Monday, March 15, 2010

When They're Bent On Self-Destruction.

I know someone in program who has a history of never leaving a relationship until he has the next one lined up and ready to go. This becomes increasingly difficult, because with age comes wisdom, (wild generalisation, I know it, but work with me here) and the older he gets, the smaller, and wierder, the pool of willing partners becomes.

His most recent is, (to quote a cop friend of mine who has seen every type of human dysfunction, and still finds humour in life, I don't know how,) "differently wired."

Very differently. Scarily differently. I've had one encounter with this person, and all the hair on the back of my neck was standing at attention, while my internal alarm bells were ringing loudly enough to make thinking almost impossible - I wanted to get away, and I wanted to get away NOW.

The most alarming aspect of this latest partner, in my estimation, is the cloak of normality behind which the "different wiring" crouches. If I didn't have the training I've had in this area, I might not have caught the little "tells." But I have, and I did.

This led me to wonder, just what is it about my acquaintance's self that makes it impossible for him to be alone? Why does he continue to get himself into these relationships which always end so badly - each one seems worse than the one before?

I wondered aloud to my spouse who said briskly, "Not your problem, dear."

Right. Not my problem.

Learning that other people are not my problem is a blessing for my co-dependent personality. It isn't up to me to try to show anyone the error of their ways, and who am I to decide that they are erring in their ways, anyhow? Perhaps this is the lesson their Higher Power has chosen for them to learn, perhaps this is just the way things are. Perhaps, perhaps. I could go on at length with this, but it would all come down to the same thing - mind my own damn business.

I am powerless over other people. Many times, that realisation comes with a huge, heartfelt, sigh of relief.


  1. I had a lesson is minding my own business this weekend. It gets easier each time. I also have those signals I get when I am around people who are not as they appear to be. I listen to those signals now. It is scary how strong they can be sometimes. Yep..I'll keep on my side of the street today!

    Have a glorious Monday!


  2. I had that need to be with someone and have been with some interesting specimens that set off alarm bells in my friends, but somehow missed setting off mine. I was about to work on this with my therapist when my wife walked into my life. No alarm bells anywhere and we are very well suited for each other.

    Not sure why the relationship dependency, though I have a few theories. And I may never get to the bottom of it now that I'm happily married.

    My friends let me figure out my own path and though I would've loved for someone to tell me certain ex's were psycho, I needed to learn the lessons from each and every one of them in order to be ready to be happily married.

  3. I like to say to my myself--it doesn't have my name on it, so I don't pick it up. Great reminder to me to mind my own business and tend to what I need to do.