My Imagination LImits Me.

I was out for a dogwalk with a good friend yesterday, and when a vehicle stopped to allow us to cross, we realised it contained someone we both knew - I knew the passenger, and she knew the driver. It was quite funny in its way, and what happened later on in my evening was even funnier, because it once again reminded me of the ways in which my own imagination limits me. I have learned this life lesson repeatedly during my time in Al-Anon, and I still seem able to forget it. What I find even more interesting is the fact that this limitation extends in only one direction - the positive. I can easily imagine, were I to allow it, various and myriad terrible outcomes, and I've spent many miserable hours of my life doing this - it's called worrying.

It's the possible 'amazing and wonderful' outcomes which don't spring to my mind with equal ease. Seems that every time I believe that I've imagined every way in which a situation could resolve itself positively, and then get tired of this mental chatter and decide to turn it over to my Higher Power, to let it go, it will be resolved in a manner which astounds and delights me, because it will happen in a way that wouldn't have occurred to me had I thought about it for a dozen years.

An elderly member in my first meeting group once made us all howl with laughter by saying with a hint of irritation in her voice that she thought her Higher Power was a bit of a showoff, really. I might be too, if I could imagine the same elegantly perfect solutions

Forgiving Ourselves

A reader left a comment about the difficulty in forgiving oneself for past wrongs inflicted upon family members.

I used to be a person who couldn't let go. Of anything. Not what others had done to me, nor what I'd done. I carried my memories (of miseries received, and those I'd dished out) like a ratty old sweater which I'd come at last to understand I didn't like, both for its ugliness and lack of ability to warm, but which I grabbed and donned without a thought, because every day when I arose, I put it on. It was just part of my morning ritual: wake up, get up, put on that guilt sweater.

I was disbelieving when it was suggested to me by other Al-Anon members that I could choose not to wear it. I remember wondering, what could I wear instead? It seems as though we Al-Anons are creatures of sustained, intense habit, and any presentation of options to replace our habits can be met with considerable rationalisation and justification of why we do the things we do, even as we admit to the unhappiness they cause us.

I was recently introduced to an idea I've been mulling over - we argue for our misery and our limitations so strongly, because it gives us the excuse not to change. If it's ferociously complicated and entangled and convoluted, why, no reasonable person could expect us to change much, could they?

Whereas, if it's quite a simple process, we have not much excuse. Simplicity can be done. If this 12-Step truly is a simple program, then I'm not practising it because I choose not to. I can say "It's so hard!"  for as long as I decide to; there are no "musts" in Al-Anon, and nobody is going to tell me that I'm doing it the wrong way. I'm left to work at my own speed, and arrive at my own conclusions. I choose recovery, or I choose otherwise.

I used to believe that when I'd been in for many years, I'd be "fixed." I don't think that nowadays; I've got a greater understanding of the way this program works for me - what I get is directly proportional to my willingness to let go. I've given up trying to know why that is, and have accepted it as my personal truth.

Growing At My Own Pace.

There have been times in my recovery when I've been wide open to change and growth - excited as I began to understand what might be possible for me. I have felt empowered, delighted with life, and bursting with joy and serenity.

There have also been those periods in which I have felt stalled, or as though I'm moving so slowly, that the electricity might as well be turned off at the mains. I've become caught up in trying to find some way to gauge my progress. If I watched the horizon, I couldn't tell, staring at my feet didn't help, so I'd fix a sort of halfway-to-noplace stare on something beside me, and spend ages trying to decide if I was moving past it, or if that was just an optical illusion caused by lengthening shadows.

I've been growing at my own pace.

That infitesimal rate of change, might be a result of my needing to stay where I'm safe for just a little while longer, while something is worked out in the part of myself not accessible to my conscious mind.

More often, I was trying to find some way to dodge Step 3:
"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

I've felt frustration which maddened me, but been so mired in self-will, and that single-minded, mulish determination to have my own way, that I have been willing to stay miserable for a little bit longer, in the vain hope that in this instance, I can force my will and my solutions. I want things to be a certain way, so I'm going to make that happen. The trouble with that, being: self-will is a drunk driver, unable to steer smoothly through the chaos of the street, to a safe arrival in the home driveway. Self-will smashes blindly into someone else's life, creating pain and damage, and blunders on, unaware. Self-will says, "I want this; you will give it to me."

Right. That's likely.

In all of my efforts to get my way with any alcoholic, I have failed spectacularly. I have so many examples of when it didn't work, it boggles the mind that I could have carried on in the belief that I could satisfy my own will, if I simply exerted greater effort in that direction. I listened to an AA speaker  last night, and he said that the definition of insanity is not "doing the same thing expecting a different result," it's doing the same thing, knowing exactly what will happen, and doing it anyway.

I pray for the wisdom to accept, and the willingness to turn over my life and my will to the God of my understanding.

Decision-Making.

I once was the sort of person who made snap judgements, then hasty decsions based upon those judgements. I'd spend 2 hours in a fabric store, finding the perfect material to make myself an article of clothing, yet major, life-altering choices were often made while I was in the grip of confusion, despair, or panic.

I could project entire conversations with the alcoholic inside my head, complete with my witty and slicing comments, (the kind I never make in real life because I can't think of them quickly enough) but I couldn't project myself far enough into the future to be able to discern the possible end results of a choice made today.

Because I felt as though I had few or no choices, I would flail about, trying to get my needs and wants met. More often than not, I was merrily leaping from the frying pan into the fire. And then I could spend my time roasting away in the flames, wishing I'd looked over the rim of the pan before I threw myself out.

A marvellous outcome of practising the Twelve Steps is that I don't do that anymore. I took Step Three:

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

I don't make choices based upon panic, resentment, anger, or frustration nowadays. I think about them for a while first, then I talk to my sponsor, and reason things out with her. If she can't help me with that particular area, I go to another Al-Anon member, and reason things out with them. I pray for guidance. I pray for more guidance. I pray for a sign to let me know I'm on the right track.

Sometimes, I must let go of it, accept it isn't happening on my time, but God's, and practise patience (not a trait I'm oversupplied with, unfortunately.) I used to hate waiting, because I just could not let go; I obsessed. I'm getting much better at letting go, because I've had many experiences demonstrating that my Higher Power has a plan I am unable to perceive at this stage of the process. Time and again, my chosen path will be completely blocked off - I can try going around either side, only to discover them both solidly sealed off to me.

That's an indication to me that I'm not heading in the right direction. I need to stop, sit down, take a break, look around, and see if I can see another avenue opening. Maybe I'm meant to just wait and think for a while; I've learned that isn't the waste of time I used to consider it. I don't have that force of desperation driving me to do something, anything, just to be in motion. I'm not treading water frantically, because I fear if I stop for a second I will drown; I'm floating - my faith makes me buoyant.

Step Three.

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

My first personal stumbling block of this Step, was the mention of God - I didn't believe in God. Through attending meetings, and seeing the serenity of long-time members, I grew to have a desire to believe, but no concept of how to get there from here. I'd call my sponsor when the rage and pain and grief became too much for me to handle on my own, and wail to her, "I can't take Step 3 because I don't believe in God!" And she would calmly say, "Why not pray as if you did?"

I found this suggestion utterly maddening at first, and would conclude the conversation politely, and fall backwards into my misery, desperate and hopeless. One day, for some reason, when she made that sugggestion, I thanked her, got off the phone, and began to pray to a God I didn't believe in. I didn't receive any reply that I could distinguish, but I did feel a tiny bit calmer. That was enough, I began to pray more often.

One day I was praying, saying the first line of the Serenity Prayer repeatedly, and all at once the most glorious sense of peace washed down over me, and for the first time in my life, I felt a calm serenity.

That was my first spiritual awakening, and when I think about it, the power of it never fails to move me. In one second, I went from a non-believer to a believer. Before Al-Anon, I'd secretly disparaged those who believed in a Higher Power, because in my cynicism, I didn't believe, and I was right about everything, so...

After a while in program, I still didn't believe, but I wanted to. I went from aetheism, to agnosticism, and there I stuck for a while, and I see now that I stuck there because I may have said I was willing, but I hadn't even begun to relax my desperate grasp upon my life and my will.

The day of my spiritual awakening, I was truly willing. I was plunking my burden down, and stepping back, saying, "Well, God, you may not want it, but I know I don't."

I was ready. All the meetings I'd attended, all the literature I'd read, all the conversations I'd had with other members, and my sponsor, all the prayers I'd spoken, had slowly, slowly, loosened my hold, until I could just open my hand and - let go.

I can still have days or moments where I will reach to snatch back my problem, wanting to be allowed to worry it over myself for a while, convinced that if I just look at if from enough different directions, I can find my own solution. Not often, because I have a long experience of the relief that comes with turning it over to God. The inexpressibly beautiful knowledge that I'm not alone. Help is only one prayer away.

Bear Buffet.

Elsewhere in this blog, I mentioned a phrase I quite like:
"Some days you eat the bear; some days, the bear eats you."

Today was a day during which the bear was dining upon me a morsel at a time - an ear at breakfast, then he went and had a bit of a nap. Came back mid-morning and gnawed off a hand, went for a swim....had a really good dinner on my left leg and half my torso, then off to his den for a good night's sleep.

I was so grateful it was a meeting night - my sponsor took one look at me, and grinned in empathethic communion, no words necessary. After the excellent meeting, I was restored in all my bits and pieces, ready for the next time I'm on the menu.
I don't know what I'd do without this wonderful program - scream a lot louder and disturb the birds, most likely.

Al-Anon allows me to know in my innermost soul that even bears get full at some point - this too shall pass.

Complacency.

From the ODAT, page 197:

"Complacency is an enemy, easy to recognise in others, but difficult to admit in ourselves. It is rarely listed among the major human faults, yet it can hinder us in every form of personal growth. Complacency simply means being sure we're right, taking it for granted that our view couldn't possibly be wrong. It means judging others by what we think is right. It blocks our understanding and kindness, and justifies qualitites in ourselves that we wouldn't find tolerable in others."

This little paragraph from today's reading carries enormous wisdom.

For me, complacency walks hand in hand with arrogance. If I have one, I have the other. Whenever I find myself thinking that I know how someone else should be behaving, I need to step back, detach from them and their choices, and turn that beam of judgement upon myself. I don't need to be unkind in my study of my character flaws, but I do need to be honest.

Complacency is never honest. Complacency hides the self behind a wall of self-satisfied, judgemental, rigidity. Complacency suggests that I am a finished project, with no further work to be done.

Just writing that line makes me smile, it's so far from the truth.

Don't Project!

This is a handy little reminder to myself, not to be wasting my precious life always peering into the possibilities of the future.

I could die today - would I have wanted to spend my last day on earth worrying about what might happen six months from now? When I go back and revisit some of my biggest worries, they didn't come to pass. I've spent hours of my life in anxious dread because of my imaginings.

My first sponsor once asked: "Why is it that your thoughts of the future never seem to be positive anticipation?" She suggested that when I caught myself worrying about the future, I make a concerted effort to decide instead, that the best of all possible outcomes was equally as likely, and because of that, there was no point in me even considering anything that wasn't happening right now.

I pass this wisdom to my sponsees, saying, "Don't project! Stay in the moment. Life your life as it is happening, don't ignore your real life, in favour of what may never occur."

"If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today." ~E. Joseph Cossman

This day is my only concern. I can manage this day. If I'm finding it difficult, I can break it down into smaller increments, rather than strive to deal with it in its entirety. I can rest assured that I am safe, comfortable, and if I allow myself to be - happy.

Worrying for the future may give me the misconception of preparedness, but it's an illusion - so if I do this, I am using worry over an imagining, to sustain an illusion of control.

Circular reasoning; perfect insanity.

Soup Of The Day.

I find it interesting, the way my Higher Power seems to balance out blows to my ego, with warm encouragement. It reminds me of the way an old friend made soup - she'd be bent over with her head in the fridge, asking me, "Should I put some _____ into it?" I'd invariably reply, "It's your soup. You choose the ingredients; I'm not being blamed later for the fact that the lettuce wasn't a good idea!" It was one of those silly little rituals we both enjoyed.

Some days, I feel like my Higher Power is thinking - "Hmm, should I throw some of this into her day? Ahh, why not!' and in it goes.
"Little dash of this? Sure!"
"What's in this container? I think that's still good, what the heck, huck it in!"

And the flavour of my day is changing with each addition. Some taste wonderful, and go down easily, others, well, they could have stood being chopped a bit smaller, and still others, like cooked lettuce, one gulps and swallows, shuddering as it goes down, hoping it won't make a reappearance, and that it was a really minor ingredient.

My "soup" of the day can be anything from a cream of potato type of day - bland, no surprises, just comforting routine,
to mystery meat surprise: where I'm not positive I even recognise all of the ingredients, and some I know I've never tried before, but I work to keep an open mind.

I'm grateful to my Higher Power for giving me a day, and for not serving me the same soup every day - makes life challenging, and interesting. (And occasionally, gross.)

Today's Quotation.

From the ODAT, page 186:

"God dwells wherever man lets Him in."

Martin Buber.

I love that idea - all that is required, is for me to invite my Higher Power in. If I allow it, I can have Him with me at all times.

Hating, and Weakness.

Cynicism, bitterness, hatred - all of these sap our strength, and our ability to deal with life. The objects of our hatred and bitterness aren't affected by it; we're the ones sitting in that acidic stewpot, slowing tanning our hearts to leather.

I couldn't see this for the longest time. I had some wierd, deep-seated belief, that keeping my hatred and bitterness alive was a way to resist, or fight back, against all that had been perpetuated against me.

Accepting the past, and letting go of it, felt like weakness. To my surprise, this turned out to be only possible from a position of strength. I had to have grown and matured a bit through working the 12 Steps, before I could begin to understand that my hatred was a continuation of the abuse.

I didn't live with those people anymore, but I might as well have, since through my hatred and bitterness towards them, I was keeping that terrible time freshly alive, and walking like a zombie through my present life, face turned always backwards, looking over my shoulder towards the past.

Al-Anon has taught me that I may be angered or distressed by the behavior of another human being, but I don't need to wallow in bitterness and hatred about it. I can take whatever action is within my power so as to maintain healthy boundaries, and I allow God to deal with all the rest of it.

It's not up to me to see that another human being receives their comeuppance, or karmic lesson. I want to be free of bitterness and hatred - that requires letting go of all that doesn't belong to me directly. That's my choice.

I heard in a meeting, when I was very new to Al-Anon, the phrase:

"Be where your hands are."

I loved this, it allowed me to grasp an area of 12-Step philosophy, in an easily-recalled reminder.

Where are my hands? In July 3, 2009. All right, that's where my mind will be, also.

Belief in God

Because of Al-Anon, I was finally able to quit smoking. I was a very heavy smoker, and had started at the age of 12, so I'd been poisoning myself for years by the time I came to 12-step. I'd tried to quit numerous times on my own, but had never managed to stay quit, and I suffered terribly from the cravings.
I'd been in Al-Anon for about 10 years or so, (I can be a slow learner) when I suddenly thought to ask my Higher Power for help in quitting smoking. I went to bed every night for a month or so, and prayed fervently (begged, truly) to be granted the strength to quit.

One morning when I arose, I said, "I'm quitting tomorrow."
And I did. I just stopped cold turkey, and it was as though I'd never smoked, because I didn't suffer for one moment from cravings. God granted me release from my addiction to nicotine.

I've told this story at meetings, as an illustration of the incredible gifts we receive, when we just - ask. Turn it over. I'd struggled most of my life to gain freedom from smoking, and overnight, God gave me what I couldn't give myself in all those years of struggle and effort.

As you may imagine, this gift was a huge leap forward for me, in my understanding of the power of God, and His willingness to help us, if we only seek Him.

We have an amazing source of guidance, power, serenity, and love - and all we have to do, is reach towards it. But reach, we must. We are given free will, and as long as we are bound and determined to muddle through under our own power, God isn't going to force us to accept help. I think of Him as a loving presence standing beside me, watching me fight with the packaging of my life lessons, muttering and grumbling to myself as I pull, and turn, and tug, and rip, until finally I fling it down, surrender, and ask, "Can you please help me with this?"

This is a lesson I seem to need to relearn, at regular intervals.