Keep An Open Mind.

I can learn from anyone, if I am sufficiently open-minded. I can see the beauty, hear the wisdom, and learn from each person around the table in the rooms of Al-Anon, if I am willing to let go of all the ways in which my culture and upbringing taught me to judge.

I've reached a stage in my recovery where most of the beliefs and attitudes I brought with me when I first came into program, have slipped away. There are attitudes that I've had to lose completely, before I could gain understanding of the way they limited my growth.

Others, it has had to be my choice each and every time, to put this down, let this go. I may have had to begin that choosing by using one hand to pry the other hand open, before I could let go the first few times, then I could let them go unwillingly, but under the guidance of my sponsor, then I am more willing to try when I see they are self-defeating. The last stage before losing that attitude forever, is the same sort of instant letting go that happens when I grasp the handle of a pot on the stove, and find it too hot for bare skin - a reflex, done so quickly I don't have time to think about it.

And then, one lovely day, I realise that I truly, in my heart and soul, don't believe that anymore - my Higher Power has set me free. But I had to be willing, first.

Recovering.

All things being relative, after a bout of food poisoning, ordinary life feels like a great pleasure. Thanks to those kind souls who sent best wishes my way.

I don't know if it was as a result of being ill, but I had seriously wierd dreams last night, and the one just before waking was of getting myself into a situation of a casual acquaintance taking complete advantage of me,  as a direct result of my inability to say "No."

In this dream, all the old feelings were running rampant - resentment over being treated with such disrespect, anger, frustration, and hurt feelings leading to martyrdom - and at the same time as the main action of the dream was taking place, it's as though I were standing off to the side narrating from an Al-Anon perspective: " This person is not respecting my boundaries. I need to set limits with this person, and stick to them. I should call my sponsor. I wouldn't be feeling so annoyed with her now, if I'd just set boundaries when this first arose - I've done this to myself."

When I awoke and remembered the dream, I started to laugh. The teachings of Al-Anon are sufficiently second-nature for me now, that they seep even into my dream life. I may not always adhere to them, I may have times when I'm struggling against my own desire for control, but when I realise that fact, and work to let go, they reassert themselves in all of their wisdom, and I remember - it works, if I work it.

From Hope for Today, page 18:
"When I came to Al-Anon, I finally found the peace I desired so much. Al-Anon taught me that the path to peace is accepting the people, place, things, and situations I cannot change. Accepting myself as I am, by working Steps Four through Nine, freed me from my self-inflicted inner judge and jury. Accepting others with the use of the Serenity Prayer allowed me to stop fighting. Acceptance allows God to do what I cannot. Acceptance opens the door for my growth and leads me on my spritual journey one day at a time."

"..self-inflicted inner judge and jury..." Oh, how I can relate to that! Only mine isn't only pounding the gavel about my own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, mine is incessantly wanting to pronounce other people in the wrong. This is one of my worst character defects.

I can recognise that this stems from insecurity, and when I was new to program, was the avenue my beaten-down ego habitually sought. This doesn't make it any less distasteful to me, when I realise that once again, I've fallen back into the rut of deciding that I know best how someone else should think, feel, or act. I cannot remove this on my own - I've tried. The only way to free myself of this, is to ask my Higher Power to remove it. But before that can happen, I must be inclined to relinquish it.

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

If I don't do the prepatory work, which allows me to find solace and sustenance from God, and my program, then I will not be truly willing to let go of those coping mechanisms which keep me feeling safe. Nature abhors a vacuum, and if I have an inner hole, it's going to be filled with something - I now realise that I have a choice as to what that something is.

I'm not a victim, I don't have to be filled with anger, resentment,  self-pity, judgement, or condemnation of myself and those around me. When I work my program, and work to accept, let go, be loving, then I am truly willing to have God remove these defects of character, because I don't need them anymore. I have something with which to replace them. I feel better about myself when I am loving and accepting, and I am a far more pleasant companion.

Step Six.

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

What does it mean for me, to be "entirely ready?"

First, I need awareness of my character defects, and I gained this through doing a 4th Step, and then paying careful attention to my internal dialogue, both in times of tranquillity, and in moments of exasperation.

A program friend uses the phrase: "the stories that we tell ourselves" to describe the way our character defects affect our thinking. When I'm agitated, what story am I telling myself? Does it cast me as victim and the other person as villain? How feasible is this, and how much more probable, that we each have a part in the troubles, but that I'd rather believe myself blameless, as that requires no effort or action on my part?

I must be willing to give up whatever gratification my character defects have allowed me, for a new approach to dealing with life, and new compensations.
I must be willing to hold up a hand to my ego, as it stands at the forefront of my mind exhorting and defending, and detach from my feelings, to view my choices with as much objectivity as I can muster. If I can't muster any, or very little, and my ego is still bellowing and ranting, then I need to pick up the phone and call a program friend to reason things out.

I tell my sponsees, "If the program friend you call does nothing but agree with your viewpoint, then you need to find another person to call at those times, because it may be satisfying to hear it, but that agreement only strengthens your misery by reinforcing your defenses."

When we are new to 12-Step, and we try to deal with our egos on our own, it's like going up against a sumo wrestler, after we've done nothing to prepare but a week of stretching exercises - no contest. Splat. Ding. Belt goes to the big guy in the thong.

I'm entirely ready when I'm frustrated at my own craziness, when my obsessive mind is chewing the same ground endlessly, smoke pouring from the machinery, rattling and shaking, parts flying off and nearly taking the dog's head off as they go zinging into the stratosphere, when I just cannot do it on my own.

I'm ready when I'm on my knees, unable to rise, completely exhausted and beaten down, not by the alcoholics or by life, but by my own habitual responses - my character defects.

Then, and only then, in my case, (obduracy being one of my character defects, which I have in abundance) was I able to consider choosing to try an alternate way of dealing with my life.

I was entirely ready. I had hoped this would be a permanent state, but in all honesty, I'd have to call it semi-permanent, because if I'm in HALT, I'm more likely to revert to old habits. But now I can catch myself doing so, forgive myself, and change my attitude.

From the ODAT, page 172:

"If am truly willing, I will see them replaced gradually by impulses of a different quality, that I can live with, comfortably free from self-reproach."

Isn't that a beautiful concept? Living "...comfortably free from self-reproach." I want that. That sounds like ... serenity.

Character Defects - Part 2.

Frustration is a good indicator that I have become mired in one of my character defects - perfectionism. I would feel intense frustration when anyone would say, "That's good enough, leave it alone." Leave it alone? It was so obviously not perfect, how could I just walk away and leave it like that? If I did manage to tear myself away, I'd still be there in mind and spirit, biting away at it, worrying and nibbling and chewing it over endlessly.

If I don't keep a tight rein upon this aspect of my personality, the damage it can do is pervasive. Nothing is ever done to my satisfaction, because nothing is done perfectly. (As my old sponsor used to say, "Welcome to real life, dear!")

I've had to delve deeply into my past, in my efforts to find the roots of this poisonous weed of perfectionism, and what I've discovered, is that I have a belief that if I can just do whatever it is perfectly, no-one will be able to criticise me. It's a preventative measure, in effect.

I was astounded to realise this. I had always thought that I just liked to do things "properly." Finding out that what truly drove me was not a desire to do things in the correct way, but fear of criticism if I failed, was mind-boggling at the time.

It was one of those revelations that jolted me like an earthquake, and when it finished, had shifted me off my foundations by about an inch or so. I felt unsure and unbalanced. I began to see my rationalising as a smokescreen, instead of an explanation.

Now, when I feel that familiar rising sense of frustration, I can stop and ask - what do I fear, and why? Fear tormented me, inspired my behavior, influenced my thinking and worldview, shortened my tolerance - fear was my driving force. Fear can still grab the wheel if I'm not paying close attention, and then the accelerator is rammed to the floor, the engine races, and we careen along at breakneck speed, fear and I. It's never a pleasant drive in the country with fear in the driver's seat.

I can be afraid, and choose to set my fear aside, and act as if I would were I not afraid. This means I stop, take stock, choose to detach as far as I am able, and ask my Higher Power to remove my fear. I can let "good enough" be just fine.

Step 6

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

Some days, I am ready. I'll catch myself demonstrating one of my character defects for the billionth time, stop, sigh heavily, and ask God: "Can you please deal with this? My puny efforts have gone for naught."

I'm thoroughly wearied by a pattern of behavior/ stubborn refusal to hear/ assumption in advance of the facts, whatever it may be that I'm acting out. I understand the thinking behind it, how it may have worked for me in the past but is now, like a dog, sneaking up to stand right behind me, so when I turn to walk, I almost do a face-plant in an effort not to fall over it. I've tried and tried and tried to do things differently, but I'm failing miserably, and I'm getting frustrated. I need help, in the form of a small spiritual awakening, so that my attitude is forever shifted just slightly, and the next time the situation arises, I no longer view it in the same habitual fashion, and the trigger is...gone.

That's the best way I know, to describe how Step 6 works for me. I don't realise it has happened, until after the fact, when I will realise with some wonder and delight, that what used to get me steamed, leaves me detached.

Now, one caveat here - this only seems to take place after I have put in countless hours of slog, working my program. I will have to have been trying to change my attitude, struggling to rise above my baser nature, discussing my character defects in brutal honesty at meetings and with sponsees and my own sponsor. I will need to have been stopping and considering, time after time, just what exactly what am I about to say, and why? What are my motives? What do I hope to accomplish?

God has never done the prep work for me; I must be willing to do that which demonstrates my willingness. But when I have done my part, and receive that gift of having a character defect removed, what fills the empty spot is a delirious sort of joyful detachment.