I heard a woman today say that before meeting her third husband, she had reached a place of satisfaction with her life, and with herself, and she wasn't looking for a relationship. She had, however, decided that were a possibility to present itself, (himself) she was at the very least, open to the idea. In the spirit of that, she decided to sit down and make a list of what she required in a man. When she finished, her list contained 70 items.
I was awestruck. Several months before meeting Robert, while out walking one day, and talking to my Higher Power as I often do on solitary walks, I had said that if I was ever to get involved with a man again, I'd like him to have integrity, be capable of loving me, be someone I could love, and be a man I could trust and respect.
This woman and I were similar, in that we each felt that were we to get involved again, we needed some fundamental character traits to exist in a potential partner before we were willing to even consider becoming friends with him. My list was considerably shorter than hers, but that may have more to do with my having been in Al-Anon for many years, and having discovered that in order for me to be happy, I need to be more focused upon who I am and what I'm doing, and less upon what someone else is doing.
I have grown to like simplicity. This doesn't make my list right and hers wrong, it just makes them different. But I like to believe that there is more similarity between the two of us than there is difference. In our middle age, we each learned that we could be happy in ourselves, that we didn't need a partner to feel complete and satisfied. Neither of us was actively looking. That's also the case for Robert - he wasn't out looking for a partner.
So many times in my life, it has been when I've finally let go and accepted that I don't have something, and decided to be content and satisfied without it, that it will appear for the taking. I don't know how this works, I just know that it does. And pretending that I'm fine without it doesn't fool the universe in the slightest, I have to have truly turned it over, and let it go completely.
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Some stay around for a while, some drop in and have only a few things to impart before moving on, and we may never see them again. This woman today felt like a teacher for me, and delighted me with her ability to impart her message with clarity and humour. Life is grand.
Showing posts with label turn it over. Show all posts
Showing posts with label turn it over. Show all posts
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Waiting, or Living?
So much of my life was spent waiting, rather than living. As a child, I waited to be adopted, believing that when I was adopted, I would finally be happy, secure in a family of my own, loved, free of the fear and anxiety I felt being moved from pillar to post, one foster home after another. Back then, 50 years ago now, a child was moved from a foster home if it was felt that he or she was becoming too attached to the foster parent. This is an excellent way to create an adult incapable of commitment, for fear that the loved one will be snatched away, just as every person one dared to care for as a child was snatched away.
When finally adopted at the age of six, I realised very quickly that my new home was not going to be much of an improvement on the foster homes, because my adopted mother was a woman so full of rage and fear that she was unable to nurture or love a child. She used physical force to get her point across, and beat me regularly. I settled down to wait until I was sixteen, and could leave home.
(It wasn't until I was an adult, sitting in the kitchen one day with my first husband's youngest daughter upon my lap, chatting to me about a movie she'd seen, and playing with my then waist-length hair, that it struck me how frail and delicate she was - her hands and wrists were tiny. I'd been told for many years that the beatings I suffered were my own fault, that I had caused them through my own choices. I took that information and internalised it, accepted it in some internal measuring place we all have. It wasn't until that day in my kitchen, that it struck me all at once - I had been about the size of the little girl in my arms, and there was no way a child that age or size could have "deserved" the beatings that were administered to me. I just wasn't that "bad.")
When I left my adoptive home I quickly became involved with a raging alcoholic - my first husband. For ten years I hoped that he would change, and waited for things to improve, so I could be happy. It didn't happen, and I left that marriage no happier than I'd entered.
My second husband was a sober alcoholic, but not in recovery. His ego was the size of a mastodon, and I was miserable in that marriage, too. I had figured out very quickly, when he moved me to a town in which he'd lived before, where he felt comfortable and I knew no-one, that he didn't care how I felt, as long as he was content. I tried to work my Al-Anon program and accept my lot in life, but I had the feeling that there must be more to life, and to a relationship.
When I left that marriage a year and 3 months ago, I grieved for my little dog, whom I'd had for six years, but had to give back to the breeder. I knew I'd never be able to afford to look after her the way she deserved, since I was going to be living on a disability pension. I grieved for her, and for the death of my dear friend, who had died a few months prior to my leaving.
During that marriage, I had learned to find happiness in my friendships and my siblings, in gardening and art., but on some level, I was still waiting.
Alone, and once again living in the city I love and where I feel at home, I had begun to find a real happiness, and life was a wonderful adventure. I met Robert after almost a year, and we became first friends, and then as we realised how well matched we are, more than friends. I found myself eagerly anticipating the next time we got together, for the conversation was wide-ranging, our interests intersected in plants and gardening, and other areas of life, and we can make each other howl with laughter. I slowly, ever-so-slowly, allowed him access to the part of my character which had before then been closed away for over 50 years - my deepest feelings. I trust him completely, and it's an astounding feeling, this amazing trust. I had stopped waiting, because life had given me everything about which I'd dreamed.
We had 3 months of bliss uninterrupted, then I was diagnosed with cancer. I began once again to wait, but the waiting was of a very different kind this time around, because I have a partner who waits with me, for the tests to take place, and soon, for the results of the tests. I'll know on Oct 10th exactly what it is that I am facing, whether surgery is an option, or if the prognosis is grim. This time, I have only been waiting for short periods of time before I've pushed that thinking right out of my head, and gone back to dealing with the glorious delight of daily life in a relationship with a man I'm crazy in love with, who loves me. Somehow, even facing the most frightening possibility of my life, I am waking up full of joy and delight, turning to catch sight of my beloved's sleepy face on the pillow beside me, and greeting him with a bursting affection.
I'm waiting for the results of the tests, but I am also living in a way unknown to me before now, and this I wouldn't give up for a clean bill of health. I'll take it all, good and not-so-great, because all of it makes up my life, and life is good.
When finally adopted at the age of six, I realised very quickly that my new home was not going to be much of an improvement on the foster homes, because my adopted mother was a woman so full of rage and fear that she was unable to nurture or love a child. She used physical force to get her point across, and beat me regularly. I settled down to wait until I was sixteen, and could leave home.
(It wasn't until I was an adult, sitting in the kitchen one day with my first husband's youngest daughter upon my lap, chatting to me about a movie she'd seen, and playing with my then waist-length hair, that it struck me how frail and delicate she was - her hands and wrists were tiny. I'd been told for many years that the beatings I suffered were my own fault, that I had caused them through my own choices. I took that information and internalised it, accepted it in some internal measuring place we all have. It wasn't until that day in my kitchen, that it struck me all at once - I had been about the size of the little girl in my arms, and there was no way a child that age or size could have "deserved" the beatings that were administered to me. I just wasn't that "bad.")
When I left my adoptive home I quickly became involved with a raging alcoholic - my first husband. For ten years I hoped that he would change, and waited for things to improve, so I could be happy. It didn't happen, and I left that marriage no happier than I'd entered.
My second husband was a sober alcoholic, but not in recovery. His ego was the size of a mastodon, and I was miserable in that marriage, too. I had figured out very quickly, when he moved me to a town in which he'd lived before, where he felt comfortable and I knew no-one, that he didn't care how I felt, as long as he was content. I tried to work my Al-Anon program and accept my lot in life, but I had the feeling that there must be more to life, and to a relationship.
When I left that marriage a year and 3 months ago, I grieved for my little dog, whom I'd had for six years, but had to give back to the breeder. I knew I'd never be able to afford to look after her the way she deserved, since I was going to be living on a disability pension. I grieved for her, and for the death of my dear friend, who had died a few months prior to my leaving.
During that marriage, I had learned to find happiness in my friendships and my siblings, in gardening and art., but on some level, I was still waiting.
Alone, and once again living in the city I love and where I feel at home, I had begun to find a real happiness, and life was a wonderful adventure. I met Robert after almost a year, and we became first friends, and then as we realised how well matched we are, more than friends. I found myself eagerly anticipating the next time we got together, for the conversation was wide-ranging, our interests intersected in plants and gardening, and other areas of life, and we can make each other howl with laughter. I slowly, ever-so-slowly, allowed him access to the part of my character which had before then been closed away for over 50 years - my deepest feelings. I trust him completely, and it's an astounding feeling, this amazing trust. I had stopped waiting, because life had given me everything about which I'd dreamed.
We had 3 months of bliss uninterrupted, then I was diagnosed with cancer. I began once again to wait, but the waiting was of a very different kind this time around, because I have a partner who waits with me, for the tests to take place, and soon, for the results of the tests. I'll know on Oct 10th exactly what it is that I am facing, whether surgery is an option, or if the prognosis is grim. This time, I have only been waiting for short periods of time before I've pushed that thinking right out of my head, and gone back to dealing with the glorious delight of daily life in a relationship with a man I'm crazy in love with, who loves me. Somehow, even facing the most frightening possibility of my life, I am waking up full of joy and delight, turning to catch sight of my beloved's sleepy face on the pillow beside me, and greeting him with a bursting affection.
I'm waiting for the results of the tests, but I am also living in a way unknown to me before now, and this I wouldn't give up for a clean bill of health. I'll take it all, good and not-so-great, because all of it makes up my life, and life is good.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
AA Rally
Last night was the start of this weekend's local AA rally. A program friend gave me a ticket as a gift, and I went with my beloved sponsor, and a woman I sponsor, whose courage for the program invigorates and inspires me. Rallies have an energy which is uplifting and powerful. One of my favourite moments at an AA rally is the countdown to sobriety. That's happening tonight, and the three of us are going back for another evening of laughter and wisdom, and then again Sunday morning, to hear the Spiritual speakers.
I'm thinking I might drop in this afternoon for the "Old-Timers sharing - 30 plus years of sobriety" I like to hear people talk about how sobriety has changed for them over the years. It seems that once the first overwhelming compulsion to drink has been removed, and a few years of sobriety has been gained, that to keep a solid program going, many people turn more to the spiritual side of the program.
Listening to the AA speaker last night, when he quoted "God could and would, if he were sought" I realised just how much my seeking has changed over the time I've been in Al-Anon. My seeking at the start, 28 years ago, consisted of my asking from my Higher Power, that I be granted my own will.
It took me years to be able, or willing, to grasp that what I was asking was doomed to failure, and that if I kept on along that path, I was never going to be able to trust my Higher Power, because I was going to continually be operating under the belief that I would never be granted that for which I was asking.
When my seeking changed from wanting my own will to asking for help, guidance and comfort, my program took a huge leap forward, because the results were swift, breath-taking, and hugely powerful in changing my thinking. I, like other old-timers in program that I've heard, can see that my progress in understanding and acceptance, and my level of serenity, grew deeper in the last ten years than in the almost 20 years prior to it. I don't know if it's because my stubbornness kept me plodding along a path that led nowhere but back to myself, or if my fear was the culprit (a favourite AA speaker talks often about the fact that it isn't that we're afraid that true honest prayer for God's help won't work, we fear that it will work, and then where will we be, with our ideas about life?) -whatever the reason, when I began to ask for help instead of to be granted my will, everything changed, not the least of which was me.
I began to let go of things I'd had a steely grip upon for years, because I just couldn't trust enough to let them go. I accepted, and I turned over the clutter which had been clogging my thinking before then. That's when I knew I was going to have to leave my marriage, because I didn't want to live with my husband'd anger for one more day. When my friend took ill with cancer, and died within 3 months of his diagnosis, it was a turning point for me, I looked around at my life, and thought, "That could be me, I don't want my last 3 months of life to be lived in this environment of anger, with a man who is so self-absorbed he cannot really see me." With my husband's illness, his self-absorption is understandable, I'm grateful on a daily basis that I'm here now, and not still there.
If I'm going to make it to the library, and the old-timer's sharing, I need to get ready now. Take care, and may your day be blessed with beauty and serenity.
I'm thinking I might drop in this afternoon for the "Old-Timers sharing - 30 plus years of sobriety" I like to hear people talk about how sobriety has changed for them over the years. It seems that once the first overwhelming compulsion to drink has been removed, and a few years of sobriety has been gained, that to keep a solid program going, many people turn more to the spiritual side of the program.
Listening to the AA speaker last night, when he quoted "God could and would, if he were sought" I realised just how much my seeking has changed over the time I've been in Al-Anon. My seeking at the start, 28 years ago, consisted of my asking from my Higher Power, that I be granted my own will.
It took me years to be able, or willing, to grasp that what I was asking was doomed to failure, and that if I kept on along that path, I was never going to be able to trust my Higher Power, because I was going to continually be operating under the belief that I would never be granted that for which I was asking.
When my seeking changed from wanting my own will to asking for help, guidance and comfort, my program took a huge leap forward, because the results were swift, breath-taking, and hugely powerful in changing my thinking. I, like other old-timers in program that I've heard, can see that my progress in understanding and acceptance, and my level of serenity, grew deeper in the last ten years than in the almost 20 years prior to it. I don't know if it's because my stubbornness kept me plodding along a path that led nowhere but back to myself, or if my fear was the culprit (a favourite AA speaker talks often about the fact that it isn't that we're afraid that true honest prayer for God's help won't work, we fear that it will work, and then where will we be, with our ideas about life?) -whatever the reason, when I began to ask for help instead of to be granted my will, everything changed, not the least of which was me.
I began to let go of things I'd had a steely grip upon for years, because I just couldn't trust enough to let them go. I accepted, and I turned over the clutter which had been clogging my thinking before then. That's when I knew I was going to have to leave my marriage, because I didn't want to live with my husband'd anger for one more day. When my friend took ill with cancer, and died within 3 months of his diagnosis, it was a turning point for me, I looked around at my life, and thought, "That could be me, I don't want my last 3 months of life to be lived in this environment of anger, with a man who is so self-absorbed he cannot really see me." With my husband's illness, his self-absorption is understandable, I'm grateful on a daily basis that I'm here now, and not still there.
If I'm going to make it to the library, and the old-timer's sharing, I need to get ready now. Take care, and may your day be blessed with beauty and serenity.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Turning The Page.
I seem unable to write, lately. Or I can write, I just erase it all as soon as I read it over for editing purposes. (I've spent 2 hours trying to write a letter to my brother, who has been nothing but accepting and encouraging) The truth of my pain on ending my marriage of 17 years has more to do with loss of the dream than the relationship. The alcoholic had burnt away my feelings for him with his repeated lies.
One effect of all of this is that I cannot write upon my blog in the way I am accustomed: my old coping mechanisms are no longer needed, and in their passing is a freedom I'm not sure how to utilise.
I will be using the Al-Anon literature to help me through this writer's block. Please bear with me if my posts change form for a while.
One effect of all of this is that I cannot write upon my blog in the way I am accustomed: my old coping mechanisms are no longer needed, and in their passing is a freedom I'm not sure how to utilise.
I will be using the Al-Anon literature to help me through this writer's block. Please bear with me if my posts change form for a while.
Monday, June 11, 2012
My Imagination LImits Me.
I was out for a dogwalk with a good friend yesterday, and when a vehicle stopped to allow us to cross, we realised it contained someone we both knew - I knew the passenger, and she knew the driver. It was quite funny in its way, and what happened later on in my evening was even funnier, because it once again reminded me of the ways in which my own imagination limits me. I have learned this life lesson repeatedly during my time in Al-Anon, and I still seem able to forget it. What I find even more interesting is the fact that this limitation extends in only one direction - the positive. I can easily imagine, were I to allow it, various and myriad terrible outcomes, and I've spent many miserable hours of my life doing this - it's called worrying.
It's the possible 'amazing and wonderful' outcomes which don't spring to my mind with equal ease. Seems that every time I believe that I've imagined every way in which a situation could resolve itself positively, and then get tired of this mental chatter and decide to turn it over to my Higher Power, to let it go, it will be resolved in a manner which astounds and delights me, because it will happen in a way that wouldn't have occurred to me had I thought about it for a dozen years.
An elderly member in my first meeting group once made us all howl with laughter by saying with a hint of irritation in her voice that she thought her Higher Power was a bit of a showoff, really. I might be too, if I could imagine the same elegantly perfect solutions
It's the possible 'amazing and wonderful' outcomes which don't spring to my mind with equal ease. Seems that every time I believe that I've imagined every way in which a situation could resolve itself positively, and then get tired of this mental chatter and decide to turn it over to my Higher Power, to let it go, it will be resolved in a manner which astounds and delights me, because it will happen in a way that wouldn't have occurred to me had I thought about it for a dozen years.
An elderly member in my first meeting group once made us all howl with laughter by saying with a hint of irritation in her voice that she thought her Higher Power was a bit of a showoff, really. I might be too, if I could imagine the same elegantly perfect solutions
Friday, April 20, 2012
A Week Of Letting Go.
Last night a friend asked how I was, and I replied, "I've had a week of letting go." My friend with cancer is getting worse shockingly quickly, and my much beloved female mini-dachshund hurt her back. The phone company is "upgrading service" in our area, our phone stopped working, the repair guy who came to fix it was rude, (so rude that I asked him to please leave and I'd contact the phone company to ask that they send someone else out.) another friend was annoyed with me because I wasn't willing to go out for a social outing, leaving my little dog at home, in pain and frightened because of it, every sponsee I have seemed to need to debrief with me, I'm way behind answering the emails from this blog - we've all lived through this kind of week, one thing after another, in rapid succession, no time to process the last before being presented with a new.
I do what I can to put out the immediate fires, and let the rest burn, I look after my dog, answer the now-fixed phone, write an email when I get the chance, deal with sponsees when they call or come over, remember to eat, sleep, and try for moments of relaxation.
I'm trying not to worry about my ill friend, but his rapid decline is terrifying; last night I said to my husband that I was worried that he wouldn't live long enough to have his surgery, booked for 2 weeks from now. When I think of him, I send him love, ask my Higher Power to grant him relief from pain, enough sleep, some pleasure in his life to make him laugh, and I turn him over - I can do nothing more than that, I have no power to cure him. I must let go of what I want, and work to accept what will be.
I can't cure my little dog's back problems, I can only do my utmost to safeguard her health, and make her life a good one.
I've had a week of letting go, and I am powerfully grateful that my home group meeting is tonight.
I do what I can to put out the immediate fires, and let the rest burn, I look after my dog, answer the now-fixed phone, write an email when I get the chance, deal with sponsees when they call or come over, remember to eat, sleep, and try for moments of relaxation.
I'm trying not to worry about my ill friend, but his rapid decline is terrifying; last night I said to my husband that I was worried that he wouldn't live long enough to have his surgery, booked for 2 weeks from now. When I think of him, I send him love, ask my Higher Power to grant him relief from pain, enough sleep, some pleasure in his life to make him laugh, and I turn him over - I can do nothing more than that, I have no power to cure him. I must let go of what I want, and work to accept what will be.
I can't cure my little dog's back problems, I can only do my utmost to safeguard her health, and make her life a good one.
I've had a week of letting go, and I am powerfully grateful that my home group meeting is tonight.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Anticipating Trouble.
When I was new to Al-Anon, one old-timer in my home group had a few stock phrases which used to make me gnash my teeth in silent irritation. (I've become so much less irritable, that I might almost be a different species than the frightened, anxious, angry woman who first entered an Al-Anon meeting 26 years ago.)
One of this member's pet phrases was: "Don't awfulise." I found this supremely annoying when I was the recipient, because I believed that anticipating trouble was nothing more than careful planning. I didn't understand that she was simply trying to offer the crazed newcomer that I was, a way to find some serenity from the madhouse between my ears. I understood it to mean that she thought I was exaggerating, and I felt offended. I thought she was oversimplifying, and that my life was far too complicated for little two-word phrases to be of any help.
Now, as is the way in 12-Step, I say to my sponsees, when they begin to get themselves worked up about what might happen if this, or that, or even that takes place, "I think you're awfulising. Try to stay in the moment."
Staying in the moment means that I must completely, willingly, with gratitude, give up all of the mental tortures with which I occupied so much of my time. Anticipating trouble took up a great deal of my waking hours. I could work out huge long interconnected horrifying possibilities, and create much misery for myself doing it. I'd imagine a terrible outcome, and then feel depressed about it.
That's insanity, to be feeling upset and depressed about an imaginary outcome. My first sponsor pointed out that these outcomes were never positive, only and always negative. I was scaring the dickens out of myself with things that might never happen. She taught me to pay attention to my internal dialogue, and when I started up anticipating trouble, to "switch channels" to the one in which my Higher Power was taking good care of me, and I could just go for a dogwalk and relax.
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."
Mark Twain
Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
One of this member's pet phrases was: "Don't awfulise." I found this supremely annoying when I was the recipient, because I believed that anticipating trouble was nothing more than careful planning. I didn't understand that she was simply trying to offer the crazed newcomer that I was, a way to find some serenity from the madhouse between my ears. I understood it to mean that she thought I was exaggerating, and I felt offended. I thought she was oversimplifying, and that my life was far too complicated for little two-word phrases to be of any help.
Now, as is the way in 12-Step, I say to my sponsees, when they begin to get themselves worked up about what might happen if this, or that, or even that takes place, "I think you're awfulising. Try to stay in the moment."
Staying in the moment means that I must completely, willingly, with gratitude, give up all of the mental tortures with which I occupied so much of my time. Anticipating trouble took up a great deal of my waking hours. I could work out huge long interconnected horrifying possibilities, and create much misery for myself doing it. I'd imagine a terrible outcome, and then feel depressed about it.
That's insanity, to be feeling upset and depressed about an imaginary outcome. My first sponsor pointed out that these outcomes were never positive, only and always negative. I was scaring the dickens out of myself with things that might never happen. She taught me to pay attention to my internal dialogue, and when I started up anticipating trouble, to "switch channels" to the one in which my Higher Power was taking good care of me, and I could just go for a dogwalk and relax.
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."
Mark Twain
Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Letting Go Of The String, Too.
Last night at coffee after the meeting, someone spoke of a kite analogy they'd heard used to describe the process of "letting go" - we must release not only the body of the kite itself, but also let go of the string. It does me no good to let the body of the kite rise away from me, if I've still got the string wrapped in a stranglehold around my neck.
This, as so often happens, is precisely what I most needed to hear right now. I've been watching myself trying to turn something over, and even though I sincerely desire the freedom I know I'll get when I achieve this, I can't quite manage to let go of that string. Or I let go, it falls from my hand to drag along the ground right in front of me, and I stoop to pick it up "just for a moment," and pretty soon, I'm in that same uncomfortable position of having my arm yanked up, with my shoulder aching from the constant pull.
Letting go of most of something, or almost letting go, or partly letting go, does not work.
I must release my (fearful) grasp, and watch the kite sail out of my reach, body, tail, string and all, come what may. I must be willing to lose sight of it completely, trusting that my HP will look after me. I must be willing to stop straining to see it - resolutely turn and walk in the opposite direction, opening my heart to gratitude. I pray for the willingness to relinquish my illusion of control. to let go of that string.
This, as so often happens, is precisely what I most needed to hear right now. I've been watching myself trying to turn something over, and even though I sincerely desire the freedom I know I'll get when I achieve this, I can't quite manage to let go of that string. Or I let go, it falls from my hand to drag along the ground right in front of me, and I stoop to pick it up "just for a moment," and pretty soon, I'm in that same uncomfortable position of having my arm yanked up, with my shoulder aching from the constant pull.
Letting go of most of something, or almost letting go, or partly letting go, does not work.
I must release my (fearful) grasp, and watch the kite sail out of my reach, body, tail, string and all, come what may. I must be willing to lose sight of it completely, trusting that my HP will look after me. I must be willing to stop straining to see it - resolutely turn and walk in the opposite direction, opening my heart to gratitude. I pray for the willingness to relinquish my illusion of control. to let go of that string.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Common Denominators - Hounding.
My dictionary defines hounding as "to pursue or harass without respite."
It doesn't matter why we do it - whether we are driven by fear or anger - our reason for doing this has not the slightest importance, although I've used that excuse to justify my constant pursuit and harassment of the alcoholics in my life. I've done it when I had no idea that I was being verbally abusive to keep repeating and repeating and repeating myself, and I've done it when I knew better, but was so angry I was unwilling to stop. I've hounded because I wanted to punish and control.
It was supremely difficult to learn to say it once, and then stop talking. I felt as though I wouldn't be heard were I not to pound my message home with repetition. And therein lies the truth of hounding - we are beating on the other person with our words. I'm sure we've all seen a dog cringing before a furious voice and menacing tone - we don't need to hit to be abusive. We can strike just as vicious a blow with "only words" - so did I defend myself to my first sponsor. The fact that we don't raise our voice, doesn't justify the use of words to hurt or shame.
I've had sponsees ask me, "But how do I make him see, if I don't repeat myself?" And I've given them that same blunt answer I received when I asked that question:
"You can't."
The 3 "C's" - We didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.
Giving up the illusion of control can be threatening. We may feel as though we're stepping out onto uncertain ground. What we need to understand is that it's not our place to try to walk for someone else. We each walk our own path in this life, and the sooner we grasp that basic truth, the sooner we will be free of illusions which keep us stuck in pain and fear.
Reconsider - do you really need to say what you're thinking? Is it kind? Is it helpful? Is it loving? If it is all of those, then say it once, and stop. If you're afraid you won't be able to do that, either don't start, or when you finish, remove yourself. Go for a walk, have a bath, read your program books or any other, finish a task; whatever works for you, go do it. Pray for peace - ask your Higher Power for serenity.
Let go.
It doesn't matter why we do it - whether we are driven by fear or anger - our reason for doing this has not the slightest importance, although I've used that excuse to justify my constant pursuit and harassment of the alcoholics in my life. I've done it when I had no idea that I was being verbally abusive to keep repeating and repeating and repeating myself, and I've done it when I knew better, but was so angry I was unwilling to stop. I've hounded because I wanted to punish and control.
It was supremely difficult to learn to say it once, and then stop talking. I felt as though I wouldn't be heard were I not to pound my message home with repetition. And therein lies the truth of hounding - we are beating on the other person with our words. I'm sure we've all seen a dog cringing before a furious voice and menacing tone - we don't need to hit to be abusive. We can strike just as vicious a blow with "only words" - so did I defend myself to my first sponsor. The fact that we don't raise our voice, doesn't justify the use of words to hurt or shame.
I've had sponsees ask me, "But how do I make him see, if I don't repeat myself?" And I've given them that same blunt answer I received when I asked that question:
"You can't."
The 3 "C's" - We didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.
Giving up the illusion of control can be threatening. We may feel as though we're stepping out onto uncertain ground. What we need to understand is that it's not our place to try to walk for someone else. We each walk our own path in this life, and the sooner we grasp that basic truth, the sooner we will be free of illusions which keep us stuck in pain and fear.
Reconsider - do you really need to say what you're thinking? Is it kind? Is it helpful? Is it loving? If it is all of those, then say it once, and stop. If you're afraid you won't be able to do that, either don't start, or when you finish, remove yourself. Go for a walk, have a bath, read your program books or any other, finish a task; whatever works for you, go do it. Pray for peace - ask your Higher Power for serenity.
Let go.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Do Your Own Research
When we moved into this house, it was the first time in twenty years or so that I'd had to deal with an oil furnace. We've had every other kind of heat imaginable, but not oil. One night shortly after moving in, I was out for coffee with friends after a meeting, and the topic of home heating came up, and I asked if the fuel companies offered equal payment plans, since a full tank of furnace oil can be costly. I was assured by everyone at the table that they may have done at one time, but didn't any longer, for whatever reason. I thought that strange, since the hydro and natural gas companies offer this service, but shrugged it off, and it slipped my mind.
When I decided weeks later to find out for myself, I discovered that they do offer this service. Now had you been with me at that table, you might have been momentarily convinced, as I was, that the opposite was true, so firmly was it stated. This is an aspect of human nature that I've always found utterly fascinating - we are never so convinced of our rightness, as when we are wrong.
My husband and I were trying to recall the name of something the other day, and he kept stating with great firmness, "It begins with a "C", I know that." Of course, when I finally went and looked it up, it didn't. We had a wonderful giggling fit over that one, and how convinced he'd been that he was right about the first letter, even if he couldn't remember the word itself.
I think what's going on when we speak so deteminedly about whatever it is that we don't know for certain, is wanting to be seen as a person with something to offer, whether that's information, knowledge, learning, whatever our individual egos seek. We have a fear of appearing stupid, or unevolved; we fear being judged as somehow lacking. When most of us are relative newcomers to program, we have such ferocious negative judgements of ourselves, that we tend to assume that other people will be judging us with that same harshness. As we begin to understand that inside a meeting, we will be met with love and understanding, we become more able to admit to our mistakes, and then our character defects.
I know that when I came into Al-Anon, I was not a person who was very capable of loving - not myself, and not other people. I have slowly learned how to love. I have seen love and caring demonstrated, and over time, began to want to be that way. Each step towards being more loving has required that I let go. The biggest letting go for me has always been fear - fear of so many aspects of life. Fear of failure/ fear of success: fear of other people/fear of lonliness: fear of being loved, and the resultant obligations/fear of never being loved, and the resultant misery: fear of getting close to my Higher Power, and having to let go of my character defects/fear of never letting go of my character defects, and because of that, never getting close to God....the list was endless.
I've noticed that in the last couple of years, I've had a huge leap forward in my spiritual growth. I believe that this is a direct result of my deciding to let go of more. Of everything, really. And deciding that I was going to try to live more in this moment - not just today, in right now. Right now, I'm writing. Right now, I'm walking the dogs and enjoying the scent of the breeze from the ocean. Right now, I'm pulling laundry from the washer, and putting it into the dryer, looking out the window and seeing the beauty of the giant cedar in our back yard.
Right now, I'm sitting in a chair in my livingroom, with a small warm dog sleeping in my arms, talking 12-Step to my husband, while the fire crackles and spits.
One AA speaker said something that rocked me: "Can you think of anything that doesn't take place in the moment?" For some reason, that one sentence kept popping into my head at the most interesting of times, reminding me that there is no other time but now. The same speaker talks about being "ravaged by thought" - that was another phrase that kept coming back. I was absolutely "ravaged by thought," when I was new to Al-Anon, and for many years into my recovery. I spent many years making my life a desperate misery in the present moment, by ravaging myself with thought.
The way it is inside my head now, pretty much as soon as I catch myself beginning to do that, I stop immediately, and ask my Higher Power to take whatever it is from me. I give it over with a sigh of gratitude, knowing I'm going to receive serenity. I've done that so much in my life, and I am not willing to do it one more hour of one more day. I don't know how long I've got on this planet before I die, but I want to let all of that crap go, and live my time joyously.
When I decided weeks later to find out for myself, I discovered that they do offer this service. Now had you been with me at that table, you might have been momentarily convinced, as I was, that the opposite was true, so firmly was it stated. This is an aspect of human nature that I've always found utterly fascinating - we are never so convinced of our rightness, as when we are wrong.
My husband and I were trying to recall the name of something the other day, and he kept stating with great firmness, "It begins with a "C", I know that." Of course, when I finally went and looked it up, it didn't. We had a wonderful giggling fit over that one, and how convinced he'd been that he was right about the first letter, even if he couldn't remember the word itself.
I think what's going on when we speak so deteminedly about whatever it is that we don't know for certain, is wanting to be seen as a person with something to offer, whether that's information, knowledge, learning, whatever our individual egos seek. We have a fear of appearing stupid, or unevolved; we fear being judged as somehow lacking. When most of us are relative newcomers to program, we have such ferocious negative judgements of ourselves, that we tend to assume that other people will be judging us with that same harshness. As we begin to understand that inside a meeting, we will be met with love and understanding, we become more able to admit to our mistakes, and then our character defects.
I know that when I came into Al-Anon, I was not a person who was very capable of loving - not myself, and not other people. I have slowly learned how to love. I have seen love and caring demonstrated, and over time, began to want to be that way. Each step towards being more loving has required that I let go. The biggest letting go for me has always been fear - fear of so many aspects of life. Fear of failure/ fear of success: fear of other people/fear of lonliness: fear of being loved, and the resultant obligations/fear of never being loved, and the resultant misery: fear of getting close to my Higher Power, and having to let go of my character defects/fear of never letting go of my character defects, and because of that, never getting close to God....the list was endless.
I've noticed that in the last couple of years, I've had a huge leap forward in my spiritual growth. I believe that this is a direct result of my deciding to let go of more. Of everything, really. And deciding that I was going to try to live more in this moment - not just today, in right now. Right now, I'm writing. Right now, I'm walking the dogs and enjoying the scent of the breeze from the ocean. Right now, I'm pulling laundry from the washer, and putting it into the dryer, looking out the window and seeing the beauty of the giant cedar in our back yard.
Right now, I'm sitting in a chair in my livingroom, with a small warm dog sleeping in my arms, talking 12-Step to my husband, while the fire crackles and spits.
One AA speaker said something that rocked me: "Can you think of anything that doesn't take place in the moment?" For some reason, that one sentence kept popping into my head at the most interesting of times, reminding me that there is no other time but now. The same speaker talks about being "ravaged by thought" - that was another phrase that kept coming back. I was absolutely "ravaged by thought," when I was new to Al-Anon, and for many years into my recovery. I spent many years making my life a desperate misery in the present moment, by ravaging myself with thought.
The way it is inside my head now, pretty much as soon as I catch myself beginning to do that, I stop immediately, and ask my Higher Power to take whatever it is from me. I give it over with a sigh of gratitude, knowing I'm going to receive serenity. I've done that so much in my life, and I am not willing to do it one more hour of one more day. I don't know how long I've got on this planet before I die, but I want to let all of that crap go, and live my time joyously.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Life Is An Ongoing Lesson.
From Courage to Change, page 280:
"Although the crisis that brought me to Al-Anon may be past, there is always something new to learn, even after years of recovery. We change. Opportunities for spiritual growth, as well as new character defects, pop up like weeds in a newly-mown lawn, and we find ourselves turning to the Steps for a fresh look."
My Higher Power seems to be offering me lessons in patience on a daily basis, in the last while. Or at least, that's what I thought. Until yesterday, when something further was illuminated, and I realised that another interpretation entirely was possible. It seems that whenever I am open to learning one lesson, and really try to surrender to it, my Higher Power will lead one step further down the path, and then another and another. I can start feeling somewhat like a new puppy being coaxed along with a treat, to learn a lesson - I'm focused on one thing, the "treat" and I don't even realise that I'm being taught something, until the lesson is over for that day.
Yesterday was one of those days. I had a period of struggle and self-doubt, and then realising what I was doing, decided to let it go, surrender to it. As soon as I did let go, a realisation was offered to me which was quite difficult to accept. But I know, if I know anything, that these are the lessons which are powerfully helpful in the long run, the ones I have to choke down in the moment, so I tried to be open, and not shrug it off.
So that's where I'm at today, still fresh from yesterday's lesson, feeling a little bruised in my ego (blasted ego!) but accepting, and on the other side of the amend I made, once I understood the message.
Today is another new day in which I can practise these principles in all my affairs. I'm grateful for the blessings in my life, and the love which surrounds me.
"Although the crisis that brought me to Al-Anon may be past, there is always something new to learn, even after years of recovery. We change. Opportunities for spiritual growth, as well as new character defects, pop up like weeds in a newly-mown lawn, and we find ourselves turning to the Steps for a fresh look."
My Higher Power seems to be offering me lessons in patience on a daily basis, in the last while. Or at least, that's what I thought. Until yesterday, when something further was illuminated, and I realised that another interpretation entirely was possible. It seems that whenever I am open to learning one lesson, and really try to surrender to it, my Higher Power will lead one step further down the path, and then another and another. I can start feeling somewhat like a new puppy being coaxed along with a treat, to learn a lesson - I'm focused on one thing, the "treat" and I don't even realise that I'm being taught something, until the lesson is over for that day.
Yesterday was one of those days. I had a period of struggle and self-doubt, and then realising what I was doing, decided to let it go, surrender to it. As soon as I did let go, a realisation was offered to me which was quite difficult to accept. But I know, if I know anything, that these are the lessons which are powerfully helpful in the long run, the ones I have to choke down in the moment, so I tried to be open, and not shrug it off.
So that's where I'm at today, still fresh from yesterday's lesson, feeling a little bruised in my ego (blasted ego!) but accepting, and on the other side of the amend I made, once I understood the message.
Today is another new day in which I can practise these principles in all my affairs. I'm grateful for the blessings in my life, and the love which surrounds me.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Reader Questions
"How do you set boundaries with an alcoholic? Do you continue to let them live in your home? I just found your blog through Syd's so I really don't know your living situation. Many people say throw the alcoholic out, let them suffer the consequences of their drinking. What is your take on this?"
-------------------------------------------------------
Some members of Al-Anon are able to live with a partner, child or other family member who is still drinking, and in spite of that, create a satisfying life for themselves - I'm not one of them. I lived with active alcoholism for the ten years my first marriage lasted, and it was utter chaos. When I married my second husband, he'd been sober for 8 years, so I considered him "cured." I'd been in Al-Anon for a while by then, but was still relatively ignorant about the disease of alcoholism, and didn't understand that sobriety and recovery were not synonymous. I had some heavy denial operating around this, and have written about that here and here.
I do know that in both my first marriage, and this one, it's a painful truth that as long as I would tolerate unacceptable behavior, that's just what I got. Without consequences, there was no change.
It wasn't until I set clear boundaries, and became willing to deal with the results of setting and maintaining them, that behavior improved slightly. It wasn't until I began to consistenly challenge insults and blaming, and to say, "Please don't speak to me in that tone of voice" that they'd back down, apologise, and be more polite.
It's a truism that we teach people how to treat us. Some folks will not respect us, unless we demand respect, and ensure that there will be consequences when they trespass against our boundaries. This consequence may be a refusal to do favours, it may be a calm and polite challenge of their treatment of us - whatever works for us. Perhaps it's a detachment and removal of our emotional connections.
I'm a strong proponent of the "don't give advice" school - I can't know the best course of action for you - only you can.
I can listen, I can help you reason things out, I can sponsor and support you, but I don't give advice. Best of luck, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.
-------------------------------------------------------
Some members of Al-Anon are able to live with a partner, child or other family member who is still drinking, and in spite of that, create a satisfying life for themselves - I'm not one of them. I lived with active alcoholism for the ten years my first marriage lasted, and it was utter chaos. When I married my second husband, he'd been sober for 8 years, so I considered him "cured." I'd been in Al-Anon for a while by then, but was still relatively ignorant about the disease of alcoholism, and didn't understand that sobriety and recovery were not synonymous. I had some heavy denial operating around this, and have written about that here and here.
I do know that in both my first marriage, and this one, it's a painful truth that as long as I would tolerate unacceptable behavior, that's just what I got. Without consequences, there was no change.
It wasn't until I set clear boundaries, and became willing to deal with the results of setting and maintaining them, that behavior improved slightly. It wasn't until I began to consistenly challenge insults and blaming, and to say, "Please don't speak to me in that tone of voice" that they'd back down, apologise, and be more polite.
It's a truism that we teach people how to treat us. Some folks will not respect us, unless we demand respect, and ensure that there will be consequences when they trespass against our boundaries. This consequence may be a refusal to do favours, it may be a calm and polite challenge of their treatment of us - whatever works for us. Perhaps it's a detachment and removal of our emotional connections.
I'm a strong proponent of the "don't give advice" school - I can't know the best course of action for you - only you can.
I can listen, I can help you reason things out, I can sponsor and support you, but I don't give advice. Best of luck, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Pulling On My Hair.
When a friend in Al-Anon is having a bad day, and I ask how she's doing, she'll respond cheerfully, "Oh, pulling on my hair!" That one sentence encapsulates all the things we've discussed over the years, about living with an alcoholic, and not relinquishing our sanity in the process.
I'm feeling completely surrendered today. It's a wonderful, peaceful feeling. I know (again) that I am powerless. I'd like to be able to be supportive to the alcoholic as they struggle through their painful feelings about the loss of the friendship, but that's just not possible - when I try, the anger is simply redirected onto me.
I spoke to a program friend late last night, and we ended up in helpless laughing fits, describing to each other, the crazed thinking of our own early recovery. That helped me. Today, I feel compassion for the alcoholic's inability to say, "This hurts! I'm angry and frustrated, and I am mourning the loss of this friendship." I remember what an awful lonely place it was, when I was trying to pretend that I was "fine."
I remember the self-loathing, and how it affected my relationships with other people, and my inability to act with love when I was angry or in pain. I remember denying I was angry, while my heart pounded, and my hands shook with the intensity of my rage. I really was a crazy person.
No-one in Al-Anon ever told me how to change, or what to change - I changed because I could see their serenity, and I desired it with a powerful longing.
I pray for detachment to allow the alcoholic room to grow at their own pace, and compassion for their struggle.
I'm feeling completely surrendered today. It's a wonderful, peaceful feeling. I know (again) that I am powerless. I'd like to be able to be supportive to the alcoholic as they struggle through their painful feelings about the loss of the friendship, but that's just not possible - when I try, the anger is simply redirected onto me.
I spoke to a program friend late last night, and we ended up in helpless laughing fits, describing to each other, the crazed thinking of our own early recovery. That helped me. Today, I feel compassion for the alcoholic's inability to say, "This hurts! I'm angry and frustrated, and I am mourning the loss of this friendship." I remember what an awful lonely place it was, when I was trying to pretend that I was "fine."
I remember the self-loathing, and how it affected my relationships with other people, and my inability to act with love when I was angry or in pain. I remember denying I was angry, while my heart pounded, and my hands shook with the intensity of my rage. I really was a crazy person.
No-one in Al-Anon ever told me how to change, or what to change - I changed because I could see their serenity, and I desired it with a powerful longing.
I pray for detachment to allow the alcoholic room to grow at their own pace, and compassion for their struggle.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Question
"Al-Anon talks about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. When I'm doing that "same thing," I really really believe it will turn out differently - how do I get past that blind spot?"
I have learned that I can have habits and patterns of thinking, which may seem to me quite reasonable, but which, when brought out into the light of day and discussed with another human being, sound rather deranged, in their denial of reality and experience.
It's all very well to have hope, and a positive attitude. For me, it was not that so much, as it was stubborn determination to achieve a desired result. This is where working the Steps with a sponsor can be so useful. A sponsor can help us to realise when we are not being honest with ourselves. A sponsor can act as a touchstone of grounded serenity. An Al-Anon friend jokes that she started to change her behavior, not because she thought she should, or believed that she was in the wrong, mistaken or misguided, but because she couldn't stand having to discuss it with her sponsor afterwards.
I happen to believe that for most of us, we will keep on doing what we are doing until we're ready to stop; until then, nothing changes because nothing changes. We will find reasons dazzling in their complexity, with which to justify this fact of life. We aren't ready to change, because we haven't had enough yet. That is impossible to explain or understand, if you don't happen to have that kind of co-dependent thinking.
In a car, the side mirrors can be set in such a way as to remove the "blind spot" - Al-Anon has helped me to reset my thinking, so as to see more clearly the ways in which my attitudes and emotions caused me strife and frustration - to remove my blind spot.
"Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords: but, like all other pleasures immoderately enjoyed, the excesses of hope must be expiated by pain; and expectations improperly indulged must end in disappointment."
Samuel Johnson
Wise man, Samuel; he figured out for himself, what I had to attend 12-Step to learn.
My suggestion to you, is to get a sponsor if you don't yet have one, and since you already have an idea of where your "blind spot" is, talk it out with other Al-Anon members and your sponsor. Work the Steps. Surrender all of it, blind spot included, and turn it over. Ask your Higher Power for help.
I have learned that I can have habits and patterns of thinking, which may seem to me quite reasonable, but which, when brought out into the light of day and discussed with another human being, sound rather deranged, in their denial of reality and experience.
It's all very well to have hope, and a positive attitude. For me, it was not that so much, as it was stubborn determination to achieve a desired result. This is where working the Steps with a sponsor can be so useful. A sponsor can help us to realise when we are not being honest with ourselves. A sponsor can act as a touchstone of grounded serenity. An Al-Anon friend jokes that she started to change her behavior, not because she thought she should, or believed that she was in the wrong, mistaken or misguided, but because she couldn't stand having to discuss it with her sponsor afterwards.
I happen to believe that for most of us, we will keep on doing what we are doing until we're ready to stop; until then, nothing changes because nothing changes. We will find reasons dazzling in their complexity, with which to justify this fact of life. We aren't ready to change, because we haven't had enough yet. That is impossible to explain or understand, if you don't happen to have that kind of co-dependent thinking.
In a car, the side mirrors can be set in such a way as to remove the "blind spot" - Al-Anon has helped me to reset my thinking, so as to see more clearly the ways in which my attitudes and emotions caused me strife and frustration - to remove my blind spot.
"Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords: but, like all other pleasures immoderately enjoyed, the excesses of hope must be expiated by pain; and expectations improperly indulged must end in disappointment."
Samuel Johnson
Wise man, Samuel; he figured out for himself, what I had to attend 12-Step to learn.
My suggestion to you, is to get a sponsor if you don't yet have one, and since you already have an idea of where your "blind spot" is, talk it out with other Al-Anon members and your sponsor. Work the Steps. Surrender all of it, blind spot included, and turn it over. Ask your Higher Power for help.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Honesty Can Be Painful.
On occasion, one of my sponsees will ask for my input, then when I give it, either fall silent with one of those pregnant pauses, or be direct about what they're feeling, with a statement along the lines of: "Why did I phone you, you're telling me what I don't want to hear!"
I believe that not only will I be unable to puncture someone else's denial, it's not my place to try, and I do not say things lightly when discussing program. I stop to consider before I speak, and I try very hard to be guided by my Higher Power. Many times I will open my mouth, reconsider, and close it again. That's one of the greatest gifts I've received from 12-Step - learning to be peacefully silent.
I've learned that there are going to be times when what I say is not well-received: remember how easily and regularly I was offended by my first sponsor: remind myself that if I've been careful before I spoke, I need to let go of the outcome.
My being unable or unwilling to be honest in my relationships, not only with the alcoholics in my life, but with everyone, was my part in the problems between us. I gave a false impression of who I was, and what was acceptable, when I didn't speak up. I can come up with many reasons for why I was this way, and how my denial was fostered by my childhood experiences, and the effect of my first husband - a furiously angry alcoholic, who raged and bellowed and slammed and ranted. I can justify, I can explain, I can rationalise. At bottom of it all was/is fear.
I have been afraid that because honesty can be painful, something I said, would cause the other person to reject me. I was so terrified of rejection, that I was willing to pretend to be someone I was not. I was willing to live a lie, in order to be accepted.
Before Al-Anon, I didn't know that, rather than try to manipulate another human being into acceptance of me by pretense and people-pleasing, I could seek out those who would accept me for who I truly am, "as is." I didn't believe that I was acceptable. I based my self-value upon what I accomplished in a day - how "productive" and "helpful" I was. I still get twinges when I look back upon a day and see that I didn't get anything done that I'd planned, but I'm learning to let those pass by - noticed - but not leapt upon and used as a blunt instrument with which to belabor myself.
When someone wants me to be what I am not, do what I have said I won't, I don't need to be giving lectures on how they shouldn't be wanting these things from me - that's an exercise in futility, and only causes a rise in the tension, with no change in the wanting.
Life is what it is, there will be incidents when that wanting from another person, feels strong enough to momentarily overpower my sense of self. I'm learning that if I keep quiet, and pray for strength and courage from my Higher Power, the wave of their wanting will recede a bit, and I can stand up, shake myself off, and speak my truth with courtesy and kindness. If I am true to myself and search my motives fearlessly, I will be able to withstand whatever then results.
I don't have to like it. I don't have to remark upon it. I only have to be able to hear it, and let it go. It's not my problem. My problem is finding the courage to be honest about who I am. If I cannot find any courage within myself, I can pray to be granted some.
I believe that not only will I be unable to puncture someone else's denial, it's not my place to try, and I do not say things lightly when discussing program. I stop to consider before I speak, and I try very hard to be guided by my Higher Power. Many times I will open my mouth, reconsider, and close it again. That's one of the greatest gifts I've received from 12-Step - learning to be peacefully silent.
I've learned that there are going to be times when what I say is not well-received: remember how easily and regularly I was offended by my first sponsor: remind myself that if I've been careful before I spoke, I need to let go of the outcome.
My being unable or unwilling to be honest in my relationships, not only with the alcoholics in my life, but with everyone, was my part in the problems between us. I gave a false impression of who I was, and what was acceptable, when I didn't speak up. I can come up with many reasons for why I was this way, and how my denial was fostered by my childhood experiences, and the effect of my first husband - a furiously angry alcoholic, who raged and bellowed and slammed and ranted. I can justify, I can explain, I can rationalise. At bottom of it all was/is fear.
I have been afraid that because honesty can be painful, something I said, would cause the other person to reject me. I was so terrified of rejection, that I was willing to pretend to be someone I was not. I was willing to live a lie, in order to be accepted.
Before Al-Anon, I didn't know that, rather than try to manipulate another human being into acceptance of me by pretense and people-pleasing, I could seek out those who would accept me for who I truly am, "as is." I didn't believe that I was acceptable. I based my self-value upon what I accomplished in a day - how "productive" and "helpful" I was. I still get twinges when I look back upon a day and see that I didn't get anything done that I'd planned, but I'm learning to let those pass by - noticed - but not leapt upon and used as a blunt instrument with which to belabor myself.
When someone wants me to be what I am not, do what I have said I won't, I don't need to be giving lectures on how they shouldn't be wanting these things from me - that's an exercise in futility, and only causes a rise in the tension, with no change in the wanting.
Life is what it is, there will be incidents when that wanting from another person, feels strong enough to momentarily overpower my sense of self. I'm learning that if I keep quiet, and pray for strength and courage from my Higher Power, the wave of their wanting will recede a bit, and I can stand up, shake myself off, and speak my truth with courtesy and kindness. If I am true to myself and search my motives fearlessly, I will be able to withstand whatever then results.
I don't have to like it. I don't have to remark upon it. I only have to be able to hear it, and let it go. It's not my problem. My problem is finding the courage to be honest about who I am. If I cannot find any courage within myself, I can pray to be granted some.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Washing Or Spinning, It's All Just A Cycle.
Two of my favourite bloggers have posted today about two very different matters, but I came away with much the same feeling, after having read each post - it's a cycle: wait it out, work it out, and it will come to an end.
A Tradition study group I'm in, seems to have evolved down to myself, and one other person. I can either feel resistant and irritated about this, or I can accept it as meant to be, and go with it. When I'm in the wash cycle, being cleaned of old thinking, feeling fresh and revitalised, I can relax and let it happen. When I'm in the spin cycle, if I don't work my program, those thoughts in my head can take me over, and I end up dizzy, disoriented, and flattened out.
I used to believe that I could speed the cycle up by working my program harder than usual. I discovered that while I couldn't change the length of time it took to work through, I could change how I felt while it was happening. I've had to learn to let that be enough, to not kick and moan, when it's not finishing as quickly as I'd like.
It is what it is, and it takes however long it takes.
I can be peaceful even through a wild windstorm, if I trust my Higher Power not to drop a 100-foot tree upon my head. What I can't do, is turn off what's going on around me, that's out of my control, and is going to happen, whether I like it, dislike it, or feel enormous resentment about the whole damn thing.
I cannot change other people. I cannot change other people's cycles.
Taking someone else's inventory, has been, at various times in my life, almost my favourite pastime. I could spend hours engaged in it: winkling through their behavior and their choices and what they'd said, and how they'd looked when they said it, and what that meant....ad infinitum.
I'm trying to be kinder to myself when I forget to not do this; instead of berating myself, and adding to my unhappy feelings, I'm trying to laugh at myself, and let it go. I can choose to be kinder to myself. I deserve kindness.
Two days ago, I spoke to person A, called her by name, and she asked if I could go tell person B she wished to speak with her? I walked across the room to person B, opened my mouth to speak, and could not for the life of me remember the name of person A. It was gone. I've long since given up being irritated by this kind of thing. I prefer to laugh about it - were I to let it annoy me, I'd be annoyed so many times in a day, it would begin to have a negative impact upon my serenity.
I'm getting older, these things happen; how do I choose to deal with it? If I find it humourous, I'm guaranteed a good laugh several times today. I have found in Al-Anon, that if I can find humour in my frailties, I am more willing to work to give them up, and turn them over. Laughing helps to loosen their grip upon me.
A Tradition study group I'm in, seems to have evolved down to myself, and one other person. I can either feel resistant and irritated about this, or I can accept it as meant to be, and go with it. When I'm in the wash cycle, being cleaned of old thinking, feeling fresh and revitalised, I can relax and let it happen. When I'm in the spin cycle, if I don't work my program, those thoughts in my head can take me over, and I end up dizzy, disoriented, and flattened out.
I used to believe that I could speed the cycle up by working my program harder than usual. I discovered that while I couldn't change the length of time it took to work through, I could change how I felt while it was happening. I've had to learn to let that be enough, to not kick and moan, when it's not finishing as quickly as I'd like.
It is what it is, and it takes however long it takes.
I can be peaceful even through a wild windstorm, if I trust my Higher Power not to drop a 100-foot tree upon my head. What I can't do, is turn off what's going on around me, that's out of my control, and is going to happen, whether I like it, dislike it, or feel enormous resentment about the whole damn thing.
I cannot change other people. I cannot change other people's cycles.
Taking someone else's inventory, has been, at various times in my life, almost my favourite pastime. I could spend hours engaged in it: winkling through their behavior and their choices and what they'd said, and how they'd looked when they said it, and what that meant....ad infinitum.
I'm trying to be kinder to myself when I forget to not do this; instead of berating myself, and adding to my unhappy feelings, I'm trying to laugh at myself, and let it go. I can choose to be kinder to myself. I deserve kindness.
Two days ago, I spoke to person A, called her by name, and she asked if I could go tell person B she wished to speak with her? I walked across the room to person B, opened my mouth to speak, and could not for the life of me remember the name of person A. It was gone. I've long since given up being irritated by this kind of thing. I prefer to laugh about it - were I to let it annoy me, I'd be annoyed so many times in a day, it would begin to have a negative impact upon my serenity.
I'm getting older, these things happen; how do I choose to deal with it? If I find it humourous, I'm guaranteed a good laugh several times today. I have found in Al-Anon, that if I can find humour in my frailties, I am more willing to work to give them up, and turn them over. Laughing helps to loosen their grip upon me.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Impatience.
It dawned upon me today that I've always thought of impatience as being a "minor" character defect, worthy of change, absolutely, but one that could go in the "less vitally important" column on my seemingly ever-expanding list.
Right upon the heels of that realisation was another - impatience is demanding - of my partner, my Higher Power, myself. When I'm impatient, I'm demanding difference. As in change. As in control. I was rather surprised to realise this, because as mentioned above, I've though of impatience as being a minor blip in my journey to better personhood.
It's sobering to discover just how insidious my need/want/desire/demand/ for control really is. (Reminds me of bindweed in the garden - tendrils which appear delicate yet have the tensile strength of hardened steel, and roots which insinuate themselves into the most inacessible places.)
This is why I need my Higher Power's help in removing my character defects - I'm not even aware of them all, and when I am aware, I'm still able to minimise their affect upon my life.
Right upon the heels of that realisation was another - impatience is demanding - of my partner, my Higher Power, myself. When I'm impatient, I'm demanding difference. As in change. As in control. I was rather surprised to realise this, because as mentioned above, I've though of impatience as being a minor blip in my journey to better personhood.
It's sobering to discover just how insidious my need/want/desire/demand/ for control really is. (Reminds me of bindweed in the garden - tendrils which appear delicate yet have the tensile strength of hardened steel, and roots which insinuate themselves into the most inacessible places.)
This is why I need my Higher Power's help in removing my character defects - I'm not even aware of them all, and when I am aware, I'm still able to minimise their affect upon my life.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Sharks.
I was happily reading along in MrSponsorPants post for today and came to something which stopped me in my tracks, and caused me to sigh in recognition. It was this:
"...I knew, in the predatory, shark-like way which all alcoholics have..."
"Shark-like way". Exactly. That's got to be the best description of the part of each alcoholic which functions only for supreme self-interest, that I've ever come across. Those of us who have loved an alcoholic have had many of those experiences - gazing into the eyes of this person you love, and seeing nothing but cold distance - shark eyes.
Some days, when you look into their eyes, you see the person; this is probably what keeps half of us hoping - the fact that the shark isn't there all the time.
In Al-Anon, we learn not to debate with marine life - just get out of the water - you can't win an argument with a shark.
From Courage to Change, page 155:
"When we take Step One, we admit that we are powerless over this disease. We do not have the strength necessary to fight it....Only a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
and:
"By turning to my Higher Power for protection, rather than my wits or my will, I avail myself of the best possible defense."
A life-jacket is no defense against a Great White: my wits and my will are no defense against the cold insanity of alcoholism. I'm grateful that I can turn to my Higher Power, for comfort, strength, and humour, to reset my day at any time.
"...I knew, in the predatory, shark-like way which all alcoholics have..."
"Shark-like way". Exactly. That's got to be the best description of the part of each alcoholic which functions only for supreme self-interest, that I've ever come across. Those of us who have loved an alcoholic have had many of those experiences - gazing into the eyes of this person you love, and seeing nothing but cold distance - shark eyes.
Some days, when you look into their eyes, you see the person; this is probably what keeps half of us hoping - the fact that the shark isn't there all the time.
In Al-Anon, we learn not to debate with marine life - just get out of the water - you can't win an argument with a shark.
From Courage to Change, page 155:
"When we take Step One, we admit that we are powerless over this disease. We do not have the strength necessary to fight it....Only a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
and:
"By turning to my Higher Power for protection, rather than my wits or my will, I avail myself of the best possible defense."
A life-jacket is no defense against a Great White: my wits and my will are no defense against the cold insanity of alcoholism. I'm grateful that I can turn to my Higher Power, for comfort, strength, and humour, to reset my day at any time.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Oh Please, Not That Again!
I saw a doormat the other day, which read, "Oh no, not you again!" It reminded me of the cry of one sponsee I had years back, who was very determined to get her own way in each and every encounter with the alcoholic - so much so, that she would work out elaborate scenarios, in which she would set him up, just so she could chop him off at the knees. When she'd call me, to run these past me, I'd ask her what her motive was, and her initial reply was always the sentence I've chosen for the title of this post.
It's a thin dividing line between certainty and arrogance, and I can cross over without realising it, if I don't take care to be aware of my motives.
I know I've bored more than one sponsee over the years, with my "What would be your motive in responding that way/taking that action/making that statement?" questions, but I am a firm believer that most of us are fairly skilled at self-deception when it comes to our own motives.
I know I am. I can spin entire castles out of straw, when I'm determined to convince myself that something I'd like to do, or say, would be not only satisfying, but completely appropriate. I laughed today, reading MrSponsorPants :
"...some people get creative with their tax deductions -- stretching what qualifies as a write-off to comical degrees."
I was thinking about a friend who has a business, and does precisely that very thing. Hearing about his tax deductions has given me good practise in keeping my mouth firmly closed. I make noncommittal noises like "Mmmm?" in response, rather than saying what I truly think, since he isn't asking for my opinion, and I need the exercise in keeping silent.
My first sponsor used to suggest that I would benefit from talking less and listening more - I'd felt deeply offended by this suggestion, but working a Fourth Step made it clear to me that this was nothing more than the simple truth. I got to where she'd start the sentence, "Perhaps you'd benefit from talking.." and I'd interrupt her to finish it, "...less and listening more, yeah, yeah, I know." She'd fix me with that basilisk glare, and ask, "If you know it, why aren't you doing it?"
Why? Because I have a tendency towards arrogance, that's why.
(You get two, two, two co-dependents in one! The arrogant control freak, and the craven people-pleaser!)
Whenever I hear myself starting an argument inside my head with someone who is trying to tell me their truth, that's arrogance. Whenever I decide that I know how someone else should better run their life/ pick their partner/ do their job, I am falling into an arrogant mindset. And when I'm in that mindset, I am not teachable, because I've decided there's nothing here to learn, I know it all already.
When I'm feeling humble, I cringe to think of the times I am arrogant. When I'm arrogant, I feel a creeping unease that I'm not behaving the way I should, and it often only serves to harden my position at the time. I have to get away by myself, meditate, read some program literature, run whatever it is past my sponsor, and then I can see my arrogance clearly.
For me, it's almost always about fear. I'm afraid - of rejection, abandonment, loss, pain, sorrow. I have a tendency, developed in my earlier life, to leap straight from fear into anger, because anger feels powerful, and fear feels vulnerable. I was astonished the first day I realised that. It tilted my worldview sharply, to realise with a calm understanding that all those times I was stomping an angry road, I'd started down it, stumbling along in fear. When I'm afraid, I have a hard time admitting to it, because I see it as a weakness.
Where did this come from? Same place most of my insanity got started - in the craziness of my childhood. Before Al-Anon, I was still reacting like a small child who is terrified, but denies her fear even as she wets herself in terror.
Fear ruled my life. It still comes knocking, insisting that if I just let it in, it will tell me the real story. It tooks me years in Al-Anon to be able to get to a place where I could understand that my fears were possible, yes, but so was a positive outcome - it was 50/50 most times, so why did I never consider that?
When I'm in a fragile state emotionally, or ill, or fatigued, I am far more likely to fall back into that state of fearful dread of the future. Whatever is coming, I just know it won't be good. Times like that are when I become arrogant and controlling, stubborn and judgemental - all my character defects come rushing to the fore, willing and ready to take me over, if I allow it. A line in today's reading in the ODAT leapt out at me:
"No-one can distort my thinking unless I permit it."
That includes me, that "no-one."
It's a thin dividing line between certainty and arrogance, and I can cross over without realising it, if I don't take care to be aware of my motives.
I know I've bored more than one sponsee over the years, with my "What would be your motive in responding that way/taking that action/making that statement?" questions, but I am a firm believer that most of us are fairly skilled at self-deception when it comes to our own motives.
I know I am. I can spin entire castles out of straw, when I'm determined to convince myself that something I'd like to do, or say, would be not only satisfying, but completely appropriate. I laughed today, reading MrSponsorPants :
"...some people get creative with their tax deductions -- stretching what qualifies as a write-off to comical degrees."
I was thinking about a friend who has a business, and does precisely that very thing. Hearing about his tax deductions has given me good practise in keeping my mouth firmly closed. I make noncommittal noises like "Mmmm?" in response, rather than saying what I truly think, since he isn't asking for my opinion, and I need the exercise in keeping silent.
My first sponsor used to suggest that I would benefit from talking less and listening more - I'd felt deeply offended by this suggestion, but working a Fourth Step made it clear to me that this was nothing more than the simple truth. I got to where she'd start the sentence, "Perhaps you'd benefit from talking.." and I'd interrupt her to finish it, "...less and listening more, yeah, yeah, I know." She'd fix me with that basilisk glare, and ask, "If you know it, why aren't you doing it?"
Why? Because I have a tendency towards arrogance, that's why.
(You get two, two, two co-dependents in one! The arrogant control freak, and the craven people-pleaser!)
Whenever I hear myself starting an argument inside my head with someone who is trying to tell me their truth, that's arrogance. Whenever I decide that I know how someone else should better run their life/ pick their partner/ do their job, I am falling into an arrogant mindset. And when I'm in that mindset, I am not teachable, because I've decided there's nothing here to learn, I know it all already.
When I'm feeling humble, I cringe to think of the times I am arrogant. When I'm arrogant, I feel a creeping unease that I'm not behaving the way I should, and it often only serves to harden my position at the time. I have to get away by myself, meditate, read some program literature, run whatever it is past my sponsor, and then I can see my arrogance clearly.
For me, it's almost always about fear. I'm afraid - of rejection, abandonment, loss, pain, sorrow. I have a tendency, developed in my earlier life, to leap straight from fear into anger, because anger feels powerful, and fear feels vulnerable. I was astonished the first day I realised that. It tilted my worldview sharply, to realise with a calm understanding that all those times I was stomping an angry road, I'd started down it, stumbling along in fear. When I'm afraid, I have a hard time admitting to it, because I see it as a weakness.
Where did this come from? Same place most of my insanity got started - in the craziness of my childhood. Before Al-Anon, I was still reacting like a small child who is terrified, but denies her fear even as she wets herself in terror.
Fear ruled my life. It still comes knocking, insisting that if I just let it in, it will tell me the real story. It tooks me years in Al-Anon to be able to get to a place where I could understand that my fears were possible, yes, but so was a positive outcome - it was 50/50 most times, so why did I never consider that?
When I'm in a fragile state emotionally, or ill, or fatigued, I am far more likely to fall back into that state of fearful dread of the future. Whatever is coming, I just know it won't be good. Times like that are when I become arrogant and controlling, stubborn and judgemental - all my character defects come rushing to the fore, willing and ready to take me over, if I allow it. A line in today's reading in the ODAT leapt out at me:
"No-one can distort my thinking unless I permit it."
That includes me, that "no-one."
Monday, March 15, 2010
When They're Bent On Self-Destruction.
I know someone in program who has a history of never leaving a relationship until he has the next one lined up and ready to go. This becomes increasingly difficult, because with age comes wisdom, (wild generalisation, I know it, but work with me here) and the older he gets, the smaller, and wierder, the pool of willing partners becomes.
His most recent is, (to quote a cop friend of mine who has seen every type of human dysfunction, and still finds humour in life, I don't know how,) "differently wired."
Very differently. Scarily differently. I've had one encounter with this person, and all the hair on the back of my neck was standing at attention, while my internal alarm bells were ringing loudly enough to make thinking almost impossible - I wanted to get away, and I wanted to get away NOW.
The most alarming aspect of this latest partner, in my estimation, is the cloak of normality behind which the "different wiring" crouches. If I didn't have the training I've had in this area, I might not have caught the little "tells." But I have, and I did.
This led me to wonder, just what is it about my acquaintance's self that makes it impossible for him to be alone? Why does he continue to get himself into these relationships which always end so badly - each one seems worse than the one before?
I wondered aloud to my spouse who said briskly, "Not your problem, dear."
Right. Not my problem.
Learning that other people are not my problem is a blessing for my co-dependent personality. It isn't up to me to try to show anyone the error of their ways, and who am I to decide that they are erring in their ways, anyhow? Perhaps this is the lesson their Higher Power has chosen for them to learn, perhaps this is just the way things are. Perhaps, perhaps. I could go on at length with this, but it would all come down to the same thing - mind my own damn business.
I am powerless over other people. Many times, that realisation comes with a huge, heartfelt, sigh of relief.
His most recent is, (to quote a cop friend of mine who has seen every type of human dysfunction, and still finds humour in life, I don't know how,) "differently wired."
Very differently. Scarily differently. I've had one encounter with this person, and all the hair on the back of my neck was standing at attention, while my internal alarm bells were ringing loudly enough to make thinking almost impossible - I wanted to get away, and I wanted to get away NOW.
The most alarming aspect of this latest partner, in my estimation, is the cloak of normality behind which the "different wiring" crouches. If I didn't have the training I've had in this area, I might not have caught the little "tells." But I have, and I did.
This led me to wonder, just what is it about my acquaintance's self that makes it impossible for him to be alone? Why does he continue to get himself into these relationships which always end so badly - each one seems worse than the one before?
I wondered aloud to my spouse who said briskly, "Not your problem, dear."
Right. Not my problem.
Learning that other people are not my problem is a blessing for my co-dependent personality. It isn't up to me to try to show anyone the error of their ways, and who am I to decide that they are erring in their ways, anyhow? Perhaps this is the lesson their Higher Power has chosen for them to learn, perhaps this is just the way things are. Perhaps, perhaps. I could go on at length with this, but it would all come down to the same thing - mind my own damn business.
I am powerless over other people. Many times, that realisation comes with a huge, heartfelt, sigh of relief.
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