Be Where Your Hands Are.

I first heard that phrase when I was a newcomer, and it hit me with the force of a blow. What an astonishing feeling that was, to realise that the fellow member of Al-Anon had just given me a way to anchor myself in the present. Where are my hands? In the evening of January 9, 2015. I have the choice as to whether my mind is in the same time period,  rather than wandering the dusty hallways of the past, or racing wildly along the path to my future.

My adopted grandmother had several sayings she repeated endlessly, and one was:

"Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."
I take that to mean that each day contains enough to keep me occupied, so I need not be trying to peer around the edges of today, trying to imagine all the possibilities of my future.

Living with cancer is a hard teacher of that philosophy. Find a new lump, and one's mind can jump to various horrors and losses - when I'd just found the latest lump, before seeing the doctor, I said to Robert, "I can't face another operation!" He put loving arms around me, held me close, and said softly, "Don't fear the worst. It may never come to that."

I've just returned from seeing the doctor at Cancer Care again, the ultrasound report is in, and it appears that I have an abscess, and cellulitis,  (the skin and the tissues beneath it are infected.) This may sound somewhat gruesome, but compared to cancer, it's manageable and tolerable. I remember the oncology nurses warning us months ago, that I'd be susceptible to infections that a normal immune system can shake off.  It's a small price to pay for continued life.

Staying in the present moment means that I do not allow myself to imagine what might happen "if" this or that were to occur.

I don't go excavating in the past for hidden meaning anymore, or to feel self-pity about my childhood. It was what it was, and there were bad times and good; I choose to focus upon the positive, rather than reliving the pain, terror, and loneliness. I wallowed in my past for many years before Al-Anon, polishing my resentments, feeling furious anger about the abuse I'd gone through, wishing with all of my heart that my childhood had been "normal" and that I had a family in which I was loved. I didn't, I wasn't, and now that I'm 57, so what?

I cannot change the past no matter how hard I try. It's done and gone, and I've made my peace with it. Today is all that I am given - I have only this day in which to live, and if I spend my inner life in the past or the future, I am not really living, I'm existing.

I'm learning that having cancer doesn't mean I can't feel joy and gratitude. I feel as much happiness as I allow myself.

Today, I found myself thinking that I wished I still had my old industrial straight stitch sewing machine, with which to sew the coat I'm making. It had great power, and would sew through a dozen layers of leather with no hesitation. In the past, that thought would have had a life of several hours. Nowadays, it's a passing thought. I don't have it anymore, so what can I do if this domestic machine balks? Get a heavier needle. Do some handsewing. It's all manageable, if I permit it to be so.

The Practise of Gratitude.

A reader of this blog asked me to elaborate upon what I mean when I write about "practising gratitude."

I was taught by my first sponsor that gratitude doesn't just come upon us unannounced -  not at first, it doesn't, because most of us come into Al-Anon full of anger, resentment, self-pity, and other strong emotions. Not only does there not seem to be any room inside our heads for gratitude, but I for one, couldn't find a darn thing to be grateful for. One of the tools in my arsenal was sarcasm, and I used it liberally, slathering it over my daily life, steeping myself in cynicism and negativity.

I thought anyone with a positive attitude had to be a fool, or at the very least, faking it.

My sponsor pointed out to me that whatever opinion I decided to maintain, was my choice, and mine alone. If I wanted to stay miserable, I could clutch onto my negative opinion about life, carry it forward with me, and it would poison all that I saw, experienced, and felt.

Or I could begin to practise gratitude. For me, the beginning was not just to practise gratitude, but to force it. It didn't come naturally to me, to any degree. At the start, I would try to find one thing to feel grateful about, and fail completely.

I was utterly blind to the fact that I had plenty about which I could feel gratitude, if I so chose. I was well-fed, well-clothed, comfortably housed, had a vehicle to drive, a dog I adored, and friends who loved me. I was rich with opportunities for gratitude, it was just that I always had my face turned away from those riches, and towards the alcoholic, and the alcoholism, or the miseries of my childhood.

An AA speaker I really like, Bob B, spoke in one of his talks about getting up every morning, and choosing to "paste something to my eyeball, and that's what I see all day long. If I paste something which is annoying and frustrating to me, I'll be annoyed and frustrated all day. If I paste gratitude, I'll be grateful and blessed all day."

Emotions are powerful, and can have us swinging like a pendulum. But gratitude is more powerful. Gratitude can centre and calm me, regardless of the level of my discontent or upset when I start.

I began by forcing gratitude, as I mentioned earlier in this. I wrote down a list of things for which I could be grateful, had it always with me, and when my mood began to sour, I would pick one or two things on my list, and begin to silently thank my Higher Power for whatever it was. After a few dozen (or hundred) repetitions, I would begin to feel grateful for it.

Practise gratitude the way you'd practise the piano if you were trying to learn to play. You wouldn't walk past it, and hope that soon you'd be good at it, while never opening the lid, would you? No, you'd find regular periods of time in which you could sit down and practise. Well gratitude is the same. I needed to practise the habit of gratitude by forcing gratitude. And the way I did that, was by thanking my Higher Power, for the things on the list I'd compiled with my sponsor.

Do you have fresh running water? A warm, safe place to sleep? Start there. Be grateful for the big things, and the rest will follow. Bless you.

We Are All Siblings Under The Skin.

Anxiety is one aspect of being co-dependent that I have found to be universal - I hear people share at meetings about anxiety, old and new, and every sponsee I've ever had, has been well aware of the level of anxiety they carry. I used to get regular panic attacks before program.

People-pleasing is another character trait that seems common. I learned in childhood that if I could please someone, I had a much better chance of getting what I thought I wanted or needed.

Denial is rampant among those of us who deal with alcoholism. My denial was so thick at first that I was completely unaware of its existence.

Self-loathing is a phrase I've heard many times in the 30 years I've been in Al-Anon. I know I felt self-loathing because I'd been trained by abuse to think of myself as "less than." I considered myself to be a terrible person, and incompetent because I couldn't make my first husband stop drinking. I believed that had he just loved me "enough" he would have stopped. Al-Anon taught me that this kind of thinking was akin to believing that if he'd just loved me enough, he wouldn't have pneumonia. Alcoholism is an illness.

Judgementalism - I still struggle with being judgemental at times, although nowadays I can hear myself thinking that way, and will respond to my own thought with a correction, or reminder that most of us are doing the best we can at any time, I'm not the thought, activity, clothing, or behavior police; I need to keep my side of the street clean, and not be meddling in the affairs of others; even if that meddling is only inside my own head, it's still a loss of focus.

Fear is another emotion with which so many of us in program have had a long-term connection. I feared my own fear, which led to panic attacks. I feared other people, which led to loneliness. I feared authority, which led to my doing what I didn't want to do, in an effort to ingratiate myself.

Mistrust was my major defense against closeness with others. I can recall going around muttering to myself,  "I hate people!"  From a very young age, other people had caused me a great deal of physical and emotional pain, and I feared getting close to anyone, because I feared yet more hurt.

Al-Anon, and a zealous and impassioned working of the Twelve Steps, is helping me to lead a more peaceful, satisfying and enjoyable life. I can revel in the delights of a friendship, I can feel enormous gratitude for the gift of my partner Robert, I can greet a new day with happiness for the sight of the sun lighting my way. Any winter day with sun, rather than being overcast and cloudy, is a good day in my book.

If we stay in program, and work our program, the Promises will begin to come true, and we will be amazed at how different our lives can look and feel. Bless you.

What Qualifies as "Gossip or Criticism."

I was raised in an adoptive family in which the major form of humour was sarcasm. I picked it up along with some other bad habits, and used it right into the doors of Al-Anon.

Before progam, I used sarcasm as a weapon, as a rebuttal, as a defense, and to score points in an argument.

 I spoke to my first sponsor about it, and she reminded me that in our closing, we read, "Talk to each other, reason things out, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time."

I define "let there be no gossip or criticism of one another" very narrowly. Many times, a new sponsee will ask me who my other sponsees are. I don't tell them, because that runs up against my strong belief in keeping confidences. If one sponsee wishes to break that confidence by talking about who their sponsor is, that's up to them. Nobody is going to hear it from me.

I'm not comfortable in hearing about who irritates or bothers you at a meeting, because they are too this or that. I am not at a meeting to sit and fume because someone has a personality quirk I find irritating. I am at a meeting to share the experience strength and hope I have to offer, to bask in the atmosphere of love and acceptance, and to learn.

My experience in this program has taught me right from the start, that it would invariably be the person who was irritating me the most, who had the lesson I most needed to hear at that time.

In my second group, which was a home-group meeting, we went to a member's apartment, and we were no further that just inside the door, before I was silently judging her for her décor. (I was a supremely shallow person 30 years ago, I lived in anger, fear, and judgement.)

During the meeting, I was judging this same woman for the way she spoke, her choice of clothing, her speech patterns; everything about her, got my goat. The meeting ended, I went home, and found that one thing she'd said, was getting more and more powerful the more I thought about it. It applied to my own character defects, and it stuck in my head all week, like a cocklebur seed to a sock. It poked, prodded, and needled at me day upon day. I finally called my sponsor to complain about this obsession, and we had a very interesting and to me, madly infuriating discussion, in which she suggested, not for the first time, that what most annoyed me in another person, often turned out to be a character defect or personality quirk of my own that I disliked.

I swallowed and muttered and grumped while she explained this idea in greater detail. When she was finished, I didn't have much to say, I was too offended, so I said a stiff goodbye, thanked her, and hung up.

Talking to her hadn't helped me in the way I'd hoped or wanted. I didn't get what I thought I needed from that discussion; instead I was, as so often in the early days with my sponsor, mightily offended. I took offense very quickly when I was new to Al-Anon. My self-image was so negative and so shaky, that even the slightest suggestion that I was wrong could send me into a tailspin for days. After a few months of dealing with this aspect of my personality, my  sponsor suggested that perhaps by being offended, I didn't have to hear what she was saying?

That hit home with a thump, because it was simply, and undeniably true. A large part of my judgement, when it wasn't about allowing me to feel superior, because I didn't do that at meetings, was about being to cut that person out, as someone I didn't need to listen to very carefully.

This woman taught me to listen carefully when anyone speaks during a meeting, because I've learned that the most (to me) unlikely person, may be the one person at the meeting who is carrying the message from my HP, that I most need to hear.

More Treatment

I saw an oncologist on Tuesday of this week, and she said that because I'm responding so well to the treatment, and tolerating it so well, also, that they are considering another twelve rounds of chemo as soon as the present batch is complete.

I'm feeling fine with that prospect. For me, chemo has not been the horror story I had been led to expect, from all the reading and listening to stories about "My aunt had cancer, and when she was in chemo it was awful, it aged her terribly, she was sick all the time, etc etc."

In the last year or so, I have noticed that whenever some people find out that one is facing a procedure, they will immediately begin reciting every horror story  that they, or anyone they've talked to has ever heard.  I was hugely fortunate, in that a friend in program whom I love and admire, had undergone one of the same major operations I was facing, and she had me over to her place to talk all about it, show me the scars, explain what to expect, what might hurt, what might be an improvement over the results of the first operation, and a few other things.

When I got back home that afternoon, Robert took one look at me, and said, "You look much better." I told him that this time with my friend had removed about 80% of the fear I'd had about that particular part of the second operation. And it has proven to be quite true, it's nothing as negative as some told me it would be, and it is a relief after the results of the first operation, which was most definitely not a success.

Had I not had her experience strength and hope, I would have been much more frightened, and some studies have seemed to suggest that the better of a headspace one is in before a procedure, the better one is able to deal with it, and any side effects.

One oncologist told me that she thought that chemo was about 10% medical, and 90% mental. I find that I have been able to go through it with gratitude, peace and joy, for my life, and time with my beloved, wonderful Robert.

When I was still so upset about the call from my ex, and obsessing as to how he had managed to secure my unlisted number, I called up my first sponsor here, and asked if I could come to talk? She immediately and warmly agreed, and I went to spend an hour and a half with her wisdom and support. When we hugged goodbye before I left, we were both a little choked up and teary. We have talked a few times about her unfortunate comment, and my over-reaction to it, but have put it down to just a misunderstanding, and agreed this time to resume working through the new 4th Step workbook, "Reaching For Personal Freedom"

We had barely started with it, when the misunderstanding took place, but I find that I miss the meetings with her, talking and laughing. My new sponsor is a great help to me, and I enjoy and appreciate her enormously. That doesn't mean I can't also enjoy and appreciate my first sponsor, and spend time in her company. We may not consider it a sponsor-sponsee relationship, but I'm thinking that it's in name only - the sharing of experience, strength and hope is all still there.

Knowing that I have people to whom I can turn, during difficult times in my life, has been a blessing for which I am continually, deeply grateful. And I truly believe that the practise of gratitude transforms our lives in ways we cannot imagine when we first start to try to work it.

An Old Friend.

This week, I celebrated the milestone of 30 years in this life-saving, sanity-preserving program, by purchasing again, for probably the tenth time since I started all those years ago, the first piece of Al-Anon literature I ever read, the book entitled: "How Al-Anon Works, for Families and Friends of Alcoholics."

I've bought this book for myself many times, then lent it to one of my sponsees, or a newcomer who couldn't afford to get one for herself, and all but one time, it has never been returned. The one which did get returned, got lent out to another sponsee and it went the way of all the others. I've never minded not getting this book back, because I knew I could always get another one at any of the groups I attended, and because I was hoping that it could give to the reader some of the enormous comfort and calm that it gave to me when I was so new.

I love this book. I've read it dozens of times from cover to cover. I've read it in small sips of a few pages at a time, and I've read it like a novel, starting at the beginning, and continuing right to the last page. Either way, each time I read it, I find something new that had eluded me.

I'll never forget an old-timer at an Al-Anon meeting reading a page from the book aloud, and stopping partway through to exclaim, "I've read this 20 times, when did they put that paragraph in?"

That's one of the wonders of this program, and of Al-Anon literature - I hear what I need to hear when I am ready to hear it, and not before. When I'm ready, the wisdom washes over me in a wave of astonishment - I had never thought of it that way!
(whatever "it" is at the time.) 

With that new thought, my perception and my attitude shift: sometimes a few feet, sometimes only a millimetre or so, but there is movement, and with it, the world is new again, and possibilities appear that until now, were hidden in the shadows of my confusion.

I recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with the awful agony of trying to live in peace with another person's addictions without being swamped and swallowed up.  I also recommend it to those of us who have reached a peaceful place in our lives, and are dealing with other challenges in our lives. It's a great read, and it helps.

Some Days Are Better Than Others.

I was listening to an Al-Anon speaker yesterday, while I was making soup and seasoning a new wok, and have been thinking about one comment he made. He said that working the program doesn't mean that we won't feel pain or suffer during the stressful periods in our lives, it means that we have tools with which to deal with life's trials and tribulations.

Some of life's trials won't go away. We endure health problems, as I have done recently, and after the treatment, our body doesn't work in the same effortless way it used to. I've been very fortunate, but there have been changes, and I need to live with them, since I've no other choice. Some days, I can accept and let go. Occasionally, I'll have a bad night, as I did last night, with patchy sleep and physical complaints, and wake up feeling down, as I did this morning.

I'm feeling grumpy and dis-satisfied and in need of a spiritual boost. I know I'll get it when I go to the office operating committee meeting this afternoon. I'll see my sponsor and other members of my home group, women I love dearly, who make me laugh, give me hope, and life my spirits when I'm already happy. When I'm feeling a little down, as I am today, they are a lifeline to regaining my usual good mood.

Robert is out at the moment, but I know that when he returns, he will smile at me, and I will feel the comfort and blessing of his love for me, and mine for him, and my gratitude for the blessings in my life will dissipate this touch of melancholy, like wood smoke on the breeze.

In Al-Anon, I'm learning not to panic when my mood shifts occasionally. For many years, I was afraid of my feelings of pain or sorrow, because I feared that there might come a day when they wouldn't end. Now, I am aware that they are a part of me that can be acknowledged, accepted, and released.

This too, shall pass.

Selfcare

A reader has asked me for some input on self-care.

When introduced to "HALT" (Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired) in Al-Anon, I had no way of understanding what was being offered to me. I thought I was being told how to behave in a more responsible and mature way by not indulging in conflict under those circumstances; I couldn't begin to grasp the wisdom contained in that little shorthand formula.

Over time, I have gained an understanding of just how vulnerable I am in any of those conditions, and how easily able to be manipulated. I didn't believe, at first, that being hungry, angry, lonely or tired could make much difference as long as I were more aware. Over time, I've come around to the opposing viewpoint on this - I now know that being in any one of those states reduces my ability to put my awareness to good use, because it will override my higher learning, and bring me down to a more primitive level of functioning, one in which I am far more likely to react, rather than respond.

Self-care means that I need to look after not only my mental self, but that my physical being is also of importance, if I am to fully benefit from the gifts of this program. I need regular meals, a good night's sleep, friends with whom to talk, laugh, and share, and I need to make sure that I am not indulging in people-pleasing to the extent that I am feeling angry, but am not admitting or identifying this emotion honestly to myself, or to another.

When I feel hunger pangs, it's not self-care to think, "I'll eat later." If I'm too fatigued to cook, there are many healthy things I can eat which don't require much time or effort, but will restore my energy, and maintain my health.

When I'm feeling angry, it's not self-care to tell myself, "It doesn't matter." That's very different from "How Important Is It?" The former is negating my feelings, the latter asks me to balance them against the rest of the equation.

When I'm lonely, and I do nothing to relieve my loneliness, I'm not practising self-care. A short phone call may be all I'm in need of, to remember that I'm not alone in my journey, and I have many loving, caring people who will happily give me a little of their time to cheer me up, and remind me of program.

When I'm tired, driving myself to accomplish more in this day is not self-care. It's not laziness to rest when I need rest, or sleep when sleep is what I require - my Higher Power has granted me relative health, and for that I'm grateful, but I need to give this corporal body the same attention that I would give any machine in my care. When the vacuum overheats, I shut it off and allow it to cool down, I don't try to keep on vacuuming until the motor blows. Yet how many times have I tried to drive myself past overwhelming fatigue, determined to conquer the annoying needs of this body which carries me around?

Self-care is not selfishness, it's good sense, and it feels good to give ourselves some pampering and loving.

Emotional Support.

Where do you get yours? In speaking to my new sponsor iu this city, I replied that my emotional support comes from my Higher Power. That knowledge is what made it possible for me to risk a massive change in my life.

I have been being looked after since long before I knew I needed any care.

Common Denominators - Rigidity

 In which areas am I rigid? What are my "rules?"  Rules are different for each of us, and can range from "Don't complain" to "Dishes must be arranged in the dishwasher in this order" to "Don't let the dog up on the furniture" to "A good friend would never do _____" to "When gardening, always deadhead before watering." It can be an interesting experiment to try to figure out as many of our rules as possible, then begin to work to let them go.

I was raised by a ferociously rigid adoptive mother who enforced her many rules and regulations with physical abuse. It wasn't until I had some time in Al-Anon that I gained an understanding that her rigidity was powered by fear - she lived in a constant state of fear. She'd had a hard childhood herself, had learned that the world and the people in it were not to be trusted, and as an adult, tried to cope with her fear by coming up with rules to cover any and every eventuality.

I didn't want to be anything like her, but I'd been well-trained into the idea that there's only one right way to do something, (and that when I became an adult, I could make up my own rules and enforce them) so it was a long hard haul uphill to try to change this way of thinking. Before I could begin to change it, I needed to understand which feelings drove it, and the purpose it served.

The feelings behind most of my rules were/are: fear, and a desire for control. If it's not one, it's the other, and  I've expended much energy trying to make the various alcoholics in my life follow my many rules. (Good luck on that one.) When I catch myself being rigid, I've learned to stop, investigate what my feeling is, why has it arisen, what do I believe will happen if my rule isn't followed to the letter, and can I choose to let this go?

So many of the things that I once believed should be done my way have been repeatedly proven to be equally as successful if done someone else's way. It doesn't matter one bit how they are done, as long as they get done. Muddling through works fine most times. There's very little in most of our lives that needs to be done precisely. This isn't rocket science, brain surgery, or computer programming.

Seems like I'm always discovering new areas in which I need to let go. Whenever I hear myself using the word "should" in a sentence, I know I need to stop and take a good look at that thought process - "should" or "shouldn't" has become a red flag for me. Much of my martyrdom was about other people refusing to follow my rules. How dare they? My first sponsor suggested a better question might be, "Why would they?"



The more I can let go, the more serenity I find. The plants don't care if I water before deadheading, or afterwards. They have a few basic needs, and as long as those are met, they will thrive. I too, have only a few basic needs. I too, can thrive if I choose to.

Common Denominators - Obsessive Thinking

If I were asked to pick the one character trait I have found most destructive of my peace of mind, this would be it. I have the sort of mind that, without program intervention, climbs onto that gerbil wheel and runs for hours, sometimes days at a time, until I'm sick at heart with rage, fear and frustration.

For those who may be unfamiliar with the term, obsessive thinking is when I have one idea in my head, and I just keep chewing it over, angry, fearful and distressed, walking through my day with my body in the here and now, but my head somewhere else entirely. That one idea becomes all I can think about; it takes me over completely.

It wasn't until I joined Al-Anon that I began to grasp the idea that I have some control over what goes on inside my own head. I may not be able to stop thoughts from arising, but I don't have to latch onto them like a trap slamming shut, and carry them over to the gerbil wheel for a little workout. I can honestly state with full conviction that I have never climbed back down from the gerbil wheel feeling anything but worse than when I started.

Obsessive thinking drains my energy, poisons my day, and renders me incapable of enjoying my life. I will be moving from one thing to the next like a zombie, consumed with my obsessive thinking, while hiding behind my cheerful facade. It creates a feeling of tremendous alienation from the world around me, and makes me feel helpless and hopeless.

So how do I deal with this? How do I not get started, or once started, stop?  I ask my HP for help.

I call my sponsor, or another program person, and speak honestly of the madhouse between my ears. That breaks my isolation. I read program literature or listen to a speaker tape. That reminds me that we are all in this together, and I am not a solitary lunatic, but one of a large group, many of whom will take my phone calls.

If I can laugh at myself, I can break that pacing back and forth of obsessive thinking. Obsession requires total serious concentration - laughter makes this impossible, because I am given, through the laughter, some detachment from myself.

I I cannot change whatever it is, why expend all my energy and life-force obsessing about it? Back to Step One: I admit that I am powerless, and my life is unmanageable while I'm obsessing. I turn it over, I work my program, and I receive relief. For that relief, I feel a deep and abiding gratitude.

A Question About Staying In the Moment

"My sponsor keeps telling me to "stay in the moment, live in the now," but is never able to tell me how to do this - can you help?"

The only way I have found it possible to do this with any sustained success reqires that I first become aware of my internal dialogue - what's going on inside my own head. Am I worrying about the future? Chewing over the past? Am I rewriting an argument, making my part vastly more intelligent and mature than it was  at the time? Am I projecting? Having imaginary conversations?

When new to Al-Anon, I was impatient with any suggestion that I try to be aware of my thoughts as they floated through my head; I didn't believe it was possible to change what went on up there, so couldn't see the point of the exercise. I did it anyway, under duress, and with much moaning and complaint.
It was illuminating to discover just how negative was my thinking.

So, try to be aware of your internal dialogue. When you catch yourself thinking about the past, or projecting into the future, bring your mind back to the present. You could try the exercise of describing to yourself what you are doing in the now - "Now I am washing dishes. I'm in my kitchen standing at the sink, with my hands in hot sudsy water, cleaning up after a meal." (For those of you who will say, "But I've got a dishwasher, I don't wash dishes!" - describe to yourself the loading of the dishwasher, and the general clearing up.)

The point of that exercise is to anchor yourself in the present moment, by keeping your mind occupied with what you are doing now. You may find that this is like trying to grasp smoke when you first try it, because it's a hard habit to break when we live anywhere but in the now.

I might tell myself, "No projecting, no recreations." and turn my mind again to what I'm doing right this minute. If you find music helps you to stay in the present moment, use that. Reading works for me, as does creating - sewing or painting.

Your sponsor, as are we all, is fallible, and they may have difficulty describing how they do this - ask other people in Al-Anon, and be open-minded and willing enough to try their suggestions, no matter how silly they may sound. Be gentle with yourself, this isn't easy, but it's like anything else, we get better the more often we practise.

Surrender Anger, for Serenity.

I cannot achieve serenity, if I am engaged in the taking of someone else's inventory, and chewing over the myriad ways in which I've decided they are coming up short. The moment I begin to turn my gaze, from my own character defects to those of another, I have lost my focus, and I am about to lose my serenity.

I want peace.

How do I find my way to that glorious place? By following the road map drawn for me, by those who have worked out some of the best ways to get there. By relinquishing my desire to control, and accepting my powerlessness. By attending  meetings, reasoning things out with someone else in program, and seeking my Higher Power as I understand him/her/it.

By choosing the long-term goal of serenity and peace over the short-term satisfaction of anger and judgement.

Someone asked me, "Why do I keep choosing anger, then - I hate that feeling!"

We do what we learn. I have had to unlearn the lessons of how to deal with anger, which I'd internalised as a child, and relearn a different way.

We do what works for us - in everything, there is a payoff. It may be a payoff of being able to take what a friend in program calls "the moral high ground." Perhaps our anger at this person allows us to feel that we are right and they are wrong. We may feel self-righteous. We may feel superior. We may feel an awful pain, and wish for comfort, but have no way as of yet, to ask for that, so instead, we express it as anger.

I can feel angry when my boundaries are violated, my feelings are dismissed or negated, when unkindness is repetitive, when I am being treated with disrespect.

My anger may be a perfectly reasonable response, but I cannot change other people. I have to detach from what they are doing, and step far enough back, to be out of range of whatever slop is flying. When I am detached, I see what's happening, but it doesn't get to me the same way. I'm out of range, when I'm detached. I seek peace where I've found it before - in my Higher Power, in the love of my program friends, in the deepest core of my own self.

Awareness, Acceptance, Action.

I become aware, when I am willing to hear another point of view. If each time I am presented with an idea which doesn't mesh closely with my own, I shut down and refuse to listen, I will not learn.

 At this stage, I don't have to do anything but listen. When I say, "Ok, I'll hear it, but that's all I'm going to do right now," I allow the other person to speak their piece, and I'm not having to try to listen, through the clamoring of my internal dialogue offering up arguments in rebuttal. I'm listening - that's the agreement at that stage - you speak, I listen, no promises either way. We'll see; I'll think about it, and get back to you. I'll hear how you feel, and take it on board for further consideration.

I become aware, when realisation dawns that my "way" isn't working for me anymore. Perhaps a coping mechanism which has served me well for many years, has become obsolete, or is now obstructive to my maturity. I become aware, and I can sit with that awareness for a time, until my ego quiets down, and I can relax into my new awareness. Awareness may be gradual or shockingly sudden. It may bring with it sorrow and grieving, or it may make me burst into laughter. Either way, I choose awareness over the alternative.

Acceptance comes through several doors. There's the door marked: "It is what it is, and nothing on earth can change it, so why waste energy protesting?"
There's a door with the label: "Isn't this wild? Can you believe you didn't see this before now?'
There's yet another door: "Things that aren't what they seem."

I've come to understand that it doesn't matter how the acceptance arrives. At one stage of my life, I'd get so hung up on which door it came through, that the thing itself, the acceptance, was pushed aside for a while - this is a procrastination technique.

When I can make room for acceptance, without fussing about how it enters my life, I have greater serenity, and my sense of humour reasserts itself. When I reach for acceptance, draw it into my arms and give it a big warm hug, I am flooded with  peaceful feelings. I can breathe more deeply: see wtih clarity: have compassion for others, and myself. Acceptance is a powerful force for change in my life.

I used to leapfrog over awareness and acceptance, directly into action. I acted on impulse, without restraint, with little forethought, with that frantic sense of wanting to do something, anything, to force my will, or relieve my pain.

I don't do that anymore. I reason things out with someone else, and I get feedback from my sponsor, my program friends, my Higher Power. If I'm not sure, I'll let it go for another while, to see if perhaps that's all the action required - just to let go.

 "Awareness, Acceptance, Action" is a shorthand reminder, of a great wisdom. I pray for the ability to hear, accept, and use this wisdom, in my daily life.

Am I Aware Of My Own Character Defects?

A newcomer asks: "Isn't it hard to figure out your own character defects, because aren't you naturally in denial about them?"

An excellent question, and timely, since our Step Group is working Step Four right now. The writer went on to ask, how could she find out what her character defects were?

Ask your family and friends! All kidding aside, it can be an interesting exercise to do this, because our friends and family can see us with more objectivity than we see ourselves. When we've been in Al-Anon for a while, we can ask members with whom we feel comfortable, and whom we trust, to discuss this with us, if they're comfortable doing so, because there again, we can be viewed with more objectivity.

Al-Anon's Paths to Recovery is a good resource, and Blueprint for Progress is a helpful book to work through, with sponsees doing their first Step Four. Both have good thought-provoking questions.

Try not to worry too much about how you are doing your inventory, and please, try not to bash yourself. No point in making it more difficult, right? We all have human frailties.

Don't Blame God....

...for the choices people make.

We all have free will. What some do with that free will, is a result of having been warped and twisted in their formative years - abuse breeds abuse, down through the generations. At one time, I held God responsible for all of the abuse I'd endured. Eventually, I reached an understanding in my recovery, that just as I have a choice as to whether my hand reaches out to stroke, or to strike, so did those who had me in their care.

If I am less than kind to another person, I can see with crystal clarity that this is my fault, my responsibility, my choice. I don't say, "That was my Higher Power's fault just now, when I was snarky to my alcoholic."

When I realised that those in my past acted in free will, I also gained compassion for their struggle. They had their own pain, anger and sorrows driving them.

Just as blame is pointless in my relationships with people, so it is, with my relationship with my Higher Power. Blaming interferes with my learning and progress. It creates a chasm between the blamer and the blamed, and to what end?
None of life can be undone once it has taken place. We can only walk forward in this life. I spent a long time moving forward, with my head twisted back over my shoulder, staring at the past, complaining of my sore neck.

Let go. Let it all go. Fling it away, or just let it drop, it doesn't matter, just break the connection between you and whatever it is that you are clutching. If you can manage to let it go, you will be given instead, the treasure of serenity. But it's an either/or, you can't have both.

I kept my misery because I couldn't believe the replacement wouldn't be far worse. My sponsor had to practically pry my hands open, to encourage me to let go, but once I did that first time, I was amazed and astounded to discover that she'd been telling me the truth - I felt instantly relieved and calmer. That was the beginning of trust for me.

Letting go is a powerful action. When I let go of that which is bothering or distressing me, when I turn it over, I am always rewarded with peace of mind, and peacefulness of spirit.

I accept today, and I accept myself.

Step Groups.

When several members of a Al-Anon group agree to meet once a week in addition  o their regular home group meeting, for a mutually agreed number of weeks, to discuss the 12 Steps, it's commonly called a "Step group."

Last night was the first meeting of our new Step group, and it was wonderful. I love Step groups. I love the intimacy, the learning, the trust. I've been in groups which have started out rather raggedly because of clashing egos, but through assiduous practise of "principles above personalities" have melded into powerful rooms of change for all involved. That's something to see.

I remember every Step group in which I've taken part.
I was participating on a fairly shallow level at the beginning, because I was new to them, and new to trust, and found the revealing of myself  to be quite frightening. But, just as it does in a regular meeting, the honesty and willingness to share being demonstrated by the other people at the table, showed me that it was safe to do so. Nothing terrible was going to happen if I was honest about my thinking, and my feelings.

There have been times when I haven't realised the effect of a Step group upon my growth, until long afterward. My thinking may have altered ever so slightly in one area - which shifts my perspective, and my perceptions. When I think differently, I see differently. In turn, when I see differently, I think differently. When I'm able to stay open to this process, it's a self-perpetuating movement towards a healthier way of life.

I encourage any of you who haven't yet joined a Step group to make the committment to the next one available to you. It's an experience difficult to articulate with clarity, but unremittingly positive for all concerned.

If You Don't Swim, You'll Just Float.

Someone asked if I could please elaborate upon my remark yesterday that I seem to be hearing a lot lately from people who don't work the program, and say they "don't get much out of it."

Nobody would go out into their yard, start to dig a bit, clear perhaps a foot or two of sod down to the bare soil, then put down their tools, sit down in despair, and say they don't get anything from gardening. We can all see how silly that would be.
Yet this is what happens with 12-Step. People clear a bit of grass, get down to some dirt, then sit down, give up, and say they "don't get much out of Al-Anon." (Or AA, or any other program.) Or they come into 12-Step from a place of desperation, and do work the program at first, until they start to feel better, and that's where they stop. And rest. That rest can go on for years, until the parts are rusted together, and it takes monumental effort to unseize the brain.

I had one sponsee ask why she was so stuck, when another person who'd come to Al-Anon a month or so after she had, and whom she wasn't aware I sponsored, was moving in leaps and bounds? "Why?" she wailed to me, "I just don't get it!"

Why? Because she had never surrendered, never admitted her powerlessness or insanity - she was determined to be a victim, and any suggestion that she wasn't, or that she work to change herself, met with a fierce resentful resistance: "Why should I? It's not fair!"

Damn right it isn't. Let's move on, shall we?

I need to do regular digging and weeding, or my plot of self can quickly become choked with the buttercup of  resentment strangling my newer, less-established plantings. I need to be going out every day and doing an inventory, or nature will take over - untended gardens revert to the wild.  I don't want to have to start all over from the beginning.

I'm going out to the garden, are you coming? No, you're going to watch from here? Ok, but don't complain when a month from now, you can't tell you'd ever started to dig.

Forgive the analogy, but that's how it is - you don't get the result without the effort. Stop doing the work, or never begin, and you won't get anything but more of what you have now - packets of seeds, and a vague intention.

One place we lived, we had a neighbour who used to walk past our front garden, and stop to sigh, "I wish my garden looked like this." Finally, my husband could bear it no longer, and replied with a smile, "It could, if you put in the time and exertion that my wife does."

Time Flies Whether You're Having Fun Or Struggling - This Too Shall Pass.

I haven't posted here in a week, an insane week of a trip to the larger city a few hours away, then home and engulfed by dealing with the business stuff which had piled up unbelievably in only a couple of days. Success is wonderful, but it certainly seems to require an enormous outlay of time.

Lots of folks here moaning about the weather - we're having a very wet spring. I'm so used to this sort of climate that it doesn't even register. I long ago realised I either accepted the rain, or go quietly mad. We don't get the torrential downpours for days on end, that I endured when I was living in rainforest. A light rain is as nothing, compared to those soakers. It may rain here, but it stops. The sun shines about twice as often as it did in the last place we lived, and for that, I am deeply grateful.

My garden is leaping ahead with all the rain - that's fun, to see the huge amount of growth just in the few days I was out of town.

I'm feeling peaceful, accepting, grateful, and serene. I love this state of mind - serenity. When I was new to Al-Anon, I knew the meaning of the word, but I had no real understanding, because I'd never achieved it. Truthfully? I wasn't sure I believed it was possible. That makes me smile to recall. I was pessimisstic and negative; I've changed greatly over the years.

From the ODAT, page 135:

"Acceptance appears to be a state of mind in which the individual accepts, rather than rejects or resists; he is able to take things in, to go along with, to cooperate and be receptive."
                               (Dr. Harry M. Tiebout)

When I accept, take things in, go along, cooperate and am receptive, life flows smoothly, and I open myself to joy and serenity. When I let go of wanting someone else to be different, and allow them to live their own life, I then have the space and time (which was previously filled with resentment and obsessing) to achieve that which may have seemed impossible - serenity of mind and spirit.

Just as I cannot fix the other, so can no-one fix me; I have to be willing to do the hard work of program on my own. If I'm not ready, I won't do it. In the beginning, I needed to take it on faith when my sponsor and oldtimers in the program told me that "it worked if you work it." After I'd accumulated a few examples of this reality, I then could remind myself.

Power Struggles & The Three "C's".

"I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it."

I like that little reminder. Encapsulated in that one sentence, is the wisdom of detachment, letting go, and focusing upon my own life.

A newcomer to program once asked me: "Are there three different "it's" being referred to, or just one?" I wasn't sure, as I was relatively new to program myself, so I called my sponsor over, and asked her. She replied that it may have originally been meant to refer to the disease of alcholism, but like so much of this wonderful program, could be expanded to encompass anything over which we had no control, but still obsessed.

The new member thought for a moment, then said sadly, "I don't know what I'm going to think about if I'm not thinking about him, my life seems to have been narrowed down to nothing but the alcoholism."

This is an important part of my recovery - recognising that if I am to change my thinking patterns and avoid focusing upon the alcoholic, I need to find other ways to occupy my time. I need to find something else to do.

I need to pay attention to my own thinking, so that I may recognise what I call "the opening bars" of that same old song of obsessing, and decide that I'm not in the mood for that misery music, I want to listen to something new and cheerful and uplifting instead. This may require that I read some Al-Anon literature, or call a program friend. I may need to ask my Higher Power for help to stop my obsessive thinking, or perhaps if I catch it soon enough, I can change the station myself by finding what I love to do, and doing it.

There will be days when the only way I am to avoid getting involved in a power struggle with the alcoholic, is by remembering the 3 "C's."  Since I didn't cause whatever it is, I needn't accept proffered blame. Since I can't control it, there's no point in having another fruitless argument. Since I can't cure it, I can turn my mind away from thinking about it, and towards life's more enjoyable pursuits.

When life is offering me choices, I pray to remember the 3 "C's" and choose recovery.