Consistently Untrustworthy.

I'm trying to learn to "trust my experiences more than the untrustworthy words of others." This has always been a stumbling block for me in program - several times, I've negated my feelings of caution regarding the level of trust I should place in a person I've met through Al-Anon, and then regretted it when my concerns have proven to be accurate.

As MrSponsorpants points out, attending 12-Step meetings for many years does not indicate recovery, any more than sitting in our garage turns us into a car.

When someone consistently stomps my set boundaries, or refuses to respect my heartfelt requests that there be "no gossip or criticism of one another" what are my choices?

I can "say it one more time."  (And just how often is that effective?)

I can fall silent and tolerate unacceptable behavior. This will cause me no end of discomfort,  resentment and unhappiness.

I can avoid them -  treat them with respect and courtesy when I encounter them at an Al-Anon meeting, but sidestep any invitations to get together.

I can take the difficult path of being kindly direct, letting them know exactly why I will not be seeing them socially in the future. With a sponsee new to Al-Anon, I have much more willingness to restate and restate my boundries, remind them that if they want to feel safe, they must behave in a safe fashion towards the other people in (and outside) the meeting. I certainly needed to learn to adopt an attitude of loving acceptance towards my fellow members of Al-Anon, I didn't arrive at the doors of the meetings rooms with it.

I don't want to spend my precious time with those who have attended meetings for many years, but who still do not respect the principles of 12-Step. I can like some aspects of their personalities, and still know that for me, they are not a safe person with whom I can be friends. I don't want to listen to gossip and criticism about the members of my home group, I find it extremely distressing.

Some days, there is no other way for me, but to say "Thanks, but no thanks." That's just life.

Question.

"Can you give some concrete examples of how you've changed, since being in Al-Anon?"

 Here's two from yesterday:

I went for lunch with a friend, to a small coffee shop near here. I ordered decaf, a chicken salad sandwich, and a cup of soup. The soup was barely warm, the coffee didn't come until I'd almost finished eating, and I received an egg salad sandwich instead of chicken salad, and you know what? None of it mattered. It was interesting to notice these things, but I had zero emotional response to them, it was more along the lines of "Look at that, egg instead of chicken - lots of mayonnaise, just the way I like it. This soup is delicious, could be warmer, but tastes marvellous. I'm so grateful to have Mary as my friend, she's a treasure. Oh, here's my coffee, that looks nice and hot. Our waitress has a lovely smile and she's so friendly, I like that in a restaurant."

Before Al-Anon, each of those insignificant things would have annoyed me no end. I'd have complained nonstop to my friend, who wouldn't have been able to enjoy her own lunch for my nattering, and I'd have made us both unhappy with my ranting. Before Al-Anon, if one thing wasn't exactly how I wanted it, everything was ruined. I'd have taken those mistakes personally, and I'd have seen them as just another indication of how lousy my life was, how things never worked out for me, yada yada yada.

I was a chronic complainer, and now I'm not. When I was first learning how, I had to make a conscious effort to be grateful: now it comes naturally.

Later, I was out delivering flyers for the business on the beautiful fall afternoon, and as I started up one driveway, a very large dog came rushing out of the open garage, walking with his tail straight up, slightly stiff-legged, and growling a warning. I decide to respect his request to remove myself from his property, and turned to tuck the flyer into the lattice on the front gate. I felt a warm bump on my thigh, and looked down to see him doing that silly little dance dogs all seem to do when they want attention, tail wagging furiously, and quite delighted with himself. I pulled the flyer from the gate, and as I walked up the drive with him, we had a nice little love-in, consisting of him giving me gentle nudges with his muzzle, and then wiggling happily as I stroked his head. As I left him, I told him to "Stay" and he did. I walked down the driveway feeling grateful for all the dogs I've known and loved, and all the ones I've only met in passing, but still enjoyed.

That got me thinking. about the way that many of my greatest life lessons have arrived looking the way that dog did - a little intimidating. When I've heard, respected and accepted the message, instead of fighting or struggling against it, those lessons have moved me forward in great leaps of understanding. With the understanding, has come a greater sense of peace and serenity.

I used to try to control everything, and now I don't. When the dog comes rushing out to say, "This is MY driveway!" I don't try to cut past him on the grass, I raise a hand in surrender, and say, "Your driveway, right, got it." Respect goes a long way in relationships; most of us just want to be recognised and heard, and once we are, we can relax and say, "You can come in, if you want; I'll walk with you."

A Question About Distancing.

Between Syd's post, and a question I received:

"Is it okay to distance myself from a family member who continues to treat me with sarcasm and rudeness?"


 - what's on my mind today, are the sufferings we endure, when our fear precludes our setting boundaries around unacceptable behavior. I accepted many years of abuse - physical, emotional, verbal - because my self-image was so damaged that I didn't believe I had the right to say, "No more!"

When I was a kid, whatever happened behind the closed doors of a family home was the inhabitant's business, and no-one would interfere, as long as it didn't become blatant.

Things are somewhat different now, at least with the justice system in this country. If I were to call the police because the neighbour was screaming abuse at his wife and kids, they'd come out and talk to him, give him both a warning as to his behavior, and options for seeking treatment for anger management.

But how many of us convince ourselves, that we have no choice but to accept unacceptable behavior, for one reason or another? I know I struggled for years with feelings of hurt and distress, with "jokes" which were nothing of the sort, they were thinly-veiled insults. If I protested, I'd be asked, "Can't you take a joke?" or be told, "I was only kidding."

It wasn't until I decided that I was going to challenge each and every one of these "not-jokes," that they diminished in frequency. As long as I tolerated them, the alcoholic used them as a way to take digs at me, without having to take responsibility for what he was doing.

I have to decide what I will, and will not, accept from another person. If I allow myself to be treated abusively, it's likely the person abusing me is going to continue with that behavior, because it works for them.

I can lean on the support, experience, strength and hope of my friends in Al-Anon, as I set new boundaries. If I quietly and calmly state that I will be treated with respect, or I will remove myself - from the room, the house, or the relationship - I'm letting this person know that things have changed, and it's not going to be the way it has been. When I act with calm dignity, it's because I've had an internal change, and this is how it's manifesting itself - in a desire to be treated with the respect that I deserve.

We all have to decide for ourselves how we are going to deal with family - I don't give specific advice, but I do suggest that you talk to other people in Al-Anon, and find out how they've dealt with this problem in their lives. We get tunnel vision; another viewpoint can be helpful.

Why I Do The Things I Do - Motives.

"What would be your motive, were you to say that?"

A question my first sponsor used on me, and which I now use, with great glee thoughtfulness, on my sponsees. When I was new to program, that question was guaranteed to bring me to a screeching halt - tires smoking, long line of black rubber on the road behind me.

I understood the question, but I also didn't understand it. I had good language comprehension, but emotional comprehension? None at all. I would be in the strange position of having a clear picture of what was being asked of me, and no way to reply. I hadn't a clue where I could begin to search for an answer, because my motives were well hidden in the hoarder's house of my brain.

I like that analogy for several reasons, not least of which that I had a tendency (A "tendency," ha! Slight understatement there, dear reader.) to scorekeep. I could not let go of anything; on the contrary, I was always on the hunt for more evidence to add to my stash of "Look at what they did, it's only natural that I would ___!"
Any slight, insult, unkindness, emotional/verbal/physical abuse ever perpetrated against me, which I was old enough to remember, and all of those  which the memory retains, but over which it draws a curtain, (so that we may continue to function, albeit not very smoothly) were in that house of self. 

Somewhere. Buried under mountains of unidentifiable, dust-covered, mouse poop decorated - all right, all right, enough of this analogy, what's my point here?

I couldn't let go of any trespass against me. I couldn't forgive or forget, and because of that, my motives were poisoned by my resentment. I acted and spoke to "get back" at the alcoholic, and every miserable rotten person in my life who had hurt me. The drinking alcoholic became a symbol, a representative of that group. I knew that when he was in his cups, I could say anything I pleased, no matter how viciously cruel, and not have to pay the price for saying it. He was in blackout - his memory would not retain it.

When I did a Step Five with him about this, much later on, after we'd divorced and been apart for quite some time, I wept and shook with pain, fear and sorrow. He reached across the table and grasped my hands: his own were shaking: tears were streaming down his face, too. In that moment, I saw in the still-drinking alcoholic wreck before me, the man I had loved and married so many years before. I am so grateful to program, for giving me the ability and willingness to make that amend, to make my peace with him, to go on in my life with no unfinished business from that relationship.

Before Al-Anon, I was not in the habit of digging down to find my motives. They were a deep and dark mystery of self, and I feared them, if I considered them at all. In Al-Anon, I have learned that if I do not deal with my resentments, they will begin to poison the ground water, and I'll start to suffer from strange ailments, such as being "irritable and unreasonable" or restlessness, perhaps a feeling of being trapped by circumstance.  All those awful feelings, and the insane thinking which once ruled me, will once again begin to stir if I do not work my program every single blessed day, whether I wish to, or do not.

If I want to be able to answer questions from myself, or anyone else, about my motives, with something other than an abashed and shame-filled hesitance, I have to work my program. It's that simple.

Forcing Solutions.

Our Al-Anon welcome contains the phrase: "... our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions..."

When very new to program, I was confident that I knew the best solution for my alcoholics, and I expended great amounts of time, energy and breath expounding upon this belief. I was constantly trying to force solutions.

It didn't work. My first husband, as a result of my endless nagging, once managed to stay sober for nine months, white-knuckling it the entire way, with no program, and no support. He finally succumbed to temptation when his nephew came for a visit, bringing gallons of booze. I arrived home from work to find them all drunk in my kitchen, and we shall draw a curtain over the scene that ensued, dear reader, because it is not one of which I am proud to have been a part. I acted abominably, shrieking and... well, as I said, never mind about that.

That was, to my knowledge, the last time my ex tried to quit drinking, and he is still deep in the addiction. I'm grateful to be able to say that what I feel about that now, is a detached compassion, rather than the self-righteous disgust I once felt.

When I try to force solutions, I have come to a decision that I know the correct thing to do, and that I have the right to nag, wheedle or coerce the alcoholic into accepting this, in complete dismissal of their choices.

I have placed myself in a position of superiority above the alcoholic. I have set my jaw, clenched my teeth, and rammed my way through. 

In my time, I have been shameless in this regard. I wanted it: he was destroying himself: I would make it happen.

Quite apart from the fact that I couldn't make him quit drinking with any more success than I could make it rain, was the effect this behavior had upon me, and my self-respect. On some subterranean level, I knew I had no right to do what I was doing, and my feelings about myself reflected this knowledge. I felt an uneasy shame just beneath the surface of my self-righteous indignation.

Al-Anon has brought that lurking awareness up to the surface, and granted me the strength and the wisdom to point out when my little piece of ground is being trampled, but then, when the trampling stops, to shut the hell up, already.

I've learned from personal experience that I cannot force solutions, and that I do not have the right to force solutions. A sponsee once asked, a long time ago, "What do I do if I'm not trying to get him to quit drinking?" and I gave same gentle reply I'd received, when I'd asked my sponsor the selfsame question:

"Live your own life."

People-Pleasing As Shape-Shifting

I've been thinking about this lately - how does it work for my friend/spouse/family member, if I am always changing myself to accomodate them?

One of the aspects of a relationship in which I draw comfort, is in knowing certain things about the other person. I can feel safe in the knowledge that this person is this way. That knowledge not only brings a feeling of safety, it also gives me a framework upon which to build the relationship.

If the other person is a rampant people-pleaser, so that any time I endeavour to make sure that I understand where their boundaries are, and the mere asking of that question of "Where?" causes them to shift them back twenty feet, and then another twenty feet, and another and another and another - it's like quicksand. There is no foundation, no firm base upon which to stand and say, ok, this is sold ground.

Some days, when they are feeling braver, I might be walking up to where I think the boundary is from last time, and find myself being charged ferociously, and shoved backwards violently, while they yell at me about overstepping myself.

So the time after that, I am very careful to advance to the stopping line pointed out to me on our last encounter, only to have them ask in surprise, "What are you stopping there for? Come closer, a lot closer, come on, don't be so hesitant about it!"

I know I go away from this sort of thing reeling in confusion, irritation and frustration; I cannot get a clear picture of just who this person is. Every time I ask, I get a different answer. My response to this, over time, will be to distance myself. I cannot handle that level of confusion in my life anymore. I choose not to.

So flip this over, and why would I imagine that my behaving in a similar manner would be any the less distressing for those with whom I interact?

Is it possible that those for whom I've been so craven in my people-pleasing, (in my attempts to gain intimacy and closeness,) are distant for precisely the reason of my people-pleasing, and the reality that this impermanence of my boundaries, leaves them feeling lost and confused?

Could I be creating the opposite of what I seek, by doing what I do?

Could it be that I will be far more likely to have the respect I wish for, if I behave in such a way as to register more as a solid person, than a nebulous emotional shape-shifter, always changing?

-----------------------------------

"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."
                                                 W.C. Fields

Mouths of Babes

A program friend and I were out walking the dogs recently, and passed a family in which a small girl was hopping up a set of stairs, repeatedly reciting the following in that sing-song way kids have:

"You get what you get, and you don't get upset!"

My friend and I turned to each other and laughed, saying it could be a new Al-Anon slogan.

So much of my past misery has been because I couldn't accept what I "got", and I was furiously upset about it. I raged and stormed about my life, and I fought and struggled and kicked against my fate. (I rarely use that word, because it always sounds like it should be accompanied by dramatic music.)

When I was new to program, and people would speak of acceptance, I thought they were either barking mad, or didn't have as an unhappy a home life as I did. Because if they did, they wouldn't be telling me to accept it - on the contrary, they'd be falling all over themselves telling me what a martyr I was, and asking how I managed so well.

Right.

I got what I got, and then spent the next nine years seething with futile resentment. I can see how far I've come in program, by the looks I received the other day when asked to agree that people who believed in ____ were boneheads, by a fellow member of a club to which I belong. I replied that I try to live my life, and let other people live theirs. I don't feel the need to make other people adopt my way of living, and I don't tell people what they should and shouldn't be doing. If it doesn't negatively impact me, then it's none of my business.

You get what you get, and you don't get upset.

I like that, it's a good mantra. Maybe I should write and see if I can get it accepted as CAL.

Live and Let Live.

Heard today, while out at the dahlia show:

"He says he wants to be my boyfriend, but he doesn't seem to like anything about me!"

Hearing that remark took me back - to my first marriage. We were engaged in a furious power struggle, each to change the other. I wanted him to: stop drinking. Oh, and change the way he dressed. And help with the kids when they came to visit, they were his kids, after all, not mine. Be nicer to me in public and private. Stop drinking. Change his attitudes towards _____ to a more accepting one. Be less aggressive in his discussions with friends. Stop having a dozen friends over for a party every night...it went on and on, my list of what I didn't like about his choices, attitudes, and characteristics.

At the time, I had no concept of how difficult it must be, to live with a spouse who was so unaccepting. My ex must have continually felt that he couldn't win - no matter what he did, I'd find something to criticise. Not only that, but I felt justified in my negative assessments of him.

Al-Anon teaches me that I do not have to agree with anyone about anything in order to give them a warm and courteous reception. I can disagree with their politics, their child-rearing, their dog-training, their taste in books, movies, music, and they can still teach me. They can still offer me priceless bits of wisdom, if I care to hear and recognise that.

I can work to rise above my own prejudices and tastes, to allow another person to live their lives as they see fit, with no interference from me, either in the form of "helpful advice" or "constructive criticism."

I pray to be always moving towards that goal of loving acceptance.

Assumptions.

I've been on the receiving end of some interesting assumptions lately; in the one instance, when the person's assumption was politely challenged, they flipped directly over into rudeness and verbal attack.

Rudeness from strangers is shocking - it takes a moment to process the situation, when I've made a calm and reasonable comment, and received rudeness in reply. I found myself standing with my mind blank for a second or two - and then had a momentary flash of how fortunate I am, not to have to deal with this on a daily basis anymore.

My first husband was exceedingly rude, and during the time I lived with him, I slowly became accustomed to his attacks upon my personhood - they lost their shock value, and became the norm.

When I began to work my Al-Anon program, I began to stand up for myself against these attacks, calmly stating that I wasn't going to stay and listen, if he didn't speak to me without yelling, and without rudeness.

I have no control over how anyone else behaves, and there are going to be times in my life when I'm faced with this kind of thing. How do I respond? Do I meet anger with anger, rudeness with rudeness? What would that gain me? A momentary satisfaction, perhaps, but when I tried that tack with my ex, I always felt a distaste for my own choice, once the heat of the moment had passed.

The other assumption made, was by an Al-Anon friend, and when it was explained that this was happening, we had a really interesting and in-depth discussion about how we each do this in our lives - make these assumptions about how someone else is living, how that feels, or what it means.

I need to be extremely careful that I am not doing this to another person. I do not know what life is like, for anyone but myself. When I assume, I'm deciding that my way of looking at the world is the only viewpoint, and this limits my understanding, and my tolerance.

I pray to be open to all ways of looking at life, whether or not they'd work for me.

Gossip or Criticism.

I belong to a couple of garden websites, and when I haven't been on in a while, will go back and wander around on them, only to be reminded why it is that I haven't been on in a while. I cannot stomach the way folks speak to each other - it's depressing.
Rampant gossip, mean-spirited commentary, outright rudeness, insults - people are people, wherever they are.

Reminds me of why I love program so much - we make a concerted effort to be kind and loving to one another, even when we are at opposite ends of a discussion. We allow for alternate viewpoints. Not just allow, we welcome them, for in hearing the experience, strength and hope of someone else, do I find solutions I wouldn't have come to on my own.

I'm doing a Step Four right now, and am having some realisations which are taking a bit of time to digest, but as always with this Step, I can feel that if I keep going, being as honest as I can be, I will emerge, amazed and delighted, on the other side of it.
Hope your weekend is giving you pleasure.

Frustration.

I had a frustrating day today. It was fine as long as I was in my own company, it was when I was around the alcoholic that my day began to go downhill. I had to work hard at letting go, and keeping my mouth firmly closed, no matter how many statements or behaviors meant to provoke, were displayed.

Some days, I can love the person, but I sure don't like them much. Some days, detaching is an act of will, and I must choose it repeatedly. I want to protest, to defend, to explain, to ask the other person not to treat me this way, but experience has taught me, that when the alcoholic is in the kind of mood they were today, any of those choices will only extend my discomfort, by giving them the chance to play head games. The only sane option is to tolerate it while I must, and as soon as I can, excuse myself.

I hate head games. A couple of hours of this sort of thing, and I can feel myself withdrawing away behind my mental barricades,  pulling up the drawbridge, flooding the moat, and sealing up the castle for a lenthy siege. It resets my trust meter back to zero, every damn time.

I've explained until I'm blue in the face that this choice of theirs cannot, for me, be shrugged off so lightly by the next day. When I detach to that degree, I am affected. Even with all that I have learned in Al-Anon, I haven't yet figured out how to detach to the degree necessary to tolerate the behavior, without also detaching emotionally from the person themselves.

When I'm withdrawn emotionally like that, weeks can go by with me feeling a sort of distant disinvolvement; I may appear to be sitting in the same room, making noises of acknowledgement as the alcoholic speaks, but my real self is far, far away. I disengage from them completely. It becomes a surface thing. Tomorrow, they'll be back in a good mood, and want me to be there with them. But I'll be miles away, watching though binoculars.

Relationship Confusion.

Syd wrote an excellent two-part post about relationships in the last couple of days.

One of my major confusions in friendships, is deciding how to speak up when I don't like something a friend has said or done. Over my lifetime, I've lost a few friendships, when I've finally reached a limit and said "I didn't like when you..." I think that contributes to my hesitation in setting or maintaining boundaries; I'm afraid that even my small, tempered boundary setting will be taken with such offense that I'll lose the friendship.

What do I do when a friend continues to do, that which I've asked them to not do? Well, how important is it? There will be minor irritations which allow me to practise being more tolerant and accepting, and larger trespasses which feel like disregard or disrespect.

How do I distinguish between the two? There will be days when the former feel like the latter, because I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I've learned to give myself time to reason this out, but with a limit. I like to wait until I'm in an excellent mood, and then consider the problem, because that's when I'm at my most tolerant.
I reason it out with my sponsor, because she has the ability to  pick out the one vital element in the relationship, and ask me to discuss that aspect, and how or why it works in the way it does, and whether it is respectful or dismissive.

My first sponsor asked me a question about my friendships that opened up an entirely new line of thinking: "How do you usually feel, after an encounter with a friend?"

It may sound silly now, but up until she asked me that, it hadn't ever occurred to me that if I felt unhappy, frustrated, irritated, annoyed or negated, dismissed, any of those feelings, perhaps the friendship wasn't a good fit for me. I had grown to adulthood with those feelings being the major part of the relationships described to me as "loving," so why would I think differently?

I've used that question ever since, and it has made it possible for me to work my way through the murk and fog of my own denial, to realise that when I feel those things after being with someone, I'm doing both of us a disservice. I don't want any more passive aggressive friendships, in which I'm often feeling as though I'm in the wrong, for a reason unexpressed.

I don't have to keep contact going, because of time spent together in the past, that't not a good enough reason. I have friends from whom, after a few hours in their company, I take my leave with  a full heart. We delight each other. That's what I'm aiming towards, more of those - I deserve it.

Other People's Anger.

Another blogger wrote a post recently, about living with another person's angry outbursts.

I lived with this for ten years, in my first marriage. I used the term "rageaholic," and because he was always so apologetic, kind and loving after one of his rages, I accepted his insistence that he "lost control."

Then, two things happened: I began training to be a volunteer on the Crisis Line, and I went to visit a friend who adored Dr Phil, and who, if I went to visit while his show was on, insisted we watch it. (I'd be sitting there, feeling slightly superior, trying not to roll my eyes, or sigh too heavily - I was so judgemental.)

That day, the show was about verbal abuse. I was barely listening, thinking about yet another of my husband's furious rages the evening before, when I tuned in again to hear Dr Phil asking a woman if her husband ever had one of his raging fits at a "large powerful man."
"No."
How about in a setting where he might face consequences, such as work?
"No."
In public, where he might face consquences such as having to deal with the police?
"No, no, only ever inside the home, and..." I watched comprehension wash across the woman's face as she thought for a moment, then finished in a rush: "...and if the windows are open, he closes them first!"

Exactly. Her husband was anything but "out of control" when he was raging; on the contrary, his rage was selectively delivered, and only against those weaker or less powerful than he, and unlikely to deliver consequences - his wife and children.

I sat there stunned, then denial clicked in (this was pre-Al-Anon) the moment passed, and I thought no more of it, until a few nights later, when I was at a training session for the Crisis Line. The topic that night was "Domestic Abuse."

The co-ordinator described the cycle of abuse as "explosion, which breaks the tension which has been building for days or weeks, followed by apparent remorse, begging for forgiveness, and then a honeymoon phase - gifts, particularly loving behavior, protestations of love and caring."

I was rocked back in my chair, in the realisation that she was describing my marriage. I was living with verbal abuse. I had never labelled it as such, because I had wanted so badly to make allowances, and, truth be told, I was the perfect spouse for verbal abuse, as I'd been trained to accept that behavior, along with physical abuse, from the time I was a small child.  It was "normal family life."

The rest of that training session went by swiftly, and afterwards, I drove home, picked up my dog, and took her to a small park we often visited. I sat on the swings under a star-filled clear night sky, and tried hard to think clearly.

There was no way around it - I was married to a verbally and emotionally abusive man. That was the beginning of change for me, that understanding. When I began attending Al-Anon a couple of years later, I learned how to deal with the rages by refusing to sit still for them. I'd excuse myself and leave - the room, the house, the car.

I didn't have children. Rage of that sort is utterly terrifying to a child - I was that small child cowering before a furious raging outburst. Children who witness this kind of treatment are deeply affected - their self-image, their view of the world as a safe place, their understanding of what makes up "normal family life." They are more likely to tolerate abuse from partners when they reach adulthood. They are more likely to display the same behaviors when angry. Kids can internalise the messages delivered with the rage, and it can negatively affect all aspects of their lives - relationships, careers, life choices, depression.

It wasn't until I had the cycle of domestic abuse explained to me in a teaching setting, that I recognised the parallels in my own home. Before that, I was manipulated into feeling guilty, convinced to minimise, promised that things would be different from now on.

For me, it's a sober truth that I teach people how to treat me, by what I will and will not tolerate and accept. If I continue to allow unacceptable behavior, by smoothing things over so that there are no consequences, I am enabling the abuse.

This morning, reading that blogger's post, and the description of her children's fear, I felt a moment's pull from my past. An icy shivering recall brushing through me, and gone again.

I am who I am because of the severe abuse I suffered as a child, physical, emotional, verbal, sexual - in some ways, I feel that I have been forever scarred by it. Also, perhaps, granted a sorrowful empathy for those still trapped with it.

There is no easy answer when we love someone "90%", but the other 10% is verbal abuse, or raging.
I pray for all children going through this.

Morning People

Why do morning people feel morally superior to those of us on a different circadian rhythm? Must be all those years of hearing proverbs in childhood: "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise."  I don't shame those folks who cannot keep their eyes open past nine or ten o'clock in the evening, why do they feel perfectly justified in shaming me for not getting up early?

It isn't that I go to bed when they do, and just sleep for 3-4 hours longer - in most cases, I'm getting a significant amount less sleep than early risers. When I challenge these perceptions, I can often watch the other person struggling to fit this information into their pre-conceived notions about how those of us who sleep into the morning are "lazy" or "slackers."

We all have our ideas about what other people should be doing, in a world run along our personal guidelines, but how often are we operating under this type of misconception? I know I've seen my own faulty thinking challenged time and again, and every time, I find myself shaking my head and wondering - how did I get to the point I reached, without taking any of that into account?

I did it by assuming that I knew what was happening, (without bothering to find out if I was correct,) and then I went on to act upon my assumptions - always a shaky place from which to begin.

From the ODAT, page 92:

"With Al-Anon's help, I can make my battered old world into a shining new one."

Let me be someone who pauses in my thinking long enough to allow others the room to be fully who they are, without comparing, and without judgement.

Choosing Healthy Friendships.

When it comes to my own relationships, I'm a "slow learner." (I love that phrase, first heard in a meeting.)

I've been having a strong sense of deja vu lately, with one friend, and haven't been able to figure out why that is. Yesterday, while out walking the dogs, I was wandering along the shores of a lake, admiring the brilliant plumage of the male ducks, and it hit me with a jolt - I know where this is headed, because I've been here before.

I've been on the receiving end of precisely this same kind of behavior, and I decided at the time that it was unacceptable to me, and I was not going to tolerate it in future. I can recall talking to my spouse about it, saying I had found it very stressful to deal with, and it was not my idea of a good friendship. Their reply? "You'll know better next time, because you'll recognise it."

Well, it took me quite some time to get there, but I did recognise it finally, and have ended the friendship. Ouch. Very difficult to do that, because I didn't want to hurt this individual, but I also do not want those behaviors in my life anymore.

What was causing the sense of deja vu with this person, was the strong feeling I kept getting, that they couldn't see me, they could only see themselves as reflected back to them from me. This is a disconcerting experience - it goes something like this:

Me: When you did that, I felt this.

Them: Yes, I was feeling this and that and this.

Me: I hear you, and understand you, but what I'm trying to point out to you, is what I was feeling, when you behaved that way.

Them: I didn't think about you feeling anything, really, I was feeling this and this and that, and I think it's because of this in the past, and that in my family of origin and...

Me: Right, I get that, but my point is that when you said/did whatever it was, I didn't like it. You were overstepping my boundaries.

Them: You know, I wonder if I feel what I feel, because of what happened to me when I was in my first marriage, because I've noticed that...

Me: Do you think that the behaviors you choose in a relationship affect the other person?

Them: (bewildered) Other person, what other person?

Me: The other person in the relationship with you.

Them: There's another person?

I exaggerate, but those of you who've been in a friendship or any kind of a relationship with someone like this, will recognise what I'm talking about instantly - it's like we don't truly exist for someone like this - we're vague shadowy figures in the mist, holding up a mirror in which they can see themselves.
We could be a cardboard cutout, with a tape recorder behind it, and that would work, too.

There's a bland disregard for anything that isn't directly related to them and their wants/needs/demands/expectations. They can behave outrageously, and if we protest, we'll be dismissed with a comment about "Aren't you over that yet? Let's talk about something interesting - ME!

My last experience with this, was someone in program, who if pushed, could parrot a program sentiment, and then go right back to talking about herself. It was eerie.

What I'm learning in Al-Anon, is that I don't have to befriend anyone who won't respect me. It's not up to me to show them the error of their ways, to love them into behaving differently, or any of those misguided things I used to think before program.

My responsibility is to myself first. I need to do whatever it takes to keep me healthy, and in active recovery. When I begin to get that uneasy feeling, I need to pay attention - to listen carefully to the voice of experience whispering into my ear: "Um, can I just point something out here?"

The last couple of years have been rocky for me in some ways. I'm having to deal with aspects of my personality hitherto hidden, (although most likely, only to me.) How I accept unacceptable behavior from other people - how I give loyalty to those who do not give any back, and why do I do this?

It can be confusing and tiring, wading through the knee-deep detritus of my co-dependent thinking, but I know that if I make the effort to keep slogging forward, I'll get there eventually.

Mean Humour.

Mr. SponsorPants has written a post
today about a lost friend of his, which brought memories of my first husband rushing back. He too, was screamingly funny in that same cutting way, and until I joined Al-Anon, I thought him brilliantly witty. He could keep a roomful of people in hysterics for hours on end with his humour, although as the evening progressed, he became meaner and meaner. (When he went out to bars to drink, he got pounded on a lot. He'd come staggering in, broken glasses in his hand, face battered and bruised and swelling, lip split, shirt torn, and if I was foolish enough to ask what happened, the reply was always the same: "Oh, I made a joke to the wrong person.")

The longer I was in Al-Anon, the more his humour caused me to cringe in empathy with the object of his slashing wit. When I left that marriage, I promised myself that I wasn't going to sit in silence when faced with that kind of humour in future; I was going to speak up, even when doing so makes my face flame in embarassment, even when I have to force the words out. I have reached a place in my life where that sort of humour will cause me to raise one hand, palm out, and say politely, "I don't want to hear it."

Because I truly don't want to hear it. It's not funny to me anymore, it's just mean. Mean humour requires that we be willing to listen to unkindness to, or about, another person, and validate that unkindness with our laughter. I can't do it - 12 Step has thoroughly ruined that form of entertainment for me.

I understand that this sort of humour is often motivated by rage and pain, but past a certain point, that's just an excuse.

As a closing thought, I offer something my grandfather used to say:
"If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.

January Almost Gone.

Hard to believe, isn't it? 

Today's reading in the ODAT had a phrase which resonated with me, about how Al-Anon is like a "spiritual common sense." It's not estoteric wisdom which can only be gained after a long trek up a distant mountaintop in the Andes, with thousands of pounds of gear, and much splashing out of resources, in order to consult a guru who is in retreat from humanity. It's common sense - when I do this, that happens.

When I reacted the way I used to, to alcoholic behavior, the result was insanity and no serenity. When I put my program into practise, not only is my life more manageable, but I will also find time to enjoy myself.

We don't have space here for me to do stained glass, so I've gone  back to my early art school days, and have been playing with watercolors. I did that tonight for about 3 hours, (surfacing only when my spouse arrived home from the AA rally all blissed out)
We looked at each other, and began to laugh - we recognised that we each wore an expression of contented delight - a shared moment of comfortable affection.

So life goes, rising and falling like sea waves on rock. Earlier in the week, I felt annoyed and tired in having to deal with alcoholic "isms" - the last few days, I'm enjoying myself, and feeling serene.

Through Al-Anon, I'm learning to let go of the stressful times as they pass, and not use them to bludgeon, shame or control another. I saw a sign today, as I was returning home from the art supply store:

"It's a waste of the future, to spend today, fretting about the past."

Moments Of Connection.

Until recently, when I resigned because we're moving out of town, I worked as a volunteer for the last 8 years in the same place. The nature of this work was such that it has changed me greatly in some ways.

I have completely lost any shyness about approaching strangers. I can walk up to anyone, anytime, anywhere, and open a conversation. I will often find myself out in public, moved to speak to someone near me, and they will take the opportunity to pour out their feelings into my willing ear. I don't know how they recognise me as a safe person with whom they can share this, but they do. I used to be surprised when this happened, but now I just accept that this is part of my life.

At the airport yesterday, I felt moved to speak to a woman washing her hands in the sink next to me. She shared with me a sad situation which was happening in her life, and we spent a few minutes talking. We said goodbye, and went our different ways. I went back to stand at the Arrivals gate, thinking of the way my Higher Power offers me the precious gift of the trust of strangers, the chance to engage and perhaps offer some small comfort, and how humbling this is. I feel that what is happening isn't about me at all - it's about God working through me. I'm touched on a deep personal level when this happens, and never lose the sense of wonder at the way two  strangers can connect on a strong emotional level, if both people are open, and willing to take the chance.

I learned that in 12-Step. I learned that through sharing, and listening to other people's sharings, at meetings.

I have gone from feeling like a misfit and an outcast, to this place in my life - that is the miracle, and the blessing, of Al-Anon.

I'll leave you today with a great picture - our friend is in the shower right now, singing at the top of his lungs, and sitting outside the bathroom door, singing along at the top of his lungs, is our little male dog.

Anonymity.

MrSponsorPants has an excellent post on this topic today. I've known those who could wear a t-shirt emblazoned "Grateful Member of Al-Anon" and be comfortable, and I've known others who wouldn't acknowledge me if they met me walking my dog out in the woods, with no-one to see our mutual recognition but the occasional chipmunk.

If I run into a member of Al-Anon outside the meeting rooms, I let them set the tone. If they ignore me, I ignore them. I've had people come up to me and throw their arms around me for a hug in the grocery store, and I hug back with the same amount of warmth. I'm comfortable either way, so I allow them to choose.

MrSponsorPants did cause me to wonder if I should be writing prefaces to the posts which appear to describe what was said inside a meeting, to explain that just as he does, I take artistic license to make my point. Wikipedia describes artistic license as:

"..a colloquial term, sometime euphemism, used to denote the distortion or complete ignorance of fact.."

So when it appears that I've come home from a meeting, and am describing what took place in it, I'm not. You wouldn't recognise yourself, because you aren't in here; anyone written about is a compilation of people I've met in the years I've been in Al-Anon, and what they say is a compilation of the things I've heard. I thought I had better make that point clear.

I am of the opinion that anonymity was important when AA and Al-Anon were founded, and it is of equal importance today. It is only with an assurance of complete anonymity that many of us are able to speak up in meetings. I take this very seriously, and I make this point to my sponsees, especially the new ones, most likely to the point of boring them senseless on the topic. I know how distrustful I was when I was new to program, and how I slowly became able to trust, because of the member's adherence to this founding precept.

This may run contrary to the psychobabble phrase "You're only as sick as your secrets." I've had that particular gauntlet hurled at my feet. My reply is that it isn't my secret I'm keeping, it's the secret of the others around the table, and they get to choose whether or not they broach their anonymity, just as I get to choose to broach mine. It's a personal decision, and not mine to make for another.

It isn't up to me to decide that someone else's life would be healthier if they were less secretive. That's between them and their God.

Blind Obduracy or Panic?

How often, when I'm facing what I believe to be obstinacy in another person, am I really facing trepidation and panic?

Is it possible that I'm placing this interpretation upon their actions, so that rather than feel compassion, I may persist in my attitude of scorn, resentment, anger?

I can look back over my own life. and see with clarity, when fear motivated me to make questionable choices as a result of my panic and confusion. Is it possible that the person I'm facing is also in that state of fear and distress?

Why did I always ascribe the worst of all motives to others, and the best to myself?

I've seen my little dog in a state of panic, and when she's in that blind fear, she will fight even loving hands trying to extricate her - her desperation to escape overrides her ability to think or reason.

I've seen newcomers in Al-Anon who are willing to smash the entire structure of their lives to get out, get away. The problem with that, being - one takes oneself along in that mad dash to freedom. And it certainly has been true for me, what George Santanya said:

"Those who cannot remember the past,
 are condemned to repeat it." 

I believe this is one reason we are urged to remember HALT - when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, fear can seep in through the tiniest of breaches. Compassion, for ourselves, and for others, is to be desired, it makes life bearable when we feel we cannot take another step. When I choose compassion for another, I offer our shared humanity as comfort.