-term satisfaction of anger and judgement.

Someone asked me, "Why do I keep choosing anger, then - I hate that feeling!"

We do what we learn. I have had to unlearn the lessons of how to deal with anger, which I'd internalised as a child, and relearn a different way.

We do what works for us - in everything, there is a payoff. It may be a payoff of being able to take what a friend in program calls "the moral high ground." Perhaps our anger at this person allows us to feel that we are right and they are wrong. We may feel self-righteous. We may feel superior. We may feel an awful pain, and wish for comfort, but have no way as of yet, to ask for that, so instead, we express it as anger.

I can feel angry when my boundaries are violated, my feelings are dismissed or negated, when unkindness is repetitive, when I am being treated with disrespect.

My anger may be a perfectly reasonable response, but I cannot change other people. I have to detach from what they are doing, and step far enough back, to be out of range of whatever slop is flying. When I am detached, I see what's happening, but it doesn't get to me the same way. I'm out of range, when I'm detached. I seek peace where I've found it before - in my Higher Power, in the love of my program friends, in the deepest core of my own self.

Dog Chronicles

We were told to take the pressure bandage off our dog's leg after 5 days, so yesterday, I removed it. He'd been very good about not trying to chew his bandage, and I didn't anticipate problems. A short while later, I went out to get a haircut. I returned to find my husband in a state of distress - he'd arrived home moments before, to see the dog with an open wound on his leg - he'd chewed the stitches out. Back to the vet for staples to close it up again, another bandage, and this time, a cone on his neck, held on by bandage wrapped around and under his legs, belly, etc. The cone which is small enough to stay on his head, allows that long dachshund neck and nose to stick out, and the next size up slides right off his head. Hence the mummy bandages. We're still waiting for the lab results on the tumour.

Life in this marriage has been rough for me, lately. Years of choked down, swallowed anger coming to the surface and overflowing onto me. I'm trying to remain detached, attend meetings, talk to my Higher Power, and let it go. I have no control over how he chooses to behave, but I do have the power to set boundaries, and maintain them. Where that leads, only my HP knows. I've reached a place of acceptance -  knowing that there's nothing I can say or do to change it; it's out of my hands. I'm not lonely, because I know my HP is always with me, and my program friends are just a phone call or email away. I know they care for me, and will treat me with the respect and loving kindness I'm not getting at home. I've got my little dogs to embrace and delight in, to bounce with joy when I arrive back home after a short time out, and to snuggle with on the couch - one hand holding a book, the other stroking a soft warm dog on my lap. For now, that's enough.

When Your Guppie Turns Out To Be A Shark.

Living with an alcoholic new to recovery can, at times, prove to be a difficult and even painful experience. I'm deeply grateful that I don't have to live with active drinking, but the "isms" can be truly crazymaking.

I've just had one of those conversations in which the alcoholic was blaming their choices and behavior on me, insisting that if I wasn't such a horrible person, they wouldn't be forced into behaving that way...when asked calmly why they were so angry, completely denied the anger which had them practically vibrating with rage, and finished up by declaring with apparent great satisfaction that they'd been lying to me for almost two months about something major. Then a dramatic exit, and I sat quietly trying to regain the good mood I'd had, just a scant half-hour before.

Today's outburst was one of several temper tantrums lately. I think this is happening because of a close friendship in which the other person (also very new to recovery) has cut them off, in anger at some choices made. It's ironic to see the level of anger felt at being treated in precisely the same way they treat me - ignored, shunned, dismissed. They've had a hair trigger lately, and have been difficult to be around, so I've been trying to stay out of the way.

I get moments now and then in which I glimpse the person with some recovery, but in the middle of these ranting, blaming fits, it's as if they'd never stepped foot inside a 12-Step meeting.

I'm trying to gain whatever wisdom I can from life lately, without letting their anger eat me up, the way it's devouring them.

Tonight, I laid a boundary down, and said, "No more, please, if you keep this up, I will ___."

That's when I was informed of the lying. I felt as if it was said in such a way as to try to cause maximum pain, and then leave me to suffer. They haven't been in AA long enough to realise that I can tell when they are lying - it's no mystery. So the dramatic declaration is no news to me, but I do confess I'm feeling tired of it all right now. I'm tired of the alcoholic and their coping mechanisms, tired of the anger being taken out on me, tired of all of it. Tonight, I wish I were single again. I'm feeling like I want out. I'm trying to allow myself to have my feelings, and let them pass, without giving them too much weight. I know I'm already a little vulnerable because of my little dog being ill.

I'm going to eat, and take the dogs for a nice long walk; it's a lovely evening. I'm going to pray for guidance, comfort, wisdom, tolerance and patience. I need all of those tonight.

"Even When I'm Wrong, I'm Right."

My ex used to say that, and I'd grind my teeth in frustration - in his worldview, he was always in the right, and that was just the way it was, period.

Life offers lessons; we accept or refuse them. When we are involved in a determination to be "right," we lose sight of the lesson we could be learning. When we are justifying our feelings or actions, we aren't listening to what our Higher Power may be trying to teach us.

It's always been a source of amazement to me, the way we human beings can take an obvious blunder, and through the use of some very tortured reasoning, flip it over into a deliberate choice motivated only by purest of feelings.  And then argue this with the most impassioned speeches. All in the service of being "right."

When I admitted my powerlessness, and to the reality that my life was unmanageable, I gave up trying to be right. Right didn't matter so much any more - what mattered was that I was sunk in a gloom-filled mindset, with emotions roiling and resentment festering, and I was desperate to find a better way to live.

Being right is about ego, and the facade we display to the world. When I can let that go, and admit to my having been in error, or thoroughly mistaken, I achieve a freedom I was unaware was possible, in this lifetime.

I used to spend a lot of time being righteously indignant about the way other people behaved, or the things they said; that was my bashed-about ego trying to assert itself. I didn't know any other way to feel satisfied than to be "right" and someone else "wrong."

In this wonderful program, I have found that I can let all of that go. I can admit that I am powerless over anyone but myself, and for that, I'm grateful. I can step back from my erroneous assumptions of obligation and responsibility, detach, and turn my efforts towards what I can change.

All that time I invested in proving that I was "right," did not afford me one molecule of self respect, or ability to love myself. When I work towards improving myself, I know that I'm doing what I'm meant to do, and it satisfies me.

I've heard powerlessness criticised as "giving up" and for me, it was just that, but it was a giving up of that in which I shouldn't have been involved to begin with - trying to control the drinker and the drinking. Not my business.

I'm reminded of a program friend who laughingly recited an incident in which she'd declared dramatically to her alcoholic, "I wash my hands of you!" and looking upwards, he'd declared with equal drama, "Thankyou, God!"

I pray for the continued ability to admit my powerlessness, and for relaxed acceptance of that truth.

Provocation - An Opportunity To Work My Program

Some days, the only thing that works, is to fall silent, stay that way, and recite the Serenity Prayer to myself, until such time as I can escape from the company of a person trying to pick a fight with me.

I don't have to know why they are feeling argumentative or trying to provoke me; that's not my business, or my problem. My part of it, is to behave in a way that I can respect, and remember, without cringing or regretting. For me, that usually means to keep my mouth firmly closed.

It's a disease, and it has a myriad of effects upon a person. I don't need to spend time trying to decipher the meaning of their words or their behavior; I don't have to defend, protest, argue.

I can ask for guidance and Let It Go.

We're having some gloriously sunny warm weather, and that makes me happy. I get up each morning and go out to examine my garden to see how it's progressing.

"Earth laughs in flowers."


                      Ralph Waldo Emerson

Power Struggles & The Three "C's".

"I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it."

I like that little reminder. Encapsulated in that one sentence, is the wisdom of detachment, letting go, and focusing upon my own life.

A newcomer to program once asked me: "Are there three different "it's" being referred to, or just one?" I wasn't sure, as I was relatively new to program myself, so I called my sponsor over, and asked her. She replied that it may have originally been meant to refer to the disease of alcholism, but like so much of this wonderful program, could be expanded to encompass anything over which we had no control, but still obsessed.

The new member thought for a moment, then said sadly, "I don't know what I'm going to think about if I'm not thinking about him, my life seems to have been narrowed down to nothing but the alcoholism."

This is an important part of my recovery - recognising that if I am to change my thinking patterns and avoid focusing upon the alcoholic, I need to find other ways to occupy my time. I need to find something else to do.

I need to pay attention to my own thinking, so that I may recognise what I call "the opening bars" of that same old song of obsessing, and decide that I'm not in the mood for that misery music, I want to listen to something new and cheerful and uplifting instead. This may require that I read some Al-Anon literature, or call a program friend. I may need to ask my Higher Power for help to stop my obsessive thinking, or perhaps if I catch it soon enough, I can change the station myself by finding what I love to do, and doing it.

There will be days when the only way I am to avoid getting involved in a power struggle with the alcoholic, is by remembering the 3 "C's."  Since I didn't cause whatever it is, I needn't accept proffered blame. Since I can't control it, there's no point in having another fruitless argument. Since I can't cure it, I can turn my mind away from thinking about it, and towards life's more enjoyable pursuits.

When life is offering me choices, I pray to remember the 3 "C's" and choose recovery.

Shutting Down - Emotional Unavailability.

When we've allowed unhealthy patterns to develop in a long-term relationship, trying to limit previously-accepted behaviors by setting a new boundary, can feel like trying to saw a 2"x4" with a carrot. We may find ourselves on the receiving end of temper tantrums, verbal and emotional abuse, or icy silences and rejection.

Emotional rejection can be a powerful tool of manipulation, because we all need to feel recognised, valued, worthy ... loved. If someone punishes us with rejecting behavior whenever we say something they don't want to hear, it can be confusing and distressing trying to set and maintain a boundary.

Being rejected when we speak up, may stir up feelings of hopelessness about the relationship. What's the point of trying to be honest with someone who can't, or won't, listen or hear? Why try to speak our truth, if we are only going to be rejected and ignored for it? For some of us, it may feel so intensely frustrating to be thwarted in this way, that we will begin to act out, in an effort to provoke a response, any response, from the other person. This doesn't work, because we only feel embarassed and ashamed of our own behavior once we calm down. I've done that many times in the past, and felt awful afterwards. I don't want to be that kind of person, who responds to unkindness with my own anger.

If we allow our boundaries to be trampled because we're afraid that setting them, reaffirming them, maintaining them, will result in punishing silences, we are teaching the other person how to manipulate us. If anger and rejection from our partner/family member/friend the first time we speak up or set a boundary, causes us to let them trample the boundary the next time they walk up to it, we have shown them we don't have the self-respect to say "Back up, please, you're standing on my toe."

I don't need to allow another person's silences or rejection of me, to alter how I feel about myself. I am the same person before and after their unacceptable behavior - I haven't changed. I don't deserve it, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. That's between them and their conscience.

We don't deserve to be treated unkindly, but we cannot force anyone else to change.


If the rejection is causing me hurt, I can seek comfort and solace in my Higher Power. I have never asked for help, and not received it. I need to be willing to let go of the other person's choices and behaviors, not sit obsessing about our interaction, trying to imagine a different outcome. It was what it was, and it is what it is.