Dealing with Relapse.

A reader posted a comment about her long-time partner relapsing, several program friends have been going through this with their adult children. My own niece, who is at present, in rehab for the first time, has plans to rejoin her drug-dealing boyfriend when she gets out - my sister is at her wits end, and has finally begun to attend Al-Anon meetings, which she is finding helpful.

A relapse can be agonising for those of us who love the alcoholic. I know when my first husband had been sober for nine months and then relapsed, I was devastated. This was before I joined Al-Anon, and I felt somehow responsible, that if I'd tried harder, done something more, said something more, it wouldn't have happened.

This is just not the case.

 We have no control. We don't cause it through our behavior or actions, we can't control it with any amount of talking or decisions, and we can't cure it by sacrificing our own happiness.

Letting go of wanting to fix the alcoholic is a process learned slowly by most of us, myself included.

I was raised with the family myth that if things aren't going the way you want them to, you just need to try harder. Increase your effort, put in longer hours, talk your way into what you want. So when I encountered alcoholism, I put all of myself into the effort of stopping the drinking, and I failed spectacularly. 20 years after the end of our marriage, and my first husband is still drinking.

All of my years of trying to make him quit had no effect. I ran into one of his children during the last year I was in my second marriage, and she told me he was still drinking, and had never quit. I was saddened to hear that. I'd let go of all of the misery of that marriage many years back, and have no hard feelings towards him.

I felt sad that he was still in the grip of the addiction. He has an uncanny skill when it comes to anything mechanical. He can take apart something he's never seen before, discover how it is supposed to work, and then fix it.  He was in high demand as a mechanic when his drinking was still somewhat under his control, when he was what I've heard AA members call a "high-functioning alcoholic."

By the time I left that marriage, his business was failing because he'd begun to drink during the day, something he hadn't done for years. He was beginning to move into the final stages of alcoholism.

I couldn't stay with active drinking. Some people can live with active drinking and manage to have a good life of their own. I was too new to Al-Anon, and the trust between my first husband and I had been shattered by an affair he engaged in shortly before I left the marriage.

When he relapsed after nine months of sobriety, I didn't realise that during those nine months, his sobriety was what an AA friend would call the "white-knuckle" variety - he was hanging onto it through sheer force of will, with no help or support from AA.

What retrospect has granted to me, is the ability to see that although during the marriage I may have believed that I had a part in his drinking or not drinking, in reality, I had as much effect upon it as the kitchen table might have.

None.

I was incidental, really. That was a blow to my ego when it fist became evident to me. Now, I feel a little sadness for the young woman I was, who felt responsible, and was struggling to survive, in a situation which would bring most of us to our knees.

Accepting doesn't mean condoning. When I accept that the alcoholic is going to do what they are going to do, and I am powerless, I set myself free from the hopeless battle. When I turn towards that which I can change - myself, I set in motion a powerful force for serenity in my life. There's always room to work towards making me a better person.

When We Love An Alcoholic.

When we love an alcoholic, we may start off believing that with sufficient rational and careful thought, we will find the "right way" to explain to them, the damage their drinking is causing us and the family. We might think that because of our care in choosing our words and our tone, the alcoholic will be able to hear us.

Not so. We as humans all have the ability to deny, some of us to a level of what may appear insanity - that's addiction.

When we love an alcoholic, we may want to believe that what they are telling us is the truth this time - they won't ever behave like that while drunk again, we don't have to cringe in the face of screaming rage, because that was the very last time, it will never happen again.

But if they continue to drink, and rage is part and parcel of the intoxication process for that person, then we will face it again.

When we love an alcoholic, we may be stunned to discover that when we finally make up our mind to make the break, after perhaps years of suffering with the effects of their alcoholism, that is the time that they decide to stop drinking - once we are out of the picture.

I've seen that happen more than a few times, and the partner who has made the break may feel an overwhelming anger - "Why now? Why couldn't they do that when we were still together? I gave years to that man/woman, and begged them a million times to quit drinking, and they wait until I leave the marriage, and then they quit??"

When we love an alcoholic, we may hope that if we bail them out of a bad situation, provide them with money/ a place to stay/ groceries/ a vehicle to drive, they will be grateful, and will try much harder to get or stay sober. In Al-Anon, this kind of behavior is termed "enabling," because it makes possible the alcoholic's ability to maintain their balancing act for a longer period, before it all collapses around their heads, and they face the consequences of their own choices.

Enabling may feel loving and caring, but can often be more about us, than about the alcoholic. We may need to feel that we have "done all we can" or are "a good parent/wife/sibling" in the hope that our example will show them how their behavior is by contrast, destructive.

Perhaps we are caught up in a cycle of enabling, in which we believe that if we do not act to save them, they will be lost in their addiction forever, or even die.

The sad truth is that not every alcoholic is able to get or stay sober. Many of them are lost to addiction, and many die each year from the effects of drinking.

In Al-Anon we learn that we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. This can be either a blow to our ego and self-image as a helper, or it can be a step towards freedom, when we understand that it is truly possible for us to have a satisfying, productive and serene life, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

Detachment is not cruel or heartless; detachment saves us from continuing to labor at that about which, we can have zero effect.  When we love an alcoholic, one of the kindest things we can do for them is to allow them control of their own lives. We may feel agonised by their choices and self-destruction, but when we honestly admit our own powerlessness, we have begun our own journey of healing.

I pray to continue to detach from the alcoholics in my life, and to be able to see without judgement, and love without blame.

You Can't Walk in Sand Without Leaving Footprints.

I have two sisters, both older than I. One, M, is two years my senior, the other, G, is four years older. M and I get along well. Although she's never had experience with program or 12-Step of any kind, with her life experience, she's evolved into someone who can question her own responses, ponder her own behavior, and be firmly on the side of improved communication.

G reminds me very much of myself before Al-Anon. I offended very easily, I was rigid in my thinking, and I was determined to "win" any conflicts or hassles in which I became involved. My way was not only the correct way, it was the one and only way. I will occasionally cast my mind back to the younger me, and feel empathy for those who had to deal with that prickly, mutinous, sullen and immature woman.

One of Al-Anon's greatest lessons is that I cannot change another person. No amount of heckling, badgering, whining, manipulating, wheedling or pressure is going to affect a permanent change in the thinking or behavior of any other human on this planet.

I can only change myself.  My only sphere of true influence lies within my own skull. The mind of any other person is only available to me as that person chooses to share themselves. I have no way of knowing whether or not that sharing is conscious, true or honest.

I've always loved the music of Tom Petty, and in the chorus of "The Waiting" he sings:

"...The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you get one more yard
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part..."

I cannot have a relationship all my own way, no more than I could walk in sand without leaving my footprints. With my oldest sister, all I can do is do my best. When I feel the need to set a boundary, I make the effort to be as kind as is humanly possible in the way I state my need for respect. After that, I have to wait. I wait for her response, or lack of same. I let her, and her response go, as far as I'm able at that point.

These days, I'm fairly skilled at letting go of what I cannot control. If it's beyond me, I can see that with clarity, so I try not to let it eat at me. When I'm trying to let go, and can't manage it, I ask my Higher Power for help. My prayers for assistance seem to have simplified down to one sentence:

"Please help me with this."

I no longer specify how I  want to be helped, or when, or where. I just ask for the help, and then let that go, too. I've grown old enough now to have a wonderfully clarified sense of just how little I know about life and its mysteries. Suffice it that I've experienced them, I don't have a burning need to explain them anymore, not to myself, nor to anyone else.

All I have to offer is my love, my humour, and occasionally, the little bits of wisdom I've gained from this marvellous program. That and my gratitude; it overflows this earthly container on an hourly basis.

Chasing Rainbows in Soap Bubbles.

A sponsee and I have tried a couple of open AA meetings of late, trying to find a good fit for us, and seem to have hit upon a meeting at which we both feel comfortable. We went to it this evening, and now that I'm back home, I find myself in a rather pensive mood, remembering the shares of those who spoke so honestly and openly about what it was like for them, what happened, and what it is like now.

Tonight's meeting brought up some feelings for me around dealing with the alcoholism of my two sisters, both of whom are still in active drinking, in mid-life. With my eldest sister, I can find a way to relate to her because she shares with me a strong spiritual belief, and that has been the place at which we can have a meeting of the minds, and find comfort and sustenance in each other's writing.

With my middle sister, I don't have this way to connect, so I find it much more difficult to relate to her. Her alcoholism takes the form of a powerfully negative view of life and people, and I can find  it almost impossible to respond to what brings up in me a feeling of frustration.

I'm frustrated because I'm not accepting of her, I realised tonight, again. This is not news to me, but it was underscored tonight by a couple of the people who spoke about their fears, lack of hope before 12-Step, and just general intense trouble in finding a way to live in the world.

I need to pray for tolerance and acceptance of my sister. I want us to be able to connect, and since I'm having trouble with it, I need to turn it over to my Higher Power and step back and let it happen within me, let go of wanting her to be something she is not, and work on my own lack of acceptance.
One topic at the meeting tonight was "relationships" - never an easy topic. But for me, tonight, as so often at a meeting, I heard just what I needed to hear.

Loving Patience

One morning I received an email from my middle sister, and having read it, wanted to reply with annoyance, "Doesn't anything positive ever happen in your life, that you could tell me about?" I closed out my email program, and went out to my rooftop patio garden to do my first daily wander about, and found one of my daylilies had put up a scape. Looking at the tag for the name, I read -  "Faithful & True."  Sigh.

I was feeling unfaithful in my love for my sister at that moment, unfaithful in the respect that I didn't want to have to deal with her negative attitude, and I wanted to get an email from her that I could enjoy, instead of one which would require me to sit and think about how best to reply, so as not to cause her any further unhappiness.

I'm reminded of the phrase commonly attributed to a doctor's Hippocratic Oath: "First, do no harm."

Isn't that an excellent slogan for all of us in Al-Anon? I wonder, how much harm have I been responsible for in my life, just through impatience? I have worked with sponsees who were determined to convince me that courtesy simply required too much time - time they didn't have in their busy lives.  I've been guilty of that same attitude for many years when new to program - others should adjust to me.

What has become truth for me now, is that I need to be able to feel comfort in the way I respond to the world around me, whether to those close to me, or to strangers. My serenity requires that I'm able to believe that I've done my best, in the daily round of encounters. This means that if I get an irritation rising in my chest, from someone else's words or actions, I take a step back and detach. I give myself enough time to stop and think, to question how well this almost-response of mine will sit with me a few hours from now?

I want to be what I've heard described as "a soft place to fall" for those who depend upon me for comfort and support, and I enjoy being a positive force for good feelings, in my movements in this world. I do it for myself, other people happen to benefit as a side effect.

Maturity.

How many of us can honestly say that we respond to our daily lives with a mature attitude? I know I struggle sometimes, because the sulky teenager rises within me, and I want to have a hissy fit, it would relieve the stress and my feelings. But I've learned from long experience that hissy fits make everyone feel worse, the one having it, and those around her.

Today my brother sent me an email I found disturbing. He's a professor at a major university, and we write back and forth with great regularity, sometimes two or three times a day. He'd asked about my meeting at the treatment centre, and Al-Anon in general, so I sent him an email containing a light description of what happens at meetings, and in return received a reply insulting the program.

I haven't shared much with him about program, for fear of just exactly the kind of sneering response I got from him today. It's sad that I can't share such a meaningful part of my life with him, but I don't want to give him opportunities to mock Al-Anon.

It's not easy to respond to his email with maturity. I'm feeling that I should have known better than to trust him, I knew he would probably react the way he did, but I think I hoped he would not, that he would be respectful, because he knows I've been in Al-Anon for 28 years, and that I consider it to have changed my life in a myriad of positive ways.

I took a chance, and it didn't turn out well. The mature way to deal with this is just to accept it, and let it go. Learn from it, and keep my program to myself, don't give him a chance to make fun of what I hold dear. Don't, as a friend would say, offer my throat for the tiger to bite, and then complain when he sinks his teeth in. Live and learn.

Carrying the Message.

I've been asked to join with a couple of other long-time members in giving a couple of talks about Al-Anon to members of the general public who have asked for information. This should be interesting. I'm always willing to carry the message, and it's encouraging when the public wants to know more about how we can help. the families and friends of alcoholics.

I still recall quite well how desperate I was when I came into Al-Anon at the recommendation of my family doctor, who'd been saying to me, "I think you'd benefit from Al-Anon" for months before I actually heard him. When I finally did hear him over the noise in my head, which consisted of complaint, self-pity, depression, blaming and obsession, I asked, "What's Al-Anon?"

I listened to an Al-Anon speaker today, and she said half-jokingly that she'd read statistics stating that for every alcoholic, there were ten people affected by their drinking, but she considered the more likely number to be up around 45.

I think of my first husband - granted, he had a large birth family, but still, there were more than ten people negatively affected by his alcoholism. In a small way, each of my friends was negatively affected, as they listened to my litany of complaints.

I try to carry the message in this blog. I don't write here as often as I did when I began it, but I still feel a responsibility to share here, the same way I do in meetings, albeit at far greater length.

I received a phone call from my lawyer a few minutes ago, she said that my husband has closed down his business and will be applying for disability, so there's no point in going to court and asking for spousal support. I felt sad for him, I know how much of his self-esteem has always come from work. I hope that he has good support from his AA friends, and his sponsor, and that he will find other ways to feel good about himself.

I'm grateful that Al-Anon has changed my thinking to such a great extent that what I feel is only compassion, and gratitude for my freedom today.

What Is My Part?

Trying to be honest with myself about what was my part in various relationship difficulties, when I was new to Al-Anon, was supremely troublesome. My mind would automatically leap to defend my choices and behavior, while blaming the other person for theirs - I wouldn't be doing/thinking/feeling/saying this, if they were not the way they were! It started with them, and must be their fault.

Giving up being a victim can be a scary prospect. Victimhood leaves us feeling right, and sometimes righteously indignant. From the position of "right" we can feel protected, safe, and unassailable. We can also feel lonely.

I can detach when I let go of telling myself stories about what this other person is thinking, feeling, or doing. I detach when I let go of "why they said/did this" and also let go of deciding that the other person is acting in response to me.

When I can take myself out of the middle, when I let go of my "I'm the centre of the universe" attitude, then I can accept the other person for who they are, without relating their character traits, or their behavior choices, back once again to myself. Before I can detach with love, I need to understand that this is not a way of "letting them off the hook" because the reality is that I don't have them on the hook in the first place, I'm powerless.

When I can't detach, then I'm going to be jerked around by my own character defects. My own mind is going to drive me crazy, and the other person is happily oblivious. Detaching is a way for me to be able to live in the peace and serenity of my Higher Power. I make the choice to let it all go, and turn my focus onto myself, since I'm the only person over which I can have any control.

My part is to accept myself, accept the other person, accept my life for what it is, and be content in that acceptance. My part is to make a conscious choice not to judge or condemn. To choose love and serenity in the face of an opportunity to do otherwise.

Memories Surfacing.

 I've been having memories from the early days of the marriage surface, and invariably, they are memories of the alcoholic's skillful manipulation of me, through the use of guilt.

This has a double effect of both making me laugh with wonder, and groan for my gullibility. I could get caught up in the blindness of the woman I was, or I can allow the humour of how well it worked to assist me in my search for self-acceptance, then record the memories in my journal, so they don't sink out of sight, be again forgotten, and trip me up in the future.

This feels like a positive learning process, and if I stay open, I will gain knowledge about myself and my character. I had a certain idea of how it had been when we were new, and since I left him, I've been granted the understanding that this vision was created by my enabling co-dependency operating at top speed.

Letting go of it all will take a little time, but if it is my own inventory I take, my own character defects I examine, for how they've held me back in my life, if I am willing to stay free of anger, I can feel that the growth from this will be life-altering.

I pray to let go of pride, and to retain humour.

Three C's And Letting Go

I was wandering through my blog stats yesterday for the first time in months, and it's interesting to discover that the most read post continues to be the first one I wrote about the "three C's" - "I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it."

In that one sentence are encapsulated two of the most powerful tools in 12-Step:

surrender,
                and
                       acceptance.

When I finally reach a place of understanding of just how far beyond my simple human power is the devastation and pain of this disease of alcoholism, that's surrender. I look at the world around me, I look at the suffering alcoholic, and I surrender to my powerlessness. I sink to my knees in defeat, and I say "I give up."

 I was raised to never give up - "winners never quit, quitters never win," and that may hold true for many human endeavors, but for the disease of alcoholism, it is only when we surrender and admit to our complete powerlessness that we win our freedom. 

I didn't cause the alcoholic to drink, or if sober, to behave atrociously - what they do is on their plate, and my plate is a separate piece of crockery.

I can't control a single aspect of their thinking, choices, or behavior, and when I've been caught up in trying to coerce or manipulate, I have been sunk in a particular form of insanity - a frustrated misery. When I let go of the notion that it is anything to do with me, when I step back and detach, my Higher Power has a chance to work in my life. We can't both steer my life, it's either my HP steers, or I steer, and I don't have the greatest record when it comes to driving my life.

I can't cure it. Nothing I can do will make a lasting change - real change for the alcoholic must come from within them. They have their own walk of surrender and acceptance.

Often the most loving thing I can do is get out of someone's way.  Even when I see the cliff approaching. Even when I know the brakes are faulty. Even when I've seen this crash before.

Detachment is a loving form of surrender and acceptance. I pray for detachment with love.

How Not To Argue.

Mr SponsorPants has an excellent post this year, about surviving the holidays.

One lesson I've had to learn time and again before it really sank in, (and over which I can still stumble when I'm not paying attention) was this one:

"5. Remember, don't expect Program responses from people who aren't in the Program." 

When I've been brought up short to hear a truly nasty comment made, as soon as a family member left the room, it was, I later realised, because I was carrying an expectation. I've learned that I really don't want to be around someone who choses to behave in that fashion; I find it distressing.

I may have friends not involved in 12-Step who do not behave that way, but if they invite me to a family function, there's no guarantee that their family members are going to abide by my personal standards of courtesty and kindness.

I need to accept that reality, before I accept the invitation, and if I'm not sure, I can ask: "How does your family get along?" If the reply is an amused snort and the quip: "Bring your own stun gun," I might choose to avoid that particular get-together.

I have a dear friend who is an elderly man, and as long as he's not talking about his siblings, he is the soul of kindness and consideration. But let him swerve onto the topic of the shortcomings of one of those poor souls, and he will undergo a transformation into a vessel brimming over with an acid brew of judgement, rage and victimisation. I've learned to change the subject. Repeatedly. I mention the weather,  tell him a funny story about my dogs, I ask after his arthritic knee. I do not respond when he throws out those bitter comments, trolling the bait across in front of me, hoping to hook me in. I see it, but I pretend that I do not - I let it pass by unremarked.

I don't have to attend to every comment offered. I can smile and murmur something vague and noncomittal. I can remark upon the briskness of the air today. I can compliment the lovely sweater the person is wearing.

I can LET IT GO.

Common Denominators - Caretaking & Control.

Not sure how far I'm going to run with this, but please feel free to suggest any topics you'd like to see addressed.  A reader asked about "balance."

Prior to my finding Al-Anon, I had none. Over the years, I'd heard it suggested that it was a good idea to have balance in life, but I had no concept of how that might look, or feel. My emotional life was stunted, and largely negative - very rarely did I feel happy, and never, ever content. I was lonely and depressed when I was isolating myself, or put-upon and hard-done-by when I was trying to fix someone else's problems. (More on caretaking later in this.) In order to find balance, I needed to work the first four Steps. I had to admit my powerlessness, accept the concept of a Higher Power, turn my life over to that power, and do an inventory.

I smile with recognition, when I hear people talk about how they didn't work the Steps for a long time, because they "already knew they wouldn't work."  AA's Big Book has a quote about that precise attitude:  'contempt prior to investigation' and I was a master at it. I used that attitude to keep myself stuck in that awful place inside my head. I hated being in there, between my ears, but do any of that silly stuff my sponsor was suggesting to me that I try? I knew it was a waste of time before even hearing what exactly it was that she was trying to express. For someone in such terrible mental shape, I was deeply arrogant.

The first 4 Steps put us into position to rocket off into another, better world. If we don't do them, we never achieve ignition.

On to caretaking. Whenever I was involved in caretaking, I'd start out feeling empathetic and compassionate, (and judgemental) which would trigger my impulse to help (and try to control) and soon I'd be enmeshed in the person's life and problems, trying to make them do what I thought they should, feeling utterly infuriated at the way this person was "taking advantage" of me.

Madness. Complete madness, and I did it time and again, year after year. Before Al-Anon, that's what I thought I was supposed to be doing, but I hated and resented the person I was trying to "help," for their (as I saw it) use of me, and myself for not having the courage to say "No." I'd get caught up in another's problems, because I thought I could see so clearly what the best solution was for them, and also believed that could I just make them see that I had the perfect solution for them, they'd leap to implement it, and their life would be so much improved! Why could they not grasp this simple truth, that I knew better than they did how they should order their life?

When I caretake, I am deciding that my opinions, ideas, attitudes, and habits are superior, and should be implemented.



My own life was a wasteland of rage, resentment and self-pity, but I thought I had wisdom to offer - an excellent example of the insanity of co-dependence. I thought I needed to stop caretaking in order to be free of someone else's unreasonable expectations. I couldn't yet grasp that what I most needed to let go, was my own misguided belief that I, emotional wreck of a person that I was back then, had any useful life advice to be ladling out.


When first introduced to the idea of "caretaking" I didn't get it. Aren't we supposed to be loving and caring and do for others? Loving and caring, yes -  do for others, well, that depends upon the situation, and when I'm trying to force solutions upon someone, I'm caretaking. Enabling is caretaking. Putting someone else's needs before my own is caretaking.

Notice that I said "needs" not wants or desires. I need to eat, sleep, pray, exercise my body and mind, enjoy life, have time alone. I'm a person who needs time alone, to reflect, talk to my Higher Power, think, meditate. If I don't get some time alone in a day, I can feel myself becoming irritable and unreasonable. I used to think that this was selfish of me, when I was involved in caretaking of others. Now, I understand that this is how I am made - I need time alone. I desire it, and I deserve it - it's my right as a human being. I don't have to give up every moment of my time to other people, in a confused belief that being 'selfless' is either attainable or desirable.

Every time I refuse a request which would strain me to my limits to fufill, I am choosing not to caretake. I'm getting a much clearer idea of my own boundaries, and give as much as it is in me to give. Then I stop, and take the time I need to recharge. Doing this allows me to give with my whole heart, joyously, instead of grudgingly, seething with resentment.

When I don't give advice, I allow the other person to find their own way to sanity.

Consistently Untrustworthy.

I'm trying to learn to "trust my experiences more than the untrustworthy words of others." This has always been a stumbling block for me in program - several times, I've negated my feelings of caution regarding the level of trust I should place in a person I've met through Al-Anon, and then regretted it when my concerns have proven to be accurate.

As MrSponsorpants points out, attending 12-Step meetings for many years does not indicate recovery, any more than sitting in our garage turns us into a car.

When someone consistently stomps my set boundaries, or refuses to respect my heartfelt requests that there be "no gossip or criticism of one another" what are my choices?

I can "say it one more time."  (And just how often is that effective?)

I can fall silent and tolerate unacceptable behavior. This will cause me no end of discomfort,  resentment and unhappiness.

I can avoid them -  treat them with respect and courtesy when I encounter them at an Al-Anon meeting, but sidestep any invitations to get together.

I can take the difficult path of being kindly direct, letting them know exactly why I will not be seeing them socially in the future. With a sponsee new to Al-Anon, I have much more willingness to restate and restate my boundries, remind them that if they want to feel safe, they must behave in a safe fashion towards the other people in (and outside) the meeting. I certainly needed to learn to adopt an attitude of loving acceptance towards my fellow members of Al-Anon, I didn't arrive at the doors of the meetings rooms with it.

I don't want to spend my precious time with those who have attended meetings for many years, but who still do not respect the principles of 12-Step. I can like some aspects of their personalities, and still know that for me, they are not a safe person with whom I can be friends. I don't want to listen to gossip and criticism about the members of my home group, I find it extremely distressing.

Some days, there is no other way for me, but to say "Thanks, but no thanks." That's just life.

Clear, Healthy Thinking.

I can't change other people.

If I'm predicating my happiness or my serenity, on the hope that someone else will change, to become the person I want them to be, I am handing them my life on a plate, and retiring to a corner to starve.
---------------------------------------------

From Courage to Change, page 234:

"Searching for the real me, living according to my needs, and loving myself as a new-found friend have been the most rewarding benefits of the Al-Anon program. Strangely, they're the last ones I would have imagined receiving when I began.

Today's Reminder
Today I can choose to take responsibility for my own life. If I stay out of other's affairs and become more aware of my own, I have a good chance of finding serenity.

"Each man's life represents a road toward himself."
                                         Hermann Hesse
-----------------------------------------------

I want to be capable of clear, healthy thinking. That's not possible when I'm disturbed by someone else's behavior, or thinking. How do I get there?

First, I need to be aware of what's going on inside my head, so I can catch myself when I start obsessing, or taking someone else's inventory. So, I find I'm doing this, what's next?

I need to consider which character defect is driving my thinking - am I angry? Resentful? Arrogant? Judgemental? Impatient? Controlling?  I can ask my Higher Power to remove it. Right then, at that moment, I can ask to be set free of whatever character defect has risen to the surface, and is presently running my show.

Once I've asked to be relieved of my character defect, and have had it lifted, then I am capable of clear healthy thinking, because I'm not being swept along by my feelings. I can detach, step back, and decide exactly what it is that's best for me, without having my judgement clouded by high emotion.

What is best for me, is to be honest to myself and my own needs. If I don't do this for myself, I will be angry. I will be resentful, I will be _____. (fill in the blank)

Clear thinking makes many things possible. I pray for the wisdom to understand what I can change, and what I cannot.

"Shouldn't You Be Able To Avoid A Meltdown, If You've Been In Al-Anon For Some Time?"

Good question. I can and do, if I keep my focus firmly upon myself, and detach from the alcoholic craziness.

If.

I've heard long-term members in Al-Anon talk as if they soar serenely above the fray in all circumstances, in all areas, never having the slightest upset or annoyance, and if they aren't exaggerating even slightly, I applaud and respect them.

I can't do that. I backslide. I forget. I become hungry, lonely, or overtired, or my temper rises, and, I fail to catch myself at the "stop and detach" stage of the proceedings, and instead, I go with my annoyance, and pretty soon I'm on that gerbil wheel running like a mad thing, completely unaware that this is what I'm doing.

Now, I grant you, that these times are few and far between, because I have long experience in program, am surrounded by friends who also practise program, and work to immerse myself in the wisdom of Al-Anon. But it does happen now and then.

I've given up shaming myself for it. It is what it is. Once I realise that I've been doing this, it only prolongs the agony, to then pick up a mental cudgel and begin to belabor myself with gusto, telling myself I should have done this, and I should have known that, and what is the matter with me, that I would still climb onto the gerbil wheel of obsessive thinking when I've been in Al-Anon for so many years, blah blah...doing that only made me feel much worse.

I've learned to sigh, laugh, and feel a powerful gratitude for the serenity of today, off that wheel. I've learned to do an inventory, searching for my character defect which came into play in this particular instance, and ask my Higher Power to remove it. I work to figure out what was the precipitating factor, in the hopes that when a similar event arises in the future, I can be aware: I can accept: I can respond differently.

That's all I can do, and I can do all of that.

Question

"A friend, sober for 15 years, very active in AA, has suddenly decided that he's "not getting anything out of it anymore," and has stopped going to meetings. I'm really worried that he's going to drink again, and throw away all that he's got going for him. How can I help him?"
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Anyone who's been around 12-Step programs, and alcoholics, for any length of time, will have heard about something like this, many times over. Perhaps the alcoholic has reached a point of wanting to prove to themselves that they can "handle it alone," even though all of their personal experience has proven time and again that they cannot. The Big Book of AA speaks to this, in the passages describing the alcoholic's inability to remember the terrible results of their drinking.

Or maybe they've been in a relationship with someone who frequents the same groups; when the romance ends, not wanting to have to see the person, they stop going to the meetings.

I've seen alcoholics who have had sobriety and a good life, drink again for no reason that anyone, including themselves once they sober up, can readily explain. It happens, and it's out of our hands.

You mentioned in your email, that he'd told you his own sponsees were telling him they thought he was doing the wrong thing, and it only had the effect of making him more stubborn in his defense of his choice. An alcoholic friend of mine, once commented ruefully that she was at her most intransigent, when she was fully aware that she was heading for disaster.

It can be agonising to watch someone making what may seem to us, to be insane choices, and say nothing. When we care for another human being, we want to help. But when we start trying to steer, or control, an alcoholic, we are setting ourselves up for failure, resentment and anger.

We all have to learn our own lessons, in our own time.

Some of us can forget those lessons when life has been good for a long while, and the only way to reinforce them, is to "go back out" and relearn them.  The terrifying truth about addiction, is the very real possibility that the person may not make it back to sobriety. People die when they go back out.

So we listen to the rationalisations, and watch the behavior choices, and we cringe in fear and trembling, for the denial demonstrated, and the willingness to lose all the ground so painfully gained. I wish I had something helpful to offer, but I really don't. Look after yourself, and try to detach from your friend's choices - you have no control over what he decides to do.

Controlling - Or Not.

"Go to meetings, and work the Steps." A friend recounted a conversation in which he was offering variations on that sentence repeatedly, and not being heard. He asked what should he do then? I replied, "Stop issuing directives."

I was thinking about that this morning, and as always seems to be the way, found that very topic being addressed in a blog post by Syd today. (For newcomers: seems like whatever is on your mind as a matter of some urgency, or whatever you've been thinking about a lot that week, will be the topic of a meeting you attend, or a daily reading - it happens often enough to feel eerie at first, but then you will get used to it, laugh, and realise you can feel your Higher Power working in this synchronicity.)

When we know what to do, and choose not to do it, that is our business. It's not up to anyone else to show us the error of our ways, or us to them. When we detach in love, we can feel for the struggle, and not get caught up in trying to fix.

When I detach, I can keep respect for the person, even when I'm impatient with the behavior.  It's not my job to tell anyone how to run their life, and when I get too involved, and begin to feel annoyed because this person isn't taking the advice I'm offering, I am no longer offering "experience strength and hope," I am interfering.

I've learned to step far enough back to be out of the maelstrom, while being close enough to be a comfort, merely for my willingness to give some of my time, to sit with someone while they fight their own fight. I know there is no perfect sentence to enlighten, so I don't worry about saying the right thing. I pray to be a conduit for their Higher Power to use to get across whatever message is required, and I let the rest go.

If I feel impatience rising in my chest, I stop to consider if perhaps what's happening is that I've had enough for now, and I need to get off the phone, or make my exit. I used to think that I had to sit with someone for as long as they wanted me to, until I heard a long-time member say that she gave what she could, and then she explained that her tank was empty, and she needed to go fill up now, and did they have their phone list handy?

I cringed - that sounded so cold and hard. But I've learned that this will be transmitted either in words, or non-verbally, this message of having had "enough for now" and that I'm being more loving to acknowledge and state the fact. We all know how that feels, and can relate.

For me, direct is best. I give what I can, and then I say that I need to go now, and they can call me again soon, if they like. It's not up to me to "save" anyone, and I couldn't if I tried. I don't know the best choice for them, I can't say what they need,
all I have to offer is a little of my time, and the wisdom of this wonderful program.

"Can You Do Me A Favour?"

I received a phone call from someone who was calling to ask a favour for a third person.

The caller is a person of whom I'm fond, so I refused as gently as possible, and then asked: "How did you get roped into doing this?"

She sighed what sounded to me like a sigh of enormous relief, and replied, "Oh, I'm so glad you're direct; I feel so awkward doing this!  I'm not quite sure how I was talked into it, to be honest. I think they figured I might be able to persuade you to do what they could not."

We talked a bit about how not being able to say no to "Can you do me a favour?" has gotten us into sticky and uncomfortable situations over the years. I described one of my own memorable struggles along these same lines, and we laughed together. We then agreed that when she returned from her trip out of town, she'd call me, and we'd go out for coffee together.

I am so grateful to Al-Anon, because it has taught me how to have empathy and compassion for others. Before program, that phone call would have had a negative impact upon our friendship; I'd have judged her harshly for making it.

With what I've learned in 12-Step, I could detach from the behavior, the phone call, and continue to enjoy the person. I can accept that we all make these kinds of errors in judgement, and most of the time, there's nothing behind it but our own inability to stand our ground in the face of pressure and pleas. I can let go of thinking that I know how she (or the person she was calling for) "should" behave, and instead, reach out for what we have in common - our shared humanity, and our daily journey in the world around us. I can make an effort to take any and all chances I'm offered, to spread laughter and joy.

When I was new to Al-Anon, a sentiment like the one contained in my last sentence would have had me rolling my eyes and snorting contempt. I didn't believe that was possible, so I saw any mention of it as pretentious, cloying nonsense.

Nowadays, I believe whole-heartedly in the power of love, and I enjoy being this person; it's much more fun.

But, Why?

"Why is my alcoholic sister so mean to me?"
"Why does my husband continue to drink when he knows it's going to be a disaster?"

When I was new to Al-Anon, I believed that if could only know why the alcoholic did what he did, I'd be able to accept it. Just give me a good reason, and I could find peace with it all. I think I most likely asked that "But, Why?" question several hundred times, and it's a tribute to the compassion and loving support of the group members, that no-one ever expressed exasperation with me, or told me to stop, already, with the why. Acceptance of what's happening within our own lives, not only allows us to live with more comfort and ease, but we also become much more tolerant of the foibles of others.

It was very difficult for me to accept that there were some aspects of life about which I might never get clarity, or a reason that satisfied. I might eventually be granted understanding, or a reason, but not a satisfying one - not one of those "Ooooooh, now I get it!" kind.

There'a a quote in one of the daily readers, I can't recall which one:

"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are."

That was an excellent reminder for me, in early recovery, when I would be swept with the intense feelings of desperation to know, to understand, to find a good reason. (It irriated me tremendously, but still operated as a good reminder.)

My sponsor offered a variation of the above:

"It is what it is."

Oh, grrr! I would feel my teeth clenching, when she'd offer me that as a response to a question of mine about why did my husband drink when his little girls were visiting, and needed to see him, and he'd go off on a 3-day bender and only come home the morning they were going back to their mother's, so that I was left to try to make their visit enjoyable when he was absent.....

...or why did he always seem to find a way to destroy anything good that happened in his business; he'd win an excellent contract, and then proceed to royally screw up, so that by the end the business was limping along from week to week, barely making a miniscule profit, when it had the potential to....

...or why did he treat me in such a mean way when he professed to love me when he was drunk or sober, and we'd had good and bad talks about what that meant, and the effect upon our marriage, and me, and...

When I'd ask those sort of questions, and be met with the kindest of responses, all variations upon "It is what it is, and it's out of your control. You can't change other people, you can't force him to be a different father, business owner, husband," I'd feel that my questions were being sidestepped, and there must be a good answer out there, but for some reason, no-one wanted to share it with me.

There was a good answer, and it had been given to me each time I asked that question, it was I who had been unable, or unwilling, to hear or accept it:

"Because he is an alcoholic."

I've learned in Al-Anon, that when I do not accept "It is what it is" as an answer, I am dooming myself to hours/days/weeks of stubborn misery. When I turn my face away from the reality of it, I am practising denial. That's my choice. It's also my choice when I decide to work towards acceptance. It's one of those circular, ongoing processes for me. About some things, I've achieved a solid forgiveness; I no longer rage against my alcoholic first husband. I've let go of all the pain from those ten years, and can look back with detachment. I can remember the painful parts, but I don't feel them anymore.

When I can't find acceptance, is it because I am unwilling to let go of judging the other person? Doesn't the problem lie not with them, but with me, in my refusal to accept how it is at this moment? This moment is all we get - yesterday and tomorrow are past, and not yet here - I have only to deal with today.
Let us therefore, live one day at a time.

Minding My Own Business.

I used to be a great one for stating my unsolicited opinion; I always knew exactly how other people should think, or behave. I would get enmeshed in the craziness of other people's lives, trying to "help."  I'd then become resentful and frustrated when they wouldn't take my advice.

Al-Anon has taught me to mind my own business. I can watch someone buying a ticket on a train to disaster, keep my mouth firmly closed, love them, and pray for them. This was a very difficult concept for me to grasp when I was new to program. Wasn't I being  a bad friend, if I didn't warn of what I might be able to see, and they not? If I had a bit more knowledge, foresight, or wisdom, wasn't I being selfish to keep that to myself?

In Al-Anon, I have learned that I cannot puncture someone else's denial. If I try, I become at best another irritant, at worst, the enemy - for pointing out what is too painful for them to accept at that time. When I detach from a friend's choices, and trust that their Higher Power is looking out for them, I can love without judgement.
I can be a source of support and encouragement, without in any way trying to steer or direct.

I have discovered that until we are ready to learn a lesson, we won't learn it. I've seen this truth in my life, and the lives of those around me. I may be unready because I have fear, or perhaps I'm stubbornly refusing to accept - it doesn't matter. My Higher Power will continue to offer me opportunities to learn that lesson, gently, and then more forcibly. I may accept the first delicate tap upon my arm, or keep stomping along in my willfulness until it reaches the "whack upside the head" stage before I accept - my choice. So it goes for each of us.
Actions have consequences.

From Hope for Today, page 39:

"Al-Anon teaches me that I cannot make life a fluffy bed for others."